“You can’t slow down now girl.” Trace laughs in my face and motions the waitress closer with her tray full of shots. “You’re on a roll!”
I look at Eva. She’s laughing, hanging all over him, obviously drunk, and I know I’m alone in my battle to stay sober. I really...I really don’t want to get stupid drunk, because I’m a light weight, and Justin Timberlake is sitting here at our table. It’s like a fucking dream and if I throw up on him, I think I’ll jump off a bridge or something.
My parents totally wouldn’t approve of this.
But it’s like Eva said, they’re in Gaza.
They don’t care if I’m spending holiday after holiday without them.
I take a shot to rid my mind of them, and then another. Eva and Trace cheer me on while they continue to drink themselves into a stupor.
Justin continues to sit there with the same beer he’s been drinking for the past hour, focused only on his phone, oblivious to the party going on around him.
Watching him on stage tonight made think back to when he was still making music. It seemed to turn his mood right around when he took the stage and the crowd started screaming for him. That arrogant jerk had vanished. Justin was smiling, doing what he loved, completely immersed in the love the crowd was giving him as he sat there singing and playing the piano. He gave them that love right back. Trace had taken Eva and I up in front of the front row barrier, so we could watch the show, and I...I hate to admit this, but I was lost in him as he performed too. It turned me back into that naive fifteen year old, sitting on Eva’s living room floor, watching with wide eyes as Justin danced around the stage with NSYNC.
It was like magic, and I know what he does is what he was always meant to do.
It just makes me sad to think that once the lights go down, this is how he is. It makes me wonder if he’s always been this way, or if it’s just a recent thing.
I mean, he has so much.
But I know that sometimes it doesn’t matter how much you have. You can still be bitter and miserable. It’s like my parents. They have so much knowledge, wonderful careers, and they’re probably the most miserable people I know. I don’t know how I haven’t followed in their footsteps. It must be Eva. She’s kept me from going off the deep end, because I never amounted to the person my parents always thought I would be. I’m no scientist or genius. I’m clumsy when it comes to tools and ancient artifacts, and I’m horrible with science and math. I majored in hospitality and tourism when I went to UCLA, and my parents told me I had wasted their money when I graduated. Sometimes I think I might have been switched at birth, but take it back when I look at my mother. We look exactly alike.
I just didn’t turn out the right way, and it’s why they don’t come home to see me anymore. I’m their only child, a disgrace, and I’m sure they’re trying to forget about me now that I’m grown. Although, they don’t hesitate to call me at least once a week so they can tell me how to act and live my life. Eva hates it. I just put up with it, because they still put money in my pockets while I try to find a good job in my field. I know it’s pity money. In their eyes, I’m dumb as shit, so they feel obligated to provide for me. They don’t even know I’m still working at the Staples Center. I’ve had that job since I was in high school, but in order for me to keep it, I had to convince them I found clerical work once I graduated. They would never accept it otherwise. They think any type of music other than classical, is nonsense.
Eva’s family accepts me. My parents started getting a lot of highly publicized work my sophomore year of high school, and when Eva asked her dad if I could stay with them rather than live on some archeological dig site, he didn’t hesitate to welcome me into their home. Eva has always been wild, and when her parents got divorced freshman year, she started doing a lot of things her father didn’t approve of. He’s away on business a lot, runs a prominent business that takes him across the country, leaving his daughter to fend for herself since her mother moved to Memphis after the divorce. I guess having me at the house with her, gave him peace of mind. He’s always said that I’m a ‘positive influence’ on Eva, and his favorite out of all her friends.
Why he seems to think more highly of me than my parents do, I’ll never know. But I’m grateful to have some kind of family, even if it’s not the most traditional one.
This year, Eva has decided to spend Christmas with her mother. When she asked me to come to Memphis with her, I didn’t hesitate, because it’s been a few years since I’ve seen her mom, and I’d like to catch up. Eva’s mother is one of those free spirits. She loves being sporadic, just like her daughter, and I guess it’s one of the biggest reasons why Eva’s parents got divorced. Her mother got tired of being “tied down,” I guess, and while it was really hard on Eva, her mother always made sure they stayed closed through phone calls, letters, and occasional visits. We’ve decided to be a little bit bold this holiday season, and drive down rather than fly. It’ll be fun getting to see different places and meet new people on the way.
I think it’ll be a really great way for us to bond, just the two of us with nothing but the open road ahead of us for a couple of days. Eva says she might be considering moving closer to her mother too, and spending Christmas and New Years in Memphis will seal the deal for her, show her how life would be if she decided to go through with it. I’ve warned her to take her time before she makes the decision to move, though. While I love Megan, she’s not the most responsible person, and has the tendency to disappoint her daughter. I think that’s half the reason I’m making the trip with her, so I can protect her.
Like she’s always protected me.
“We’re gonna go dance!” Eva cackles wildly in my ear as Trace pulls her to her feet. “Will you be okay here with Mr. Sunshine?
“Uh...” I glance back at Justin. He hasn’t moved from his position. “Yeah! I guess!”
“Here!” She smiles and thrusts a bottle of Jack Daniels in my face. “Drink well!”
Then she’s gone, vanished into the dark night club with only the guidance of Trace to keep her safe.
He better not be as drunk as she is.
Instead of drinking the liquor I’ve been handed, I only stare at the label on the bottle, trying to somehow make sense of all this. I mean, it’s fucking weird. I’m trying not to let my feelings shine through, like I have been all night, but...it’s hard. I mean, Jesus, it’s Justin. He’s sitting here with me. I’ve lusted after this man for years, and when I was younger, envisioned what would take place if I ever met him.
This is so not what I thought it would be like.
“You gonna drink it or stare at it!” Justin yells over the music when he finally sits up and stares back at me.
I put the bottle down.
He takes it and pours himself a glass, straight up, no ice.
What a jerk. If it wasn’t so loud in here, I think I’d put him in his place.
Yeah, sure I would.
He drinks the whole glass in two swallows, and sucks in a breath, before looking back at me again. “You wanna go dance?”
I glance around slightly. Is he talking to me? “What?”
“Dance!”
“I...”
“Just come on! I’m fucking bored!”
He yanks me to my feet and begins to drag me out to the dance floor with him.
Oh my God, I can’t do this. Not with him. I’m the biggest klutz, have two left feet, and he’ll regret doing this with me after the first five minutes. “I can’t dance!” I yell at him, as we finally stop in the middle of the mass of drunken people on the dance floor. I try to spot Trace and Eva, but it’s impossible. The crowd is too thick.
“Just fake it! There’s barely any room as it is!” He reaches into his pocket and retrieves something, before popping it in his mouth.
The only thing I can guess is that it’s some type of drug.
But he’d have to be on drugs to want to dance with me.
I’m forced to forget about it for the moment though, because he just put his hands on my waist. He smilies slightly after I allow it, and tugs me close to him, immediately starting to move with the music. I get lost, I can’t think about anything else other than those blue eyes and gorgeous smile of his. They’re the same ones I’ve always loved, even now that the years have passed. He may have gotten older but those two things have never lost their luster and beauty.
“Shit!”
And now I’ve stepped on his foot. Way to kill the moment, Dara.
“Sorry! I told you!”
He shakes his head a little. “Don’t think so much about what you’re doing! Just dance!”
“How am I not supposed to think!”
“You worry too much!”
He’s right.
“Here! Take this!”
He hands me whatever he took out of his pocket before and I close my hand around it. It’s a pill, but I’m not stupid. “I’m good!”
He stares at me. “It’ll fix you up!”
“I can fix myself, thanks!”
I’m disgusted. So disgusted that I forget who he is. All I want to do is get away from him, so I back away and move out of the crowd, never more thankful when I get back to our table. I guzzle some water, grab my purse and jacket, and decide to high tail it out of here. I know Eva can take care of herself, and I’ll fill her in about all of this tomorrow.
I leave the club, and walk down the block a little ways, before finally leaning against the wall of a building so I can catch my breath. I’m a little drunk, but can still think straight enough to pull out my phone and call a taxi. I find that I have about eight missed calls too. They’re all from my boss, Patrick, and I know I’m as good as fired. He’s not going to care that I spent my evening with Justin Timberlake, only that my spot was empty tonight.
But it doesn’t matter. I can get a job like that one anywhere.
I pull up the cab number that I keep stored in my phone, and make the call. They tell me thirty minutes, and I sigh but agree to wait. Great. Just great.
“Why’d you run out on me?”
I gasp, and look to my left. I know it’s Justin, even though his hood is pulled over his head and the sunglasses are covering his eyes. He doesn’t want the mass of people outside the club to recognize him, and I can understand why. “Because I don’t...do that kind of stuff.”
“It’s just some Ex. Relax. We are in LA, you know.”
“That’s a great thing to chase with whiskey.” I let out a bitter laugh as I lean back against the building again. “Aren’t you afraid of fucking up your body?”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
He’s next to me now, leaning against the wall too, gazing out into the empty street. I know he’s a liar. He’s afraid of a lot of things, and the only thing I can focus on at the moment is the fact that I know he’s lonely. If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have followed me out here. It’s obvious that Trace is his best friend, but Trace is the type that won’t allow himself to be completely miserable. He finds joy in whatever is going on around him, while Justin tends to let himself sink deeper and deeper into depression when things start to rub him the wrong way.
“Everybody is afraid of something.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“That’s kind of a personal question, considering you don’t know me.”
“Well, I’m sure you know everything about me,” he scoffs. “And we’ve never met before tonight. How is that fair?”
I roll my eyes. He knows I’m a fan. Well, at least...I used to be. Meeting and hanging out with him has slapped me with the cold reality of the kind of person he really is, and after tonight, I’ll go home and toss out every piece of Justin memorabilia that I’ve saved over the years. He’s just not worth it. Sure, he’s talented, but underneath all that he’s nothing more than a lonely, pathetic, drone of Hollywood who drinks and pops pills to keep his head above ground. Definitely not the type of person I want to associate myself with. I may not be a genius like my parents intended, but I’m not dumb either. “You put yourself in the spotlight. Live with it.”
“You’re really this straight edge?”
“It’s my epic flaw.”
He laughs out loud.
God, he has the hottest laugh. It sucks. I just want him to go away.
“I’m scared of horses,” he tells me. “Satisfied?”
I stare at him strangely. It must be the drugs. Yeah. “Why?”
“I fell off of one once, years ago.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and sighs. “We were shooting a video down in the Cayman’s, and I had to ride this big white horse up and down the beach. It got spooked and reared up on me. I fell right off, and broke my arm. I won’t go near them, to this day. Trace hates it, he’s obsessed with them, has a stable in his back yard. I refuse to go out there with him when I visit.”
“That’s a legitimate fear,” I nod.
“Yeah. So now you know that too.”
Fuck this is so weird. Am I dreaming? No, I can’t be. Feeling his hands on my body was entirely too real.
“It’s your turn, Dara.”
He remembers my name. Either, he has a really great memory or he’s actually been paying attention tonight. I feel like it’s a damn miracle but...the more I think about it, the more I know that there’s more to him than what I’ve seen. Maybe...maybe I formed my opinions about him too quickly. Outside of all the Hollywood hype, the albums, and tours, he’s just a guy. I’m starting to see that now. The person who is on the outside of the fame. The one that just wants to live his life like the rest of humanity. “I’m scared of the dark. Not like, going to bed darkness, but pitch black dark. The kind where you can’t see your hands in front of your face.”
He doesn’t say anything. It tells me he’s waiting to hear my story. The cab isn’t here yet, so I decide to tell him. Why not? The night can’t get much more awkward. “My parents are archeological scientists, and when I was young, I would travel all over the world with them. Once they had a dig in Africa, near some caves. I was about seven years old. I went exploring, and got lost in one of them. Some rocks had caved in and I was trapped in there. It took the crew almost a full day to get me out.”
“At least you got out. Your parents must have been relieved.”
“Actually, they were pissed,” I laugh.
“What do you mean?”r32;
“I threw them off their dig for a day. They lost time that they still needed and had to pay for. They probably would have rather I stayed lost so they could keep working.”
“I’m sure that’s not true.”
“You don’t know them.” I look at him and smile. “I’m not making it up.”
He’s silent. This is why I don’t talk about them much at all, with anybody, and I have no idea why he’s the one I’ve chosen to do it with.
“My mom is more of a friend,” he finally says. “It’s always been that way but...I guess now that I’m older, I wish things were a little different. I love her. She’s everything to me, you know? She’s done everything for me, since I can remember. But I just wish that sometimes...she could be more like a parent, if that makes sense. When you’re thirty and your mom wants to smoke weed with you and your friends, it’s awkward.”
“I get it.”
“You probably just think it’s part of living this lifestyle. Everybody else seems to. We’re not the same people we were when I was eight years old. When NSYNC made it, we all changed. I was oblivious to it for years, because I wanted to be. But lately, I’ve been trying to remember who she was before all of this...who I was.”
“You’re quick to assume what I think.” I don’t look at him, only at the ground. This conversation is going in so many different directions. I keep telling myself its the drugs and whiskey that are making him do this but...something inside is telling me that he hasn’t had more than he usually does, and that his emotions are real right now, even though he’s here with me, a complete stranger, and a fan to top it off. “I’m not into weed, but I think if my mom wanted to smoke up with Eva, I’d get freaked out too.”
“You know, you’re the first person that’s agreed with me,” he laughs. “Fuckin’ crazy.”
“Yeah.”
Silence.
“So, what are you doing for the holiday?” He asks, in an attempt to keep our conversation flowing.
I have no idea why he cares. After tonight, I’m positive we’ll never see each other again.
“Eva’s mom lives in Memphis. We’re driving there to see her.”
“No shit, really?” He laughs. “Trace and I are driving to Memphis, sort of like a guys only road trip. We’re gonna stop and drink and sleep in crappy motels. I hope they have bugs and burn marks on the mattresses.”
“You’re such a weirdo.”
“I just want to live like the masses.”
“You think the masses like sleeping in bug infested rooms with dirty mattresses?”
“I dunno. I figure the grittier it is, the less I’ll feel like a Hollywood super star. I’m sick of it, you know? There’s no privacy, and since I’m a private person, I’m going nuts half the time. I get followed everywhere I go by the paparazzi. I do my best to tolerate it, but it gets annoying after the tenth time in a day, you know?”
“I guess I never really thought about it.”
“It sucks.”
“Yeah, but if that’s your biggest problem, I don’t feel sorry for you.”
He stares at me, glaring, like I’ve pissed him off. I really couldn’t give a shit though. He’s a rich, spoiled, pampered celebrity. There’s more to the world than his life, and I wonder if he realizes just how good he has it. I guess this is what happens when you get rich at such a young age, have people kissing your ass from the moment you turn fifteen years old. He’s thirty now. That’s fifteen years of ass kissing and listening to people tell him he’s a musical god, the hottest man alive, this and that.
“You’re awfully blunt.”
I shrug. “I’m just honest.”
“You’re a fan. You had an opinion about me before we started this conversation.”
“Correction, was a fan. Now I’m just some girl who knows what an asshole you can be.”
He doesn’t push back. He just laughs.
What’s going on?
A horn blares loudly, snapping us both out of the conversation. I look up, and see the large black SUV that brought us here parked in the middle of the street. His burly body guard is at the wheel, glaring at us, and I can tell how pissed he is at Justin.
“What the fuck are you doin’ J? You’re supposed to tell me when you go on one of your little adventures.”
He groans. “I’m home, Eric. Lay off.”
“I don’t care if you’re home. You’re in public tonight, and you know I have a job to do. Now get in the fuckin car before I drag your ass into it.”
I guess this is also what comes with living his lifestyle. I think that part might get to me, not being able to walk down the street in my own hometown. We’re in West Hollywood, and I know Justin doesn’t live too far away. I’m sure he must drive around here on his own every day, but since he had a show tonight, it’s his bodyguard’s job to keep a watchful eye on him like he’s five years old.
The back window rolls down. I see Trace grinning from ear to ear, while Eva leans against his chest, passed out cold in his arms. “Yeah J, get in the car like a little bitch, before Eric calls your momma.”
“Fuck you. Little asshole.” He pulls the hood off of his head and removes the sunglasses before walking forward.
I just stand there, paralyzed. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I’m almost positive his bodyguard isn’t going to be dropping Eva and I off at our point of origin. The solution? Sleeping at...Justin’s house...
Oh God. This is getting way out of hand. What can I do though? My car is at the arena. the arena is miles and miles away, and Eva is too drunk to do anything. She needs to sleep, and I’m not about to leave her at the mercy of these two.
“You comin?” Justin looks back at me when Trace pushes the door open for him.
“I...I can cab it. My car is at the Staples Center.”
“No.” He laughs and shakes his head. “I’m fucked up right now, but I know enough not to leave a woman standing on the street in the middle of the night. The freaks are gonna come out soon. It’s not safe here. I’ll make sure you get where you need to be in the morning.”
He’s so strange. One minute he’ll be this cocky arrogant asshole, and the next he’ll act like a perfect gentleman. He has values, the kind that I always imagined he had from reading interviews and articles. His mother raised him the right way, only sometimes the business tends to take over him, especially when he’s working. Going back to his routes for the holidays will be good for him. He needs it, more than anybody, and maybe when he comes back, he’ll think a little bit harder about how he should treat people.
At least, I hope so.
“Dara!” Trace yells out the window, once Justin is safely inside the car. “Come on, get in!”
I do it.
**************
“Bumble beeeeeeee...tuna!”
I roll my eyes and fluff the pillow before putting it down on the bed again. “Lay down.”
She giggles, and flops down onto the bed. “I love you, Dee.”
I pull the comforter over her and ensure that she’s comfortable. “Are you sure you’re not going to throw up again? This is a nice bedroom, and the bedding seems expensive, so you have to tell me.”
“I know how my body is,” she says as her eyes begin to close. “I’m not sicky.”
I roll my eyes. “Fine, but if you do get ‘sicky’, you’re going to take it up with Justin in the morning.”
She giggles again. “We’re at JT’s house.”
r32;“Could you not?”
“This is funny. You should try to get him naked or something.”
I hear laughter coming from the doorway.
It’s him. I know it’s him.
“Goodnight, Eva.” I feel my face burning as I walk to the doorway. Sure enough, Justin is leaning against the wall right outside of it, laughing his ass off at my best friend’s drunken comments.
As if this situation wasn’t awkward enough.
I flick off the light as Eva continues to cackle, and yank the door closed behind me.
Now it’s only me, and a smiling Justin. Trace is somewhere in the house taking a shower. He didn’t get sick, but Eva managed to vomit all over him as we were getting out of the SUV a couple of hours ago. I had to drag her into one of Justin’s bathrooms and spray her down. What a great first impression.
“She’s hilarious,” he grins.
He’s in flannel pajamas right now. The pocket on his top has a little embroidered JT with a Christmas tree directly underneath it. Fucking adorable. I hate that I’m thinking this way right now. It’s something out of a dream, being here in this hallway, in the middle of his big fucking house, as he stands here in his jammies, laughing at my drunk of a best friend. “She’s drunk.” I roll my eyes. “I hate when she gets this way. I’m always cleaning up after her.”
“I’ve had my share of nights like this with Trace. It’s just the way they are.”
“I guess.”
“Here.” He hands me another pair of flannel pj’s. “They’ll be big but I didn’t want you to sleep in those clothes.”
I take them. “Thanks. I’m sorry you have to put us up for the night.”
He shrugs. “It’s a big house, and you haven’t jumped on me yet, so I’m sure I’ll be fine. Unless you were going to take Eva up on that whole getting me naked idea.”
“No...” I look down at the floor in an attempt to hide my smile from him. “No, I’m okay with that.”
“Thought so. Oh, and...I’m sorry if I was a dick early on.”
I manage to look back up at him after a moment. I can tell he means it, that he only puts on that tough exterior for people because he wants them to be intimidated. Standing with him right now is showing me the genuine side of him. The side he rarely shows to anybody else but his very close friends. I don’t get why he’s doing it for me. He doesn’t know me, and I know that he’s a private person. “You didn’t know me.”
“Yeah but...I was an asshole. I have a tendency to be one, and I guess I was pissed off before I even got to the venue today. I took it out on you and I shouldn’t have.”
“Agreed.”
He laughs a little more. “So is your boyfriend going to worry about you tonight?”
I raise an eyebrow. Really? Is he pulling this right now? It’s so pathetic. I mean, that’s the one thing a guy can say to a girl that lets her know he’s somewhat interested.
But that means that Justin is interested in my love life.
No. It’s still the alcohol running things. I’m certain of it. “If I had a boyfriend, he might.”
“Oh...” He laughs slightly and scratches his head. “Well, at least I won’t go to bed with a guilty conscience.”
“Guess not.” I smirk slightly and walk past him. I’ve been designated to the bedroom two doors down from Dara’s, and I can’t wait to lay down and forget about tonight. Although, in the morning, the awkwardness will resume.
“You goin’ to bed then?”
I push the door open, and glance back at him. He’s standing there, his eyes curious, his expression full of questions meant only for me. I don’t get it, but I don’t get most things that have happened tonight. It’s uncanny. The chances of something like this happening are one in a billion, but yet, here I am, with one of the biggest superstars in the world, who right now seems to want nothing more than to talk to me.
It’s like we’re friends.
I guess I should stop viewing him as some kind of messiah now. He’s Justin. Just Justin, and nothing more. He needs that. He needs somebody like me to treat him that way, more than anything in the world. “It is three in the morning,” I smile.
“Yeah,” he smirks slightly. “Well, I’ll be downstairs if you need something.”
“How are you not tired?”
“The show. Performing keeps me wired all night.”
“Oh.”
Now I feel guilty.
“It’s fine. I’ll just bug the crap out of Trace. Get some sleep.”
“All right.”
He smiles at me one more time before retreating back down the hallway. Then he’s gone. This house is so massive that I wouldn’t be able to hear him if he called out for me.
But it’s better this way.
I finally walk into the bedroom, and change into the pajamas. It’s like he told me, they’re too big, but I don’t even care. They smell like him. It’s a clean, fresh scent, mixed with a sweet muskiness. I close my eyes and breathe him in.
Psycho. That’s so psycho. I gotta stop.
But I can’t stop. As sick as it is, I feel comforted by that scent. It’s warming me inside, relaxing me enough so I can lay down in the comfortable bed. I stare up at the ceiling for a long time, recalling the events of tonight. It’s been unbelievable, an experience of a lifetime, and now that I know him a little bit more I don’t want to lose him. I...I think I might like being his friend.
He seems to need my friendship too, but then again, I could be jumping the gun. I shouldn’t expect anything from him after tonight except a ride home. He’ll go back to his life after that, forget all about me, and Eva too. Years from now, he might reminisce with Trace, talk about the time those crazy girls made their way backstage to hang out with the two of them, but that will be it. I’ll never matter to him. I’ll always be a fan, no matter what I say.
And I can’t let that upset me.
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