Love fades.

I wish I could say it wasn’t the truth, that it was an impossible idea.  There was a time in my life that I went through an experience similar to this one.  While it was a hard process to go through, I knew in my heart that it was the best thing for both of us.  I had positive vibes.  I kept telling myself that life would get better eventually.

And it did.  A million times over in fact, and if I had an opportunity to go back in time and change things, I can honestly say that I wouldn’t, because the past fifteen years have been the best ones of my life.  I think I was able to do more, and experience more love in my life than most people.

For that, I’ll never regret being with him.  I’ll never regret sacrificing everything so we could start a new life together.

But he’s not the same guy who chased me down and told me he couldn’t live without me, and I’m not the same woman that gave into him either.  That was to be expected of course...

But neither of us thought things would end up this way.

“Abbey.”

I gasp slightly and glance up from the note pad I’ve been doodling on for the past hour.  Mac Baxter, Justin’s lawyer, is staring me down from across the table, obviously waiting to hear the answer to the question he’s just asked me.  At one time in my life I considered him a close family acquaintance, someone I could trust and confide in.  Now he’s just a business man to me.  Somebody Justin has paid to do his dirty work.  My eyes dart to the would be love of my life seated next to him.  He won’t look at me, but I’m used to that.

He hasn’t looked at me, in weeks, and before that he was only half with me, for the better part of a year.  I tried to tolerate it, because I knew he was in pain and knew how he dealt with pain too.  I told myself to just be patient, to be there for him.  But I was in pain too...and it was like, he had no compassion for me anymore.  It was all about him, how he felt, what he was losing, and I was supposed to keep a smile on my face for the kids and pretend that I wasn’t crying myself to sleep every night.

I was done.

 And I decided it was time to bail.

“Are you in agreement with that?”

“I’m...” I look at my lawyer for a short moment.  “Can you repeat the question?”

“Mr. Timberlake has graciously offered you sole ownership of the home, three of the six cars, and a monthly allowance of twenty five thousand dollars on top of his child support checks, in exchange for the joint custody agreement we’ve discussed today,” Mac explains.

Joint custody.  Divorce.  Separate homes.  Separate lives.  I just can’t fathom how we got to this point.  I can’t understand what happened, how we managed to fall apart so quickly when our love seemed so bulletproof for fifteen years.  Vic...what happened was hard, but in the beginning we promised each other we would get through it together no matter the outcome, because we loved each other.

But the strain was too much for him, especially in the end, and I know why.

“We’re seeking sole custody,” My lawyer speaks up.  “You knew that going into this, Mr. Baxter.”

“Yes, but given the circumstances, I think a few exceptions are in order,” he nods.  “So again, Abbey, will you take the deal so we can avoid a long drawn out divorce proceeding? It will save your family a lot of hardship.  Enough has happened already.”

I don’t answer.  I can only look at Justin.  Before....before I was just angry, wouldn’t have given in to the deal no matter how much money he threw at me.  But...things are different now.

Much different.

Mason and Conner shouldn’t have to go through more heartache.  They need their father right now, probably more than ever before.

“I’ll...I’ll do that.” I say.

For the first time in weeks, Justin looks at me.  I stare into his eyes.  They’ve been taken over by huge dark circles and the redness that can only come when you’re beyond exhausted.  I know he hasn’t slept well for quite some time, months, probably more than that. He has a scruffy half beard and a mop of curls on his head that I know he hasn’t kept up in almost a month.  I doubt he’s eating right, either.  I hate that it bothers me.  It shouldn’t, because I’m convinced he couldn't care less how I’ve been handling everything.

 “You will?”

His voice cracks but the intense look in his eyes doesn’t fade.

I just nod, pressing my lips together so I won’t start crying.

It’s been so hard, and I know that...somewhere inside of that man...the person I used to love is still lurking, trying to rejoin humanity.

But I just...I just can’t wait for him anymore.

I should go visit her today.  Bring her some flowers.  I think she’d like that.  I like to think she enjoys our little heart to hearts, that she waits for me to come sit by her side, because I didn’t come to visit enough when she was in the hospital those last few months.  That turned into her fathers job.  He was there every single day, without fail, even those days she was too weak to even open her eyes for him.  None of that mattered to Justin though.  He just wanted to be with his girl, no matter how weak she was. He gave up making a profit, making an effort for the family...making an effort for us.  Those last few weeks, he wouldn’t even come home, while I could barely bring myself to go to the hospital.  Seeing her like that broke me more and more every time.  I just couldn’t deal with it...while Justin wouldn’t have missed those last moments with her for the world.

I guess I resent him for being stronger than I was, and maybe...he resents me for not being strong for our girl.

Maybe it’s the biggest reason why we’re here today.

“All you need to do is sign on the line, Abbey,” Mac slides some sort of contract across the table, and my lawyer immediately slides it away from me so she can look it over.  “This will be the last meeting you’ll have to attend once you do.”

“Everything looks fine.”  My lawyer smiles at me, signifying that I’ve struck gold.

But I don’t care about the money or the house...or anything else that comes with Justin’s finances.  It’s the kids I’ve been worried about, but I was stupid to think that Justin wouldn’t put them first.  

He always has.

I look down at the page, pick up a pen and toy with it in my hands.  I feel eyes on me, and I know they’re Justin’s.

Sign away Abbey.  Sign it all away.  

I put pen to paper.

That’s when I hear the sound of a chair sliding out, and I look up in time to see Justin walking out the door.

It slams once he exits.

He’s left me to bid our marriage a farewell on my own.

But I can’t make myself sign my name right now.  My head is swimming with too many memories of us, and when the first tear glides down my face, I realize the only thing I’ll probably be able to do for the rest of the day is cry.
***************
It’s over.

It’s over, but instead of screaming, crying, and carrying on about how fucking shitty this all is, the only thing I seem to have energy for is sitting here, allowing the overpowering numbness to take over me completely.

When Vic went a couple of weeks back, it hit me really hard that I still had no conception of how to deal with that type of pain.  The first time around I was buried ass deep into my ego and had no time to mourn.  Of course I made peace with my parents death, put it mostly behind me thanks to Abbey.  Everything was okay...I was happy, complete, for the first time.  I had a loving wife, amazing kids, my dream job...

Hell, I even made peace with people I never thought I would.  r32;r32;It was your classic all American fairy tale, and even when Abbey’s dad had that stroke, nothing could seem to bring me or my family down.  We came through it, he got better, and we went on with our lives.  I didn’t look back, and didn’t think about how I would deal with another tragedy in my life.  I was convinced I didn’t need to, because losing my parents seemed to be enough tragedy for a life time.

And for eight more years, my family and I had the type of lifestyle that most people only dream of.

Then it was like a ten ton weight came slamming down on my shoulders, and no matter what I did, there was no way I was going to be able to shrug that thing off.

At least until the inevitable happened and things took a turn for the worse.  When they did, the one person I thought would be right by my side just...wasn’t...  

For six months I suffered alone, and when she went, I still felt like I was going through it alone, despite the fact that she was standing right next to me when we buried her.  She clung to my shoulder and sobbed the whole time...

But I felt so damn empty inside, I could barely offer her any comfort.

Things haven’t been the same between us since Vic passed away.  It’s like we don’t know what to say to each other anymore, because the truth is, we’ve been living completely separate lives for almost a year.  I never thought divorce would have been the answer, and I certainly never thought Abbey would have been the one that wanted to get one in the end, but I was in denial.  I didn’t see what any of this was doing to her, how much pain she was in, because I couldn’t handle my own pain.  I should have taken the warnings I received from my friends, my brothers, and my sons more seriously.  They all saw it coming, but I was just too stricken with shock and grief to try to salvage what was left of my marriage.

It’s too late to change things now.  Even if I gave her my most sincere apology, told her that I still...God, that I still love her more than anything on this earth, she wouldn’t care.  Her mind is made up, and I know Abbey better than anybody...

I know that when she makes a firm decision, she doesn’t turn back, and I’ve had my second chance with her.

It’s just done, and that’s something I’ll live with for the rest of my life.

Funny, I have the best of everything at my disposal, and I still couldn’t save Vic, or my marriage.  

Of course, nothing could save Vic after that last treatment didn’t work, so I was told.

But why?  Why her?  

It should have been me dying in that hospital, and I would have gladly traded places, but there was nobody to bargain with.  That disease just chose her, and took her away from me...

God damn it, I mean...took her away from us.

I have to start thinking that way more.  My therapist is insisting on it.  It’s crazy.  Me, in therapy.  I never thought I’d live to see the day, but shit, right now, it’s the only thing keeping me sane.

My cell buzzes to life on the passenger seat, and I’m about to just hit ignore, continue to stare out at the water because it’s keeping me calm.  Then I realize it’s Mac, and I know I can’t ignore him.  He promised he’d call when the papers were signed, and I need to know that it’s final, that we’re done for good, so I can start this next, fucked up chapter of my life.

“Timberlake.”  

My voice sounds like sandpaper on wood.

“You’re really not going to like this.”

I sit up a little straighter in the drivers seat and let out a long breath.  “She decided she didn’t like the terms?”

“Not exactly.”

I let out a bitter laugh.  “What, she wants more?”

“No...”

“Mac?”

“She didn’t sign the papers.”

I sit there for several moments, in stunned silenced.  He can’t be right.  I saw her start to sign her name.  It’s why I left, because I couldn’t bare to watch anymore.  “What?”

“She just, left.  No explanation.  Not for nothing Justin, but this is becoming a gigantic waste of my time and your money.  What’s going on?  Is there something you’re not telling me?”

“No.  I thought it was finalized,” I mutter.  “She hasn’t said a thing to me.”

“We’re going to have to set a court date,” he groans.  “If she doesn’t sign the documents, that’s the only option, and it’s not going to be pretty.”

“Give her a day or two,” I sigh.  “She’s messed up mentally.  So am I.”

“Two days.  That’s it.  I mean it.”

“Fine.”

I hang up on him.  Normally, I’d call her right up and ask her what the hell she was doing, but I just...I can’t.  Today has hit me so damn hard, brought me down to the lowest part inside of me, and I can’t take any more.  It’s why I came here.  It used to be Vic’s favorite beach, and even though the boys would whine and tell me they were tired of coming here so much, I always made an excuse for Vicki’s sake, because she was my little girl.  It makes me smile, remembering how she would run up and down the beach playing with her brothers and our dogs, and us.  How we would all fall down into the waves together, laughing the day away until the sun set so low over the water that we could barely see each other anymore.

I remember...I remember how Abbey and I would sneak out of the house sometimes, late at night, and go for a long walk on the beach.  We’d talk about life, and make out in the water until we knew we had to get back.  I loved her so much then.

I still do.

I miss my best friend.  I miss her more than she’ll ever know.

But I can’t get her back now.