Fort Lauderdale, Florida
September 11, 1999
It's their PPV concert taping and I'm so excited for them, proud beyond words. I have been up for a couple hours, unable to fall back asleep due to anticipation. Rooming with James and Justin is a bad idea, especially since their next few dates are cancelled for legal reasons.
Not my business to get into, but I hate that sick fuck they called Lou. They will get what they've worked so hard for, even if it means fighting tooth and nail.
I've been sitting on the bed James let me have last night, opting to sleep at the table. It's 5:15 in the morning and I'm the first one awake. Ok, so it's been an hour and a half. Who to wake how? I plot for the next 15, deciding on waking them both at the same time and scaring the shit out of them. I know, I'm so fucking mean. "Naked Playboy Bunnies!"
They sit upright, Justin bolting for the door and James repeating 'where?' as he searches. "You liar!" Justin yells after he closes the door, finger in my face as I laugh hysterically and without remorse.
I wipe a tear from my eye and catch my breath, smiling like The Joker from Batman. "I couldn't resist and I've been up forever," I explain.
Justin looks at James, both making 'of course' faces. "Which means at least an hour to an hour and a half," James explains.
"I'm hungry, too," I pout, kind of whining.
I know not to expect Justin to be nice right now, I just woke him out of a dead sleep for no reason. "Call room service," he snaps at me, motioning to the phone between our beds and falls back on my bed.
James has taken over the other one and Justin scoots up so his head is on my lap. James begins to snore lightly and Justin is soon passed out on me. "I didn't want to eat alone," I say to myself quietly. I think of something I haven't heard in a few years and recite it to myself, running my fingers through his curls.
"I've had my supper,
And had my supper,
And HAD my supper and all;
I've heard the story
Of Cinderella,
And how she went to the ball;
I've cleaned my teeth,
And I've said my prayers,
And I've cleaned and said them right;
And they've all of them been
And kissed me lots,
They've all of said "Good-night."
So - here I am in the dark alone,
There's nobody here to see;
I think to myself,
I play to myself,
And nobody knows what I say to myself;
Here I am in the dark alone,
What is it going to be?
I can think whatever I like to think,
I can play whatever I like to play,
I can laugh whatever I like to laugh,
There's nobody here but me.
I'm talking to a rabbit ...
I'm talking to the sun...
I think I am a hundred -I'm one.
I'm lying in a forest ...
I'm lying in a cave ...
I'm talking to a Dragon ...
I'm BRAVE.
I'm lying on my left side ...
I'm lying on my right ...
I'll play a lot tommorrow ....………………
I'll think a lot tomorrow…………
I'll laugh ........
a lot ..............
tomorrow .....
(Heigh-ho!)
Good-night."
Yes, I remember reading all the Pooh Bear books and I still have them all with the original covers. They are something I won't give up until they are put into one big book and even then, they'd be put away because my mom got them for me one year for Christmas and my birthday. Letting go of those are like not knowing James or anyone else I've met in the past couple years.
I sit back against the headboard and recite one more poem A.A. Milne had written for his son,
"When I was one I had just begun
When I was two I was nearly new
When I was three I was hardly me
When I was four I was not much more
When I was five I was just alive
But now I am six, I'm as clever as clever;
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever."
It's just a few hours before the show and we're backstage, laughing and hanging out. Justin and Chris are playing a game, James and I are perfecting his moves, Josh has a CD player on his chest and headphones over his ears, and Joey is on the phone with his mom. "I heard you recite those this morning," he tells me.
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah, your Neenee used to read them to you every night and when she didn't, Darren or I did."
I smile, doing the handspring for IWYB and facing him. "I have those still."
"Seriously?"
"Yes. 'Tearin' Up My Heart'?"
"Sure. Are they in Orlando?"
"Yes, they are." I start singing the words and we focus on the routine, James missing maybe three moves. "Pinball? You deserve it."
"PAC-Man like back home," he says, nodding at the machine I'm guessing he requested.
My face lights up and he smiles, knowing I miss being at the arcade back home on a Saturday afternoon. "I never said anything, how'd ya know?"
"I've only known you since you were yay high," he reminds me, holding his hand in front of himself, just below his belly button level.
"Yeah, whatever," I reply, rolling my eyes and shaking my head. "I don't have any quarters."
"I do," he says, yanking his bag off the table near us and pulls out a sandwich baggie filled with quarters, tossing his bag under the table. "We just get them back later, anyway." He shows me the new key on his key chain. "It goes to that machine."
"Sweet deal. Let's play!"
He places the bag of quarters on the machine and we play, going through level after level close to effortlessly.
We laugh at some of our luck against the ghosts and just as we lose our last life, Wade tells us there's an hour and a half before show time. He wants a dress rehearsal of all the tunes with moves, looking at me and saying I'm included because they focus better when I'm up there during rehearsals. "Come on," I whine.
"Go," he tells me, pointing in the direction of the stage.
I hang my head and slowly walk to the stage, joined by Wade and my guys a couple minutes later.
"Start with the first song with moves," he demands.
"Demanding today, aren't we?" I ask, facing him with my hands on my hips. He smiles, giving a quick nod and twirls his finger. I narrow my eyes at him and cross my arms. "I don't get paid for this shit."
"No, but Christmas is coming and for what we have planned it'll be well worth it." He points at the floor and twirls his finger again, a huge grin on his face.
I turn toward the guys slowly and am greeted with four grins mirroring Wade's, Josh's face is contorted in confusion. "You don't know what they have planned for me, do you?" I question, trying not to laugh at his look of bewilderment.
"No, I have no clue and I don't like it."
"You'd tell her," Justin says, clapping his hand to my brother's shoulder.
"Let's get through this," Chris says, resisting the urge to bounce around because of nervousness or excitement and then again, it might just be both.
We hammer it out and have half an hour left before show for them to relax. James and I curl up on the couch to take a nap, being woken up by Justin poking us. "We have five minutes before show time, get up."
"Alright," I respond, stretching. I shake James. "Get up, súile glas."
He groans, stretching and sitting up. He goes to change and hugs me after, on the way to hackey. They quickly get a hackey, only having to try three times. They hug me as they make their way to the stage, Lonnie and Derek accompany me to my third row seat.
The show was amazing, I danced with them and Justin kept winking at me. Lance and Josh kept smiling at me. The girl Justin singled out was a few rows in front of me. I decided on staying with Justin at his place in Orlando to unwind. We did more than unwind, but that's between he and I.
Question nothing I do, only ask why. I haven't spoken to Nick in five days and I go back tomorrow. I guess I have to call one of them, I admit to myself as I scroll through my contacts and select the first one I come across in my list. I press 'send' and pray I remain the only one up during my phone call. "Hello?" a groggy, most likely about to be mad second youngest member of the Boys answers his phone.
"Bone, hi."
"Who's this?" he says, yawning and obviously not entirely conscious.
"Jazz, Nick's girlfriend who's still very much pissed off at him."
"Oh, hey," he says, a stretching groan following it. "Nick has been out of his mind since you chewed him out."
"How so?" I ask, curious.
"He's been writing up a storm, waiting for you to call and talking to me and Brian about how to convince you that he cares, that's he's changing or has changed his ways. He wants to prove he's got his shit straight. He wants you to be with him for good."
"After that song? I'm not sure."
"I wouldn't be either, that was some pretty damn personal shit and far too detailed. I told him that before he saw you in NY and Aaron told him right after we recorded it. Brian and Howie tore him to shreds over it. Kevin told him to pray long and hard that you'd never hear it or before he had you listen to it," he explains.
"He expects me to forgive him that easily?"
"No, he is waiting for your 'eventually' to happen for your forgiveness. He has his cell on him at the highest volume possible at all times. It's kind of sad, actually."
"It might be a few days after I meet you guys in North Carolina," I inform him.
"You just want to watch him suffer," he accuses.
"Who? Me? No, never," I joke.
"You don't want to talk to him, then."
"Nope."
"Room with him?"
"I dunno."
"You come back tomorrow, decide tonight and let Howie or Kevin know. Nick has been acting so heartbroken."
"Sometimes people like Nick need tough love," I say.
"He has this nice dinner planned for you on our first day off," he tells me.
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