Strange Relationship

Chapter 2

"Breathe in the smell, girls," Aurora instructed us. Jen and I rolled our eyes and snickered, but Sash actually went along with her weird plans. I told you she secretly believed in all of that crap. "Let the scent relax you, let your muscles loosen and just … feel. Just be," she waved the incense stick she was holding around us so we’d get to smell more of whatever scent she’d decided would help me the most.

Aurora was a woman on a mission. That’s great – everybody should have a mission in life. Only her mission in life was to make me happy and so far nothing she did seemed to work. Secretly I had to admit that she was making me feel a little better – just the effort she put into trying to make me feel better had a great effect on me. But the majority of me was still morose and didn’t want to climb up out of the bottomless pit of misery I’d descended into.

"Mom," Jen complained, "we’re trying to watch a movie here. Could you do this later, like when we’re sleeping or something?"

Never had a mother and daughter been so dissimilar before. Jen was level, practical, always did the right thing, followed the rules and was very much mainstream. She was nothing like Aurora who dressed like a funky hippie and looked younger than her daughter half the time. Whenever we went anywhere people asked if they were twins and Jen would get so mad! But she really loved her mom. I think Jen was more of the adult in the house that her mom sometimes.

Aurora shushed her. "This is just to relax you a little; you can pause the movie, you know," she frowned at her youngest child. "Besides, it’s always better to communicate than to stare at some little box with people doing stupid things on it. Why don’t we all sit and chat for awhile instead of sitting here like idiots staring at the boob tube?"

Jen shook her head. "The boob tube? Mom, c’mon … you’re embarrassing me. Go away!" She reached a leg out and pushed at her softly, not meaning to hurt her at all but trying to make a point.

The point wasn’t taken.

"Sit here," Sasha scooted over and patted a cushion for Aurora to sit on and Jen shot daggers at her with her eyes. I just tried not to laugh at the scene before me. It doesn’t sound funny but it was like a re-enactment of my entire life. Every Saturday night was spent at one of our homes and usually we spent it at Jen’s because she believed in letting kids be ‘free’ which meant we could eat anything we wanted, watch all the bad movies we wanted (except for porn) and generally act like maniacs. To sum it up, if we’d acted like that at mine or Sash’s houses, we would’ve been beaten within an inch of our lives. Funny though, Jen liked our houses better. She hated when we’d pick her house to stay over and we loved it. It’s all so strange, how the way you grow up shapes you and the things you like. She craved structure and calmness while Sasha and I craved chaos.

Aurora finished waving her incense stick around then sat down on the living room floor with us. We had huddled down for the night, loaded up with chips, cupcakes, ice cream and soda – and tons of chick flicks and the entire floor was covered with magazines, socks, pieces of clothing, all kinds of junk and we’d only been there a few hours. Aurora settled herself on one of the huge throw pillows we’d stolen from her bedroom and if you’d walked in and saw us you might’ve thought, at the most, that she was our older sister. I hope I age like her, man.

"Don’t any of you think I’m right? That talking is more fun? We could ask each other questions, make each other laugh … we’ll get way more out of that than watching this," she pointed at the screen, then she stopped. "Wait a minute, who is that?" she asked in disbelief, gazing at the screen in shock. None of us even had to think twice about whom she was thinking about.

"That’s Ryan Phillippe," Jen said dreamily, stars practically shooting from her eyes. "One day I’m going to find that man, I swear," she said softly, completely lost in a dream world. She’s so adorable.

I could so relate how she felt at that moment and it made me sad all at once. And of course Aurora saw it immediately.

"Why does that make you sad, honey? Does it make you think about him?" About the only thing she didn’t dabble in was being a psychic but at this rate I was thinking she should consider that career option. That woman knew every thought that went through my brain.

Suddenly everyone’s attention was on me, even Jen’s, as they waited for me to answer the question I’d been avoiding since he called. I hadn’t told them that he called – it had only been a few days before – but I knew I couldn’t lie in their faces.

"He called me," I said simply, just letting it out into the open. "The other day, when I … got it … done. He called me."

To my surprise, no one got up or said anything or did anything other than stare at me.

So damn nosy.

When I didn’t say anything on purpose just to bother them, Jen broke. "Well? What happened? Why didn’t you tell us this before, Tara? That’s just wrong," she crossed her arms over her chest, all indignant. Jen has a complex about being left out of things because her brother and sister kept secrets from her all the time and treated her like the ‘baby’ in the family.

I slung an arm around her shoulders, not to comfort her but more to comfort myself – and said something else. "Do you wanna bitch at me or hear about the conversation? It’s up to you," I told her and then I waited for the inevitable sigh, then the slump from her rigid position.

"Okay, whatever. Just tell us!" Sasha interrupted, clearly not wanting to play any games. "And I’m gonna kick your ass for not telling me he called in the first fucking place, don’t think I’ll forget, either," she warned.

I sighed. Thinking about the conversation with him made me feel sadder and more alone than ever, even when I was surrounded by three women who loved and would do just about anything in the world for me. I still missed Justin love. "Well." I began, "it started off good. …"

And I poured out my heart once again on the floor for everyone to see.

"Mike didn’t tell him? He knew you were going that day, that fucker!" Sasha fumed and I gave her a half-hearted grin.

"Sash, Mike works for Justin. He can only be up in his personal business so much, you know? If he gets involved with all this it’ll compromise his job. I’m glad he didn’t tell Justin; that’s not his job as a friend or as a bodyguard."

Jen jumped in, "That’s true, you know. But Justin should’ve at least called to see how or what you’re doing instead of getting drunk having "Tara Doesn’t Exist" parties," she said sourly, rolling her eyes. Where she had once been a huge supporter of me and Justin’s relationship, things had changed since Florida. She wasn’t so sure that he was a good thing for me anymore and neither was I, I’m sure you already know how happy Sasha was about the breakup, she practically did a song and dance about it once a day.

Sasha swallowed some Coke. "And you were surprised by this immature behavior? I could see it coming, I told you months and months ago how he would fuck this up and my girl would end up hurt. Didn’t I? Remember? I said…"

When she got into those moods and started her blabbing, I zoned out and went somewhere else in my head. Sometimes it was when I was still pregnant; sometimes it was when I’d never been pregnant at all; and sometimes I had the most beautiful little baby with me. In all of the daydreams, though, Justin was with me. We were together and stronger than ever and everything was so perfect. In my daydreams we made things work somehow; neither of us gave up.

I’m not like Justin. I’m not a fighter by nature. I was fighting for our relationship, though, at the expense of the baby and you may say that was wrong and maybe it is. Who knows? But more than that, I was fighting for his future and mine. Neither of us was mature or stable enough to have a baby yet, that's easy to see. So I did what I thought and think was the right thing to do.

And all I was left with to console me were my daydreams.

Oh, I kept myself busy – in fact, I’d even started working again. Remember that job that Sash said was way too hard to do? It was teaching dance part-time at the old school we went to. We dropped by one day, something we’d do from time to time because practically lived there growing up, and they told they were selling it. Something about the owner -- who we don’t know because she was always pretty hands-off -- wanting to unload it. So everyone was complaining about already being short-staffed and now having to find a new job and so on and do forth and well, Sasha really listened to them and did something about it,

That night I ate dinner at her house and she told her dad that he should buy the studio and we would run it. After the rest of stopped choking on our food and spitting beverages across the room, we settled down to a dull roar and listened to her and do you know what? She actually made some sense, believe it or not.

She talked about her degree coupled with the fact that both of us had continued with our dance classes well into college and are qualified enough already to teach. She said she had extraordinary management skills and would have no problem keeping things running smoothly while I could work the administrative stuff because I’ve always liked to that sort of thing. Then JJ ruined it by mentioning how I used make him play Office with him when we were little and I looked like a fool but they got over it fairly soon.

After her long spiel, Mr. Evans actually looked interested. I think the part that got him was when Sasha pointed out that she’d be working long hours sometimes until we got the staff together and whatnot. When she said that he sat up straight and his eyes got all bright. A few days later, a few meetings later with Mr. Evans where he basically told Sasha that he’d kill her if she screwed this up, she got it. The whole canoodle, lock, stock and barrel.

Sasha’s School of Dance was now in session.

Sash had to make a million promises to Mr. Evans but I was just helping, thank God. No way was Sash going to be my boss and I knew that would be her power trip. In the beginning everyone assumed that I would run it equally with Sash but I didn’t want to make that type of time commitment yet, you know? Call me crazy but … what if Justin needed me?

Because I still needed him.

I know Sasha suspected it but she never said anything thank God. I knew things were over but a small part of me still hope that maybe one day we’d be okay again, as he liked to say so much. "We’ll be okay, T."

As Sasha and Jen talked more about how awful things were between Justin and me, I found myself really leaning onto Jen’s shoulder, growing sadder and sadder. I glanced over at Aurora and she was smiling sympathetically at me and I knew that she knew exactly what I was doing.

Missing my Justin love.

I didn’t want anyone to know though, and she must’ve sensed it because she broke the ice to take the attention away from me. "Is this what you guys do when you talk to each other? Forget it, this is for the birds! Turn that movie back on so I can some more that hot kid!" Aurora poked Sasha to turn the DVD back on to "Cruel Intentions", pretending that was drooling over Ryan Phillippe. Well, maybe not completely pretending, but you know what I mean.

Pretty soon we were all immersed in a sea of Ryan, chocolate, and soda until we passed out on the floor in various positions around two or three in the morning.

Well, almost everyone did. I hadn’t been sleepy at all; in fact I wired, almost. I wanted to see Justin and seeing Ryan Phillippe didn’t help – have you ever seen how much alike those two look? So I played along all night and stayed quiet, cuddled up against Jen. I’m a cuddler. Sasha will let me lean on her when no one’s around but Jen is very affectionate like me, so she has no problem with me lying in her lap while she braids my hair or something. By doing that I managed to avoid calling attention to my sadness since we were all silently drooling over his hotness.

But soon everyone, including Aurora, was knocked out and I slipped out from underneath the tangle of legs and arms around me, tiptoed over to my purse and grabbed my cell phone. With my heart beating so loudly in my ears that I was sure the entire house could hear it, I sneaked into the kitchen and sat on the little couch there. Pausing for moment, I took a deep breath. Did I really want to do this? Did I really want anymore pain? Did I really want to live my life without Justin?

That did it.

It was so easy, just took three buttons to reach his cell, the one I know he always has with him. I never took him off of speed dial because … well, just because. So yeah. The phone rings, I almost hurl all over the stairs, and then it kicks right into his voicemail.

"Hey, it’s me. Leave a message and I might call you back. Ha ha."

Beep.

"Umm … hi Justin … it’s me, Tara … I was just calling because" and my throat got all clogged and tears were burning my eyes, "I missed you and I wanted to see if…" I paused to take a big sniff and to wipe at my eyes, "we could try those things you said because … because …I need you Justin, just as much as you need me. So … could we try? Something? God I’m such a sucker but I love you and fuck what anybody thinks. I love Justin. Come back to me. I need you, okay?…. Okay … Bye."

I clicked the phone shut and buried my head in my hands, crying hysterically. I thought I was alone but suddenly Aurora’s arms were around me, holding me and rocking me soothingly. It felt almost as good as how my mommy used to do. We sat there for at least ten minutes until I calmed down, shaking a little but much better than before.

"You okay, honey," she asked softly, smoothing my hair back from my forehead and I nodded.

"Yeah, I guess I am," I said tiredly. "I just need him, Aurora. I can’t be without him; I feel like it’s killing me or something, do you know what I mean? I don’t know why but I had to try again … am I wrong?"

She shook her head and laugh a little. "Honey, all is fair in love in war. People think that’s some kind of cliche but it’s not; it’s the truth. If you feel that strongly about him and he feels that strongly about you, then there is definitely still something there. Exactly what that something is, I don’t know, it could be good or bad … but it’s there. If your heart is telling you to go after him, to not let him go yet, then you know what I say to that, right?"

Sleepily, I murmured the thing she’d told us girls since we were in diapers practically. "Follow your heart and you’ll never go wrong."

She squeezed me tightly, kissing me on the cheek. "You know you’re such a special girl, don’t you? My special girl … don’t you worry about a thing. I have a strong feeling that things will work out for you one way or another, with Justin or without him."

Her words gave me great comfort but they weren’t exactly what I wanted to hear. "Without Justin? I don’t want to be without Justin, Aurora," I protested.

Mysteriously, she only said, "Sometimes the people you think are the best for you can hurt you the most … whether that means they’re the right person for you or not is debatable. You and Justin seem to have the ability to hurt each other effortlessly, and equally. Is it good to give someone that much power over you?"

"But our love is the same way, too!" I tried to explain that it wasn’t all bad with us but she cut me off.

"I know that, Tara," she said, still smoothing my hair. "I just wonder about a love that is so strong it can turn into such feelings of anger. You know how they say it’s a thin line? You guys are the damn line as far as I can tell. So you follow your heart and listen carefully because your heart will not only tell you when things are good, it’ll tell you when things are bad, too. Okay, honey bunch?"

"Okay," I answered, yawning. All of the activity in the last fifteen or so minutes had left me exhausted – that and the fact that it was nearing 4 AM. We arranged ourselves on the sofa and began to drift off, me still in her embrace. "Aurora?"

"Yes. Honey?"

"Do you think he’ll call me back?" I really didn’t know. I really, really wasn’t sure what Justin felt about me anymore, everything was so mixed up and crazy.

But Aurora knew. "Oh yeah, he’ll call you back," she told me. "You guys aren’t finished with each other by a long-shot. Now shut up and go to sleep."

Any other time I would’ve pouted or kept talking just to annoy the person but I was tired. And I could get back to that safe place where I could daydream and didn’t have a broken heart.

I wish I’d paid more attention to what Aurora said, though, and us not being through with each other. If I’d known what I know now, I would’ve grilled her forever, hoping for some insight about the second maelstrom that Justin and I were about to encounter.