The water is everywhere.

In my nose, in my ears, flooding my vision so my eyes must remain tightly closed as I try to fight my way through the current.  I try to scream out for her, but the water floods into my mouth, blocking the sound.  I claw around.  Just water...water all around me...

“Justin.”

I hear her, and swim frantically towards the voice.  

Just hang on.

Just hang on for a few seconds.

My hand finally wraps itself around what I know is her tiny arm, and I cling to it so tight, force my eyes open so I can make sure she’s with me.  My eyes burn as I struggle to the surface.  Then we  break out of the water, and I gasp harshly for a breath of precious air.

“You’re okay.”  I pull her to my chest and smile, thanking God for a second chance.

But she doesn’t say a word.

“Dawn?”

I look down.  Sure, she’s staring back at me, but it’s a blank stare.  A big, wide eyed stare, with a gaping mouth full of water, sand and seaweed.  

I’m too late.

“She’s dead!”

I look up.  My Mother and Father and Macie are standing on the boat deck, looking down on me, their gazes condemning me to hell.

“I...I tried to save her,” I whimper, and cling to her lifeless body as we continue to float in the middle of the lake.  “I tried!”

“She’s dead!”

That’s all they say.

“She’s dead! She’s dead! She’s dead!”

The boat begins to sail off into the distance, leaving me to float adrift in the water until I perish myself.

“WAIT!”  I sit up in bed, breathing harshly, feeling the sweat coming out of every pour.  My shirt is sticking to my back and chest, and when I pull it away, I realized its as soaked as it would be if the dream was real.  “God...”  I bury my face in my hands, and let out the tiniest sob.

The light snaps on.

“Justin.”

I don’t pick my head up out of my hands, just continue to whimper as my body trembles, because it was all so damn real.

I hate this.

It happens too often, and if it weren’t for the fact that Trace is here, I don’t know what I would do.

I wouldn’t last a day on my own, and I know that.

“Was it that freaky water dream again?”

I feel the end of the mattress sink down slightly, and I know he’s sitting with on the bed now, waiting for me to get a hold of myself.  I sigh, suck in a breath, and then I’m finally able to look at him.  “Yeah.”

He nods.  “You wanna walk it off or take some pills?”

“Pills,” I whisper.

“Hang on.”

I hear him shuffling around, banging things in the bathroom, before he returns to my side with the medicine and some water.  “You’ll be okay.”  He pats me on the back a couple of times as I take the things from him.  “I have some porn in my trunk if it’ll take your mind off of it.”

I almost spit out my water, but managed to choke it down along with my anxiety pills.  “Asshole.”

“Hey, it helps.  Porn can cure anything.  That’s why it’s a billion dollar franchise.”

I roll my eyes and can’t help but laugh.  That’s how he is...how he’s always been.  Nothing is ever serious with him.  He can take something like death, and turn it around so those affected aren’t as upset for that moment in time.  When my sister died, he was there for me, and when my father had me arrested...he made sure I got the help I needed.  He had me come live with him once all of that was over with, and I haven’t set foot inside my parents house since then.

I’m better off because of it.  The next time I see my father, I have a feeling that I’ll punch him in the face, whether Macie is around or not.

I’m praying he doesn’t come to Parent’s Day.

“You gonna be okay, man?” Trace sighs and goes to sit on the end of his bed, rubbing his hands on his thighs as he shoots me an uncertain look from across the room.

I shrug.  “I guess I’ll have to be.  Max is making me get up early so we can do some stupid crap down at the lake with the kids.”

“You and Maxi Pad.” He smiles and laughs to himself.  “Who would have thought, right? I mean, what the hell are the odds that she’d wind up here with us again?”

I really don’t know the answer to that, and it’s been plaguing me since Patrick first told me the news this afternoon.  I thought that stage of my life was gone and forgotten.  I grew up, shit happened, and I thought coming here would take me away from my past, force me to look towards the future.  But all it’s really done is remind me of how much of a bastard I was then, and how I’ll never change.  “She’s pissing me off,” I grunt.  “I told her about Macie and the water.  She refuses to listen.  Now I have to go out of my way, just to make sure nothing goes wrong.”

“Maybe you should relax a little,” he tells me after a long  moment of silence.  “I’m sure Maxi Pad can handle keeping an eye on your sister for you.  She’s into all that first aid, buddy system crap.”

“Are you out of your mind?”

He just laughs sadly.  “Man...”

“I’m responsible for what happens to her.”  I point harshly at my chest and feel my cheeks begin to burn.

“You have to move past this thing some time, you know?  I mean, I get it.  You know I get it, but Justin...this summer is your chance to break free from all that shit and let loose.  We can have a good time.  Let Maxi Pad take over, babysit her for the summer...”

“I’m going.  End of story.”

He sighs.  “Whatever, man.  Do what you want, but don’t come crying to me when you burn yourself out and your kids are acting up because you’re too tired to pay attention to them.  I gotta get some sleep.  I have to handle that bitch Amy in the morning, and that’s a project in itself.”

He lays down after that, and throws the covers back over himself.

“Trace.”

“You know, she got kind of hot, Maxine,” he laughs a little.  “It’s a damn miracle.  She’s...almost a part of the human race now.  I’d still lock her in the boat house though, just for a laugh.”

He turns his light out.

Then it’s dark again.

He’s mad at me.  Of course I know why.  The couple of months before we came up here, he made me promise that this summer wouldn’t be about Dawn.  It would be about me getting my head back together again.  I promised him, and now...I seem to have fallen right back to where I was originally.  It sucks.  Of course I don’t want to be this way, dream about the things that happened, or treat my sister like a little baby.  I just don’t know what else to do, and I can’t seem to stop myself.  I’m just...so scared of the things that I let happen, and I’ll do anything to keep history from repeating itself.

I lay back and close my eyes.  Falling back to sleep is easier than I thought it wold be.  I feel like I’ve been sleeping for all of five minutes when the alarm goes off in my ear, and I slam the snooze button with my hand, only managing to drag myself out of bed after it sounds a third time.  Trace is still snoring as my feet hit the cold wooden floor, and I mutter bitterly to myself as I get up.  I take a shower and dress myself, all while I’m half asleep.  My stomach is growling when I walk out the door, and I plan on grabbing some coffee, even if it will make me a few minutes late meeting the boys at their cabin.  

Ten minutes late to the lake won’t matter to Max.  She wouldn’t let Macie get in the water without me there.

I’m sure she wouldn’t.  We made a deal, after all.

I run into Cindy while I’m getting my coffee and I get careless about the time as we make small talk.  She’s the one who got Trace in here.  They met at the gym near our apartment, and have been dating on and off for several years.  She’s a nice person, a little on the slutty side, but I know Trace wouldn’t accept another type of woman.  He’s more of a nympho than a lover, unlike myself, who can be more emotional with a woman...

At least, that’s how I used to be.

I know how late I am by the time I manage to get away from her.

Twenty minutes late.

It won’t matter.

Right?

“We’ve been waiting forever.”  Michael Witson groans at me when I finally reach Beaver Hut.  The four other boys who comprise the group stand at either side of him, with tired expression on their faces.  “Why’d you make us get up so early?”

I laugh slightly and take a long sip of my coffee.  “Sorry guys.  I got a little delayed, that’s all.  Y’all ready? I thought we could do some rowing today.”

“It’s too early,” Sam Johnson huffs.  “I want to sleep more.”

“C’mon, once your adrenaline kicks in, you’ll forget about all that.  It’ll be fun, I promise.”

I lead them down to the lake after that, despite their moans and groans, making sure to stop at the boat house to crab two canoes out of it.  Being inside the place takes me back to when I was young.  I can see Trace and I running around, shoving Maxine inside, making her cry...

I wish I hadn’t.  I wish she didn’t hate me, because I know I’ve come to depend on her already, for so much, even if she can’t realize it yet.  

Despite those feelings, I can’t stop myself from becoming enraged when we reach the lakefront.

She’s got them rowing, Macie at the head of the boat, smiling from ear to ear as Macie cheers their group on from the docks.

I should be happy that she can live her life normally, but all I can think about is what’s going to happen if the boat tips over...

If I can’t get to her in time.

“Justin can we put our life vests on?”

I barely hear him, don’t give the boys another look as I storm down the slope and across the dock to where Maxine stands.  “What the hell are you doing!”

Instead of glaring at me, she only flashes me a smug smile and crosses her arms. “Late again, Justin?”

“Fuck...who cares! We made a deal!” I throw my hands up in the air, feel my eyes growing wider as the rage presses harder inside of me.  “Get her out! Right now!”

“You’re here now, what difference does it make?”  She shrugs me off and turns back to the girls.  “That’s it Macie! Keep going!”

“I never said anything about putting her in a boat.”

She doesn’t look at me.  “You’re way too dramatic, you know that?  You need to let your sister enjoy her summer.”

I clutch the whistle hanging around my neck harshly for a moment, before raising it to my lips.  I blow hard, see my sister look at me from the middle of the lake.  Her smile fades, because she knows what’s coming next.  “Bring it in!” I yell, motioning to them with a wave of my arm.

“But Justin...” Macie begins.

“Now!”

I watch as she hangs her head low, and after several moments of listening to the other girls whining and groaning, they finally row the boat back up to the docks.  I race to the edge.  “Take my hand.” I thrust it in my sisters face as the other girls scramble out of the boat.

“I can get out by myself,” she whispers.

“I said take my hand.”

She stares up at me, a pathetic look on her face as she looks into my eyes.  She’s obviously upset about this, probably embarrassed too, but she won’t question me.

She wouldn’t dare.

I get her out of the boat, and kneel down to meet her level, unzipping her life vest and taking it off of her before speaking again.  “I want you to go back to the cabin.”  I stroke her hair gently and let out a small sigh.  “Okay?”

She slaps her hands down at her sides.  “But...but Justin, Maxine was showin’ me how to row.  It was fun.”

I lick my lips and hang my head low for a brief moment.  “I know...but...you know it’s not safe.”

“I was safe.  I had my vest on this time.”

I just shake my head.  I know if given the chance, she’ll start to talk about...everything.  We haven’t talked about it at all...ever, and I’m not getting into it here, that’s for sure.  “It doesn’t matter,” I say, darkly.  “You knew the rules, and you went against them.”

“But...”

“Go back to the cabin.”  I point behind me.  “We’ll talk about this later, okay?”

She hangs her head low.  “Okay.”

I rise to my feet and watch her trudge miserably back in the opposite direction, until her figure disappears over the horizon.  

“What was that?”

I turn.  Of course she’s standing there, expecting an explanation from me.  The only thing is, I won’t be giving her one.  “You know what it was.”  I walk away, back towards the boys who are getting the boat ready for the water.  

“You can’t do this!  She’s in my cabin!  That mean’s she’s my responsibility not yours!”

“She’s my sister.  I think I have more of a say in her summer than you do.”

“Fine, then we’ll see what Patrick has to say.”

“I’ll just send her home.  Then life will be easier for both of us.”

“You’d really do that?”

I shrug.  “Yeah. It’s not working out.”

She lets out a bitter laugh.  “You’re more self centered than I thought.  Come on girls!” She yells to them.  “Let’s go to the other side!”  She walks away, not hesitating to look back over her shoulder after a moment, so she can send me one final, dark look.

“Can we get in the boat now?”

I look at Michael.  He, like the rest of the boys, are growing impatient with me.  I smile at them, try to play it off like everything is cool.  “Sure.”

They all roll their eyes.  They’re not buying it.

They probably think I’m crazy by now.

And maybe I am.  I get them all situated in their life vests and help them down into the canoe, warning them not to take it beyond the buoys in the center of the lake, just so I can be within distance if something goes wrong.  They all seem thankful to get away from me, and I guess...I’m thankful to be alone now.  I sit down on the dock, and stare out at the lake, watching the boys row here and there.  Out in the distance I can see Max and the other girls, doing some kind of activity on the other side of the lake.  They’re having fun.

And I know Macie should be having fun with them.

But...God, just seeing her out there reminded me so much of Dawn.

How she smiled and laughed during those final moments before I...before I screwed everything up.

I thought I’d packed them that day...the life vests, but when we got to the lake, they weren’t in the trunk with the other things.  Me being me, I figured everything would be fine without them.  I was convinced that I was a great swimmer, and would be quick to react if something went wrong.  We’d been to that lake a thousand times, after all, and nothing close to bad had ever happened to me or the girls.

That day though...that day had been the exception.  The ultimate one.

I should have checked the boat more throughly, shouldn’t have relied on luck and good fortune to get us through the day.  Everything was going as it normally did by the time we reached the middle of the lake.  I stopped rowing us, and brought out the sandwiches and chips I’d packed for myself and the girls.  We laughed and ate, talked about what they were looking forward to the most when they went back to school.  Dawn was going out for varsity soccer.  She was always the athletic one.  The strong one.  A great swimmer.

But not great enough.

The clouds seemed to roll in from nowhere.  Then the thunder boomed, and it started to rain.  I started rowing as hard as I could back to shore, but the rain seeemed to pour down even harder on us and our little boat.  Soon...the wind had sent us swirling around, further and further away from salvation.  The girls were screaming, and I was doing the best I could to get us back to the docks.  I could see them, even though they were distant, and I began to pray that somebody would see our struggle and call for help.  

But nobody was there.  

The boat capsized several minutes later.  I clung to Macie, because I knew she would never make it otherwise, and yelled to Dawn to keep swimming...to keep her head out of the water.  The boat floated by and I clung to it, used all of my strength to push it over and get Macie back into it.  She was screaming at me then, asking me where Dawn was.  I turned my head quickly...

And I couldn’t see her anymore.

I thrashed around in the water, ducked under it a few times as I kept one hand clamped onto the boat.

She was just...gone.

They found her body down stream the next day.  Said she never had a chance without that life vest.

It was my fault.

It will always be.

And moving past it, well, that's just not an option.