Strange Relationship

Chapter Fourteen

It could all be so simple

But you'd rather make it hard

See, loving you is like a battle

And we both end up with scars

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

'Cause no one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game

That forces you to act this way?

Forces you to scream my name

Then pretend that you can't stay

Tell me who I have to be

To get some reciprocity

'Cause no one loves you more than me

And no one ever will

No matter how I think we go

You always seem to let me know

It ain't working

And when I try to walk away

You hurt yourself to make me stay

This is crazy

I keep letting you back in

How can I explain myself?

As painful as this thing has been

I just can’t be with no on else

See, I know what we've got to do

You let go and I'll let go, too

“Cause no one's hurt me more than you

And no one ever will

I kept listening to 'Ex-Factor' on repeat when I got home, thinking of Justin and me. Some of the song – very little of the song --- didn't apply to use but most of it did. It was like I couldn't let go of him, no matter how hard I tried. And no matter what we did, things weren’t working.

I still spoke to him every day – it had been a week since I left New York and he called me a million times each day to talk. We were supposedly following my new plan, which was to be friends first and see what happened next. I needed time to trust him and he just hadn't given me that, so we were walking or talking on eggshells with one another. Take that back – I was walking on eggshells around him, trying hard not to give him too much hope. He'd betrayed my trust when he was talking with Britney at the same party I was at, in my opinion, and I wasn't ready to forgive and forget yet. There was too much water under the Britney bridge, as far as I was concerned.

But he swore to me, on his mother's life – which was not something he took lightly – that he felt nothing for Britney anymore and wanted me back more than ever. That made me sit up and take notice but I didn't feel strong enough to see him yet. I wanted to know that I was with someone that I could trust completely. Not for a month, or a few months, but period. I needed to know that we could be apart I wouldn't be wondering if she was there.

Anyway, I'd spent the last week listening to that song and a few others that were morose as well, trying to figure out what to do. God knows I missed him like crazy. I had gone into Sasha's new business and done a few things but all the time my mind was on him in one way or another. If I would just say the word, he would've flown in right away or had me come to him in a second but something was holding me back. Knowing that he's actually slept with someone else, actually done the deed, so to speak, made everything change. I just couldn't trust him, which was the bottom line.

So three I was, lying on the couch in the music room, thinking about him and our relationship when the doorbell rang. Thinking it was Dave or Sasha or Jen, who was still home on Christmas break, I got up and meandered over to the door. Imagine my surprise to open it and find Justin and Mike, both beaming at me.

“Baby girl!” Mike exclaimed, pushing his way past Justin and picking me up, swinging me around. I was just as happy to see him – h hadn't done anything to me, after all – and I wrapped my arms around him tight.

“Mike!” I exclaimed back. “What are you guys doing here?”

He put me back down on my feet and stepped back so I could see Justin. “We came because of me,” Justin said quietly. Standing there in his North Face jacket. “I figured that we've been apart enough … not we need to try to be together again.”

“This is where I make myself scarce.” Mike said, then picked up his duffel bad and walked behind me into the family room, where I was sure he settle in quite comfortably.

I shook my head. “You deified my wishes, Justin,” I said, almost angrily, but I was too glad to see him to be rally angry. “You knew I wanted more time apart.”

“Time apart isn't doing us any good,” he said almost as angrily as me. “We're supposed to be together, not hundreds of miles apart for a silly reason. Do you think I'd go through all this, you not talking to me and leaving Hawaii, if I didn't love only you? Britney was right there and yeah, I could've had her if I wanted her, but I didn't want her. Ask anyone who was there and they'll tell you how upset she was. But I didn't care. I was more upset than she was because I wanted you and no one else,” he finished, shivering. “Now … can I come in? It's freezing out here”.

It was very old so I stepped back and let him in. Still mad that he'd ignored my wishes, I stalked into the music room and curled back up onto the sofa. He dropped his duffel bag and followed me in there, taking off his jacked and tossing it onto a chair. “What're you doing?”

“Listening to music.”

“Tara, come on. Talk to me. I flew all the way here, can't I get some props for that?”

“I didn't ask you to come,” I reminded him. “This was all your big idea. I'm sure you and Mike can entertain yourselves. I'm not in a company mood.”

Just then Mike appeared in the doorway. “Tara, you got any snacks or anything? I'm starving!”

Justin shot him a dirty look for interrupting while I smiled. Same old Mike. “Check out the kitchen and the pantry,” I told him. There's stuff in both of those places to make sandwiches and there’s chips and stuff.”

He disappeared again while Justin scowled at me. “What?” I asked innocently, not knowing why he was so mad.

“Why're you being so nice to him and so mean to me?” He sounded genuinely hurt.

I sat up straighter on the couch. “Mike isn't my boyfriend who cheated on me with a girl I despise,” I reminded him. You, on the other hand, are that person. Or were.”

He sat down on the couch next to me. “So I'm not your boyfriend anymore?” he asked. What a stupid question, I thought. Then I said it.

“That's a stupid question,” I answered. “I told you we were on a break – just like last time. We're free to do whatever or whomever we want. Nobody has any claim to anybody right now.”

He leaned over me and I could smell his cologne. God, my anger was slowly evaporating just at the sight of his face. … I needed some kryptonite or something to protect myself against him. I wanted nothing more than to snuggle right into him that very second, but I held myself back.

“Are you dating someone else, T?” he asked quietly, ready to burst a blood vessel. I laughed.

“No, Justin. It's only been a week since we broke up or whatever. I don't work that fast. How about you? You seeing anyone special that we both know?” I just had to throw that in there.

He sighed and reached out to grab my hand with his warm one. “No, T. All I’ve been doing is working on the CD. We finished it,” he said excitedly, clutching my hand even tighter. “WE even figured out the name of it and everything!”

Forgetting that I was angry with him, I sat up straight. “You did? Where is it? I want to hear it all, right now,” I told him and he went over to his bag and pulled out a copy of the CD. “Here … I'll put it on,” he told me and I waited like a kid on Christmas day. They'd worked so hard on that CD by themselves with no help from a record company or anything. I knew it would be good; they’d poured their heart and soul into that CD.

It started playing and I began jumping up and down, so excited for him. Of course 'Bye, Bye, Bye' was first, which I loved.

“This is the first single, Justin told me. “See, we had this idea about us being led along like puppets by Fat Lou, and so ...” ad he told me about their puppets and the cover for their CD and even about the new video they were going to shoot soon. He even asked me if I wanted to be in the video, which of course, I declined. No need to expose my face to millions of girls. I didn't like the few of them who knew me already.

We listened to the rest of the CD with me exclaiming over each track, making comments and Justin explaining the way they did things. I was so proud and happy for them – they'd finally signed a contract with Jive, managed to keep their own name, and had this awesome product to put out.

“You guys will beat the Backstreet Boys' CD in sales the first week.,” I proclaimed and he looked a little worried.

“Do you really think so? They sold over a million in their first week,” he told me. “That's a lot of fucking records.”

I shook my head. “Doesn't matter. Your fans are insane. They're all talking about buying, like, five or six copies to make sure you beat the record on the Internet.”

He looked more hopeful. “That's what JC said,” he replied. He really needed to start surfing the Internet more. “But I don't want to get my hopes up yet.”

I pushed his shoulder. “Remember when you guys did 'Bye, Bye, Bye' at that awards show last fall? People are still freaking out over that, trying to get copies of it and everything. Your CD has some serious buzz, J. I'm really proud of you.”

He reached over and, mimicking m action, pushed my shoulder lightly. “You are?” His eyes were still hopeful.

“Yes! I may be mad at you but I would never lie about this. This CD is great.” There were one or two cuts that I didn't care for much but it was such a huge leap from their first CD that I didn't care. And I would've never told him anyway; I'd never hurt his feelings on purpose.

Just then a song with a pretty melody began playing and he looked at me. “Remember this?” he asked, grinning. I listened hard and thought back to the time he and JC had played the piano in my house.

“Is this … is this my song?” I asked excitedly, standing up, ready to jump up and down again. “You put my song on the record?”

He nodded and grinned all at once. “Yep … it's just for you,” he told me and I melted. I had forgotten all about the song with all the drama going on and here it was, so pretty and sweet. “I mean every word I wrote on it, too.” he told me.

“Shhh! Let me listen,” I told him, and sat back down on the couch where he joined me, very close. I laid my head on his shoulder and listened to the words, loving eery minute of it. The words were beautiful. All about how much he loved the girl and would always be good to her and there for her. “Do you really mean those words, J?”

“Yep,” he said quietly, taking my hand again. “Everyone one of them … they're all for you.”

The CD finally ended with us just sitting as we were, with him right up against me on the couch and my head on his shoulder. I didn't know what to do next.

My anger was gone and replaced by the same deep feelings of love that I'd always had for him. Sure, he had slept with Britney but he was right – we were on a break. Not that it was a good break, neither of us knew what the other was doing … but somehow I believed him when he said he was really drunk (which I had seen many times before_ and just ended up in that situation because he was hurt. Heck, I'd hugged and lain on Dave more times than I could count during the break and come quite close to kissing him on several occasions. Maybe it was time for me to end the stalemate and try again. Sasha and Jen would call me crazy but it was something I needed to do … I loved him, after all.

So I turned my head up to his and smiled. “Thank you, J. That's the best present I ever got/” And it was true; no one had ever written a song for me, much less put it on a CD that was going to be distributed to millions of people.

Our lips were less than an inch apart. “I love you baby … how many times do I have to tell you?” he brushed his lips against mine, making me quiver. “I'll show you over and over again if you just give me the chance. I'll love you like you've never been loved before.”

The words were like an aphrodisiac; my whole body turned how and all I wanted was for him to kiss me. So I reached up and pulled his lips down towards me for a blinding, searing kiss that left both of us breathless.

“Does this mean we're back together?” he asked, sliding his arm around me and pulling me onto his lap where I could feel his hardness against me.

I smiled. “Yes, you doofus,” I laughed. “I think so … as long as you never give me caused to worry about you and … anyone else.”

“You won't have to worry,” he said seriously, his eyes turning that dark midnight blue that they did whenever he was feeling passionate. And boy, was he feeling passionate at that moment. “There's no one for me but you, T.” He brought his lips back to mine and we kissed and kissed until the whole world got fuzzy and I almost forgot where I was. When I felt his hands slipping underneath my t-shirt, I finally came back to life.

“Not her ...” I whispered. “Upstairs. Mike's here, remember?” He groaned ans stood up, then pulled me up against him for some more kissing.

“God, I missed you,” he whispered against my lips. “Don't ever leave me again, okay? Promise me, Tara.”

“Don't ever give me a reason to,” I said more realistically. I had learned with Justin to keep one foot firmly planed on the ground. No more head in the clouds Tara.

He turned around and bent over. “What're you doing? I asked, laughing. He was so silly.

“Hop on, you know the drill,” he answered, making me laugh harder. But I climbed on and let him take me upstairs to my Heavenly Bed.

And then he took me to heaven in a whole different way. Sliding my clothes off, he lay me down on the bed to watch as he undressed quickly. Then he joined me and our warm bodies slid together in a way that they hadn't in too long of a time. He kissed me, every inch of me like he wanted to memorize my body. I had no problem with that, and did a little memorizing myself. Finally it was too much; I pulled him up to me and whispered, “Now, Justin.”

“Is everything okay with the pill?” he asked me just before he slip inside of me.

I nodded and pulled him into me, closing my eyes in ecstasy as he did the same. We instinctively moved together as one, completely in unison as if the breakup had never happened.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear as I came over and over again.

“I love you, too,” I whispered back as I waited for his release. When it came he buried his head in my neck and wrapped his arms around me as tightly as he could, not wanting to let one inch of me go. I could understand that.

Unlike Lauryn Hill's song, I wasn't ready to let go of him either.