"I can't keep hurting you like this."
"It hurts more than you'll ever know," she tells me, curled to me like we do every morning.
"I won't make you choose, I'm just as guilty as you."
"Yours is hidden better, not as obvious as my faults." I weave my fingers in her hair.
I get up to grab my phone, sitting on the couch in our suite. I look at my phone like it's foreign before going into my contact list, highlight my current girlfriend's number. "I should've chosen back then," I mutter to myself.
"I'm going to take a shower and then I want to call a meeting between us, Johnny and the other Boys. Howie and Kevin have news for us. Something important. We have to decide on when to tell them," she announces, walking to stand in front of me and I hug her waist before I let her kiss me.
I nod. "Ok, I'll figure it out."
"I'm thinking of taking a bath first."
"Use the cucumber melon bath salt I got you."
"Mmm."
She grabs her boom box, case of CDs, clothes, shoes (she loves her camo DCs), and shower shit, heading across the suite to the bathroom. Once she closes the door and I hear her music, I press the 'send' key to call the other girl in my life. "Hey, baby."
"Cay, we need to talk. Do you have time right now?"
"Yeah, we just called a break." I heard the smile fade from her voice.
"Good. I think we should see other people."
"What? Why? What did I do? What didn't I do? Is it because of someone else? Tell me!" she rambles. She does this when she's nervous and even more so when she's mad.
I roll my eyes and sit back against the couch. "I just don't feel the same. We can remain friends and civil." I just said the words I'd hate to hear from a girl's mouth, I want to kick my ass myself.
"Friends?! Are you insane?"
"Let's agree to be civil when we run into one another, then."
"Fuck that! Forget I exist and I'll do the same."
"Don't be like this."
"Why not?" she snaps, making me feel like scum.
"I don't want to fight with you. If you ever need someone to talk to or whatever, you know I won't say no."
"Nick, this is stupid."
"We weren't meant to be." Jazz's words.
"Trust me when I say that I'll find out the true reason soon enough," she growls at me, hanging up right after.
"Shit," I say, throwing my cell across the room and hear it hit a wall a room away from me. I just broke up with Caylei for Jazz, hope it works out for the best because I don't plan on dating anyone else other than these two women. I've played them both for about a year and almost got caught, that's not counting Aaron. That little shit caught us almost 4 months ago, he has yet to say anything to anyone. AJ's known since January, when I put this into motion after he pulled her aside to ask and she told me that he and Fatima are aware. Fatima might tell Caylei soon and I'm not risking anything. A good chunk of time slips away as I stare off into space and think about the things coming up, relationships I've had and what my friends and family might think.
Her words sink in:'I'm just as guilty as you.' Jazz does have a valid point and it makes sense, more than most of the time since we first talked. I fell for her before meeting her, but was scared to ask her out and I know she fell harder than I had. I love her giggles and laugh, she dances so sensually, and she is always going, in motion. I love her style, her smile, her mind, her hair, her scent and I love everything about her. Every time Jazzabee has ever gotten near me, I forget everything but her and I go crazy internally.
A knock at the door violently yanks me back to the here and now, AJ entering and looking at me. He closes the door and folds his arms over his chest, looking pissed. "I almost told her," he quietly tells me, nodding in the direction of the bathroom.
If he wasn't wearing his trademark glasses, I could read his emotions. I can tell he's pissed by his stance. I look at the floor and then back at him. "I just broke it off with Cay."
"She's going to be the one you go back to after this one walks away."
"She won't leave."
"You never know, man. She's been hurting inside and hiding it from everyone but me."
"Does she say why?"
His head moves from right to left, a sigh escaping from his lips. "She never does, but I can tell. I can read her better."
"She doesn't wear emotions on her sleeves anymore."
"You need to pay more attention to her body language, her eyes even hide it."
I lean forward and begin to rub the back of neck, thinking. "How do I handle this? What if somebody finds out?"
"I'm lost."
"The transition from Cay to Jazz, unfaithfulness."
"Dude, by the time a year goes by, both girls will have figured you out and it's going to take her to talk to Cay. You're screwed and it's not going to be because of your brother or sisters. I won't say anything until after the fact."
"You're renigging?" I ask, getting to my feet.
"Nah, just if anybody asks after she rats on you," he holds his hands out to his side and shrugs, nonverbally saying I'm screwed.
I sigh, running my hand through my hair as I place my other one on my hip. "Right. Howie said something about a meeting?"
"Yeah, tonight after the show."
"Ok, yeah."
"Johnny's outside," AJ informs me, walking to the door.
"What?"
"You heard, fluffy."
I gained a little weight and he picks on me. "Tell him to come by in an hour?"
"Sure," he says, flicking his wrist.
Jazz got out of the shower and I just held her close for awhile, appreciating my chance. I'm in Stockholm with the Boys & Jazz and we have interviews today.
Sure, Caylei was there through the court case with douche bag Lou, but I was calling Jazz to keep her updated and IMing her on Yahoo. Caylei was there in every way, just not sexually and I could only take so much of it before turning to someone else. I have more needs than I care to admit to and Jazz could always take care of all of them, I can't fuck this up again.
Johnny knocks three times before entering and I realize she's asleep on me, snoring. I was so concentrated and sucked into my thoughts that I didn't realize it. I put my finger to my lips to sign Johnny to be quiet, pointing to her and the bedroom before getting up to lay her on the bed. I come back out to the living room and sit with Johnny. "What's up?" I ask.
"I know you two have been messing around this whole tour, but haven't said anything. What's going on?"
"I broke up with Caylei and I'm probably going to start dating Jazz," I tell him, rubbing my eyes with the heels of my hands and yawning.
"What are you going to say during these interviews?"
"That Caylei and I have split up due to work schedules and I'm single, but not looking."
"Then when they see you with her on your arm, laughing all the time, the media is going to have a field day with it."
"I know. For the unofficial record I've been with Jazz for the past three weeks," I tell him, swallowing the lump in my throat.
"You're telling me that you've been dating two girls in two different countries at the same exact time for the past three weeks?"
"That's exactly what I'm saying."
"Nick, why would you risk your image like that?" he asks, obviously heated.
"I love Jazz and I love Caylei."
"You can't love both."
"Why not?"
"It's not how love works." He shakes his head and rubs the top of his head.
"When is the next public appearance in the States?"
"The VMAs, why does that matter?"
"I wanted to let Jazz know."
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