Busta Rhymes was blaring from six huge speakers as Chris rapped along to the music.  He was half buried in his closet, surrounded by clothes, shoes, records, papers, and other junk, trying to make some sense out of the madness.  On break from touring, Chris had devoted the day to cleaning his neglected house, but he hadn’t anticipated the huge amount of time it would take or all of the long forgotten things he would find.

“Here’s my other Nike!” Chris exclaimed, throwing the shoe on the bed near its mate.  “Damn, I’ve been looking for that.” 

He turned back to the closet, reaching way in the back, amazed that he was finally nearing the end.  His hands groped in the darkness and connected with a rectangular object.  Pulling out a heavy shoebox, Chris slowly lifted the lid.

“What the…” he whispered.

As if in a trance, Chris stood up and absentmindedly turned off the stereo, clutching the box close to his body.  He sank sown slowly on his bed, reaching for his glasses, his eyes still glued to the box.

It can’t be, he thought.  He’d thrown all this away months ago, trying to rid his life of every reminder of her.  But the evidence of their time together, their relationship, and their broken love was staring him in the face, the box in his lap providing the physical proof.

Chris felt his heart twist in pain as he began to sift through the memories.  Pictures, letters, cards.  All pieces of a past life, one that Chris yearned to forget but could never escape.  He felt like he had just been slapped in the face with it.

“Oh God, Gracie,” he cried painfully.  Chris stood quickly, the box and all its contents spilling to the floor.  His fists were clenched tightly as he looked at the scattered memories, the mementoes significant to every special moment that he and Gracie had shared.  Now they were in disarray, strewn about and unorganized, just like his life had felt since she had left.

On the outside, Chris had lived the perfect life of a famous pop star.  He had smiled for the cameras, cracked jokes at the interviews, sung his heart out on stage, and signed more autographs for fans than he ever thought was possible.  But on the inside, he was a mess.  No one had ever made him feel the way Gracie had, and with her gone, Chris didn’t know how to go on, how to be truly happy, or how to love again.  Sometimes when he thought of her, he felt like he didn’t even know how to breath anymore, that life without Gracie was no longer worth the effort. 

He was half a man now, living in a daze, going about his life with a sense of detachment, not feeling or caring deep inside.  The emptiness was beginning to eat away at his soul.  Chris knew that that he never could truly live again unless Gracie was back in his life.  And going back to the way things were would take no less than a miracle.

* * * * * * * *

Baby set me free

From this misery

I can’t take it no more

Since you went away

Nothing’s been the same

Don’t know what I’m living for

* * * * * * * *

Chris sighed deeply and bent down to pick up the mess, throwing things quickly into the shoebox.  The faster he could get them out of his sight, meant he was closer to the time when he might be able to clear his mind of Gracie. 

His eyes rested on a picture of him and Gracie, and his hand reached hesitantly to pick it up.  It had been taken on the best day of Chris’s life, the day he had realized how much he loved Gracie and learned that she felt the same.  The photo had captured the feeling of the day perfectly.  They had been so full of life and love, their smiles and eyes speaking the words that their hearts had just professed.  Chris ran his finger lightly over the image of Gracie’s beautiful face.  It seemed like a lifetime ago.

Letting the picture drop into the box, Chris buried his head in his hands as he sunk to the floor.  He had never missed her more than he did right now.  Even through all the long, lonely months of touring and trying to think of anything but Gracie, he had never felt so broken and defeated.  Chris struggled to take a breath as his eyes filled with tears.  The one true love of his life was no longer the stability and support that he needed so greatly, the one that he wanted back in his life so desperately.

* * * * * * * *

Here I am

So alone

And there’s nothing in this world I can do

* * * * * * * *

Grabbing a small black box from among the letters and pictures, Chris shoved it in his pocket.  He stood up and left his bedroom, hoping that distance from the physical reminders might help clear his mind and mend his heart.  But she never left his thoughts.  He wandered downstairs and out the back door, settling into a lawn chair on the deck.  Gazing at the immense backyard, he remembered the conversation he and Gracie had had a while back, sitting on the same porch.

“I’m so lucky to have found you, Grace,” Chris whispered into her ear, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist from behind.  They sat together on a lawn chair, observing the excitement surrounding them, the kids screaming and running around, and the adults talking and laughing together.  Everyone was so happy and enjoying the birthday party that Chris was throwing for his little sister, Taylor.

Gracie squeezed Chris closer and smiled up at him.  “Me too, babe.”  She had never felt more content, her life finally seemed to be falling into place.  All because of Chris.

“Hey, Chris?”

“Hmm?”

“Couldn’t you imagine little Kirkpatricks of our own running around here someday?  A little girl with my good looks and a little boy with your charm?”

Chris’s eyes widened in surprise.  “You totally read my mind.  Whoa… heavy stuff huh?”

Gracie laughed.  “Yeah, but I was just thinking about how much I love you and how I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

“I love you too, Gracie.  Someday… it’ll be just like you imagine.”

A few days after the party, Chris had bought the most beautiful engagement ring, one that he knew Gracie would love.  He planned on asking her to be his wife, waiting only for the perfect opportunity.

But it never came, because of a night full of mistakes.  A night that Chris would never forgive himself for.

Standing up, Chris shoved his hands in his pockets and skipped down the steps, walking toward the man-made lake that his property backed up to.  That night had been the beginning of the end and the reason that Gracie had left.  His mistakes, his lies.  They had blinded Gracie so that she could no longer see Chris’s true feelings.  But he couldn’t blame anyone but himself.  He was the reason she had left and to this day he only wished that he could somehow show her how truly sorry he was and how much he still loved her.

* * * * * * * *

Until you’re back here, baby

Miss you, want you, need you so

Until you’re back here, baby

There’s a feeling inside, I want you to know

You are the one, and I can’t

Let you go

* * * * * * * *

Joey had thrown a party at a local club in celebration of his and Justin’s birthdays.  Because of work related duties, Gracie hadn’t been able to attend, but *NSYNC and their friends and family showed up in full force to pay tribute to the two group members.

Exhausted from the band’s legal troubles and a tough studio schedule, Chris found himself alone at the bar, indulging in drink after drink, hoping to numb his worries.  He was in a wonderful mood and quite far gone when Joey introduced him to an old friend from New York.  She was a beautiful girl, and the last thing Chris remembered that night was being led to the dance floor by Joey’s friend.

As he strolled along the lakeshore, Chris kicked at a rock at his feet.  He had racked his brain so many times before, trying to recall anything at all from the party or the hours following.  But his memory was blank.  Nothing came back to him.

Chris picked up a stone and hurled it into the water as hard as he could.  Thoughts of his faults were making him angry all over again, and he threw rock after rock, letting his aggressions out on the water.

While the night remained a mystery, the next morning was all too clear in his mind.  He felt sick to his stomach just thinking about it, a sensation that never failed to return.

Chris awoke slowly and groaned at the small amount of light filling the room that made his head pound.  He felt as if someone had taken a sledgehammer to his brain.  Squinting from the light, Chris looked around the unfamiliar room and wondered where he was.  Flashbacks of the friendly bar tender and loud music from Joey’s party filled his mind as he rolled over, wishing silently that he could sleep his monster of a hangover off.

Movement in the bed next to him caused Chris’s eyes to fly open.  Seeing a strange woman sleeping not a foot away, Chris sat up quickly, his mind reeling as he tried to recall the events of the past night.  He climbed out of the bed, almost falling from dizziness, not sure of who the girl was or what had happened, only sure that he had to get as far away from her as possible.  Stumbling through a door that led to a small bathroom, Chris closed the door and doubled over in pain as his stomach churned.

He remembered the girl, vaguely.  A friend of JC’s, or maybe Joey’s.  But he had no recollection of how he’d ended up in bed with her.  Chris held his pounding head in is hands as the idea crept slowly into his mind, though he tried to push it out.

No, he thought.  That couldn’t have happened.  But the situation was too incriminating to assume that nothing had happened.  He couldn’t remember anything because he had been so drunk, and he could only imagine the worst.

Oh God, I slept with her.  Her.  He didn’t even know who she was and to think that he had just spent the night doing God knows what made Chris sick.  Coughing, he leaned over the toilet and threw up. 

Sweat now running down his face, all Chris could think about was getting home.  He wanted crawl into his bed and escape this nightmare with a bottle of aspirin and sleep.  As he began to move back toward the bedroom, Chris was hit with the vision of Gracie.

No.  No!  Gracie, what have I done?  Chris was almost ill again as he remembered his girlfriend, his love, his life.  The woman who trusted him more than anything.  He had let himself slip into a drunken stupor and lost control.  And while he had no recollection of the actual events of the night before, he knew deep down that the damage had been done.  He had betrayed her, alcohol or no, and it was something he would have to live with for the rest of his life.

Chris drew in sharp breaths, his chest tight and his stomach in knots.  Tears threatened to overflow from his eyes and his head was spinning.  This wasn’t right.  How had he let this happen?  It would kill Gracie if she knew. And Chris realized right then that she could never find out.  She meant too much to him.  He couldn’t lose her now.

Quietly, Chris moved back into the bedroom and pulled on his clothes promising himself that Gracie would never know the pain of his infidelity.  It was his alone to bear and it was for the best.  They could get on with their lives and be happy together.  Chris gathered his things together and glanced once more at the woman still sleeping, vowing to forget this night had ever happened, even though he wasn’t sure of what had passed.

* * * * * * * *

So I told you lies

If I made you cry

Baby, I was so wrong

Girl I promise you

Now my love is true

This is where my heart belongs

* * * * * * * *

The days following that night had been a blur to Chris.  He had tried to piece together the events, still unsure of what had happened or who the girl even was.  It was Joey who finally told him the truth, something that he had never really wanted to hear.

The woman had been an old friend of Joey’s from high school.  Celeste.  A name that haunted Chris every day.  After dancing for a couple hours and more drinking, Chris had left with Celeste, telling Joey that she was taking him home.  That was the last that anyone knew for sure, and all Chris remembered was waking up next to Celeste. 

He didn’t tell anyone about what had happened.  The guys never knew and Chris avoided Gracie as best he could, making up excuses about work and projects that couldn’t wait.  Lies… one after another, until his life became founded on them.  And Gracie had no clue.

* * * * * * * *

Cause here I am

So alone

And there’s nothing in this world I can do

* * * * * * * *

Staring out at the lake, Chris wondered how he had let his life get so out of control.  Keeping secrets from Gracie was harder than he had expected.  They had always been so honest and open with each other and Chris’s new reserved personality wore down their relationship.  Gracie wasn’t sure what to think of the distance between the couple.  But no amount of talking would fix the unspoken problems.  Chris had watched his relationship crumble before his eyes and had made no attempts to save it.

He thought of the numerous times that Gracie had tried to figure out what was wrong, the complete effort she put into trying to make things work.  She knew all along that something was different, and the many opportunities that Chris had to come clean with his mistakes went unanswered.  If only he had told her, if only he had been honest.  So many regrets and broken promises.

The deceit went on until Chris could no longer stand it.  He had to tell Gracie before it ate him up completely, before they lost everything.  Maybe being honest would fix their failing relationship.  Chris could only hope that she would understand. 

He went home one night to find Gracie at his house, waiting for him.  From the moment he stepped foot in the door, he could feel the tension, the complete change in her.  He immediately feared the worst.

“Hi, Hon,” Chris said, walking up to Gracie and kissing her cheek.  She was leaning against the counter in the kitchen, her arms crossed, and made no movement to greet Chris.

“Chris,” she said coldly. 

Chris heart began to pound so hard in his chest that he thought for sure that Gracie could hear it.  Her aloof manner could only mean one thing, and Chris braced himself for the worst. 

Gracie spoke lowly, her eyes never leaving Chris as he moved around the kitchen, pulling a beer out of the fridge.  “Who’s Celeste?”

Chris’s back was turned to Gracie and he froze.  She knew.  After all this time, she knew.  How could he possibly explain?

“Celeste?  Uh, let’s see,” Chris said nervously, popping the top open to his beer.  He turned around slowly to face Gracie, but avoided her eyes, studying the can in his hand.    “I don’t know anyone named Celeste.”

“Don’t lie to me, Christopher!” Gracie said sharply.

Chris’s head snapped up and he finally met Gracie’s eyes.  They were full of feelings that Chris had never before seen in her.

“I just got off the phone with a Celeste.  She asked for you and apparently she knows you.  Knows you very well, as a matter of fact.  What the hell is going on Chris?”

Looking at Gracie, Chris didn’t recognize the woman before him.  Her eyes were blazing with no sign of affection or love.  Her body was rigid, waiting.  Anticipating the destructive words that would come from Chris’s mouth.  Chris’s breath caught in his throat.  It wasn’t supposed to happen like this.  He had wanted to explain, to break it to her gently.  But now she knew and he could no longer avoid the truth.

Chris set his beer on the counter and leaned on his elbows, putting his head in his hands.  The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Gracie, but there was no turning back. 

“It happened months ago, Grace.”  Chris took a deep breath, not wanting to look at Gracie, knowing that she would be a picture of pain.  “I met her at Joey’s birthday party.  I was drunk.  We danced, she offered to bring me home and… I… I can’t remember anything from the rest of the night.”

“What happened, Chris?” Gracie whispered, her voice choked with tears.

The pain in her voice made Chris’s heart ache, and he finally raised his head to find her eyes brimming with tears, her face full of hurt.  Chris’s eyes began to tear as well.

“I don’t know,” Chris said quietly.  “I was drunk, Gracie.  All I remember is…” Chris nearly choked on the words that he hoped he would never have to say.  “I woke up in her bed.  I don’t know how I got there or what happened…”

Tears were streaming down Gracie’s face as she sank to the floor.  Chris rushed to her side, wanting to take away the pain, wanting to explain.

“It was nothing to me, Gracie.  Nothing.  I don’t even remember anything, and it wasn’t something that I would have done had I been sober.”  Chris moved to comfort Gracie, his hand barely brushing her arm when she jerked her body away from him and stood up quickly.

“Don’t Chris.”  She began to back away from Chris, not wanting to be near him, needing to escape his touch, which no longer felt right.  In a matter of minutes, Gracie’s world had crumbled. Her heart felt like it might stop beating.  The man she loved, the man she trusted with everything she was had betrayed her.  She felt broken inside, battered.

Chris knew that there was nothing more to say, nothing that could make things better.  The damage had been done, and the Gracie he had once known and loved was now gone.  Before him stood a woman who he had hurt beyond repair.  It showed in her eyes, on her face, in the way she hugged her body as if in physical pain. 

“Gracie, I’m sorry.  I never meant for this to happen.  I’m so sorry.”  Chris was now sobbing, his heart breaking again as Gracie’s beautiful face distorted in anger.

“You’re sorry?” Gracie cried, her body shaking from the forthcoming tears.  “Sorry?  Chris, I trusted you.  I loved you with all my heart and this is what I get.  You broke that trust, whether you remember it or not.”

“I was stressed from recording and from the legal troubles so I had a few drinks,” Chris tried to explain.

“Yeah, and look what that led to.  God, Chris I was so blind.  For months, I’ve been trying to fix this, fix us.  And for what?  To have this thrown in my face.  Betrayal.  And lies.  You lied to me.  You said nothing was wrong, that you were fine.”  She shook her head.  “You lied for so long.”

“Gracie, I didn’t want to hurt you.”  Chris knew that trying to make Gracie understand his reasoning was now futile.  But he loved her with everything he was, mistakes or no.  

“Oh, and you think this doesn’t?  Chris, I thought you loved me.  Is this any way you treat someone you love?”  Gracie looked at Chris, her emotions torn and her mind reeling in disgust.  This wasn’t the man she had fallen in love with.  She had never expected him to cheat, to lie.  Gracie wiped a few fallen tears off of her cheek and sighed.  The anger was fading, but her heart continued to cry out in pain.  Never before had she been so hurt.

“I do love you, and I’m sorry, Gracie.  I love you with all my heart,” Chris pleaded.  “Please believe me.”

“I don’t know what to believe anymore, Chris.”

Chris wiped tears from his cheek that he hadn’t even realized he’d shed.  She had left that night, never to come back.  It hurt him just thinking about their broken love, but it hurt even more to remember Gracie’s reaction, her feelings.  Her feelings for Chris had vanished and were replaced with resentment and disgust.  The things she said and way she looked that night were memories that Chris wished he didn’t have to relive over and over again.  He still loved Gracie, and always would.  She was a part of him.

* * * * * * * *

Until you’re back here, baby

Miss you, want you, need you so

Until you’re back here, baby

There’s a feeling inside, I want you to know

You are the one, and I can’t

Let you go

* * * * * * * *

Making his way to the small dock that sat on the edge of the lake, Chris wondered if things could have ended differently.  He always toyed with the “if onlys,” imagining things as they should have been.  If only he hadn’t been drunk… if only he hadn’t gone home with Celeste… if only he’d told Gracie.  If only he could change the past.

For all the time he spent thinking of Gracie, Chris wondered if she still thought of him.  Did she recall the good days, the days when their love had been so true?  Or could she hardly bear to hear his name, the thought of him bringing back painful memories?  Chris would never know, but he could go on hoping that somewhere deep inside, Gracie still knew that Chris loved her, and that she felt the same.

* * * * * * * *

And I wonder

Are you thinking of me

Cause I’m thinking of you

And I wonder

Are you ever coming back in my life

Cause here I am

So alone

And there’s nothing in this world I can do

* * * * * * * *

Pulling the small box from his pocket, Chris studied it intently, letting all the memories of Gracie, good and bad, become muddled in his head.  There was a time when his life had been perfect, but it was long gone.  A night of mistakes, and a bundle of lies had ruined the best thing that Chris had ever experienced.  He would always hope that Gracie would come back to him, but in reality, he knew that it could never be.  The damage had been done, the lies uttered, the trust broken, and the love tarnished.

He could blame no one but himself.  He had been unfaithful, he had ruined the relationship.  And he would go on, hardly living his life, constantly reminded of his faults, and loving Gracie all the while.  His love would never change.

As Chris opened the box, the sunlight caught on the huge diamond as it sparkled brightly.  The beautiful ring, a symbol of his love for Gracie, a love that would go on forever in his heart.  Only in life had it ended. 

Taking the ring out of its setting in the box, Chris held it between his thumb and pointer finger, letting the light play off the large stone.  The one it was meant for would never wear it, and Chris didn’t want it to be worn by anyone else.  He tossed the ring in the air, and watched it fall into the water.  It sank slowly and disappeared, just as Gracie’s love for him had.  His dreams of a happy life were now at the bottom of the lake, because without Gracie, Chris knew that his life would never be as it should.

* * * * * * * *

Until you’re back here, baby

Miss you, want you, need you so

Until you’re back here, baby

There’s a feeling inside, I want you to know

You are the one, and I can’t

Let you go

* * * * * * * *