I was fully lost in myself during dinner. I couldn't stop thinking about why I was so confused. In the span of a good chunk of time, I've accused JC of being so scared, he couldn't love me. I also let myself believe being intimate with Justin was a good thing, which I still don't know if it is or isn't. All I know is, none of it was ever about JC or even Justin. The games, the fear, the confusion, it's all mine.
I know the decision I've made, I know what I need to talk to Josh about. However, I don't know how I'm going to make it work so that I'M alright afterward. How do I start to do what I've been avoiding for so long?
2001: Almost There
"Zahra? Hellooo?" I quickly blinked my eyes, dragging myself from inside the depths of my mind. It was Justin. He looked worried. "Are you alright, Zee?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine," I replied.
Justin's facial expression didn't change. He did not believe a word I said. I felt like glass sitting there, knowing his blue eyes were piercing right through me, searching for the truth. If all the others picked up on my nonverbal cues, they were probably trying to carry on as to not point it out in front of everyone else.
Justin spoke lowly, not looking at me so he wouldn't draw attention. "You know that's not true; you're not alright, Zahra. I don't know what it is you have on your mind, but I'm hoping you'll talk it out with me. I'm worried about how lost you look."
Lost. That was the word. It was also the feeling.
"I've just been doing a lot of thinking, that's all. I'm really okay, Justin," I assured.
Justin didn't believe me, but I knew that he knew, he wouldn't tell me he didn't. "Alright." He'll be back, just a few more minutes of letting his curiosity and worry eat his brain to pieces.
The restaurant where we were dining, had a dance floor and happened to be playing some great salsa music. So, naturally, after dinner and dessert, we all went over to the floor and danced off all that food we had. I knew I had to be ready to speak about something because, of no surprise to me, Justin quickly grabbed me as his dance partner.
"I knew you couldn't resist," I smiled as I placed a hand on Justin's back and one in his palm.
"Shut up, you know the bait you set. It was only a matter of time." Justin gripped onto my hand and placed his right hand on my hip.
"There's nothing to tell J. I'm so muddled up, I wouldn't even know where to begin." I stepped back, rolling my hips.
"Is it related what we were talking about? he asked.
"More about what we did and what it means," I replied. I could feel Justin's body as it tensed up. I hit a nerve, and I didn't know that it was one to be hit.
"Come on, we're going up to the balcony." I let Justin lead the way and figured no one would even notice we were missing and if they did, they probably thought we went back for more dessert. Let's be real, it's not as far fetched as it sounds.
The view from the balcony was amazing. The sky was a dark navy blue, layered with lavender and a light pink atop it. The water was calmly brushed with waves, creating a soothing sound that drowned out the commotion below. I loved it here, it was beautiful. I could sit out here reading a book, or even writing one, for days.
"I realized we never spoke in-depth about us having sex and we do, we really need to," Justin started.
"And you bring me to the most romantic spot to do so?" I teased.
Justin chuckled. "Zee, be serious, would you?"
"Fine, where do we start?" I asked.
"Was what happened between us only sex or intimacy to you?" he asked.
I didn't answer right away, I needed to think. I needed to be honest, as honest as I could be. This all had to be handled delicately. Regardless of the friendship Justin and I have, it's still not entirely free of attraction and emotions for one another. I meant it when I said I love him.
"It was sex, nothing but lust and passion. But had we done things slightly different, it would have had the potential to be intimate," I replied.
"I feel the same way. If I'd taken it a bit slower, stared into your eyes like I wanted to, it would've been a different experience."
Wanted to? He wanted to have intimate sex? With me? This isn't clearing the air, it's adding more smoke to it.
"When you said that you love me, did you mean it?" I asked.
"I care about you very much, even though I know I have a horrible way of showing it. You feel the things I feel. You know what I'm trying to say when no one else does. I relate to you in a way that can sometimes be hard to do with others. I did mean it and I still do. I'm just scared to lose you because of how I feel," he explained.
"Having sex was definitely something you wanted to do, then?" I asked.
"For awhile, yeah. Given the circumstance, the sex was limited. It could have been heavier and hotter without being less intimate."
"Justin, that sounds like you saying you want to be intimate with me."
"It's exactly what I'm saying."
I don't know what to say to that. "Um...," I started.
"Do you believe what I just said?" Justin asked.
"Yes, that's why I'm lost for words. I believe you, it scares me," I replied.
"Would you want to be intimate with me? Not just sex but real intimacy. You could honestly see that with me?" he asked.
I nodded. Seemed to me that if anything, Justin needed more assurance than I ever did. I didn't have a doubt in my mind that Justin meant everything he said to me. But he doubted me. Can't say I blame him.
"You could see yourself actually being with me?" I asked.
Justin nodded. "I can see a lot of things happening between us that could be exhilarating. But we're being honest, Zahra. You and JC have something totally different than what you and I have, and you keep ignoring that. I just need you to understand that you don't owe me a relationship because we had something going on at first."
"I don't feel like I owe you, Justin. I have something inside of me for you."
"Okay, let me just throw this out in the open. How did you really feel when you found out and Britney and I?" he asked.
Like you ripped out my heart and ate it for dinner. Raw.
"It definitely wasn't a pleasant reaction, it really hurt. I wanted to stay away because I knew I could never compete with her," I replied.
"That's how I felt when I started to notice I couldn't compete with JC. But when things got rough with what we each had going on, we'd run back to what was easy. Each other. I liked having things that way."
It's a dangerous relationship we have. It can't be fixed if Justin and I don't know what there is between us. We think we know, but we don't. We've never taken that step together.
"We still run to each other, J," I said. Justin nodded in agreement. "Do you understand why I mentioned trying US out? I feel like if I don't explore these things with you, then I'll always want to. That want will still be there and it'll stop me from trying to be all in with JC."
"Do you honestly believe that if we explore, we'll stop wanting each other?"
"Yes. I mean, how can we try to stop now if we haven't had the chance to even find out what it is we want from one another?"
"I really have to think about this, Zahra. This is fire you're wanting us to play with." We sat in silence, not awkward, but much needed. "Is this why you've been pushing JC on Emmanuelle so much?"
Seems so.
"Besides the fact that he really does like her, I think he and I need to evaluate the inconsistencies in the dynamic of our relationship before we try to sustain a serious one."
"He's going to be crushed."
"He'll feel worse if we end up not working out and losing each other."
I can't afford to lose JC like that. I need him.
2001: What's Done is Done
I was scared. The conversation I was about to have with JC was making me nervous. Sick to my stomach, hands shaking, nervous. It was about 1 AM, and I had told JC to meet me down at the beach. I wanted us to be in the most calm and serene environment as possible. He had a big day tomorrow, and I didn't want his aura to be all tense because of me.
I sat down in the sand, covering myself with a blanket. Underneath I had on a tank top and long shawl tied around my waist as a skirt. I was using the time it was taking him to get to the beach to figure out how I was going to approach this entire thing. My main concern was trying to keep him from hating me.
"It's beautiful out here."
I turned my head to the right and looked up. JC. His hair was blowing in his face due to the cool coastal breeze. A t-shirt, basketball shorts, and flip flops, yet to me he looked like he was wearing a suit. This place was being so generous to him. He'd also brought a blanket with him, it was placed next to me. Everything about him and this beach was perfect. This was going to be hard.
"Yeah, it's great. I really love this place," I finally said.
JC sat down next to me and we faced each other, keeping our blankets around us. Even with the moon illuminating the sky, JC's eyes were still intensely bright and clearly seen. I felt myself beginning to get sick.
"I'm not sure if I even wanna ask what it is we're going to talk to about," JC said.
I smirked a bit, taking a deep breath. "First off, I need you to know and understand that no matter what we've been through, the ups and downs, everything, I don't regret the day I met you. I never will."
It was like I could actually see JC's insides drop. His eyes looked away from me and he nervously began to fiddle with his Leo chain. I felt the tears begin to creep into my eyes. No. I had to be strong for this. JC knew how to prey on my moments of weakness and I couldn't let him change my mind.
"Zahra."
"I don't want things to still be the way they were when you were dating Bobbi. I don't want you to be with someone else and there's me on the sidelines feeling that it's okay."
JC had stopped fiddling and was now staring at me with a stern, but wounded look.
"What I want from you is unfair because you just got out of a long relationship. You need to be free and I won't be the one to tie you down. I couldn't bear you being the one cheating on me with someone else. I want the first time we step into our relationship to be so pure, that nothing we did in the past can ever ruin it."
JC scoffed. "We finally have a chance to be together and you say we can't. The irony. Zahra, I won't force you, if you don't want to be with me.."
"I never said that," I quickly said.
"Then exactly what are you saying? Because it sounds pretty clear to me that you don't want to be with me," JC questioned.
"I do want to be with you. I'm saying that right now isn't the best time for us. I'm so confused about you and I all the time. I want to be ready for a relationship with you and I'm just not. I'm not mature enough."
JC didn't respond to me, he just sat there, staring at the view in front of him. I let silent tears fall from my eyes and let the sounds of paradise calm and soothe the feeling of guilt that weighed heavy on me. Things were silent between us for what seemed like eternity. I had nothing more to say and I had no idea what was going on inside of JC right now. I was certain of not wanting to know, too.
JC hates me.
I n the time of not exchanging anymore words, I'd gotten out my emotions in quiet and was alright for the moment. I thought it'd be best if I left and while I decided on it, I felt something warm against my fingers. I didn't move, nor did I look to see what it was in case it was an insect that stung. But it wasn't. My fingers were being moved, until they were ultimately grasped. JC was holding hand. I exhaled before gathering the courage to look over at him. He was pushing back the hair out of his face.
"I told you before, I’ll support whatever you want us to do, if it means I'll have you in the end," JC said.
I was astounded. "Thank you."
"But for tonight and the rest of this trip, I want things to be as if you were my girlfriend, the mother of my child. If I have to lose you, let's part on a positive note."
"Okay," I said quietly.
JC had opened up his blanket, laying it across the sand. He signaled for me to sit next to him. I opened my blanket, and he wrapped it around us both as I leaned on his shoulder, held in his arms. As tough as I try to be, that's all I wanted sometimes. The spot I chose to sit was in front of a large rock, wanting the maximum seclusion in case JC had walked off in anger. I didn't think the spot would end up being great for having him sit and hang out with me.
I sat back up and looked up at him. "I love you."
JC touched the side of my face, caressing the back of his fingers across my cheek. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on my lips. He hovered for a minute, his forehead pressed against mine, before kissing me again. I felt his fingers pull through my hair, his body moving closer to mine. I didn't have the intention to stop whatever was going to happen. I did want to enjoy our time together while we still had it. The night was beautiful, we were on the beach, and everything was romantic. For once, I wanted to let things happen naturally, the way it should.
I gently forced our kiss from a vertical position to horizontal. JC carefully rolled me onto my back, throwing a few strands of hair away from my face. I trailed my fingertip across his jawline before pulling him into another kiss. His body melted between my thighs and I was aware of the heat being stirred up. I slightly jumped at his cool lips kissing my neck. His tongue massaged, along with soft bites after each kiss. I was for sure turned on now. Pulling back, JC got up from between my legs. I sat up on my elbows to watch what he was doing. He took off his t-shirt, I salivated at his fitness, and he undid the knot I had for my skirt to keep it on my waist. He removed the shawl and slid down my underwear, his eyes fixated on mine. I wasn't thinking about what would happen next, I didn't know. JC pushed my legs up into and upside down V, and then widened them. The cool breeze whipped against my bare skin, it felt good.
"I love you, too, Zahra."
JC dove his head between my thighs. That precise second his mouth connected with my clit, I gasped out. I could feel it swell between his lips, I locked my ankles, my fingers dug into the sand. JC had never done this for me, nor had I ever had it done to me. This was new, the experience was explosive. The touch of his tongue sliding up and down, between my folds, made me feel so helpless. I couldn't force myself against him to foster a climax, I had to lay back and let him have control. JC had me in the palm of his hand and I rarely relinquished that privilege to anyone.
I held onto JC's head, trying not to pull his hair. His tongue began to slide in and out of me. I cried out. This insane feeling of bliss poured out of me. I could feel a knot in my stomach, his tongue sank deeper inside me and caressed against my walls.
"Mmm...oh my god...," I moaned.
JC moved up to my lips, kissing me. His groan vibrated through my mouth, he must have gotten a kick out me accepting his kiss after oral sex. He fumbled with his basketball shorts and boxers, ripping them down and throwing them next to my skirt. His body fell between my legs. Feeling his erection against my skin, immediately I got wetter. Buried in my neck, I knew what JC wanted to happen.
"Stop, Josh, stop," I breathed.
JC's head shot up. "What's the matter? What's wrong?"
It was hard to stop him when he was in heat, because JC in heat always resulted in me having a great night of amazing, passion-filled sex. But, I had to. I hadn't started on birth control yet and he definitely didn't have any condoms. We couldn't find ourselves in a predicament like before. I wouldn't go through that experience again.
"We don't have protection," I responded.
JC started to slide his erection between my folds, up and down. My body locked up around his, my nails slightly dug into the skin of his shoulders. The heat building up between us was like the start of a fire, not having a layer to block the friction was having great results. I moaned out, closing my eyes, wanting to truly ride the wave of what I was feeling. JC quickly snapped his teeth down on my lip, his kiss burned with that need he seemed to have for me. I forced my hand in between our bodies, his penis was pointing downward, and I positioned it in the upward direction. If he were to come, the result would end up between our lower stomachs. I grabbed onto JC's ass, his motion was fast and easy. My clit was throbbing against his penis. This was no nonsense, directly to the point. I had quickly gotten to the point of climax, loving how we wouldn't have to contain our moans being way out on the beach.
"Come on, come on," I breathed.
JC propped up on his two hands and increased his pressure down on me. I held onto him tightly, roughly tongue kissing him, eating up every second that I could. I did want us to make love, but he obviously didn't want us to leave the beach without our bodies touching. I soon stopped trying to hold onto the tingling feeling that crept up my thighs. I cursed, hearing how close JC was to unloading himself. I let go of the moment, and cried out in satisfaction as I came. I felt JC's thigh tremble against my ankle, followed by something warm against my stomach. I stayed still for a moment, listening to his heavy breathing gradually slow down.
"Let’s go play in the water," JC whispered.
2001: I'm caught.
JC and I ended up back in his room, where we went at it a couple more times. I drew the line when the muscles in my body became tight, and I couldn't feel anything below my waist. I spent the night in his room, in his bed, wrapped in his arms. For the first time since I met JC, he wasn't attached to anyone, and what happened between us was right. We didn't have to sneak. Yet, I felt as of he were attached. As if JC still wasn't truly mine, like he belonged to someone else.
I carefully made my way out of his bed and snuck into the bathroom. I needed to grab a shower and head back to my own room before anyone else woke up. Even though JC and I had an arrangement for the time being, no one else knew about it. I don't think I want them to either, if it wasn't already obvious. I simply wanted to enjoy JC and the fact that I felt I still had to sneak around, even though both of us were single, let me further know I had some things to work out within myself. I wonder if JC felt the same. I'd have to ask him. I only hope that once we did return back to the hustled pace of our own lives, we'd still speak to each other. That was the promise we made long ago. I wanted to keep it.
I stepped out of the bathroom and gathered up the few bits of clothing I had. I had started to walk over to the door and I stopped. JC would wake up and I wouldn't be there, I didn't have to do things this way. I didn't want to. I crept quietly to the side of the bed JC was on and touched him gently.
"Josh," I whispered.
"Hmm?" His eyes were still closed.
"I'm going back to my room....Cel and I will try to catch you guys at rehearsals and if not, we'll see you at the show tonight," I explained.
"Okay, thank you." JC opened his eyes, looking right into my eyes. Stunned is an understatement. I rave about how handsome JC is all too often, but it is such the truth. The words to describe how I felt just looking at him....I don't think it'd do him justice. The things other people may find fault with him, I find heavenly. I all of a sudden decided, I wouldn't leave. I could not do it.
I stood up and dropped my things right on the armchair. JC's eyes traveled up, his face scrunched in confusion. I climbed over him and eased back into my spot in the bed. I took my hair from its' holder to let it air-dry. JC turned to his other side, gazing at me. He seemed lost in thought, trying to figure out what to say. Why, though?
"What is it?" I started.
"You're staying....why?" he asked.
"Honestly I just want to be with you, wrapped up in you. Or simply having your head lay across my lap. I sound stupid," I said, feeling the immediate regret of showing such vulnerability.
"No, no you don't. You don't sound stupid. For once, you sound like you have real feelings." JC brushed his fingers through my hair. "You sound like a human being."
"I didn't before?" I had my fingers interlocked behind my head, my eyes intently fixed on JC. I wanted to know what was on JC's mind. In all this time, I wonder if I ever bothered to even ask.
"It's, never mind," JC dismissed.
"No." I sat up and directly faced him, legs crossed at the ankles. "I want a real answer from you."
Seeing that I was indeed serious, JC also sat up and faced me. We really looked at each other, not as lovers, not as friends, but as people. Real people that felt real things all the time and didn't always talk about it.
"You have a tendency to believe that you're built like a robot, like you don't have human emotions, and you take pride in it. You live under the false pretense that if you don't feel, you wont't hurt, so you choose not to feel. I know that you runaway when the capacity for which you feel is too intense. It's only a ruse. Regardless of what you want people to believe, you do feel and you feel deeply. Being vulnerable doesn't make you stupid, it makes you brave."
I was taken aback. He was right, and what made it mean so much more to me was because it was something he noticed over time. All those times I didn't think he noticed me or knew I was alive, he observed me. He observed me accurately. How is it I can know someone and not really know them at all?
When I did decide it was time to leave JC, I did so while he was in the shower. That way I didn't get sucked right back into not wanting to leave. I needed to know that I wasn't making a mistake by giving JC and I space. I'm not, right? I'm not, I know I'm not. The worst that can happen as a result of my decision is that JC and I will get over each other. I don't want that to happen, but it isn't entirely inevitable.
As I debated back and forth with my mind, I slammed into someone. I don't know why I was looking down. When my eyes focused, I looked up to immediately apologize, and the words felt like they got sucked out of my body. Shit. That was definitely the word I couldn't stop repeating. Chris.
"I won't even ask," Chris said.
"Who are you and what have you done to Chris Kirkpatrick?" I asked.
"Oh ha. It's about time you two got together, actually," he replied.
About time? Wait, he kno-- yeah, everybody knows by now. No need to fool myself.
"We're not together, we decided to give each other some space and then take it from there."
Chris scrunched up his face; it was either confusion or his 'what the hell?' expression.
"Space? You and JC?" Chris asked.
I nodded. "We need to work on some things and space gives us room to do that."
"Alright then. I'll catch up with you later on, I need to grab some food before we go off to rehearsals."
"Bye," I waved as Chris headed off. Weird, but his lack of words, put me off. He didn't have much to say and that wasn't like Chris, even if it was making a joke. I wonder what he wanted to say.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I'm on my last session of summer classes and I'll have a nice long chunk of a break until Fall semester starts, so I'll be trying to work on getting more updates.
Story Tags: friendsturnedlovers outdoorsex tour soloj triangles celebritysync jc justin friendswithbenefits
