December 22, 2011

“I just don’t understand why we can’t talk about this.  I mean, I’m looking past the bad shit and the things that were said.  You should do the same.”

I sigh, rub my eyes as I stare down into my bowl of cereal.  She’s been pulling this shit for a week, and right now, she’s pushing the hardest she ever has.  My mother got to her, convinced her that our relationship was special and that sometimes I just get “confused.”  Maybe I do, but when it comes to Jessica Biel, everything is crystal fucking clear.

I can’t be with her.  Not anymore.

I tried to get my point across at the club last night.  We texted for the longest time, and all she kept saying was ‘give us another chance.’

Give what another chance? Me being miserable? Her being completely self centered? Sitting through dinner with her, trying to pretend I don’t know how the pap’s found out where we made reservations?  I’m not stupid.  She calls them so she can get her name in the media.  I feel like her little pawn.

That’s not the way I want to be perceived.  It’s bullshit.  I was with her to be with her...not to broaden her fuckin’ career.

It pisses me off.  It’s making me angry after an amusing evening, and I don’t want to feel this way. We’re going to leave for Memphis in a few hours.  I want this trip to be relaxing, not two days worth of stressing about Jessica and how my mother feels about our split.

‘It’s over, Jess. How many times do I have to say it? It’s been over for a long time.”

“I got greedy.  You know how this business is, Justin.  You act like I don’t regret it.”

“You sabotaged our relationship.  You might as well have fucked somebody else.”

“You’re so fucking cynical.”

“Hang up.” Trace rolls his eyes as he whispers the words to me.  “Cut ‘er off before she spoils somethin’.”

“Your mom invited me to Christmas.  Did she tell you?”

I slowly pick my head up, and stare at Trace, feeling my eyes widen as I do it.  “No.  She didn’t tell me a thing.”

“What?” He mouths.

“Well, I’ll be there, and we’re going to talk whether you want to or not.  We’ve been together seven years, Justin.  You can’t just...avoid me.”

“Jess, c’mon, please don’t.”

“Take your little road trip and get your act together.  I’ll see you on Saturday.”

She hangs up.

Fuck. Me.

“What was all that about?” Trace slowly sits down across from me, his expression grim.  

He knows this is anything but good.

“There’s gonna be an extra place set at Christmas supper.”

“Are you kidding me?”

“My mom invited her.”

“You want me to have my mom call her?”

“Why? You know how my mom is.  She’s gonna get her way in the end.”

Trace nods.

He knows all about it, because our mothers raised us together.

Now, Christmas is going to suck.

I almost don’t want to go, but know that I don’t have a choice.  My family is expecting me to show up, and if I bail, I’ll never hear the end of it.  My grandfather will go on and on about how he’s getting older and ‘might not have that many holidays left,’ and my grandmother will just ignore me for a month.  I couldn’t handle that.  I respect and love them too much.

Jess knows that too, and that’s why she’s doing this.  She knows I’ll show, come hell or high water.

“What does she think you’re gonna do?” He laughs.  “Get back with her?”

“She’s hoping.”

“Well, that’s dumb.  ‘Cause you’re not.”

I’m silent.  Can’t look at him.

“Justin.”

“Hm.”r32;

“You’re can’t let her lure you back.  That’ll be three times.”

He’s right.

I don’t know what the fuck my problem is.  It’s like, I can’t say no to her.  Maybe it’s because this will be my third long term relationship that’s failed, if I let her go.  I hate to think that it’s the truth, so I’ve taken her back over and over again even though I knew she would continue to pull her stupid shit.  This was supposed to be the last straw but...it’s just not.  I’m starting to question myself.  Do I care about her? Love her? r32;
Maybe I do.  Maybe I should just settle because my love life isn’t going anywhere otherwise.  Jessica might be the best I can do.  She’s the only one who doesn’t complain when I give her an attitude, and that’s saying a lot.  I’m a moody bastard.

And last night, I took my attitude out on the wrong person.

She’s cool.  I mean, for a fan.  She’s not like I expected, calmer around me than I thought she’d be.  I was able to talk to her.  It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to talk to a girl that isn’t related to me.  I never talk to fans, really.  Most of the time, they can’t talk to me like a normal person.  They get that deer in headlights look about them, ramble some form of ‘can we take a picture,’ smile after it’s done, and scurry away.  I’ve come to expect it as routine, and yeah, from time to time I meet the amusing fan or two.

But Dara is...different.  She’s not like the rest.  She stands out in my mind, and I know if things weren’t complicated, we could be friends.  But, they are complicated.  I’m busy, and she wouldn’t get it.  No girl outside the business does.  I know, I tried to date outside the spectrum, but the relationship failed after a month.  I just wasn’t around enough to make it last.  It sucks, I’d like to date outside of the business.  Those women are a little more genuine, and don’t have the paparazzi on speed dial.

“Just ignore her, that’s all,” Trace suggests.

I dig my spoon into the cereal and stir it around.  “Yeah, like she won’t throw herself at me the first chance she gets.”

“Want me to talk to her?” He grins, devilishly.

Trace can’t stand her.  That fact has been known to me since the first month of our relationship.  From the beginning, he always told me something was off with her, that he didn’t like her.  I blew it off as nothing, but now, I wish I hadn’t.  “You’re sick, I can’t have you doing that.”

“You just know I’d make up somethin’ awesome.”

“Or something that would get us slapped by our mommas.”

He shrugs.  “It’s what I’m famous for.”

“We better get going.  I wanna get to the first motel by sundown,” I tell him.

“Cool.  I already put some stuff in the Jeep this morning.”

“W-where are the girls?”

He smirks slightly.  “Last I knew Dara was trying to get Eva sober enough to take a shower.”

“How’d you meet them anyway?”

“Eva was lurking around the venue.  She’s pretty hot, you saw...big boobs, killer body, nice ass.  We got to talking, that’s all.”

I narrow my eyes at him and laugh.  “Tell me you didn’t do it in my dressing room.”

“Nah.” He shakes his head.  “Fucked ‘er in the car.”

“Reliving your glory days?”

“I was horny, and she needed a favor.  Who was I to turn her down?  Besides, you’re thankful.  I know you enjoyed Dara’s company last night.”

I look back down at my cereal, frowning when I realize it’s gotten too soggy for me to eat.  “How much do you know about her?”

“I wasn’t exactly asking Eva about her friends,” he laughs.  “Why?”

I don’t answer him.

“Justin?”

“She’s just...cool,” I finally admit.  “I thought you might know somethin’ about her.”

“You were the one who was talking to her.  If you’re asking me if I think she’s crazy, the answer is no.  She’s fine.  I wouldn’t have let her sleep here otherwise.”

I know that part.  I was only hoping Trace might have found something out about Dara’s love life.  I tried to be sneaky and find out if she had a boyfriend, but I failed miserably.  Not that it matters, she didn’t seem to mind that I asked her.  But why is she single? That’s always been a deciding factor before I’ve gotten into a relationship.  “She’s single,” I point out.

“And?”

I look up at him, and find that he’s staring at me.  “I dunno.”

“You like this girl,” he sits back and smiles as he folds his hands behind his head.  “You do.”

“I don’t...like her, necessarily.  She’s just easy to talk to.”

“Bull.  You can’t lie to me.”

He’s right.  

“I can put a good word in for you.  I’m sure she’s willing to fuck you, if that’s...”

“I’m not after that.”

“Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”

“She doesn’t seem like the type that would, that’s all.”

“It’s the timid ones you gotta watch out for.  She could be one of those crazy bondage chicks.”

“Yeah, right.”

“Well, she obviously lives in LA.  Get her number and call her after the holiday.”

“Who knows what’s going to happen after the holiday?”

“Well that’s on you if you go back with Biel.  I can’t control what your stupid ass does.”

I sigh harshly.  Right now I’m sitting here, convinced that I won’t take her back, but I know the moment I see her and she puts her arms around me, I’ll melt away again.  She has this power over me, probably because she’s so damn hot, and uses it to her advantage whenever our relationship is in a big ass rut.  I hate to love her, but I can’t help myself.

“Morning.”

I look up, and see them standing there.  Well, more like Dara is standing there, helping her friend to do the same.  Eva’s real hungover, still half asleep, and I quickly get up to pull a chair out.  I can feel Trace’s eyes digging into me, probably because he knows I’m suddenly smitten by Dara, and it’s ridiculous.  She and I help get Eva down into the chair, and she groans a little before laying her head down on my table.  

“It’ll pass,” Trace reassures Eva.  “You know it will.”

r32;r32;“I hate everything,” Eva responds.

I finally glance at Dara.  She’s smirking slightly, probably thinks that Eva is getting what she deserves for acting out last night.  It’s the same way I feel when Trace gets stupid drunk, and for the first time, we both have something in common.  “Did you sleep okay?”

“I did,” Dara nods.  “We’ll leave soon, if you don’t mind dropping us at Staples so I can get my car.”

“Sure.”  I say it with regret.  

I’d like to hang out with her today.

But Trace and I have plans, and while it sucks, I can’t interrupt my life for somebody I barely know.

“So, when are you guys driving down? Eva was telling me her mom lives in Memphis,” Trace say it to Dara as she busies herself with pouring her friend a glass of juice.  

“Later this morning, I guess, if this one isn’t throwing up her life,” Dara laughs and forces Eva to sit up.  “Drink this.”

“No,” she whines.

“I will seriously slap you.”

She listens after that.

“That’s a long drive for just the two of you,” Trace continues.  

“We’ll manage.  We’re big girls.”

“What if you guys carpool with us?” He suggests.

I snap to attention, stare at him.  What the hell is he doing? I mean, Dara is cool but...no.  This is our trip, and I have enough on my mind without being horny the entire time.

Fuck, I just admitted that I want her.

I can’t do this to myself.  It’s Christmas.

“I...don’t think so,” Dara laughs.

“Why?” Trace asks.  “I think we’d have a good time.  We’re going to the same place, practically.  You could consider it an environmentally friendly trip.”

“You just want her,” Dara motions to her friend, who has gone back to laying her head on the table.  “Don’t try to swindle me, Trace.”

He smiles.  “I guarantee you won’t regret it.”

Then she looks at me.

Oh God.

“Trace, stop,” I say all too quickly.  “They can’t.”

“Hey, it’s your loss.”  He laughs gently and gets up from the table.  “I’m gonna get the rest of my shit together, J.  Meet me at the car in twenty.”

“Fine,” I grit out.

He slaps me on the back and smiles at Dara.  “It was nice to meet you.  I hope you have a kick ass holiday.”

She sighs.  “Likewise.”

They don’t shake hands, and he’s still smiling to himself as he walks out of the kitchen.

“Is he nuts?” Dara asks me after a moment.

“Pretty much, yeah.  You haven’t even seen him that drunk.”

“Thank God for that.”

I laugh.

Awkward silence ensues.

“Well um...I have all our stuff together, and I threw those pajamas you lent us in the hamper.  Hope that’s okay.”

I nod.  “Fine.”

“So...whenever you’re ready I guess.”

“You’re so lame, Dara,” Eva speaks up.  “We should just ride with them.”

I chuckle.

“Shut up, would you?”  She says it over her shoulder before looking back at me again.  “Sorry...”

“Hey, I get it.  It would be awkward...I guess...”r32;

“Yeah...very awkward.”

We stare at each other.

Something is just...there.  I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel like if I spent a couple of days with her things would be completely different between us.  

“We’ll see you in the car.”  She quickly turns away from me and yanks Eva to her feet.  

“Dara!” Eva whines.

“We gotta go.”  She walks briskly past me then, dragging her friend with her.  I hear the door open and close a few minutes later, and I know she’s gone out to the car.

My shoulders sag in defeat.

I’m letting her go.  I don’t want to.  Trace is right, I guess I do like her.

But it’s a pipe dream.  We’re too different, and I’d feel terrible if we started something and it ended badly.  It’s better to leave things as they are, and maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to see her again one day.  For now, I’ll focus on the moment, on my family, and letting this thing with Biel run its course.