Chapter 1

I guess you know me well
I don’t like winter
But I seem to get a kick out of doing you cold
Oh, what the hell, you always surrender
What’s this strange relationship that we hold onto? 

Baby I just can’t stand to see you happy
More than that I hate to see you sad
Honey if you left me I just might do something rash
What’s this strange relationship-ship-ship?

"Are you sure you don’t want to sit in the sunshine? It’s glorious outside this morning," Jen’s mother, Aurora, asked me as she hung up some new wind chimes that we’d purchased earlier that morning.

Curled up on the comfortable sofa and surrounded by a blanket, I shook my head. "No, I’m fine here," I answered softly, still comfortable in my misery.

It had been two weeks since I’d left Justin’s house and I hadn’t heard a word from him. Sasha and Mike coordinated the exchange of luggage and toiletries in Orlando while I lay cocooned in the Heavenly bed, trying to console myself with memories that would never be again. The next day we flew back home to Maryland where I spent exactly one day at Sasha’s before JJ drove me out with his incessant babbling about rap and skills, not to mention the times he tried to ‘spit’ for me. But when I went back home the memories were just too much. Everywhere I turned I was reminded of either Justin or my parents so I turned to the next best thing: Jen’s house.

Jen didn’t live as close to me as Sasha did but it wasn’t very far -- just off of 16th Street in Washington, DC, right over the line that separated DC and Maryland. She wasn’t there but her mother was and if you needed comfort, Jen’s house was the place to be.

Aurora – we were instructed since we were children to call her Aurora and not Mrs. Cantes – wasn’t your typical mom. My mom and Sasha’s mom called her weird and she never quite fit into the typical mom fold that our parents did. Besides being White, she always did her own thing, which I had grown to admire. She was into astrology, crystals, oils and all of those other so-called healing properties and her house was filled with plants and knickknacks that she’d collected over the years, giving her house a homey feel. I knew I’d be welcome there and could confide any secrets I had in her. I called and she insisted I come right over accompanied by a bag filled with enough things to stay indefinitely. I followed instructions and by the time I arrived she was waiting with a huge pot full of steaming, chamomile tea, ready to listen.

Over our tea, I told her everything. Some of it she knew from Jen, but the pregnancy was a huge surprise to her.

"Are you sure that’s what you want to do, honey?" she asked, furrowing her brown. "You know you’d have plenty of support from me and the girls."

"But that’s not enough," I told her frankly. "I need someone who’s going to be there day and night, experiencing everything I am. And then there’s the whole problem with who he is – I can’t be responsible for ruining that, you know? No matter how much he says he wouldn’t resent it, I know deep down that eventually he would and I can’t have that. He’s worked too hard for the success he’s gotten to have someone like me ruin it. I tried so hard to explain it to him but he was drunk and high and wouldn’t listen," I confided. "All he could see was that I was rejecting him and his baby and that’s not the case at all."

She sighed. "Well do you think that now that he’s sober and has a clear mind he might be more able to listen to reason?"

I’d thought about that but through my daily conversations with Mike I knew it wasn’t going to happen anytime soon. I shook my head, "No … he’s still on a rampage," I answered. "He’s not that bad, I mean he’s not drunk constantly, but apparently my name is forbidden to be mentioned. He doesn’t want anything to do with me."

"What about his mother, can you get to him through her?"

I laughed harshly. "She doesn’t even know this is going on, as far as I know. And if she doesn’t I’m not going to be the one to tell her. It’s all up to him – who he tells, what he does, what he doesn’t."

She took a sip of tea. "Ah, but you see it’s not up to him. The most important decision is up to you, honey. You’re holding all the cards right now and he knows it and the fact that he can’t change your mind is killing him."

I shrugged. "I won’t change my mind. I won’t do it no matter how bad I know abortion is. Even if he was by my side right now, I’d still know that I was making the right decision." And I believed that. I’ve already outlined my reasons for believing so strongly in not having the baby; there’s no use in going into them now. Just know that they hadn’t changed – if anything, his behavior had made them grow stronger than ever.

Aurora reached over and squeezed my shoulder. "I’m not pushing you in any direction, honey. I’ll be by your side for whatever you choose to do, okay?" She looked right into my eyes and I knew she meant what she said.

Looking back, I nodded, "Okay," I said over a sob that was trying its best to escape from my throat.

Aurora finished her tea and sat the cup down with a definitive clang. "No matter what you decide, it seems to me that what you need right now is a little TLC and who better than me to give it? I’m sick of rattling around in this big old house by myself now that Jenny’s gone. You’re staying here for a little while until things are back on an even keel for you. And don’t even bother trying to argue with me; Mother God brought you to me because we need each other right now and that’s that."

Aurora believed in Mother God and Father God and any time spent trying to talk her out of it was useless. I just went with the flow. I knew when I’d lost a battle. "Can’t argue with Mother God, can you?" I said tremulously, trying to give her a weak smile and she smiled back broadly.

"Nope, you sure can’t. Besides, it’ll give Jenny some peace of mind. She’s been worried to death about you and knowing you’re here will take a huge load off. And my God, I can only imagine how much Sasha has been mothering you to death," she put a hand over her forehead as if in pain. "That girl will drive anyone crazy!"

Aurora was complaining but for some reason she and Sasha had always clicked and been the closest out of all of us. Even though Sasha claimed not to believe in any of the stuff Aurora spouted to all of us, she sat and listened to her for hours while Jen and I went off and played. She even looked forward to the weekly massages that Aurora insisted she give us; she claimed they helped heal the body and none of us complained because they felt amazing, but Sash was always first in line for them. They had a special bond that I was never a part of but it was okay. I was glad Sash had someone to visit and talk to, someone that she trusted and could open up with. So Aurora’s complaining was just malarkey as far as I was concerned. We both knew Sasha would be over at the house every day and neither of us minded. Besides, just as Aurora said, I knew she’d been lonely since Jen had left the house. Jen was the last of her kids – she had an older brother and sister – and the company would be nice, for both of us.

And that was how I ended up basically living at Jen and Aurora’s house for the next few weeks. The appointment for my procedure – that is what is what it was referred to – was in a couple of weeks and I needed to soak up all the motherly attention I could before and after. Aurora would’ve preferred if I had moved in permanently lock, stock and barrel, but I knew that I couldn’t hide away in her home forever.

It was time to move on. It was time to move on in a life away from Justin.

Anyway, that particular morning – of course Aurora was a morning person when I’m so not – she’d dragged me out of bed to catch the ‘beautiful early morning light’ and I stayed curled up on the couch inside of the large kitchen ever since. Normally I’m a late riser but once I’m up, I’m up --- not any longer though. Those days I spent slinking around, moping and missing Justin so badly that it took every ounce of self-control not to call him. I figured he’d get in touch with me if he wanted me, right? Apparently his life was moving on just fine without me and I didn’t want to go crawling back, begging him to forgive me. Besides, I still stood beside my decision, missing him or not. It seemed that was the crux of our problem: he wanted the baby and I didn’t. But what he didn’t understand was that I was the one who would be saddled with the responsibility of taking care of the baby, not him. He would breeze in and out of our lives while I had to deal with the day-to-day activities and call me weak, but I just wasn’t ready to do that by myself. Why he couldn’t understand that, I didn’t know but I did know that I had to be strong in my decision – after all, this child would be my responsibility for life, not for just eighteen years.

I truly believed, and still believe, that I did the right thing.

Now don’t go thinking I believe women should go running to an abortion clinic every five seconds because I don’t. But they’re there for a reason. Roe v. Wade happened for a reason. Maybe my reason didn’t seem as important on the surface as others, but it was important to me and that’s all that mattered.

That’s what Aurora told me one afternoon when we sat around talking. Generally our routine consisted of her making me get up to run errands to get some godforsaken oils or incense, lunch, then afternoons spent at home talking or relaxing. In retrospect I have to thank her because otherwise I know I would’ve lain in bed all day. Not even Sasha could’ve gotten me up but Aurora, no matter how close and familiar we were, was still Jen’s mom and therefore it was ingrained in me that I had to do what she said.

Mike called me every day around two or so, just to check in. That’s when our friendship really began to take hold. At first I thought he was calling on behalf of Justin to be sneaky but pretty soon I realized that he truly cared and wanted to know how I was. Awkward at first, we soon began talking like long-lost friends, discussing everything from politics, fans and the ABC soap lineup. Before I knew it, Mike was considered to be part of my small circle of friends: Sasha, Jen, Aurora, and Dave.

Yes, Dave. When I returned home, I found about thirty messages from him asking where I was and I called him back. Pretty soon everything came pouring out and despite Justin’s better judgment, I told him about the baby situation. I couldn’t have asked for a more supportive friend --- and when I say friend, I mean friend. He made sure to call me everyday and to occasionally drop by something silly that he knew I’d enjoy: the latest Barbie, some of the 90210 dolls, a book I’d expressed interest in or that he knew I’d like. I’m no dummy; I know his interest went beyond pure friendship but I made it clear that that was all I could handle at that time and he made it clear that he would respect that. Therefore I added another member to my support team.

I needed support more than anything else at that time and all of it was greatly appreciated.

~*~

"Are you okay? You need more orange juice?" Sasha hovered over me like a mother hen, fussing over me as she tucked in my comforter and forced food down my throat.

I’d had my ‘procedure’ that morning and all I wanted was to die.

Literally.

It was done; the decision I’d made weeks before was carried out and everything was over. My baby was gone, almost as if it had never existed, right along with its’ father. I didn’t know if he knew or not but I knew Mike knew because Sasha had told him the day before, big mouth that she was, and he’d expressed nothing but worry for me. Which was a good thing because I was a heap of sobbing tears. On the way there I promised myself that I wouldn’t cry and I kept that promise, but when I arrived home – I’d decided that I wanted to come home to my own bed instead of staying at Aurora’s – I’d gone straight upstairs and collapsed into tears on my bed and hadn’t stopped for hours. Sasha was at her wit’s end on how to deal with me but still managed to treat me gently.

"No," I croaked," shaking my head that rested on a tear-soaked pillow. "I’m fine, Sash. Go watch TV or something." Naturally she wanted to stay with me until she felt I was stronger but really, all I wanted was to be left alone with my misery.

"I don’t want to leave you alone, girl," she protested, but I insisted.

"I need to rest, right? That’s all I’m gonna do, I promise," I told her. "Lay here and rest, get some sleep. If you’re hovering over me, I won’t sleep you know that. So go downstairs and chill, okay? If I need you, I’ll call you."

"Promise?" Sash was wavering and I pushed her over that edge.

"Promise," I affirmed, nodding my head to make sure she understood. It worked. With one backward glance, she left me alone.

Alone. Peacefully alone to remember all the times Justin and I had cuddled together in that bed, all the times we’d just freaking been together. I missed him so much, more than I can even type. It was like my heart was literally broken in two, like half of me was now missing. I’d never realized quite how much time Justin and I had spent together once our relationship really got going – Sash was always my best friend, but he took on a different role. He was my everything. We talked about everything, discussed everything, laughed about everything – the point was we did everything together. I traveled with him, leaving my life and home behind without a second thought, and followed him all over through his various travels in the US.

And I’d do it again if I had the chance.

Maybe I was being too melodramatic. He’d begged me to stay, right? He’d asked me to stay with him and maybe that meant we could try again with a clean slate. I knew he loved me – love wasn’t ever the problem. It was everything else that causes stress. But knowing what we knew now, could we try it again? Give our romance a second chance?

But I was too afraid of rejection to call him, knowing how angry he still was. I mean, he wouldn’t let people speak my name in his presence, for God’s sake! So I lay there in bed and pondered what to do when the phone rang.

Normally Sash would get it but it was my cell phone so I reached over, intending to do nothing more than to pick it up, check to see who was calling and sit it back down but the name on it floored me.

It said: Justin Cell.

Justin was calling me, on today of all days. My heart began to beat faster and faster and I started breathing hard, not knowing what to do. Eventually the sane part of me took over and raised the phone to my ear, pressing the on button. "Hello?"

"T?" He sounded the same, I remember thinking. Serious, but the same.

"Yeah," I answered breathlessly. "Justin?"

He exhaled. "Yeah, it’s me. How … how are you? Is everything okay?"

"I’m fine," I answered honestly, not sure if he knew what had happened earlier that day. By his tone it was impossible to tell. "How’re you doing?"

"I’m doing good, real good. We won the lawsuit, I don’t know if you heard," he said tentatively, trying to lighten the mood of the conversation.

I was elated. "You did?! That amazing! Justin, I’m so happy for you guys," I couldn’t have been happier if I had won a lawsuit. "So does that mean ‘No Strings Attached’ can come out? Are you guys finally free of the Fat Asshole?" Fat Asshole was the name we’d given to Lou Perelman.

"Yep," he answered proudly. "We’re looking at a release date of early next year with a big-ass tour, T. It’s gonna be fucking huge, like nothing anybody would expect from us. And you know we have those dates in Hawaii on New Year’s – we did the dates in Vegas over Thanksgiving already."

I was supposed to be there in Vegas but I didn’t mention it.

"How did they go? Did you knock ‘em dead?"

He laughed. "You’re always so optimistic, I swear."

I laughed right back at him. "You’ve done that show, like, a million times. You could do it in your sleep! If you didn’t knock ‘em dead I would’ve been disappointed," I explained. It was true; they did that show practically every single day in 1999 and I knew they were sick and tired of it. Heck, even I was sick and tired of it and I’d only met Justin in July.

He conceded that I had a point. "I can’t lie, you’re right. We did the shows and we added ‘Bye, Bye, Bye’ but otherwise it’s the same shit we’ve been doing for a million fucking years," he told me.

"Are you switching anything for Hawaii?" I asked.

"I wish," he groaned. "Same show as in Vegas, unfortunately. That’s why I was calling, actually. I mean, that’s not the only reason I’m calling but – I was thinking – fuck it. I miss you, T. I know I acted like an ass that last night and I know I deserve it if you never speak to me again but I miss you. I need you and I want you back, baby. Would you think about trying again? About us trying again? I know some things have to change, like my temper and shit, but I’m willing to try. I’d do anything to have you and the baby back. Anything. Just think about it, baby, okay? Gimme a chance, okay?"
 

My heart had been spiraling out of control up until his last few sentences when he mentioned the baby. The question I’d been wondering about earlier – whether or not he knew about the abortion or not --- was definitively answered and I had no clue how to answer him. I wanted to do all of the things he’d suggested but they came with a price tag that I couldn’t deliver – the baby.

"Umm, Justin…" I began uncertainly, not knowing what to say, "The thing is…"

"I’m not asking for an answer right away," he interrupted my lame attempt to respond to his spontaneous outpouring. "You can think about it, baby. Just think about us and our family, that’s all I’m asking."

"There’s isn’t any family!" I finally blurted out, not thinking about what would be the best thing to say. "The baby … it’s gone. I went this morning and had it taken care of, Justin. I thought you knew … when I hadn’t heard from you in all these weeks I assumed you were okay with my decision."

If there was a wrong way to tell a guy about an abortion, that’s it, ladies and gentlemen.

There was a long silence on the phone before he spoke and when he finally did, his voice was weak. "You … you did it without me? You did that without me being there with you, T?"

I covered my eyes with my hands. "You said you never wanted to see me again!"

"I was mad and you know that when I get mad I say stupid shit! You know that!"

My eyes remained covered, my small way of hiding from reality. "If you never wanted to see me again then where have you been all this time? Why haven’t you called to see how I was doing? Justin, as far as I knew you were done with me and I had to make the best decision for me. You weren’t a part of that decision anymore because you removed yourself from that equation when you told me to get out of your sight, remember?"

More silence on the line. I could hear him breathing so I knew that he was there and I waited for him to gather his thoughts together. Finally, he spoke. "I’m not gonna say I approve of what you did but I would’ve been there for you. I would’ve held your hand and taken care of you. Even with everything that’s happened, I still love you more than anything, T. You took that away from me and it hurts to think that you think I wouldn’t give a fuck. Is that what you think for real?"
 

I sighed. I wasn’t sure what the hell I thought anymore. "All I can go by is your words and your actions, J, and both of them have showed me that you want me out of your life. Can you tell me any different?"

"Tara … I’ve told you a million times that I need you. Just because we’re going through some hard times doesn’t change that. I’ve needed you since you left my house that night. And the whole time I felt bad for calling you a cold bitch but you know what? I wonder if I was really wrong … because you cut me out of something that was just as important to me as it was to you. You were wrong this time, T. You should’ve told me, no matter how much shit I talked, you owed me that much."

All of a sudden I was angry, not sad. "I owed you? I did exactly what you asked me to do – get out of your face. If I called and told you anything, nine times out of ten you would’ve told me to fuck off and we both know it. And now you have the nerve to try to make me feel guilty? The day of the abortion when I’m laying here crying already, you try to make me feel guilty about you? This isn’t about you this time, Justin and this time I’m not letting it be about you. It’s about my loss and me. Yeah, you lost something too but I had something ripped from my body and if you think it’s not killing me you’re insane! So you think about how wrong you are, okay? Think about it and call me when you have some sense in your fucking head because right now I can’t deal with your self-centeredness. Goodbye."

With that, I hung the phone up and turned it off, knowing he would immediately call back over and over. For once I didn’t give a damn. After all the weeks missing him, for once I was glad that he wasn’t around at that moment because I think I would’ve punched him in the face.

He had been right the first time. It was a good thing we were over. It was time to heal and move on.

But where to start?