It's gonna be a better day

I think I'm gonna be okay...

I've been down so low, nowhere but up to go.

It's gonna be a better day

Two weeks later...      

            What I hadn't counted on when I embarked on this whole "mastering my urges" thing, were the withdrawal symptoms.  I admit, I didn't quit the pot right away because I didn't see how that was really hindering me, or contributing to my other poor choices.  Then, after I woke up one night after a night out at the clubs with two girls I didn't know or remember, I realized it was obviously a bigger contributor than I thought.  In order to do what I'd told Jess I would do, I had to quit everything. 

            I had sworn, to myself and everyone who harped on me for smoking, that I only did it recreationally.  I wasn't addicted.  I could stop whenever I wanted. 

            How many addicts said the same thing?

            Now I had to be honest with myself and it was brutal.  I had fallen into one of the other pitfalls of fame and was now having to claw my way out.  The relaxation and the heightening of my senses were feelings I had experienced my first time and each time the sensations amplified.  The best result from it, however, was my music.  Whenever I was high, the music just flowed from me.  Every note seemed to increase the euphoria I felt and I melted into it.  People would be surprised to learn just how many of those chart topping songs of mine they loved had been written and recorded while I was stoned.

            Or not.

            I would probably be the one surprised, to realize how many people knew about-or suspected-my drug use. 

            I growled and stood, shoving my hands into my short hair.  I began pacing.  I pulled at my hair.  This was crazy.  All I could think about was lighting up.  I tried to sit down and work on some music, but nothing sounded right.  Nothing felt right.  All I needed was just a small hit-just enough to get a buzz. 

            But I couldn't. 

            I wouldn't. 

            My appetite was gone.  I hadn't been able to sleep the last three days.  My head was pounding and every little thing seemed to bug the hell out of me.  I was irritable with everyone and no one wanted to be around me.  With another growl of frustration I grabbed my keys and left the house.  The walls felt like they were closing in on me.  I had to get out. 

            Slipping behind the wheel of my Audi, I tore down the drive way and out of my neighborhood.  I didn't know if it was really the best decision for me to be driving right now, but I had to do something to get my mind off what I couldn't have.  Why was it, you never thought about, or craved something until it was taken away and you knew you would never be able to have it again?  I could go weeks without lighting up, but right now....I would give anything just to be in the same room with someone who was.

~~~~~~~~~~

            Taking off my apron, I clocked out for the last time.  A felt a rush of nerves.  Was I doing the right thing?  What if I wasn't any good at marketing?  Getting all A's in school didn't mean I knew what I was doing.  Writing papers for my professor was entirely different than designing an actual honest-to-God marketing campaign.  Making coffee, I knew how to do.  I could make a Frappuccino better than anyone here.  Maybe I should just stay.  I could tell my manager that I'd changed my mind-or that the offer had fallen through.  This was a good job.  Yeah, the hours kind of sucked, but with the country's love of coffee there was no chance of Starbuck's going under.  I would have a job as long as I kept making the best damn coffee I could. 

            What am I doing?  I thought.  I was doing it again.  I was letting my fears get the better of me.  Why was it, whenever I made a decision and took a leap, I was immediately consumed with doubt?  I closed my eyes and prayed.  I needed strength.  I needed some reassurance.  Am I doing the right thing? 

            I waited, but nothing happened.  Deciding to take that as a good sign, I grabbed my purse and left.  If I was doing the wrong thing, God would tell me, right? 

            "See you tonight!" April said as I walked toward the front door.

            "See ya!"  I waved with a smile as I looked at her over my shoulder.  Pushing open the door I was startled as I ran into a man on his way in.  "I'm sorry!"  I said, trying to step out of his way.  I looked up and stopped dead in my tracks.  The scruffy bead and red knit cap made him look like a homeless man, but those electric blue eyes of his made everything inside me turn to jelly.  "Justin."

            "Cupcake girl!"  His face lit up in a knee-melting grin.  My heart skipped several breaths and I was finding it hard to breathe.  His eyes flicked over my shoulder.  "I see we have the same taste in coffee as we do in wine."

            I felt my lips lift into smile.  "I work here." I said.  "Or I did." I corrected myself.

            "Did you quit or get fired?" He questioned, neither of us moving from our spot in front of the door and neither of us caring.

            "I quit.  I...got another job.  Today was my last day here."

            "A better job?" He questioned.

            "Yes." I nodded, my smile widening.  I couldn't believe I was actually standing here having this conversation with this man.  Justin Timberlake.  Was I really standing outside Starbucks, talking to him like he was a normal person?  Where was the hyperventilating, screaming, quivering, crying, inner teenager that always gave me away when I met celebrities? 

            "Sounds like we need to celebrate, then." He exclaimed.

            "We?"

            "Have you had lunch yet?" He asked.

            "No..." I shook my head.  Was he seriously suggesting what I thought he was?

            "Then let's go!"

            Apparantly he was. 

            "Uhm...no..." I shook my head.  "It's okay.  Uhm...you don't--"

            "I'm starving." He explained.  "And I hate to eat alone."  His blue eyes pleaded with me and I was helpless to resist. 

            "O-okay."  I tucked some hair behind my ear.  "Where...where do you want to do?"

            He scrunched up his face for a moment and turned to look back behind him.  When he turned back to me there was a sparkle in his eyes that made me more than a little quivery inside.  I wanted to pinch myself-to make sure this was really happening-but I didn't.  I didn't want to find out that this was all just a dream.

            "Do you trust me?" He asked.

            "No." I laughed.  He looked instantly hurt.  "I don't know you!" I exclaimed, still laughing.

            "Everyone knows me." He replied.

            Wow.  Cocky much?  I thought.

            "Are you telling me, you don't know who I am?" He questioned.

            "Of course I know who you are." I said.  "I'm not an idiot.  What I meant was...I don't know you.  All I know is the image.  What if..." I shrugged and chuckled. 

            "What if?" He nudged.

            "What if...you're just..."  I paused, not really sure what I was afraid of.  That this was a joke?  "You know what?"  I shook my head, pushing the questions away.  "Nevermind." 

            He continued to watch me with questioning blue eyes. 

            "Let's go." I said with a smile.  If Mr. Sexyback wanted me to have lunch with him, who was I to tell him no?  Even if this all turned out to just be a dream, I was going to enjoy every second of it.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~

            I watched her from across the table-a small smile on my face.  I couldn't help it.  She was beautiful.  My eyes followed as she brought a forkful of the salad she'd ordered to her mouth and found myself envious of the fork for being able to touch her lips.  I wondered what they felt like then shook the thought away and looked down at my sandwich.  I still wasn't sure what had possessed me to do what I'd done and invite her to lunch.  All I knew was I didn't want to see her walk away from me again. 

            "This place is great!"

            I looked up at Lauren's exclamation.  We had finally introduced ourselves after she'd accepted my invitation.  It was nice to finally have a name to put with her face, but I was still partial to calling her "Cupcake Girl."  I watched as she looked around at the shopping center around us.  We'd chosen to eat outside on the patio-enjoying the beautiful Southern California weather.   The Farmer's Market had a lot of great shops and restaurants.  When she asked me where I wanted to go for lunch I immediately thought of this café.  Not only did they have great food, but I also had a sneaking suspicion that Lauren would love it here.  I wasn't sure what it was that told me that, but I smiled to see I was right.  Her green eyes sparkled happily as she continued to look around with a smile on her face. 

            "Yeah, it is." I acknowledged as I looked around briefly.  Mostly, I was on the lookout for the paps-I didn't want them to find us.  The quickest way to ruin a good day was to find a camera shoved in your face.  "I can't believe you've never been here.  How long have you lived here?"

            "Six months." She said, taking another bite.  "But I really haven't had a whole lot of time to explore."

            "That's a shame.  There are a lot of great places to go and things to do here."

            "How'd you find this place?" She asked.

            "Jess..." I paused as my heart gave a painful little kick.  Lauren gave me a sympathetic look.

            "Sorry." She apologized.  "I know how it feels."

            "You've been dumped by your fiancé before?" I asked, the words coming out with a little more bite than I expected. 

            "No." She shook her head.  "I've been through bad break ups, yes, but I haven't ever been engaged before."  She smiled apologetically and I felt bad for snapping at her.  "So tell me what other sights I've missed the last six months of living here." She said, trying to change the subject.  "What do I need to catch up on?"

            I told her about some of my favorite places and things to do in and around LA.  I laughed when she reached into her purse and pulled out a small notebook and pen.  "What are you doing?"  I asked as she began writing.

            "Making a list." She grinned as she looked up at me then continued making a list.  "I definitely want to do that hike up Runyon Canyon you were talking about, and I need to go to Universal Studios and..."

            I tuned out as she continued talking.  I had caught a familiar odor waft over us as a group of teenagers walked past the patio.  The monster I thought had been tamed by lunch and conversation with a beautiful woman came roaring back to life.  My eyes sought out the one with the joint.  Finding him, I battled to stay where I was.  I watched the kid take a drag and felt myself mimicking the cadence of his breathing.  This was ridiculous.  I could almost feel the effects of the drug on my system.  One puff and I'd be able to calm the anxiety that had been taking me over the last couple days.  One hit and I'd be able to clear my head.  One hit and maybe I'd finally be able to sleep again. 

            "You're pathetic."

            Jess's voice came to mind, giving me a mental slap, and I clenched my hand into a fist on the table.  I closed my eyes-fighting to remain in control. 

            I don't know how long I sat there, trying to put my demon back in his cage but I startled when I felt a warm hand slide over mine.  My eyes popped open and met Lauren's.  I felt ashamed-more ashamed than all those times Jess had caught me actually smoking, or that one time my mother had caught me with that hooker.  I didn't want this girl to know what kind of man I really was.  She didn't know how true her statement had been about not knowing me.  Only one person beside me did.  And she had walked away. 

            "Are you okay?" She asked quietly. 

            "Yeah."  I lied.  I saw her eyes move over to the same group of kids I had been watching earlier.  I felt like crawling into a hole in the ground when I saw understanding dawn.    

            She knew.

            "How long have you been trying to quit?" She asked. 

            "Three days." I admitted, keeping my eyes on the table. 

            "They say the third day is always the hardest, no matter what habit you're trying to start or break."  Her fingers tightened slightly on mine and I looked over at where her hand was resting on top of mine.  We were both quiet for a few moments.  I wanted to know what she was thinking, but was afraid to ask.  I knew if it came out that she was disappointed in me I wouldn't be able to take it.  How did her opinion get to mean so much to me?  I barely knew her! 

            "Do you want to do something this afternoon that will take you mind off the cravings?" She asked, finally breaking the silence.  I looked up at her, curious.

            "Depends on what this ‘something' is." I grinned, feeling impish. 

            Her cheeks pinked slightly. "Not that." She shook her head.  "At least not yet."

            I laughed.  "I like you, Cupcake Girl."

            She smiled.  "I need to buy some more professional clothes for my new job." She said.  "I've never been really good at picking out what looks good on me.  I could use a second opinion.  You interested?"

            I couldn't help as my grin widened into a smile.  She wanted to spend more time with me, even after learning about one of my many, many flaws.  I signaled for the waiter.  "Let's go."