JC woke up with a start and groaned as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.  His heart was beating wildly and he struggled to catch his breath.  A cool ocean breeze hit his cheek through the open window.  The drapes moved softly from the wind, and a path of moonlight lit the otherwise darkened room.  Another dream about her, another sleepless night.  But this dream seemed more vivid than the others. 

He had followed her through an enormous house, up and down endless staircases, only to end up in his own bedroom.  She had been so close, almost within his reach, yet too far to touch.  The closer he got, the harder it was to reach her, yet he tried so determinedly.  He had dreamt about her thousands of times before, but nothing had been like this.  She was invading his sleep, taking over his life as she never had before.  It was becoming a dream that JC couldn’t seem to escape.

He glanced at his alarm clock, which sat on the small table next to his bed.  It read 2:41.  Nearly six hours had passed since he had seen her, and the memory was still pulsing through his body.  The emotions were clouding his thoughts and making the night seem unreal.  JC couldn’t figure out if he had dreamt seeing her, or if it had been real.  But he had thought of a million things since their meeting, trying to come up with anything that would take his mind off her.  And that night.

Seeing her tonight had brought back so many feelings, things that he thought he no longer felt.  Her presence had opened a damn to the memories that had been kept deep inside since she had left.

JC stood amidst the laughter of his four best friends and spoke.  “Hey guys, I’m headed to the bar for another.  Anyone need anything?”

“Nah, I’m good, C.”  Justin said, turning to Chris as he began telling a joke.  Joey and Lance also voiced no’s as they became involved in checking out a girl a few tables away.  JC smiled as he made his way to the bar, his mind full of carefree thoughts.  He was happy to be enjoying a guy’s night out, bonding with his buddies.

Moving carefully through the crowded restaurant, JC reached the bar and ordered another drink.  He turned around slowly as his sipped his Jack and Coke, and bumped into another person.

“Oh, excuse me,” JC said apologetically.  His eyes moved from his drink to the person in front of him, creeping up the slim, attractive figure to the face of someone he knew too well.

“Oh my God,” JC whispered.  “Taylor.”  He swallowed deeply, his breath catching in his throat as he blinked a few times, trying to decide if his mind was playing tricks on him.  He hadn’t seen her since that night, so long ago. 

His blue eyes met her shining green ones, which were full of surprise. 

“JC!  What are you doing here?”

JC’s heart began to pound in his chest.  She looked exactly the same as he remembered her.  Long golden brown hair that curled naturally, her face a picture of beauty. 

“I…I…” JC stammered.  He was imagining this.  Taylor couldn’t be standing here in front of him.  His brow furrowed in confusion.  “What?”

Taylor’s voice was low as she spoke.  “What are you doing here?”

Looking at her face, JC tried to read Taylor’s thoughts, as his brain worked overtime to sort out his own.  He wanted to reach out and pull Taylor in his arms, tell her how much he still loved her, yet at the same time he wanted to tell her how hurt he had been by her actions, how his heart was still in pieces.

“I… the guys and I… we’re eating.  Having dinner.”

“Oh.”  A moment of silence passed.  “Well, how have you been?”

How had he been?  JC wanted to scream out the truth.  Tell Taylor all about his dreams, his insomnia, his pain, his struggle to rebuild his life.  But he couldn’t let her see, couldn’t let his guard down.  He had created a fictitious happiness that everyone around him seemed to believe, and why should he let Taylor know?  Why should she get to him now?

“I’m good,” JC lied, trying to smile.  “Been busy, really busy.  *NSYNC has really taken off.  And I’ve been working really hard on my music.  How about you?”

Taylor nodded, “I’m doing well.  I’ve just taken a job in New York, writing for an art journal.  It’s a wonderful opportunity.”

“Congratulations.”  JC felt a slap on his shoulder and turned his head to see Joey.

“Hey, Jace, we’re ready to head out to the club, so once you’re-” Joey stopped abruptly as he noticed Taylor standing in front of JC.  “Taylor,” he said, surprised.  “Hi!”

“Hey Joey.”  Taylor looked down.

Joey looked at JC questioningly.  “Well, uh, we’re outside.  Ready when you are, OK, JC?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Nice to see you Taylor,” Joey said politely as he made his way back to the front door of the restaurant.

“I should let you go.”  Taylor’s eyes searched JC’s face pleadingly.  She was looking for a sign, any indication that JC still had feelings for her.

But JC only grinned lightly, keeping his true emotions well hidden.  He had practiced so many times, but keeping them from Taylor was one of the hardest things he had ever done.

“It was nice to see you, Tay.  I gotta catch up with the guys.  See you around.”

“Bye, JC,” Taylor said sadly.

JC threw back the rest of his drink and set the drink down on the nearest table, then turned quickly and walked out of the restaurant.  It took all of his strength to just make it to the door, his energy drained from the surprise encounter with Taylor.  His heart was heavy and his legs were weak as his eyes blurred with tears.  It was as if his dream had become real.  There she had been in front of him, but there was no way to reach out to her, to bring her back to his arms.

JC had gone straight home from the restaurant, telling the guys that he would catch them later.  He felt like he needed to run, get as far from Taylor as he could.

Running his hands through his dark brown hair, JC sighed heavily.  He wished he could somehow rid his life of the sadness that Taylor had brought to it.  The constant ache in his heart had sharpened in the past few hours.  It had always been with him, and no amount of work, time with the guys, or dating would seem to cure it.  Endless nights in the studio to keep his mind off Taylor had produced some wonderful music, but still couldn’t do the trick.  Living with the pain that he tried so hard to hide was wearing JC down.  He couldn’t handle it anymore.

* * * * * * * *

What am I supposed to do

With all these blues

Haunting me, everywhere

No matter what I do

* * * * * * * *

Sitting up, JC scolded himself for what felt like the millionth time.  He had tried to get over her so many times, tried to push the pain away.  It wasn’t supposed to be like this, their relationship wasn’t supposed to end this way.

JC climbed slowly out of bed, struggling to untangle himself from the sheet.  He lit a few candles that were placed throughout the room, and began pacing the floor in front of the balcony doors.  The cool night air felt good on his bare chest, almost refreshing.

He paused for a moment, watching the flame of one of the candles flicker and die.  JC breathed in sharply.  Just like his relationship with Taylor had died.  But his love was still burning strong, a powerful flame that could never be smothered.  Taylor was still a part of his heart and soul, no matter how hard he had tried to shove her memory and image away.  JC’s mind quickly relived the precious moments, so clear as if it had happened yesterday.  It was a never-ending saga that JC played over and over.

* * * * * * * *

Watching the candle flicker out

In the evening glow

I can’t let go

When will that night be over

* * * * * * * *

His deep feelings for Taylor had come as such a surprise, not only to her, but also to himself.  They had been friends for a long time, long before JC had ever thought of her as a lover.  One day, after having a conversation with Taylor about another guy, it had hit JC like a ton of bricks.  He loved her, and he needed her in his life, as more than a friend.

While not telling Taylor his true feelings, JC let their relationship carry on as it had been.  He didn’t want to risk scaring her, messing up their beautiful friendship.  They had been so happy back then, carefree and loving life.  But JC could tell that Taylor felt something deeper as well.  It was in the way their eyes would linger, the way she would smile shyly at him, the way she would softly caress his cheek. 

The day came when JC had to tell Taylor how he really felt.  If only he’d kept it all inside…

It happened in the same room, many of the same candles lighting a romantic atmosphere.  JC and Taylor had made love with the sounds of the ocean waves crashing in the background.  He had never felt so connected to one person as he had to Taylor that night.

JC had opened his heart to her, let her know the deepest parts of his soul.  If only he’d known that his whole world would soon end…

* * * * * * * *

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

* * * * * * * *

JC brushed Taylor’s hair out of her face gently as he propped his head on his elbow, looking deep into her eyes.  She smiled, and let her gaze explore JC’s chiseled face, beautiful lips, and expressive eyes.  While she had never expected it to be like this with JC, Taylor had never felt more content or happy in her life.  This man could do wonders for her, and he made her feel like the most important thing in the world.

Lying close to Taylor, JC’s heart was overflowing with love and passion.  She was the one person that could make him happy for the rest of his life, the one who he could give his soul to and never need anything more.  His arm ran lightly up and down Taylor’s arm as she sighed out of happiness.

“What are you thinking about Tay?” JC asked, grinning.  He kissed her forehead, the tip of her nose, and then let his lips rest lightly on hers.  She tasted so sweet.

Taylor pulled JC close, and rested her head on his chest, reveling in the comfort of his strong arms.  How perfect it felt to be there next to him. 

“Just how happy you make me, Jace.  I don’t think there’s anything else I need in this world.  Just you.”

JC’s heart swelled.  “Me too.”  He pulled away from her, just enough to lock his eyes with hers.  There was no other way to tell her how he felt, and he could no longer keep those three precious words inside.

“I love you, Taylor.”

Taylor looked away, letting JC’s proclamation sink in.  He loved her.  It was a feeling that she had dreamed of her whole life, and now the person she cared most about was professing his feelings, asking her to say them back.  She couldn’t deny how she felt.

“I love you, too, Baby,” Taylor said quietly looking into JC’s deep blue eyes.  Tears filled hers as she caught a glimpse of JC’s soul and the raw emotion that he was all about.  His powerful feelings for her were so true and so clear.  Taylor felt exhilarated and scared at the same time.  It was all so overwhelming. 

“Don’t cry, Sweetheart,” JC pleaded as a tear made its way down Taylor’s cheek.  He wiped it away quickly and caressed her cheek lovingly.  “It’s OK, Tay.”  He kissed her cheeks.

“I’ve never felt this way before, JC.  There are so many things running through my head right now and so many emotions filling my heart.”

“I know, Taylor.  I don’t know exactly what I’m feeling either, but I know that I need you, and I know that I love you.  So much.”

She smiled at his sincere words and pressed her lips to his.  What more did she need in this world than a wonderful man like JC to love her?  Taylor wrapped her arms around JC and kissed him deeply, letting herself be swept away by his love once again.

Now, glancing at the bed, JC felt nothing but disgust.  Especially with himself.  They had fallen asleep wrapped in eachother’s arms, exhausted from loving so deeply.  And what did JC have to show for it now?  A life of emptiness and a heart that had been shattered to pieces.

He had let himself fall so far for Taylor, experienced things he had never felt before.  All in such a short time.  And now he only felt lost.  Like there was no where that he truly belonged.  That place had been in Taylor’s arms, in her heart, but she had only caused him pain.

Even with his successful music career, JC no longer felt he had any direction in his life.  Music had always been his passion, and he still poured his heart into it.  But everything was so hectic now, that even the music was taking a back seat.  He was pulled in so many different directions, giving a piece of himself here, and another there.  But it was all so automatic, merciless.  He no longer cared.

Taylor had given meaning to his life, a reason for living.  And with her gone, it seemed that everything had become unimportant, even the things he cherished most.  The guys couldn’t help, no one could.  Except the one person who he couldn’t let back into his life.

* * * * * * * *

Seen a lot of broken hearts

Go sailing by

Phantom ships, lost at sea

And one of them is mine

* * * * * * * *

As the flames of the candles made sullen shadows on the bedroom walls, JC was suddenly overwhelmed by all the things he was feeling.  Taylor had always been a part of him since that night, but the memories and conflicting emotions had never been so strong as they were right then.  It was the constant dreams, seeing her tonight, reliving the memories, all stirring up things he had almost put to rest.

Making his way to the small bar in his bedroom, JC poured himself a glass of brandy and took a large sip.  He had to get his life back on track, or he would continue to live as half a man, something that he knew he couldn’t handle for much longer. 

He then headed through the French doors that led to the balcony.  The clear, salty air felt good.  Looking out at the ocean, JC listened closely to the crashing waves.  It was a sound he used to love, one that used to be so comforting.  Now it only brought back the memories of his night with Taylor.  His thoughts were echoing the waves, clashing in his mind, so confusing and disconcerting.  Feelings of love for Taylor mixed with his disappointment and disgust in their ended relationship.  Images of her were so clear, yet the good times were so far away.  Pain and loneliness filled JC’s heart.

Turning his gaze to the dark sky, JC observed the millions of shining stars, wondering if wishing on a star had ever really helped anyone.  He almost laughed at himself, but he was searching helplessly for any kind of guidance, reaching out blindly for something solid.  Something that could end his pain and turn his life around for the better.

A shooting star blazed over the ocean, and JC prayed it was the sign he had been looking for.  He motioned toward the glittering sky with his glass, then raised it to his lips and downed the remaining liquor.  It couldn’t hurt to try.

* * * * * * * *

Raising my glass I sink a toast

To the midnight sky

I wonder why

The stars don’t seem to guide me

* * * * * * * *

Turning back into the bedroom, JC slumped into an armchair, tired of fighting the constant presence of Taylor.  He had loved her in a way he could never love another woman.  She was something special to him, a part of his past that would never leave him.

The night they had made love had been so wonderful, and JC remembered the love in Taylor’s eyes, the emotion in her voice, and the passion in her body.  He thought they had been feeling the same things.  How had he missed the apprehension, the indifference?  Why had she walked away?  Leaving as if nothing had happened between them, as if nothing mattered.

Tears began to well up in JC’s eyes.  He turned the now empty glass in his hands, gazing at it blankly.  He could still see the letter so clearly in his mind.  Though he had burned the paper, the words still lived on.  That small note, meant to explain her feelings and appease JC’s questioning heart.  He had awakened in the night, expecting to find Taylor at his side, but discovered the note instead.

JC-

Thank you for tonight. I will never forget it.

But I know in my heart that this won’t work.

I’m sorry.

I love you.  Always.

- Tay

With those few words, JC’s world came crashing to his feet.  No explanation or discussion, she hadn’t even said good-bye.  Taylor had disappeared so quickly.

Angered and intensely hurt by the memory that continued to haunt him, JC hurled his glass at the wall.  It shattered instantly, a parallel to his own life.  He buried his head in his hands as the tears threatened to fall.  He had given his everything to Taylor and she had walked away so easily.  His soul was empty, and his heart had been stolen.  Though he had given his love willingly, it was something that he would always fight to find again, for Taylor had taken it ruthlessly.

* * * * * * * *

 I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

* * * * * * * *

His body now writhing in physical pain, JC began to pace the floor once again as tears fell freely down his cheeks.  He had to find a way to forget Taylor.  Once and for all.  It was destroying his life.  But her presence was still so strong, something that JC knew he would always have to deal with.

Tonight, it was as if she was still there, in the bedroom with JC.  He could still smell her perfume, feel her warm body next to his, hear her laughter and beautiful voice.  He could hear her coming down the hallway, willingly following him to share a night of ecstasy and passion.  Taylor was everywhere.

Quickly finding another glass and pouring himself more brandy, JC choked it down through his sobs.  He suddenly realized the severeness of his situation.  Taylor was haunting him, taking away his life with memories of the past.  His heart was in pieces and his soul was barren.  JC dropped his glass and watched it break at his feet.  This was it.  JC had to free himself from the way Taylor possessed his whole being, even now when she was no longer in his life.  He would do anything.

* * * * * * * *

The ghost of you and me

When will it set me free

I hear the voices call

Following footsteps down the hall

Trying to save what’s left of my heart and soul

* * * * * * * *

A gust of wind entered the room, blowing out almost all of the candles.  Watching the remaining ones falter, JC was once again reminded of that night.  Taylor and all of her beauty, her heart and soul had been his, though for a short time.  And that piece of her always would be.  JC breathed deeply, trying to control his tears as the realization poured through his body.

He couldn’t let that one night hold him prisoner for the rest of his life.  He would never forget it, that was indeed impossible, but he could try to control the memories, keep them in a place where they were comfortable.  Nearly ten minutes passed as JC stood still in the middle of his bedroom, slowly breathing and willing himself to find the whole, unbroken person he was supposed to be.  To find the man that had once lived life to the fullest. 

The clock now read 4:53.  Glancing out past the balcony, JC could see the faint light of day on the horizon.

* * * * * * * *

Watching the candle flicker out

In the evening glow

I can’t let go

When will the night be over

* * * * * * * *

Exhausted physically and emotionally, JC fell back on his bed, shutting his eyes tightly.  His head hurt and his body was tired.  Taylor had meant so much to him, but now it was time to let go and put everything behind him.  He needed to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart and find the JC that he had once been.  She might have stolen his heart that fateful night, but JC now realized that he could survive.  He would survive. 

Relief washed slowly over his body as JC felt a new serenity within himself.  Drifting into a peaceful sleep, JC breathed lightly, knowing that his life would now go on, and that it would feel real.

* * * * * * * *

I didn’t mean to fall in love with you

And baby there’s a name for what you put me through

It isn’t love, it’s robbery

I’m sleeping with the ghost of you and me

* * * * * * * *