I jot down the lyrics that have been in my mind for the past month and smile, acknowledging that they are my true emotions. I never question what I write when it comes from my broken, bruised and battered heart. I had been cleared by the tour doc to perform on July 12 after he watched us rehearse. We broke the news to Brian, Howie and Kevin after the last show in Europe (August 7, according to that time zone). They didn't come to terms with it right away, it's still in the works and I'm spending needed time with my guys. Caylei is here, but she avoids me like the plague. I stay out of her way because she's just doing her job, I don't go to rehearsal to goof off anymore and I wait until she becomes frustrated with their stubbornness. She hits it quick when it comes to Oshai. "Oshai, stop being a pain!" I scold.
"You're the little sister, I'm supposed to correct your behavior!" he quips through clenched teeth.
"Sin an chaoi NACH bhfuil tú os cionn agus a bhuachan a croí, Oshai a fháil," I inform him, 'shining' my nails on his stolen Flyers basketball jersey.
"You little shit!" he responds, referring to my comment and that I have his jersey.
"I have someone else's from that game as well." I never let my eyes meet his, fully aware that he'd know in one millionth of a nano second and I don't want any of them knowing until it's beyond too late.
James looks at me as Justin blows my cover in code, "IcopkopNop," he rambles off.
James' green eyes bore into me and I yell. "Yes!"
"Bad idea."
"Shut it. My life, my heart and I can deal with it or come running to you five again."
My cell vibrates in my pocket and I see the text from one of the three guys I was hoping to hear from since we went our ways. 'Hey, Beautiful! How are you? You're on my mind like crazy! I miss you like mad. <3 you, Ickers.'
"Aww!" I coo from my post on the floor in the far corner.
I stop paying attention to their rehearsal and begin to pay attention to my phone, oblivious to the fact that Caylei and Wade are desperately vying for my focus by screaming my name.
"SAMANTHA MARILYN CHASEZ!!!" Oshai screams, his voice booming as it bounces off the walls and echoes.
My head snaps up and my ashamed pale jade-sky blue eyes meet seven pairs of very pissed off ones. "Sorry," I say, sounding mouse-like and tiny.
"I don't have time for you to be boy crazy or too involved in something not to hear us. Step it up or get the fuck out," Caylei bluntly tells me, shocking the other six.
"Caylei, she's my sister," Oshai defends, his shy eyes bouncing between us.
"She's my best friend," James confesses.
"She's a good friend," Chris tells her.
"I can talk to her about anything at all," Justin points out.
"She makes valid points when you're not around," Joey informs her.
"She helps keep us grounded," Wade agrees.
"I don't do that?!" she shouts, pointing to herself.
"You do, but it's when you're not around to. She's always been closest to Lance and will forever be JC's sister. She's a good person with an awesome heart of gold and is entirely selfless. We love her like we do you," Justin reinforces.
"Das ist verdammt bull shit! Sie verteidigen sie, aber nicht ich? Ich habe an Ihrer Seite seit dem ersten Tag und in einer Tour und eine Hälfte wurde, ersetzen Sie mich! Einige Freunde! Go to Hell!" she shouts, motioning to them and myself before storming off.
I look at James and he has a confused look on his face as do I. "I understood 'bull shit' and 'go to Hell', how about you guys?" I inquire.
They nod in agreement and Shortman shakes his head. "Ok, we have to rehearse for the VMAs. Get on point and focus!" he commands, dancers coming in and greeting us. He takes a head count and furrows his brow. "One short, huh."
"If it's just one performance, I can do it," I offer, the whole crew looking at me and I feel like I should have just shut the fuck up.
"In 3 weeks?" the youngest one asks me. I think his name was Camdon or something.
"You have no clue," Justin comments, smirking.
"She picked up all our dance moves in less than two weeks for the past tour," Oshai tells them proudly.
I roll my eyes and fall in line, not sure of where. Wade grips my shoulders moving me to the empty dancer's spot, smiling as he mouths 'thank you' & 'I owe you big time' as he backs away before turning to face the wall mirrors. "This is a remix for TUMH, so be on your toes. There are smooth moves and pop & lock moves. I'll go through the routine twice before having you try on your own," he warns, pushing a button on a remote to cue the track.
I watch the 1st time, join him the second and outshine most of everyone else (Oshai and Justin don't count, MMC). It's broken down throughout the day and I keep improving my accuracy for each move, everyone else slowly catching up to the three of us. One of the girls mutters something along the lines of 'who does this bitch think she is?'
"I just ended a tour with the Boys and this is a favor to save them time looking for another dancer before that time, saving them from embarrassment for a botched routine. I know how those feel and they suck, regardless of if I'm performing or not," I say loud enough for all the dancers to hear and clear enough to understand.
"If you have a problem with anyone we've known personally longer than we have you, tough cookies," James says, ensuring the clarity of his message.
They all remain silent, obviously having nothing else to say and we return to the VMA routine rehearsal. It's wrapped up by 9, giving me enough time to talk to him before he falls asleep.
~~~~~
"Hey, hon," I coo, laying on a couch in the dance studio with a smile on my face.
"Hunh."
"Ickers, it's me."
"Jazzabee?" he asks, still half asleep.
"Yes," I confirm.
"My beautiful baby," he groans, probably stretching. "I wish you were here."
"I do too, but I have this tour to do and I have to take it seriously."
"I know," he whines.
"I need this."
"I get it."
I sigh and I feel torn between my job and my boyfriend. "I miss you."
"I love you."
I close my eyes and allow the tears fall silently down my cheeks from my eyes. "Love you too."
"What, Aaron?" I hear his brother talk to him for a few seconds. "Babe, do you feel like talking to my brother?"
"Sure, yeah," I say.
"Hey! How are rehearsals? What's Christina like? Are you having any fun?"
"Acey, hi. Rehearsals are just like yours or Nick's." I roll onto my side, resting my cell on my head so I can still talk to him. "She's a nice person and very sweet. I've gone out and had a little fun."
"Oh, cool."
"I don't think I feel the same about your brother as before."
"Oh?"
"Only time will tell."
"True, Sam."
"Catch me later?"
"I'll email you."
"Love ya, kid," I say with a smirk.
"Love you too."
Nick grabs his phone and I hear him going through his dresser, looking for something. "Where is it?" he repeats again and again.
"Where's what?"
"Th… Found it. Are you staying in LA to rehearse for another week?"
"Send it to Kitana, goofball."
"Text me her address later, please."
I hear Christina call my name and tell him I have to go, hanging up as fast as I can. I text James as I slowly walk into the room, silencing my phone before dropping it in my bag and getting into formation. "You almost got in deep with Jamison," she tells me.
I roll my eyes and hear the track begin to play, snapping us into routine instantly. I'm also in her upcoming video 'Come On Over', so we need these moves seriously drilled into our heads. I danced for her in 'What A Girl Wants', having filmed it before I left for tour with the Boys. The first video with her was done incognito, nobody else knew and they haven't said anything about it. No, I didn't care to share with anyone. We drill the video version in so much, I could probably do it in my REM sleep.
I'm not even thinking of anything but that video and then the VMAs. The VMAs because of the two performances for the Boys and my guys. The last time I had seen my guys was a few days ago, I miss them like crazy. I have been prepping for the tour with Christina off and on since August 13, taking breaks to see the eleven guys in my life (friends, family and confidantes). I head back to my hotel to pack the little bit of what I have to head out to see my guys before going to Florida to see the other six (counting Aaron of course). Ten hours of rehearsal, the main focus of which being on the sequence for the upcoming shoot. As I head to my room, I dial someone who can make me laugh at the drop of a hat and I need it at this very moment. "Blue Ball's pool hall, 8 ball speaking," he greets me with his southern accent.
I laugh, eliciting an odd look to come from Jeremy (my personal security personnel) and causing me to laugh harder. "Thanks, Timbs. Just what I needed."
"Is that all I'm good for now?"
"No, I wanted to talk to you anyway. You're such a punk ass."
"You love the Timber-"
"Fake!" Chris shouts.
"Flake!" Joey yells.
"Steak!" James jokingly says, most likely leaning toward the phone.
"Baked!" Josh announces, nowhere near him from the sound of his voice. I know what that was about, at least I think I do. He's being overly protective again.
"You plan on coming to see us?" Justin asks.
"Yes, for a few days and then it's Orlando with me."
"But, we miiiiissssssseeeedddd yoooooouuuuu," he whines, making me giggle.
"I've missed you guys too."
"Good. So when do you leave for 'Lando?"
"The fifth."
"It's the 27th!"
"Of September, nerd ball!" I loudly remind him.
"Which stop are you meeting us at?"
"Charlotte, NC."
"How long will it have been between visits?"
"Just under three days," I confirm as I load my gym and duffel bags, putting him on speaker. I place my cell down and continue to pack my shit to catch the plane that leaves in less than three hours. I spoke to James via text and Lonnie agreed to fly out to NC to meet me (and Jeremy) at the airport, to escort us safely to the hotel. The three of us will await the arrival of the boys and try to have a good time if they're not there by the time I get there from NYC. I don't have to be on the road to tour until September 17 in Charlotte, NC as well. I land in Florida around 2pm the sixth, go to the VMAs with Nickolas, go back to see my guys for a few more days, fly back to 'Lando for the 15th and stay with those five until the end of the US leg of the Millennium Tour (December 6, 1999 in Fort Lauderdale). Wish me luck, sanity wise. I survived round one of the chaoticness people call touring with the Boys. After that, I spend another 34 days on the road with them and then I get another break to tour with Christina. I join the Boys after the end of her tour for February 3 or 4, 2001 in NY. All breaks from her tour are being spent with my guys, not counting the 3rd one and that's the one with the Boys (more for Nick than the other four). Originally, I was going to join them at the start of the next one, but Christina asked me to be on her Psykoblast tour that starts next year and to be in WAGW video that lead to me being in ITTY and COO (AIWIY) videos. In ITTY, I was the girl who got into the accident and it was done in a couple shots. How could I turn her down?
"I can't wait to see you again, it feels like it's been absolutely forever."
We chat about what we can do and what not to do, mainly about what gets on Caylei's final nerve. I don't intend on pissing her off. As I finish packing my shit, I hang up and reassure him that I will see him sooner than he thinks. Off to see my guys in North Carolina for a little bonding time while I enjoy my break with them.
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