14

The number is there, in front of my face, slapping me, laughing at me, telling me that I’m a pussy, that I can’t knock, that I’m too much of a chicken shit.

Okay, so, I like her.  I’m admitting it.

But that doesn’t mean I can go through with this.

“Truth or Dare?” Eva smiled, as Trace held her in his arms.

I hated the game.  I hadn’t played since I was a teenager, but we were having a good time, so I figured...what the hell?  Eva is a cool person to be around.  She’s full of life, and laughter, perfect for Trace, really.  Somebody I could see myself being friends with, because she doesn’t care who I am and I can tell she never has.

“Dare.” I said, with a smirk.

Eva clapped her hands.  “Okay.  I want you to go to our room, and grab Dara’s boobs.  Don’t come back until you’re done.  We can wait.”

My eyes widened.

Trace was laughing.  

I knew they’d been plotting it all along.  Trace is a fuck.  He knew I’d pick dare.

“Do you want me to get slapped across the face?”

“Dara is too timid for that,” Eva pointed out.  “You’ll be okay.”

“You say that now and then I’ll have bruised balls for Christmas.”

“Hey, get goin’,” Trace spoke up and rose to his feet so he could push me to the door.  “You know the rules.  You can’t back down from a dare.”

I sighed harshly as he pushed the door open, and pushed me through it seconds later.  “This isn’t middle school.  I can do whatever I want.”

“You know I’ll bug the shit out of you about this until the day you die, if you bail.  See you in a few...hours.”  

He smirked and winked at me.

I frowned.

The door slammed in my face, and I tried to get back in, but the fuck had locked me out.  I could hear them laughing on the other side as I yelled for them to let me back in.  I was so pissed.

Despite that, I still trudged over to her room, determined not to let Trace get the best of me.  

Now I’m standing here, like a dope, not even able to knock on her door because I’m scared.

Scared of a woman.  

I don’t think I’ve been this fearful of my feelings since Britney.

I’m not even gonna go there.

“Jesus!”

“Oh...”  

My eyes go wide as I stare back at her.  She’s in nothing but a little white tank top and some pajama bottoms, ice bucket tucked under her arm, and I realize she must think I’m stalking her.  Funny, me stalking her.  I would think it would be the other way around.    “...hi.”

“What the hell are you doing?” She says it impatiently as she shifts her weight from one foot to the other.  “Did they put you up to this?”

“I...”

“Just go back.”  She pushes past me and starts to walk the few feet over to the ice machine, shoving the bucket underneath it as she punches the button to make it dispense.  “Tell them I said to leave me alone.”

I shove my hands in my pockets and bite down on my lip, not being able to stop myself from studying her as she stands there, filling up her bucket.  I guess it was too dark last night for me to notice, but right now, in the light, and because she’s wearing such thin layers of clothing, I can tell that...I like her body.  Her figure is toned, and slender.  It tells me she works out, runs, definitely my type right off the bat.  I love to work out with my girlfriends.  It gives us a chance to talk and catch up with what’s going on in our lives.  I’m so busy, sometimes it will be the only chance I have to really spend time with them.  

Her...ass is nice too.  It’s not too tiny, and not too big.  Just right.  Just enough for me to grab onto while we’re in bed...

“Justin.”

I snap out of it.  “Huh?”

“Could you stop staring at me, please? You’re freaking me out.”r32;

“Sorry.”  My face is burning as I look down at my sneakers.  

“Are you high or something?”

“No.”

I feel her walk briskly past me, and it’s the only reason why I’m able to look up again.  I’m just in time to see her retreating further and further away from me, and I don’t know why, but something inside forces me to follow behind her.  “Hey, wait up, would you?”

“Why?” She pauses at the door and pushes it open, before looking back at me.  “What is it that you need? To fulfill some kind of dare Trace gave you? Get on with it then.”

“I doubt you’d want me to do that,” I laugh.  “How about we just hang out for a bit.  Something tells me that our counterparts have started to do interesting things back in my hotel room, that I don’t want to bare witness to.”

“Hey, that’s your problem,” she chuckles.  “I have a room.”

“Come on.” I say it gently and smile.

She stares at me.  It’s the deer in the headlights look but...it’s not the same one I’ve come to expect from my fans.  This one is because she’s confused.  She doesn’t know why this is happening, how we ended up at the same dingy ass motel on the same night, and she also doesn’t know how I feel about her, or how she feels about me.

But, the feeling is mutual.  

“Are you going to buy me pizza?”

“Naturally,” I laugh.

“Then...”  She sucks in a breath, as if she’s going to hate what comes next.  “Fine. Come on.”

She walks inside, leaving me standing there staring after her.  

Really?

Was it really that simple?  

I guess so, and all that tells me is...she’s liked me all along, even though she’s still trying her best to hide those feelings from me.  I have no idea what’s about to happen, but the night is so young that I know...

I know anything can.
**************
December 23, 2011

3 am

“Why are you so good at this?”

She takes a long guzzle out of the beer can and grins at me.  “Because I’ve had more hours of practice time than anybody I know.”

Mario jumps around the screen, triumphantly, because he’s made it through the last level of the game.

Dara can conquer Super Mario Brothers 3 in just under two hours.  It’s so lame, but it amazes the hell out of me.

“I told you I could do it,” she laughs, and reaches out to shut the game and TV off.  “You didn’t believe me.  Now you have to pay.”

“Fine.”  I groan and reach into my pocket, producing the thing she asked me for early on in the evening.  “But you better give me a hit.”

She holds the blunt in her hands and stares at it for a few moments, seemingly confused.  “I’ve never done this. I always thought...”

“Drugs is bad?” I say in a stupid voice.

She rolls her eyes.  “Maybe.”

I shrug.  “It’s relaxing.  You’ll be fine.  Sometimes you have to just kick back and be a little bit of a badass, Dara.”

She just stares at it.

I laugh a little as I produce a lighter from my pocket.  “So, where’d you get all that extra time to practice?”

“Like I said, I traveled a lot when I was young.  My parents left me in the hotel room every chance they got, so I occupied myself with video games.”

I nod a little.  I get it.  I mean, while I didn’t live the same life as her, I still know what it’s like to be trapped in a hotel room or on a bus for hours on end.  “I used to kick ass at Sonic.  It’s been years since I’ve played.”r32;

“Down with Sega.  Seriously, Nintendo will always be the best.”

“I made them put a Sega system in the bus when we were over in Europe.”  I sink down beside her on the floor, and take the blunt out of her hands so I can light it for us.  “Chris and Joey absolutely hated it.”

“They wanted Nintendo?” She narrows her eyes.

“Yeah, but when you’re the youngest out of the group and your momma is on the bus you tend to get your way,” I laugh.

“You’re a brat.”

I shrug.  “I’m thirty.  You can’t call me a brat now, I’m too old.”

“You’re still a brat,” she chuckles as she finishes her beer.  “I don’t care how old you are.”
r32;

“So if I’m a brat what are you?”  I light the blunt and take a few hits, letting the smoke sit inside my chest for a moment or two before breathing it out slowly and passing it to her.  

“Nobody.”  She says it quickly before raising the blunt to her lips.

“What’d you mean?” I stare up at the ceiling as I ask, letting the effect of the drug sink in.  

“I’m just...you know...”  

She trails off and I’m sure it’s because she’s trying to take her hits.  I look over at her, watch her do it, and laugh my ass off when she starts choking on the smoke.  “You gonna be okay there, first timer?”

“I...I-I’m...”  She continues to cough for a few more moments, making sure to pass me the blunt so she won’t drop it.  “I-I’ll be f-fine.”

I just laugh harder and take some more hits.  She doesn’t ask me for any more, either, and I can tell that this type of thing isn’t for her.  That’s okay though.  It’s a little cute to me, in fact.  I’ve never met a girl as straight edge as her.  All of my girlfriends have been into the stuff, just like me.  It’s a little nice, actually.  Maybe she can teach me a thing or two about living my life without using party drugs.  

I’ll try to focus on that when I’m not so high.

“So what was that you said?” I put what’s left of the blunt down in an ashtray and do my best to focus on her again.  “You’re nobody?”

“It’s just the way I feel about myself.”

“Is it your folks that make you feel that way?”

She’s silent.

I know the answer is yes.

“You shouldn’t let them do that.  I mean, I know it must be hard taking their attitudes all the time.  I’m close with my mom but she can get on my case a lot about my love life.  I do my best not to let it get to me.”

“At least you’re not a disappointment.”

I stare at her.  She’s a little drunk from the six pack of beers we split, and I’m sure the smoke went right to her head.  I know she’s confessing a lot to me right now that she would normally cover up.  I shouldn’t take advantage, and I know that, but at the same time I’m so curious.  She’s a great girl.  I’ve known that from the moment I came down off my throne and talked to her.  Why would her parents not think the same way?  

I don’t get it.

“They think you’re a disappointment?”

“Basically.  It’s mostly why I live at Eva’s.  They figured out I wasn’t the genius they wanted me to be when I was high school, and left me behind.”

“That can’t be the only reason why.  Maybe they thought you...”

“It is the reason.  I think I would know.”

She sounds angry.  I guess she has every right to be though.  “Sorry,” I whisper.

“You don’t need to be.  It’s my fault.”

“It’s not your fault that they’re fucking terrible parents.”  

“If I tried harder...”

“Dara, are you hearing yourself?”

I stare at her and she stares right back at me.  I feel tingles running up and down my spine and I know...I know I’m making a connection with her, and she’s making the same one with me.  Even though we’re a little messed up, our emotions are as real as ever.  

I don’t know what’s happening.

But I do know that...I don’t want to leave her tonight, or tomorrow...

I don’t know when I want to leave her side, in fact.

And that’s bad.

“I’m just saying...” she begins.

“Look, I know we just met and everything, but...you’re a cool girl,” I nod.  “I wouldn’t just say that.  You...you shouldn’t let them make you feel that way, you know? It’s not right.  You have a lot going for you, you’re a good person, and if they can’t see that, they’re the stupid ones.”

She laughs.  “Why do you care?”

I lick my lips and lean in closer to her.  “I just...I dunno.  It’s just something about you.  You’re gettin’ to me, I guess.”

A soft smile creeps onto her face.  “I got to you? Mr. Sunshine himself?”

“Yeah.  Imagine that.”  I laugh softly, close my eyes...

Our lips brush against each others.  Then my hand is on her neck, pulling her closer to me so I can deepen our kiss.  Her mouth opens wider, allowing my tongue to wander inside, and I kiss her harder, stronger.  My lips travel from her mouth to her neck, and my hands begin to reach for the bottom of her shirt...tugging it up slightly so I can reach underneath...up to her bra...

“Justin...”  She sighs against me.

I don’t stop touching her.  Then my hands are there, on her covered breasts, and I know what’s coming next.

“Justin.”  

She pushes my hands away as they begin to pull down on her bra straps.  I just stare at her, confused.  “Did I...do something wrong?”

“No, I...”  She pulls her shirt down and runs a hand through her hair.

She looks terrified.

“Hey.” I whisper.  “Dara...you don’t have to do this.  I get it.”

“I just...I’ve never...done this before.”

“What?” I laugh.  “Made out with a stranger?”

“I mean I’ve...”  She presses her lips together and shakes her head.  “I’ve never slept with anybody before.”

Oh damn.

Oh fuck.

I get it.  I totally get it now.  “Shit, I had no idea.”  I blurt it out quickly and jump to my feet.

She stays there, on the floor, staring up at me with sad eyes.  “Well, it doesn’t mean you have to go...”

“It’s just getting weird.”r32;r32;

“Oh.”  She looks down at the floor.

I know how horrible she must feel, but hell, I’m not about to sit here and take this girls virginity.  Not tonight.  Not during the Christmas holiday.  That would be entirely too fucked up, considering I might not see her again after this.  I may do a lot of stupid, fucked up things in my life, but this is one thing I don’t want to do.  I don’t think I’d ever forgive myself if I did.

“HEY!!”

I jump and Dara shrieks as the door bursts open.  Trace and Eva are standing in the entrance to the room, roaring with laughter.  I frown immediately and begin to wonder how long they were standing on the other side of the door, trying to listen in on us.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I bark.

“We wanted to see what became of the dare,” Trace grins.

“Did Justin touch your boobs, Dara?” Eva asks.

She says nothing.  Her face is bright red, and before I know it, she’s gone into the bathroom and slammed the door behind her.

I stare at the two people in front of me, feeling the rage burning inside of my body.  I push myself to my feet next and storm over to where they’re standing, still laughing, holding each other for support.  “Why...why the hell would you just...”

“Come on, Justin,” Trace laughs.  “It was funny.  I wish you could have seen the look on your face.  You two were all cozy and shit, and with my weed too.  I wanted payback.”

“I’ll give you fucking payback.”

“Boys.”  Eva steps in-between us and smiles.  “Now come on, lets play nice.”

I don’t bother.

I just walk out.

Fuck, what the hell was I doing back there? She got to me? Really? Did I really just confess that to her?

What is she going to think now? Or tomorrow?

It’s not like I can be with her, and that means I shouldn’t have touched her at all.  I know that she’s sensitive, that she’ll be hurt if I tell her we can’t take this thing between us any further.

I’m never going to see her again once we take off in the morning, anyway, so rejecting her is the only option.  She’ll be confused, sure, and I’ll feel like shit the rest of the way to Memphis.  I never intended to kiss her, touch her, or say the things I said to her, but I didn’t think, as always, and if she hadn’t stopped me...I would have fucked her up even more.

I felt bad for her, because nobody deserves to be treated like her parents treat her.  That mixed with the undeniable attraction I have for her caused me to lose myself...

I hate it, but I want to go back and touch her some more.

It just felt right, sick as it is.

Shit, my walls are crumbling for this girl.

I can’t afford to feel this way.  Not for a girl I barely know, especially when I have so much waiting for me in Memphis.  

I have to figure out a way to get her out of my system, even if I don’t want to.

The only solution is to leave, turn my back on her...

Without saying goodbye.