It was stupid to say that things were happy go lucky again. I hadn't been able to deal with the regret I felt in the pit of my stomach most times. I had some time away from JC and I was glad that he was nowhere near me. I didn't want to be a downer. He's experiencing a great time in his life, and I don't want to constantly remind him how I could have changed that. Still, I didn't break my promise to him. I called him every Saturday and we spoke. He tried, desperately, to get me to open up a bit more about what was bothering me. It didn't work. I'd end up changing the subject to something less heavy. I wanted JC to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted.
I did get out most of my emotions at some point. Chris would come over and we'd be in my room just talking. Talking about everything. From the earliest moment that I could remember to the moment Celeste, Justin, and JC became apart of my life. It wasn't only one way, Chris gave as easily as he received the information given to him. Only when I would walk him to his car, did I realize how much we had in common. I don't get why I couldn't be as open with JC.
It was peculiar how JC and I were best friends, yet I found it so much easier to talk to Justin. To go to Justin for help. I wanted to change that. I honestly did, but it was easier said than EVER done. What made me so afraid of JC? It wasn't that he was intimidating, because he wasn't. Maybe, no matter what, I'd feel like the girl who thought if I made one wrong move, JC wouldn't like me anymore. I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to leave me.
2001: Another trip? Sí, por favor!
My guys were going to The Bahamas and playing a show at Atlantis. I was more excited about it than they were. Why? It was definitely because I knew I was about to get another perk of knowing the famous before they were famous. AND, Celeste was coming. The Ferocious Four was about to be the Ferocious Six, plus Chris. Oh, he'll love that joke. Chris was actually the one who invited me to come along. He was the only person that knew about me and JC's situation; I was the one who told him. I needed someone older who was my friend, a big brother. Chris and I spoke about it often. It was different speaking to someone about JC who knew him just as well. Chris was adamant about wanting me to feel better. The trip to Bahamas was his way of helping.
"Who knew Killjoy was such a sweetheart?" Celeste commented as we were downstairs in the office. We were waiting for the van to show up, everyone was riding down to the airport together.
"Chris is one hell of a man, I'll vouch for it any day of the week," I said.
"I'm excited, I finally get to come on an *NSYNC trip," she said.
"You could have come all the other times, Cel, but you just HAD to go traveling with Papa Fernando," I teased.
"You know if my dad hadn't done everything spontaneously and invited you along, you wouldn't have went with the guys either," she laughed.
She was right. Paris? Milan? Hel-LO, shopping fantasy right at my fingertips!
"Things would have been so different had I never went or if you came. I wouldn't have gotten into so much with JC, for one," I said.
"Do you regret it all?" Cel asked.
"The only thing I regret is not being able to express to JC how I really felt," I replied.
She scoffed. "Felt? You mean 'feel', you still can't express anything. I don't know why, what could you possibly be worried about?"
I was about to disagree, angrily, but the punk was right. I have made very little progress in learning how to speak openly to JC. The first step is admitting, right? It's not like I haven't been working on it, my stubbornness and pride take on by themselves sometimes.
I shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe he should piss me off. I never have a problem speaking to him then."
Celeste rolled her eyes, chuckling softly. "You need help. Besides, I don't think you and JC should be getting each other riled up anymore."
The look she was giving me had caution tape all over it. I threw my hands up. "What? Look, I'm not gonna bang JC again, okay. That time it just happened. We hadn't been together in a while, and things were too intense." I tried to save face, but Celeste wasn't buying it. I SO wanted JC that night, and I would never regret wanting him. No matter what came of it.
"Be good, Zahra." I opened my mouth to protest, Celeste held up her hand. "Uh-unh, listen to me. The Bahamas is a place of relaxation, but also romance. JC could look better to you than he ever has. At least if you do something stupid, do it protected."
I couldn't avoid JC, because that was the only way to even keep myself from THINKING of doing anything stupid. JC would look better to me? How does Celeste know I'll even get to spend time with him alone? I'm pretty sure she and I will be together wreaking havoc all over the place. At least one thing is for sure, I was going to get some much needed rest.
"Cel, in all honesty, I don't think JC will ever wanna touch me again," I said.
"Pfft, in the sexy Bahamas? I'd be surprised if he even let you go off alone. I don't think he'd want any hot, Bahamian men snatching you away from him. Me? I'm open to be snatched," she joked.
I laughed. A hard knock at the window caused both of us to jump at the same time. I pulled the blinds up and saw a beaming Justin at the window. I opened the window, throwing my hands on my hips afterward.
"I was so ready to chew you out, but that smile matched with the curly hair saved your life. Damn you," I said.
Justin grinned. "Ha, ha Pocahontas. You and Princess Jasmine bring your ass so we can get outta here."
"Will do, our bags are by the front door," I said.
I closed back the window, making sure everything was off in the house before making it to the front door.
"Why do I have to be Princess Jasmine?" Celeste asked.
I giggled, placing my palm over my forehead. "Because there are no Latina Disney princesses."
"No Black ones either," she shot.
"True. Perhaps Disney isn’t the way to go in order to describe ourselves,” I chuckled.
"Ugh. But JASMINE?! She had a tiger for a friend! I'm a rich cat lady. Wait, this isn't a bad thing."
I rolled my eyes, laughing at Cel and her goofiness, as we walked to the van. Celeste got in first and I went in next, taking the only available seat next to JC. In the very back. Everyone in this van has to be relatives of Satan. We all greeted each other excitedly. Guess Cel and I weren't the only ones super anxious about going to the Bahamas. While the others were caught up in giddy chatter, JC leaned over to me.
"How are you?" he whispered into my ear. I got the familiar icy chill down my spine, the spot between my thighs reacted instantly. Damn! We weren't even six blocks away from my house yet.
"I've been okay. Just studying hard at school, and getting involved in school activities," I responded quietly. "How are you?"
"I'm good. I'm glad you're coming on this trip," he replied.
"Really. Why?" I asked.
"I wanna hang with you. We had so much fun in Vegas. I think we should spend some time together and talk," JC said, biting down on his lower lip.
My insides did flips. It was the little things JC did that still got to me. Whether it was the way his eyes squinted when he smiled or laughed, or how he didn't know how sexy his lip biting was. We're complete opposites. I thought I'd get time away, and JC wants to spend time together. Maybe he was the one who wanted to talk. Besides Chris, I don't think he's really spoken about the decision we made. Does JC think it was a mistake?
"You're flirting already? We're not even out of the van, Josh," I joked.
"When has location ever been something I've cared about?" he sweetly smiled.
I giggled. "Fine, we can spend time together. Friends, right?"
"I keep telling you we never stopped being friends. No matter what we call our relationship, we'll always be friends. I know you value that aspect just as much as I do."
I nodded in agreement. "Make sure you hold my hand on the plane."
"Still afraid of flying?" he asked.
"Yeah, it's even worse now," I replied.
"Aww, don't worry, we're all a bit nervous, but I won't let anything happen to you."
"I notice you've been super protective of me lately. Thank you," I said.
"You're welcome." JC softly kissed my forehead.
If I had just dated other people in high school and JC didn't date that Blinkie, I'd ask him to be mine the second we landed in the Bahamas. But I knew the territory I would be stepping into, and I've seen it explode in the worst ways. I was determined to not lose JC because of it, but we couldn't rush this. No matter how much I want to just be with him and be happy. My uncertainty won't let me just yet.
2001: Atlantis the Beautiful
If I were asked to think of the most beautiful place in the world, the Bahamas would be it. The moment I stepped into the van and we started off toward the hotel, I felt the 'relax' seep in. I had a sudden urge to sleep. I looked away from the scenery outside the window and my eyes landed next to me. JC had his head on my shoulder, he was sleeping; looks like we had the same thing in mind.
"Smile."
I looked up at Celeste and the second I opened my mouth, she snapped the picture. Jackass and a half, I swear. Now no matter what I say about wanting breathing space from JC, she'll always refer to the picture. I really am starting to wonder if Cel and J are tag-teaming as the devil.
I moved my arm, looping it across JC's shoulder, while he got comfy on my chest. I smiled a bit. I took my fingers and ran them through his hair. I can at least be good furniture in return since he did hold my hand on the plane. The only time he let go was to use the bathroom. I let that small image replay in my mind and almost immediately came the waterworks. JC was being very sweet to me. Contrary to belief, what I wanted the most between us were moments like this, where we were just pals.
I wiped away the few tears that fell and kissed the top of his head. My big baby. I'm not making a mistake by wanting to gives us both distance to really figure out if a relationship is what we want. I hope I'm not making a mistake. Please for once I'm doing something right for us both. I don't want this to blow up in my face. Don't screw me over, Fate.
Once we got to the hotel, I woke up JC. I smiled as I watched him stretch. He had that cute, grumpy look on his face. Once I was out of the van, all stretched out, JC wrapped his arms around me and hugged me. He's been protective, affectionate, maybe my pregnancy really did change him. I grabbed my bags and all the guys were looking at me and Cel like we committed a crime.
"What?" Cel said.
"Anyone else feel the back of their head sting like they got smacked because they're carrying bags? Or is that just me?" Justin asked.
"Bellhop!" Joey called. Celeste and I broke out in laughter.
"Thanks guys," we smiled. I had no problem taking my stuff up, neither did Cel. Until we saw the inside of the hotel. It was like our feet had a mind of its own.
"Where are you going?" Chris asked Celeste.
"I don't know, but my feet won't stop," she replied. "Zee, we've definitely gotta look around here."
I saw JC glance at me from my peripheral, I immediately knew what it meant. I guess Celeste saw it, too, judging by how she looked at me.
"I mean if we get a chance," she corrected. I shot her a subtle thumbs-up and we all walked onto separate elevators.
JC, Justin, Celeste, and I were in one elevator with the bellhop, while Chris, Joey, and Lance were on the other. I can only imagine the stupidness that would be going on if the bellhop wasn't here.
"Hey, uh.....James, do you mind if we let you off here and then you grab the next elevator?" Celeste asked.
Oh no. JC, Justin, and I nudged her all at the same time. James was a young guy, probably 22 or 23 at the oldest. Of course if I think it, it's automatically spoken into existence. She was kicking our bellhop off the elevator! What was this girl up to?
"You wanna play in the elevator, right?" James asked.
"No not necessarily," Celeste replied.
"Don't worry, it's cool, on break me and the other staff do stupid things. Have fun," he smiled as he hit the button for the third floor.
My mouth dropped open. Was this really happening? How did Cel manage to get THIS lucky? Celeste smiled at James as he got off the elevator, waving as the doors closed.
JC, Justin, and I all shot glances at each other, then back at Celeste.
"Well that was easy," Celeste said.
"Okay, why'd you do that?" JC asked.
Celeste shrugged. "I dunno, but it worked didn't it?"
I shrugged. "So what do we do for....seven more floors?" I asked.
We all looked around at each other.
"Now it's time to see ya later, never gonna fake ya, though, we wanna leave you with some flava..," Celeste rapped.
I snickered. Was she serious right now? I didn't even have to look over at Justin to know he was smiling, but rolling his eyes.
"Nothin' but friends in the club scene here, through the years double MC's givin' up cheers..." I continued.
"We're gonna make you move the beat is oh-so-smooth, so keep it up and keep it with the groove," Justin recited.
"To the music, move to the style, the house is packed yo! The club is goin' wild!" JC smiled.
We all broke out into the chorus.
"The club's got it goin' on, funky style, MMC's got it goin' on, funky style, we've got it goin' on, with a funky style, the club scene's goin' up and the house is goin' wild!"
The elevator doors opened just as we'd finished the last line with our hands were up in the air. We had these huge, cheesy grins on our faces. Joey, Chris and Lance were looking at us like we were nuts. We all burst out in laughter.
"Now do you see why I said not to take the elevator with them?" Chris asked.
I pushed Chris when I walked off the elevator. "We were bonding, dork," I laughed.
Everyone walked down the hall, going into their rooms. I was shocked to see that they weren't doubling up and sharing rooms this trip. Cel and I went to our room, we WERE sharing, and geeked out at everything. I mean, we even went crazy about the carpet under the shower. Yeah, juvenile, I know.
"I'm gonna go check out JC's room," I said.
Celeste smiled at me deviously. "Don't do it," she sang.
"Cel, I'm only going to see his room," I said.
"Alright, be safe," she warned.
I rolled my eyes. "I will," I said closing the door behind me.
I walked further down the hall and hooked a right. JC's room was about three doors away from the corner. I knocked and the door opened. JC stood in the doorway with an innocent smile on his face.
"Come in," he said softly.
I walked into his room and was floored. The single suite was set up differently than the double. The huge bed, huge bathroom, and the view, which was magnificent. I wasted no time, making my butt comfortable on his bed while he took a few items out of his bag.
I watched him. I didn't take notice before to what he was wearing. God JC looked good damned sexy. His skin was glowing, his arms toned, his body was absolutely fit. Wow I think I need to leave; what Celeste told me was true. We're here in the Bahamas, and JC looks so amazingly gorgeous to me. It hasn't even been five hours. Pfft.
"I'm jealous of you for getting to sleep on this bed," I commented.
JC leaned against the dresser, his arms were crossed against his stomach. "I've never denied you access to my room on any trips, why would I do so now?"
"Because the last time things got carried away, Josh," I answered.
"All I'm asking is to spend a night or two or three together, just you and me. Please?"
I sighed, brushing my hair away from my eyes. I've been in this position before with JC. This time, for the first time, I wasn't sure of JC's intentions. I didn't get a vibe that we were just going to have sex. I feel like he really had something important he wanted to talk about. I'm a bit scared of what it could be.
"I'll bite, okay JC? Come here," I said.
He walked over to the bed, standing in front of me, and I placed my hands on top of his chest. Those beautiful, tropical eyes sparkled, gazing down into mine. I hooked my fingers into his shirt and pulled him forward. He stumbled and we both flew back onto the bed.
"You can't ever just ask me to lay with you without breaking every bone in my body, can you?" JC smiled.
"Of course not. I just want to thank you for not being so tempting," I grinned.
"I don't do it on purpose, Zee. Besides, I'd like to believe we're way past trying to seduce each other. I have feelings for you that are deeper than sexual, you know that right?" JC explained, looking disappointed he had to ask me such a question.
"I do know that," I responded softly.
JC scanned my eyes, and a look of disbelief appeared across his face. It was obvious he didn't buy one single word that left my mouth. And well, I know JC's right for the way he looked at me.
"You don't know it, Zahra. You think my feelings for you are only sexual. Yes, I love being intimate with you because we're so in tune with each other's wants and needs, but I also just love being with you." JC scoffed. "Guess we really do need a break from each other."
"Why do you say that?" I asked.
"Because I find myself still having to prove how I feel about you," JC replied.
"I...." I didn't have anything to say. I was lost for words. All I could do was look back at JC with a guilt-ridden look on my face.
"Why are you making things between us so complicated, Zahra?" JC asked. "You know it's been hard for me to express my feelings to you and you keep throwing me aside."
"I-I'm not. I'm not trying to make things complicated, JC." I stammered over my words.
"Then tell me why we can't make it official right now. I wanna know," JC demanded. He sat upright, and I followed suit, sitting with my legs crossed.
"I'm afraid," I said.
JC brushed my hair behind my ear. "Afraid of what?"
I hesitated. I didn't want to answer, I was unsure of how he'd take my response. I felt like no matter how I tried to explain myself, none of what I said would make sense. He wouldn't understand what I meant or how it worked in my mind.
"Tell me, sweetheart," JC spoke lightly. Ah! He tore me up inside. He was still so warm and generously enticing. It was hard to NOT want to explain what was on my mind when he was being so supportive. More supportive than he's ever been.
"I'm afraid we'll hurt each other. I'll hurt you," I said slowly.
"How could you possibly hurt me? How could we hurt each other? Zahra, not being with you is the only thing that hurts me," JC said.
"JC think about our entire relationship from the first time we kissed until now. How complicated it's been. And now, all of a sudden, it's easy? Just like that?" I asked.
"Yes, for once it IS easy. Just go with it," JC whispered, reaching for my hand.
He just didn't understand and I didn't know how to explain it so he would. I'm supposed to just believe that everything will go smoothly between us? All of the problems and issues between us will dissolve into thin air? JC noticed I wasn't speaking and the look on his face showed genuine concern.
"I meant everything I've said. I'll do whatever you want me to do, if in the end you'll be mine," JC said.
"Thank you."
Bottom line, for our entire relationship, I've been the side girl and the confused girl. Before JC and I even made it into the same sentence with one another, he made sure it was known that I would always be too young. Admitting his feelings for me was unheard of. He While JC was with Bobbi, he was with me. While I was kissing JC, I was kissing Justin. How do I know he won't cheat on me? I don't. How does he know I won't cheat on him? He doesn't. JC loves me, I know this. I love him. But it doesn't mean those feelings for Justin simply disappeared into thin air. I was stupid for thinking that they would. I need to get Justin out of my system. JC needed to get Bobbi and a bit of me out of his system.
How long could it possibly take for that to happen?
Author's Chapter Notes:
Sorry for the wait, had a case of writer's block and I had to get away for awhile.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
