So! That kiss, huh? Two things: I didn't bring it up the next day at school. Chris didn't either. I didn't really have anything to say about it yet. There was definitely a lot to discuss, since he kissed me and I let him. I wasn't in any condition to start a relationship, especially a relationship with someone who wasn't JC. So, that's not an option whatsoever.
Yeah. About JC. I called him back, well, the hotel room, and Justin picked up. He told me that JC couldn't come to the phone because he was writing in his notebook. Justin didn't want to disturb him or mess up his creative flow. After rolling my eyes quite a few times while Justin explained the importance of a super creative period, I told him to tell JC I'd call him back.
I wonder what JC was writing...
2001: Tell Me, Tell Me...Baby
Isn't it a wonderful morning?!?!
No.
It's a horrible morning. I hate mornings. Especially mornings that begin with my cell phone ringing at six in the morning. There's only three people crazy enough to call me at this time: Celeste, Justin, and JC. I feel very sorry for whoever the lucky victim turns out to be.
"I'm contemplating sticking my hand through the phone and ripping your face off, so this better be good."
"You really should stop watching violent movies."
It was Justin.
"You should really start watching the clock. It's 6 AM, somebody better be dying." As you can see, Zahra plus morning equals Bobbi Syndrome (unwarranted bitchiness).
"I am dying.....dying to know what the heaven and hell is going on," Justin said.
"Going on where?" I asked.
"Don't be a smart ass, you know what I'm talking about," Justin replied sharply.
I rolled my eyes and sucked my teeth. I knew this was coming, I just hoped he'd be the typical male and forget all about it. But no, not Justin.
"There's nothing going on, Angel-face," I finally said.
"You're lyin' your ass off."
I smiled and shook my head. "Okay, what exactly do you want to know about?"
"You've been out of it, and JC's been out of it. I think there's a problem between you two," Justin added sarcastically."
I looked up at the *NSYNC posters I had on my wall. JC had a bright smile in them all. Yes, I still have posters, who doesn't? Shut up.
"There's a slight rift," I said.
"Slight, my ass. You both have been acting like a part of you died. I thought you guys worked it out. What happened that day at the studio, Zahra?" he asked.
"I don't know how to explain it. I don't know if you'll understand what I'm trying to say," I replied.
"Try me. I don't like seeing two of the most important people in my life like this. Me and the guys are trying our best not to show how worried we are about C, but...it's getting to us."
"Okay. When I was leaving the studio and walked back into the hallway, I saw JC talking to Emmanuelle."
"That's it?! Zee, she's just a friend of ours."
"No, J. I saw the way he looked at her, the way he was standing, and the way he spoke to her. Then to have him look up and see me, and not have that look be endearing. I thought it was just the moment of me catching him putting the moves on her, but it wasn't. When we were in the car, he could barely look at me. I didn't believe anyone when they told me, JC was gonna run from me because he was scared. Well....that's what he's doing. So I let him," I explained.
"Wow." Justin chuckled, not saying anything. "I cannot believe you didn't think I would understand that."
Qué? How could Justin possibly understand that?
"I don't know how you would," I said.
"I've seen Britney look at Wade that way before. At the time, I didn't think much of it. She's a sweet, polite girl. Then when she looked at me, that look just wasn't there. Resentment was, though. So, I understand, Zahra."
I felt horrible. I got so caught up in my own thing, I didn't acknowledge that Justin really might have understood me, and better than I think. Come to think of it, I haven't asked him about his relationship at all. We didn't speak about anything relating to it. At least not since we slept together.
"I'm sorry, Justin," I said quietly.
"Sorry for what?" he asked.
"About everything that led to that night in my basement," I replied.
"Why would you be sorry? We're consenting adults and we both wanted it. Badly. You don't need to apologize, Zahra, my relationship was on the rocks before that day at the video shoot. I mean, don't you think it was about time, anyway?" he asked.
I bit back my smile. "Justin."
"What? Seriously, how long did you think sex between us would be avoided?"
"Not for as long as it did, I can tell you that much," I replied.
"Ah, seems like when I came to visit you for the first time, I wasn't the only one with things on his mind."
"You weren't. I still apologize for not being able to make a decision earlier and playing with your emotions. I never intended for anything to get to such a point. Us fan girls are nothing but trouble," I teased.
"Thank you, Zahra. And trust me, we MMC boys are just as crazy."
I giggled and shook my head. Why couldn't it be Justin who was the one for me? We just got each other. He was always there for me, even when he was mad at me. I don't know what it was about us that couldn't have a deep love for each other. Only deep lust. How much trouble could our lust for one another might have gotten us in?
"Wish we could be young and stupid again?" I asked.
"Every damn day. Until I realize that we're still really young and really stupid," he laughed.
"That's right, brother. REALLY stupid. Are we ever gonna be smart?" I asked.
"You, maybe next week. Me? I'm thinking 48, if I'm lucky," he replied.
I laughed. "Oh J, stop it. I think by 30 you'll be fine."
"Do you not see Chris?" he asked.
"Chris is a basket case, he doesn't count," I answered.
"I had you on speaker for a sec, you dork! Crap. Chris said to cram it with walnuts." I snickered, Chrissy's being pissy again. "How long is this rift between you and JC gonna last?"
"I don't know, J. I can't force JC to do anything."
"You're just gonna let him slip away to Emmanuelle?"
"If he's into her, what can I do? I don't wanna interfere in his life anymore."
2001: When it rains, it pours
Know those old days I used to go on about my mother purposely inviting world-known pop stars over to the house and not telling me? I'm 20 and that crap still hasn't changed. I waltzed down the stairs thinking, since no one was home and I wasn’t going anywhere, I could wear an old midriff shirt and some spandex. And to my surprise....
"AAAAAAH!!!" I screamed. Five pairs of eyes shot my way, all matched with a look of confusion.
"What the heck is wrong with you?" Chris asked.
"And what's that you're wearing?" Justin smiled deviously.
"Oh, because it's normal for five men to just be sitting in my kitchen," I smartly replied.
"After all these years you still can't get the hang of it?" Chris said. I shot him a "shut your face look", rolling my eyes.
"Again....what are you wearing? I like it. I really like it," Justin said.
I knew what Justin was doing. He was trying to get a rise out of JC. Seemed to be working just fine, I saw JC roll his eyes. But was that because he was actually bothered or because it was just the norm between us three? I couldn't tell. Either way, I had to stop Justin and his silly behavior.
"Shut uuuuup," I sang.
"What? I think JC can agree that your top and those spandex work for you, right C?"
The open-mouthed look on my face said it all. Oh that Justin is SATAN. SATAN, I say! I saw Chris biting back his smile, while Joey and Lance sat, eagerly waiting for a response.
"They do work, but I think the point of her wearing it was because she didn't think we'd be here. We're just rude, showing up in kitchens and eating all their food," JC said, the corner of his lips turning upward slowly.
A familiar feeling washed over me. I'd get a fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach whenever JC began to smile. "Y'all ate my food, too? We're going grocery shopping, right?" I smiled.
It was like everyone in the room who wasn't me or JC let out a sigh of relief. I guess they were expecting something left field and more violent. But like I said, JC and I spoke to each other civilly. Okay, so it did get a little awkward sometimes. But heck, we have a past. It's working on the present and future that brings the issue.
"I'd love to take you grocery shopping," JC began. "But not until you go change."
"Why?" I asked. I saw the look JC had in his eyes and a chill shot throughout my entire body. It was like he was slowly undressing me with them. God, I missed that body of his, and being taken over by it. Why don't I feel your love for me? I miss you.
"I wanted to wear that outfit first," JC teased.
I giggled. He was really trying to make me smile. I admit, it was working. But for how long? It was great knowing we could still goof around like this, but when he was finally single, I couldn't kiss him. That was the hard realization. We are completely ass backwards and it bites.
"Everyone knows, I'd be the best looking in that outfit," Justin said.
"WHAAAT?! No freakin' way, I've got the curves," Joey shot.
Were they really arguing over this crap? Good grief. My guys. This wouldn't have even happened had someone just TOLD me, it was *NSYNC's turn to be in my kitchen. I covered my face, shaking my head as I walked down to the basement. I had a package of small ice cream cups in the freezer that I didn't mind sharing.
"I meant what I said."
I jumped, letting go of the freezer door, and it slammed shut. I knew it was JC, I just didn't know he followed me. What, does he not have feet and he floated? Maybe he's a ghost. That'd explain Shaggy, Scooby, Scrappy, and Fred, up there. Lance is obviously Fred, the others are indefinitely interchangeable.
"Jace, you scared me," I said.
"I'm sorry." His eyes darted around, then settled back to me. "For everything."
"Don't be sorry, JC. Be here to love me, that's all I want," I said.
JC stepped in toward me, I was leaned against the freezer. I read it as him wanting to hug me, but I was afraid to. I was worried if I let him touch me, I'd end up pardoning what was happening between us. Or wasn't happening. It's not like I have the best track record of stopping things between JC and I. But, of course, he wasn't about to let me interfere with his golden opportunity.
JC gently tugged me closer to him, wrapping his arms around my waist. Though his structure was slender, it completely engulfed my own. His familiar fragrance overtook my everything. Feeling his body again after such a long time, a year, I felt my throat quiver. God damn it all to hell. On top of almost crying, I was dying. I could feel his breath faintly on my neck, and my eyes rolled back into my head.
Once he pulled back a little, still embracing me, our eyes met. A flicker of hope in me lit up, thinking I'd see a something in his eyes, but it wasn't there. JC held the sides of my face, then covered my lips with his own. It was like we both got electrocuted, because it went from sweet to intense in a matter of seconds. My entire being sighed once my tongue collided with his. JC couldn't wait to get his hands on me; I knew it when his eyes first took a good look at me in these spandex. He caressed and squeezed my ass, causing our kiss to get intensely heated.
I was lifted on top of the freezer, biting on JC's lip. I let out a soft moan feeling the tip of his tongue slide across my collarbone. The body heat coming from JC was warm and enticing, I pulled him closer. I just wanted to feel him against me, I wanted his comfort. JC laid me across the freezer and began to place light kisses on my stomach. He circled his tongue around my belly button, moving further down. I felt my spandex being pulled by his teeth, away from my skin. I chose a great day to go commando. Genius. Once I felt JC's lips kiss the side of my lower hip, I moaned a little. OKAY, I am letting this get too hot.
I shot up straight. "JC, stop."
It was as if JC snapped out of a dream state. He stepped backward until his bottom found the armrest of the couch, panting hungrily. I wasn't trying to be cruel. I didn't want JC to stop. See how far I let things get before I threw in the towel? A quick, hot and naughty romp wasn't going to solve everything between us. Though, every other part of me said otherwise.
"I'm going insane without you, Zee."
"I know the feeling. But we have a lot to work out, Josh."
"We?" JC repeated.
"Yes, we. In light of all this happening, you've scared me," I answered.
"I wouldn't hurt you, Zee."
"I've been letting you hurt me for years," I responded bluntly. "Yet, I still want to be here for you. Wanting you, craving for you, in love with you. I don't know if you want to give the same back to me."
JC was quiet, staring down as he tangled and untangled his fingers. I wanted to eat my words, but I couldn't. I spoke the truth. Neither of us are prepared for what we thought we might be. I want him to tell me why he's so scared, not anyone else just speculating. I have to know.
"I don't know what to tell you. I really don't."
"Look me in the eye and admit you're afraid of me."
JC walked back over to me and held my hands gently in his own. I waited patiently for his eyes to find mine. He was ruining me. I hated that this one person was able to command so many emotions inside me all at once.
"I'm afraid of you."
"Why?" I asked.
"I don't know."
I released a breath. Damn. I knew this was a bit too easy.
"Do you think I don't really mean it when I say I love you?" I asked.
"No. I know you mean it because it took forever for you to even admit you had real feelings for me," he replied.
"Are you worried about me and Justin?"
"Not entirely, no. Whatever happens or has happened between you guys isn't my business. You obviously made a choice that couldn't have been easy for you."
"Then tell me what, because whatever it is, I wanna help you with it."
"I wish I knew, Zee."
"You do know, you just have to wanna know."
"I do wanna know."
"Then take however long you need to find out. Because you're right, I did make a difficult choice."
"Zahra, God damn it."
"Just find me when you've got it figured out."
I released his hands and started to walk back toward the staircase. JC grabbed my hand and pulled me back to him. I hurt JC with my words, I know. I was not trying to purposely hurt him, I was only being honest.
"What if I never figure it out?" JC asked.
"Then I guess we won't be able to force it any longer." I pressed my lips to the back of his hand. "I'll still be here. You know the number, address, and you have the key if you ever need to talk."
I was hurting, it felt like I was vomiting out these words. It didn't register to JC yet, but I was slowly letting him go. I had to, it was best for us. If he didn't see what was out there, he'd resent me for pushing him into something neither of us seem to be ready for.
"Zee, you're the worst at putting on a good face when you're upset. Don't bullshit me. Say to me what you keep letting yourself reject," JC said.
I blinked away my tears. I tried to not let this get the best of me, but I felt so crappy. The truth didn't matter, it wouldn't change anything.
"J....." I couldn't even finish his name.
"Say it. Be honest with me. What you're saying to me doesn't match with those tears," JC said wiping my eyes.
"I don't understand why a part of you hates me so much, you can't love me."
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm looking for a Beta.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
