This was it. Tonight, I had to tell JC that I might be pregnant. I might be pregnant. Insane. JC and I? If someone told me that even six months ago, I wouldn't have believed it. I don't know if I'm ready for this. The guys were coming to LA for the Teen Choice Awards. Honestly, I was glad to see them again. Even when they randomly showed up in my house, I still got that excited feeling of seeing them for the first time.
I had no intention of rushing to tell JC anything until after the award show. I know he had to stop home first and gather up some belongings before they all took off again. The only thing I was worried about was how he was going to react. I feel like, in any case, happy or devastated, it wouldn't be good.
2001: Teen Choices
I paced the kitchen floor of JC's house, back and forth, back and forth, tossing ideas around in my head about how I would tell him. This wasn't something I wanted to do, but it was my responsibility to let him know what was going on. Would he hate me? Or would he get so mad, that he'd never want to see or speak to me again? What if JC denied that what was happening inside me had nothing to do with him and I was lying?
There was no more time to think once I heard the door open and his feet pound against the beautifully tiled floor. I can't escape this any longer, he's here, and I have to tell him. My heart was going double-time, I was nauseated, and my head felt light. It was hard to distinguish which Chasez was causing it, though.
"Zahra, honey?" JC called out. He saw my car parked out front.
"Kitchen." I barely got the word out before I felt like I was going to send my snack from earlier along with it.
JC walked in, bright-faced, smiling, just plain happy, and I felt a pain in my chest. Everything about him looked so zen. I was tempted to call him a hippie, because of how free he looked. But. JC knows me. JC knows me better than I know myself sometimes, and it didn't take long for his happy, zen state to morph into a concerned and worried one.
"Tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."
What was with all the pet names tonight? I can't be prepared to tell him this when he's calling me all sorts of 'honeys' and 'sweethearts'.
"Sit down," I finally managed.
Not knowing what was going on, JC took me seriously and sat down at the counter next to me. He reached for my hand, holding it between his. He was so warm, I wanted to be closer.
"What's the matter?" he asked softly.
"I......I....."
I couldn't get it out, that's what.
"Zahra, you're scaring me. You can tell me anything, no matter what it is."
"I think I'm pregnant," I said, barely above a whisper.
JC heard me, though, loud and clear. The expression that washed over his face, in comparison to how he now looked at me, was definitely worse. By a long-shot. I didn't speak, JC needed time to register what I told him. JC needed time to breathe, it didn't look like that’s what he was doing right about now.
"Jace?"
"You....we're pregnant?" he asked.
"I think so, yeah. I missed my period, took two tests, and it seems so," I explained. He stood up and embraced me. It caught me off guard at first, but I soon understood that his comfort was what I needed the most right now.
"We have a baby, Zahra," JC said.
"What are we gonna do?" I asked.
JC pulled away from our embrace and took back his seat next to me. "Tell me what you want."
"I wanna keep my baby. But, I'm not ready to be a mother.....I can barely be a girlfriend. I have a lot of growing up to do. I wanna finish school, start a career, and have a stable home life before I bring a child into it," I said. "What about you?"
"I'd love to have this baby with you. But....I don't think it'd be fair to bring a child into the world I'm surrounded in. The time away, I can barely stand it when I'm away from my family and friends and you. I don't think I could be away from you and my baby."
I was in shock. JC wanted to have a baby with me? He wasn't upset, he almost seemed excited. Maybe I'm being fantastical, and reading things the wrong way. Having a baby would mean starting a family. JC wanting to start a family with me was hard to believe.
"Are we agreeing to the same thing, Josh?" I asked.
"Unwillingly," he replied. JC pulled me from my seat, and over to him. I stood between his legs, nothing but a mixture of worry and remorse boiling inside me. "May I?"
I nodded. JC wanted to feel my stomach. He pressed his palm to my stomach, and I heard him sniffle. Seems we were on the same page, because at this point, I couldn't hold my tears in any longer. I lifted his head, and saw those beautiful eyes welled up with water. I hugged him, feeling his head pressed against my stomach.
"I wanted to name the baby, but I was scared it'd make me too attached," I said, wiping my eyes.
"Let's do it, something unisex," JC said.
"Ryan," I suggested.
JC shook his head. "Ashton."
"Not happening," I smiled.
"Jordan?" he asked.
"Yes, Jordan," I agreed.
"How about a middle name?" JC asked.
I looked into his eyes and it came to me. "Skye."
"How'd you come up with that so fast?"
"Because of your eyes....the sky, it's what they remind me of when I look into them," I replied.
JC smiled bashfully, nodding. "Jordan Skye Chasez. I love it."
"Me, too. Jace." I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed. And like the great person I always seemed to forget he was, JC comforted me. I comforted him. We were being the companion to each other that we needed.
"When do you want to see a doctor?" he asked.
"Oh no, don't you worry about it. I know you have to work and stuff. It'll be fine, Celeste will come with me."
"Zahra, you know I'm not going to let that fly. Tell me when and I will be there with you, beginning to end," JC said.
"I'll let you know. Come on, I'll help you pack, you need to get out of here, soon," I suggested as I started off toward the living room area to get to the stairs. I could feel JC practically at my heels.
When we made it up to his room, we sort of spread out and he started taking things out of his duffle and suitcase.
"Zahra. I love you," he suddenly said.
"I know, JC. I love you, too."
"Then be with me."
"Don't. Not right now, okay?" I warned.
"What? Why don't you wanna be in a relationship with me? And don't give me the crap about how I look at Emmanuelle differently than how I look at you," he demanded.
"But you do."
"Of course I look at you differently. I've known you for so long, you're my friend, and I'm in love with you. Sometimes I can barely register why I don't love anyone else the way I love you," JC said.
"You don't know that. You haven't had that chance to explore and neither have I."
"I said I'll go along with whatever you want me to, and I meant it. We'll explore. But I still want to know why you've been evading a relationship with me all of a sudden. What are YOU scared of?" he asked.
I didn't answer him, I continued to fold items he would need and place them in his suitcase. That wasn't good enough for JC, though. I felt his hands grip the sides of my shoulders.
"Why are you afraid, Zahra?" he asked softly.
"Don't touch me. Stop, let me go," I responded, panicking. Trying to move his hands from me.
I wanted him to let me go. I didn't enjoy this feeling I was having inside of me. It was uncomfortable and I hated it. JC thinks I'm scared? I'd say bullshit, but I didn't know how scared I actually was until he asked me. What was making me uncomfortable, was how much I was terrified and how little it had to do with JC.
2001: "What will I do, if I can't be with you..."
In the last two weeks, I went to the doctor to officially confirm my pregnancy. I spoke with him briefly about what my next move was and he gave me brochures. My doctor wanted me to know all the options I had afforded to me in case I changed my mind. I almost changed my mind. I wanted to change my mind. Things weren't right, though. My life wasn't together even though I'd have the help I needed. Nonetheless, I made my decision.
I gave JC a date to be at a clinic with me, and he came to my house to pick me up. Of course, I was thinking about him and the guys' career being at stake. I made sure that he wore a hat, sunglasses, and a hooded sweatshirt; anything possible so he didn't look recognizable to ANYONE. We even went out of our reach. I made sure we went somewhere far from the LA Metro scene, like Manhattan Beach or something.
Before we went in, we just sat in the car. When I asked him what was the matter, he told me he just wanted to spend another moment with his family. I know, right? Hearing that alone just dropped my insides and I was bawling. My emotions were all over the place. This wasn't something I wanted to do, but I couldn't care for a child right now. Neither of us could. I was tempted to make JC drive me back home. It would be unfair to him, though. I didn't want to be the person to stand in his way. Besides, a baby wouldn't make our issues disappear.
I can't describe what it felt like to leave that clinic. I do not think I'll ever be able to experience something like that again. It's hard to merely think about it without getting sick to my stomach. JC tried to help, but instead, we both ended up like babbling brooks. Everyone knows how I get when I see anyone I'm close to, so emotional to the point where he or she is crying. I've never been able to keep myself together, don't know if I ever will. Seeing JC that way, made me hurt. I felt guilty.
When I walked inside the house, I could feel the sadness seeping in. I had never felt emptier. I knew I was in for a wild ride of emotions. At least for awhile, until I was able to understand what I did was the right choice for the circumstances. JC was going to leave, but I knew we needed each other now more than we wanted to admit. I held his hand and led him upstairs to my bedroom. I closed the door, closed the curtains, and turned on my stereo. Brandy's 'Never Say Never' album began to spin, pouring through the large speakers placed on either side of the box. I was almost soothed.
JC stood there, not only looking confused, but looking like he was a stranger. I took his hand, pulling him close to me. There were three things we needed from one another: a hug, a kiss, and to be held. He went straight for the hug, JC was always on time. After releasing from his embrace, I pulled back the linen on my bed and kicked off my shoes. I climbed onto my bed, making space for JC to join me.
"Come on," I said.
He walked over, took off all that I made him wear, until he was simply in a shirt and jeans, and came to lie next to me. His arm was wrapped around my shoulder, I had my arm across his slim waist, and the kiss happened naturally. JC's eyes found mine. To be COMPLETELY dramatic, what I saw staring back was earth shattering. In the world of Zahra, that is. The eyes staring back at me were looking at me like I was the only thing that mattered to them. As if they loved me.
I don't know if it was my jealousy or my intense fear that led me to believe that JC didn't have real emotions for me. But, what I saw was someone who truly cared about me. I guess JC was right. He had to be, because would I have ever admitted something like that? Nope, never. My pride wouldn't have ever let me. It was clear to me, that I unknowingly stopped JC and I from working. I shipped JC off to Emmanuelle because I haven't the slightest clue of why I won't let him love me.
I placed my head against his chest, and the sound of his heartbeat, not the music, eased me to sleep. I had to find my way, so I could end up with JC. Completely free and unafraid.
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I woke up a few hours later, still being embraced by the strong arms of JC. He looked so cute sleeping, I didn't want to stir him, but I had to go to the restroom. I also had a very important call to make that I'd been putting off for long enough. I slipped out the room, making sure to start the album over again before exiting my room and closing the door.
After taking care of business, I found myself pacing the kitchen floor. No idea why every single time I pace, it's in the kitchen. I'm not even hung— well, I am in the mood for some cookies. Whatever, not the point. I picked up the phone and dialed a number that hadn't been dialed in almost over a month. I'm terrible, I know.
"Hello?" the voice answered.
"Montez," I said.
"Camden. I almost didn't think you remembered who I was," Chris said. It was easy to spot the hurt in his voice. He didn't deserve it, which made me feel worse.
"Chris, I know. It's been rough since I got back from Vegas. I really need to speak to you about what happened before I left," I explained, or tried to.
"The kiss?" he asked.
"Yes. I I can't afford to lose you as a great friend. I should have never kissed you and I'm sorry," I answered.
"Number one, I kissed you." I playfully rolled my eyes. Always a competition with Montez. "I enjoyed it, I think we both did. I understand, though. It felt good, but the next day, I felt awkward about it. I thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn't. I'm sorry, too, Camden."
I smiled. The greatest person. I thought that maybe, it was time to let him know where I was at. A LOT changed in these past couple weeks. I explained to him everything that happened. From the same room with JC to what occurred earlier on today. As always, he listened, and responded with an open-mind and honesty. The people in my life never told me what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear, and however brutal, I loved them for it.
I made Chris a deal to TRY, heavy emphasis on the try, and open up a little to him. He thinks that if I try it with him, it won't be so hard with JC.
Why is everything always harder for me when it involves JC?
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
