I just keep going round and round

And round in circles, keep on tumbling down

I couldn't sleep.

For the past six hours I had been replaying that encounter I'd had at the grocery story.  Varying degrees of astonishment, horror, and anxiety had been plaguing me since I'd left him standing there with my phone number hastily written on his hand.  I mean, who did that?  Who wrote their phone number on the hand of the celebrity they've been in love with half their life?  Me.  That's who. 

I still couldn't believe I'd done it.  It was like somebody else had possessed my body in those few moments and forced me to do something I would never had done otherwise.  I was amazed at my brazen attitude.  I was horrified of what he thought of me for doing it, and I was so nervous I hadn't even been able to eat that damn cupcake for fear that he would actually call me.  What was I going to say?  How in the world do you come back from something like that?  Would we just laugh it off, or had I forever ruined whatever chance I might have had with him?

I groaned as I finally flung my covers back and got out of bed.  I knew I wasn't going to be getting any sleep tonight.  The one good thing about the evening's events: I was no longer stressed about how my interview had gone.  I made my way down the hall to the kitchen.  Making myself a cup of chamomile tea I opened the sliding down out to my third floor balcony and slipped outside.  I sat down in the low, wicker chair I kept out there, pulled my feet up beneath me, and closed my eyes.  Lifting the mug in my hands, I inhaled slowly letting the fragrant steam calm my senses as the sounds of the city surrounding me filled my ears.  I took a sip of the warm liquid and opened my eyes.  The lights of downtown twinkled.  It was a sight I had fallen in love with my first night here. 

I let my mind and body relax as I continued to sip my tea and just enjoyed the moment.  I found myself offering up a prayer, asking for some guidance.  Was I doing the right thing?  Was this truly where I was supposed to be, or was I just being stubborn and prideful?  Maybe I just needed to admit defeat and go home. 

I sat, holding my tea mug with both hands close to my face and staring out into the night.  I hoped Mr. Walker called me tomorrow.  I was afraid of what it would mean if he didn't.  I felt like this was my last chance.  All my hopes were resting on this job. 

Maybe Justin could give me a job.

I laughed out loud at the ridiculous thought.  Why in the world would Justin Timberlake want to give a crazy fan, who had attacked him at the grocery store, a job?  I set my mug down on the small table beside my chair and scrubbed my hands over my face.  Forget about him.  I told myself.  If he were going to call me, he would have done it by now.  You had your chance.  Obviously we weren't perfect for each other, or he wouldn't have wasted any time taking me up on my offer.  He was probably enjoying that bottle of wine with someone else right now. 

I groaned at the thought of another woman sharing "our" bottle of wine with him. 

That run-in we'd had was not helping the crazy attraction I'd always had for the guy.  The fantasies I'd harbored since junior high suddenly took on a life of their own.  It was one thing to dream about someone you'd never met, and knew you probably never would.  It was quite another when you did meet him and he turned out to be just as irresistibly delicious as you always knew he would be.

I groaned and drug myself up, out of the chair, and back inside.  I had to try and force all these thoughts from my head and get some sleep.  Four am was going to be here before I knew it and I would be having to get up for my morning shift.  Somehow I had to just let everything go.  There was nothing I could do about either situation I was currently stressing out about.  They were both over and done with.  I couldn't take anything back.  I just had to live with the consequences either way.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You will never believe who just came through the drive-thru!"

I groaned as April, one of the barristas I worked with exclaimed as I drug myself into the store the next morning.  My plans to put my thoughts and stress aside and get some sleep didn't work.  I tossed and turned until my alarm went off forty-five minutes ago.  It was going to be a long day. 

"Who?" I asked, as I poured myself a cup of our house blend.  I took a sip, then closed my eyes and inhaled the steam hoping the caffeine kicked in quickly.

"JC Chazez." April squealed.  "You know, the guy from NSYNC?"

 You'll never guess who I ran into at the grocery store last night.  I thought. 

"I've been working here for two weeks, and this is my first star encounter!" April continued excitedly.  "I love him.  I can't believe I actually served him coffee!"

I struggled not to let my irritation with the girl show as she continued to gush about her encounter.  Don't get me wrong, I thought April was adorable, and we actually got along great, but her perky personality was just grating this morning after my sleepless night.  Plus, she was like eight when NSYNC was big.  JC was at least twenty years older than she was.  At least Justin and I were only separated by four.  I think, of the two of us, my celebrity dream was the most likely to come true. 

"That's awesome." I offered as I put on my apron and clocked in. 

"I know I'm being ridiculous." April admitted.  "I just can't get over it though."

"What are you going to do when you meet an actual star?" I mumbled under my breath.  Luckily April didn't hear me.  She was still too dazzled and I felt bad about dissing JC, but I mean, come on.  If April was freaking out over meeting JC, what would she do when someone came through the drive thru that was actually still in the spotlight? 

Like you have room to judge.  My conscience nagged.  She wouldn't have stood there like a babbling idiot and offer herself to the man like a slut.

I sighed as I took another sip of my coffee, put on the headset, took my spot at the window and forced a smile.  "Good morning!  Welcome to Starbucks.  What can we make for you?"

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Self-control sucks. 

There was a very good reason why I haven't practiced it for the last thirty-one years. 

My eyes strayed to the napkin on the counter beside me.  I lifted the bottle to my lips and took a swig of the water in it.  The numbers screamed up at me.  I couldn't figure it out.  Why was I so obsessed over this girl?  I mean, yeah, she was hot but I saw how girls every day.  Why was this one different?  What made her so special?

I had come home last night with every intention of washing her number off my hand.  I had my hand on the soap dispenser and everything, but when it came to the actual scrubbing, I couldn't do it.  I thought of those legs of hers and reached for a pen instead.  I copied the numbers down and there they sat. 

Staring at me. 

Taunting me. 

Every time I went to call her, though, all I could hear was Jessica's voice in my head.  Our last fight continued to echo in my head.  Her accusations didn't hurt because I knew they were true.  But I had never been able to resist a challenge.  When Jess had stated I'd never be able to say ‘no,' she'd unwittingly thrown down the gauntlet.

Immediately, my determination and resistance was being questioned.  I could see my ex in my mind's eye-the hurt, the anger, the disbelief when I declared hotly I would prove her wrong.  No one told me what I could and couldn't do.

My eyes wandered over to the ring laying on the counter beside the napkin.  I picked up the platinum band as I leaned back against the cupboards.  The five carat diamond winked at me as sunlight from an open window hit it.  A strange sense of....something fell over me.  I couldn't put my finger on the emotion I was feeling but I was suddenly very aware of how quiet my house was.  The silence was deafening. 

I had become accustomed to the sounds of having someone else around and was still having a hard time adjusting back to the solitude.  Jess and I had been together for four years-a lifetime in my line of work.  We'd had our ups and downs like any other couple, but I had honestly thought we'd be together forever.  It wasn't until she left-threw my ring back at me and stormed out the door-that I had begun to question things. 

I wasn't sure anymore if Jess and I had stayed together out of love or just because it had become a habit.  I told myself if I had really, truly loved her, I would have quit doing the things I know she hated-the drugs, the women, the parties.  Deep down, however, I wondered if I would be able to survive this self-imposed exile.  Was I truly capable of stopping?  Could I really change or was it too late?  Could I show Jess and the world another side of the pop phenomenon they all thought they knew, or was this it? 

Maybe this was just who I was and there was no changing it.  Maybe I should just accept I would be alone-forever incapable of having a girlfriend, a fiancé, a wife.  Maybe I was incapable of settling down, of changing and committing completely to one woman. 

I turned and tossed the ring back on the counter with a frustrated sigh.  It landed on the napkin with cupcake girl's number on it.  Maybe I should just give in and call her. 

~~~~~~~~~~~

My phone rang as I was leaning work that afternoon.  My heart immediately leapt into my throat and I felt sick to my stomach.  The number showing wasn't one I knew and I debated answering.  It could be Mr. Walker offering me the job.  It could also be someone from the company calling to tell me the postion had been filled and not by me.  It could be Justin. 

Please don't let it be Justin, I found myself praying.  I wasn't ready for that phone call yet. 

It could just be a telemarketer or a wrong number. 

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and answered the phone.  "Hello?" I asked, forcing all nervousness from my voice and pasting a smile on my face. 

"Ms. Michaels?"  A masculine voice asked.

It wasn't Justin.  He didn't know my name.  I breathed a sigh of relief even as I felt a slight sting of disappointment.  

"Yes."

"Jordan Walker." He identified myself and I held my breath.

"Hell, Mr. Walker." I smiled, biting my bottom lip as I waited anxiously for the ax to fall.

"I'm calling to offer you a job."

I sank unsteadily into one of the chairs outside the store.  I laid my arm and head down onto a table and felt tears begin to fill my eyes.  Thank you.  I prayed in gratitude.   "Mr. Walker," I began, my voice thick with emotion.  I swallowed and cleared my voice.  "Thank you.  You don't know how much this means to me."

"Don't make me regret my choice, Ms. Michaels." He replied.  I could hear a hint of a smile in his voice.

"I won't, sir.  I promise."  I shook my head as I sat up and brushed the tears from my face.  He gave me my starting day and time to be at the office.  We discussed my salary and benefits briefly with the understanding I would get a further briefing from HR on my first day.  When I ended the call I jumped up and began dancing around excitedly.  I got more than a few looks from people walking by but I didn't care.  I finally had my job!