There were touching moments when Justin would think about our happy past and I could experience with him watching what he was watching.
I'd lay next to him unable to sleep and try with every being to be there in his dreams. Let him know that I'm still here. I’ve added extra problems, Trace sent him to see a therapist about seeing me in the kitchen. For 42 days Justin didn’t set foot in the kitchen because of me. For the last 2 months Justin stayed with his family unable to live there reminders of that day haunting him.
I went over and over what the guide in the white room said to me as I tried to sleep but nothing told me what I had to do to be with Justin or let that moment in that kitchen happen again. I go over the scenario of seeing Justin again endlessly and I've come to the point where I believe it would just cause more damage.
'Be careful and pray'
Justin and me always prayed together before we slept and now neither of us did after my death.
I got out of bed and knelt on my knees and prayed.
‘Lord please help Justin, make him happy again let him believe in you again he needs his faith back. Hi mom’ I added smiling knowing she was watching me and I could hear her soft chuckle.
‘Nice of you to think of me’ she answered
‘You know me I'm a nice person’ and I broke down to tears
‘Soon…Keisha soon' her voice echoed round the room and I went back to sleep next to Justin.
‘Justin man wake up we're going out we got something to show you’ Trace shook Justin I sat up watching Justin trying to ignore Trace.
‘Trace it's way too early’ Justin grumbled turning over.
‘At least you remember my name I aint spoken to you in ages’ Trace whined. Justin distanced himself from almost everyone his best coping methods.
‘I've only just come to terms living back here I haven’t got time to socialise’ Justin defended himself another reminder of the long list I have mentally noted of all bad things I had caused.
‘But you do Justin’ I told him I wished he would try to get on with his life. I wouldn’t be hurt if he dated or wrote hate lyrics about me anything which would stop him from walking around like a zombie in this big house.
‘Your doing well J, dang I miss her cooking’ he sighed I smiled I missed my cooking I miss doing anything normal I just followed Justin like a lap dog crying daily.
‘Get up J.C is downstairs’ Trace pulled the pillows from under Justin and chucked them on the floor. The mention of J.C sent me wandering down I haven’t seen him in such a long time.
I went downstairs following Trace, listening on his conversation with Joshua. J.C took it hard he couldn’t bear to be in this house the first few months hurt him I heard. He couldn’t take the mention of my name or anything affiliated with me. Him and Justin's friendship was in shreds.
‘How’s he doing?’ J.C asked his face grim as he looked around the Living room which still held pictures of me.
‘Seems alright but you can never tell the truth with his feelings’ J.C nodded he walked away to the fireplace which had a number of photos of me. J.C picked up one of me and him a picture Justin took at a dinner we all went out for.
‘Keisha I hope you’re watching Justin’ J.C whispered gazing at the photo. I placed my hand on his shoulder and wrapped the other one around him.
I am J.C more than you know it I thought in my head, I went back upstairs to check on Justin hearing him in the bathroom. I was just about to open the door then realised how wrong it was to intrude. I'm his girlfriend. My reasoning for going inside was to make sure Justin was in good shape.
I opened the door and walked towards the shower, I stopped as Justin turned the shower off and began to open the shower door. The door swung through me.
Justin stepped out screaming and I couldn’t help but scream then laugh as he slipped and fell out banging his head on the floor. I was by his side in an instant.
‘Justin are you okay?’ I asked as I lifted his head into my lap stroking his hair. His eyes stared at mine above. He couldn’t believe it but he opened his mouth and spoke.
'You scared the shit out of me standing right there' I laughed embarrassed blushing. I don’t think he got why I was standing right there and I think when he realised he began to laugh to himself.
‘Your still a freak Kay’ he laughed even harder trying to cover himself up as he sat up. I noticed him becoming fidgety, I snatched the towel holding it away from him. ‘Keish give it back' Justin tried reaching out for it but failed I was just about to sit on the floor with him when the door opened and went straight through me.
‘Justin you alright?’ J.C asked slightly frantic his eyes diverted when he saw Justin wasn’t decent.
‘Get out dumbass I'm naked…but I'm alright thanks for caring’ he answered shooing J.C out. The door shut and he rest his head onto it.
‘Give it to me Keisha’ he asked I stepped just that bit forward and my eyes closed as I let my head rest against his back. I stood up straight and Justin turned round moving round me pushing me back against the door His hands travelled their way down the sides of my body making the hairs on my arm stand straight he took the towel from my hands wrapping it round his middle. My eyes were fixed on his.
‘Aint like I haven’t seen it before’ I said glancing down he placed his thumb under my chin and lifted my head to his level. Our faces were close my senses were on overload. I didn’t know I still had these human functions Justin was sending me crazy with lust.
‘I'm sure you see it every day’ he said slyly his eyes looking at my lips then back at my eyes.
‘Well… not all the time’ I defended smiling embarrassed that this watching thing had turned into some stalker thing.
‘How come you’re here’ he asked he held my hand and led me to the side as he opened the door back to the bedroom
‘Not excited to see me opaque’ he turned to me looking upset. What the hell was I doing.
‘Sorry, if I can’t explain it to myself how could I possibly explain it to Trace or someone ’
‘I know, you sure your fine you hit your head hard’ I asked sitting him down on the bed my hands running through his short hair checking for any bumps or lumps. Justin moved his head with my hands loving the feel of my hands.
‘I'm fine…Kay?'
‘Yeah’ he sat me down on his lap and fell back on the bed.
‘Do you know why yet that you’re still here watching me?’ he asked his hands running through my hair.
‘No not yet I prayed for the first time…in a long time and it felt good I felt refreshed afterwards’ I told him hoping if he did the same he may feel better some days. He smiled a small smile.
‘God aint in my good books yet’ I sighed tracing my fingers across his face
‘He made it possible for me to be here’ I said gratitude washing over me that I was given this moment with Justin.
‘For how long ay, I've seen you twice do I have to wait another 6 months if I'm lucky’ he spat back angry. I uncurled his fist and kissed his fingers.
‘Justin today you laughed’ I told him with a smile on my face
‘I didn’t’ his voice sounding like a small boy refusing to agree. I giggled, my hands stroking his shoulders tapping his freckles.
‘You did and I'm so sorry it's taken this long' ‘We miss you' ‘I know baby' I kissed his forehead taking my time to take all of this in. Justin wrapped an arm round my waist bringing me closer to him. ‘It's really you' I nodded glancing up at him but not for long I was always mesmerized by his freckles. I sat up and leaned over Justin. I kissed his shoulder then I bit it hard. ‘Just so you can remember me’ Justin winced but he was smiling ‘I could never forget you or the bite mark shit Keisha' he rubbed the dent I left the sting getting to him now.
‘I had to I've wanted to do that-' I stopped it was my own fault I wasn’t able to do that I couldn’t look for sympathy from Justin.
I can feel I'm about to go, cutting Justin short of what he was about to say I capture his lips my hands holding his face his hands doing the same. I haven’t kissed Justin in over 6 months and it felt so damn good I think I'd forgotten how amazing his kisses felt. It lasted just long enough and I was invisible again.
I love you Key' Justin said softly
I love you too' I replied lying back on the bed with Justin.
