(Radiation, week sixteen)

To say I’m exhausted is an understatement.  Today the nurses gave me my own bed to sleep in because I’m just there too much.  They’re great, the nurses.  They make sure my daughter is as comfortable as possible and that I can feel at home when I lay down to rest.

They treat me better than my wife at the moment, that’s for sure.

I decided I better come home tonight because I haven’t seen Big Red in almost two weeks.  He’s always up early for school and I’m always at the hospital when he gets back.  Since Abbey refuses to take my calls at this point, I feel it’s my duty to check up on him.

Or maybe this is just my lame ass attempt at being a good father to my son?

I don’t know anymore.

The radiation isn’t helping.  Doctor Pierson pulled me aside today and told me I might want to talk to Abbey about taking her off treatment because it’s just making her sick, not better.  Then he told me that none of the bone marrow samples we’ve tested have matched.  He said we don’t have many more options, other than a couple of newer market medications that haven’t been tested on people Vic’s age yet.  There is one other surgery we could look into, but it’s very risky and there’s only a small chance it will help.  In the end, he said the best thing Abbey I can do is start thinking about “final options”, that there’s a possibility she could be gone in just a few months.  He said he’s been in touch with Make A Wish and they’d like to do something special for her.

I couldn’t listen.  I told him to leave me the hell alone and I walked out of there.

I cried.  I went into the little chapel and cried and yelled at God and told him he was wrong and awful to do this to a sixteen year old kid.

She doesn’t deserve it.

She slept all day today.  They had to feed her through an IV.  She hasn’t been eating on her own lately…been too sick.  I just held her hand and tried to talk to her the best I could.  At times I got an eye flutter and a classic Vic smile.  That kept me going.

I’m losing her.

I’m losing her and I’m alone, because Abbey doesn’t even come anymore.

She doesn’t fucking come to the hospital anymore, and soon, my daughter will be…

I can’t say it.

I can’t say it yet.

Not yet.

“Wow, look who’s here.”

I look up, harshly wiping the tears off my face.  I didn’t realize I was crying and now, Mason is seeing me do it.  That makes me feel weak as a father, and I hate that.

Shit I mean, I haven’t talked to the kid in months.  Literally, months.

The look in his eyes as he walks down the spiral staircase towards me is filled with hatred.  Just, raw hatred.  It’s like I’m not even his father anymore, and he’s not my son.

I don’t know what to think.

“Where’s your brother?” I rasp.

“Mom took him last night.  She’s in Colorado.  I’m going up tomorrow, flying, Pop bought my ticket, I just had to settle some things with my teachers.”

“What?”  I’m baffled for just moments.

She really did it.  She threatened and threatened me, told me to get my act together and be here for our sons or she was going to walk out.

I guess she finally did.  

Abbey left me.  I have a hollow feeling in my gut.  At the same time though, the pain in my heart for Vic is a thousand times worse, so I’m not as much of a wreck over my wife’s absence as I probably should be.

The only thing is…she has our youngest son with her, and I doubt she’s going to want to play nice when it comes to me wanting to see him.

“She’s leaving you,” he says bluntly.  “I warned you.  We all warned you.  You didn’t listen.  I love Victoria.  I love her more than the two of you can probably imagine, but…but I love the rest of our family too, Dad.  You just expected us to be fine without you.  It’s not working out this way anymore.  Mom can’t suffer alone.”

I walk right up to him and put my face in front of his, breathing harshly.  “Don’t stand in front of me and tell me about my marriage problems like you know everything, son.  I taught you more respect than that.”

“Yeah,” he smirks.  “You taught me that I shouldn’t respect fuckin’ idiots like you.”

I don’t think, I just hit him, backhand him hard across the face.  I hate myself after, as I watch him clutching his cheek as his eyes well up with tears, but he was so damn disrespectful just then and I’m his fucking father.  I won’t take that crap.  “You have something else to say to me, son?”

“Yeah.” He winces slightly.  “Go to hell.”

He roughly brushes past me, goes to the door and picks up a suitcase that was resting beside it and walks out on me.

The door slams

That’s okay.

Everything is okay.

I sit down on the sofa.  A year ago we would be sitting on it all together, one big family, watching TV and laughing.  A year ago you couldn’t have told me a horrible disease like Leukemia would destroy our family.

But it has.

I sob, and then I burst into tears all over again, alone in my house, and something tells me…something tells me if I had just talked to my wife a little more, told her how I really felt, she might be here right now, able to console me, and I her.

But I didn’t.  I just didn’t, and now I’m alone, my Conner is gone, and Mason hates me.

I’m done.  I just…I just know that once Vic goes my life is going to be over.

That makes me not want to stick around for the final result, but I can’t leave my daughter.  Abbey did.  Abbey went to Colorado.  Well what about Vic? What about her, Ab?

I want to call and rip her apart.

But I can’t.  I can’t bring myself to.  Not after today.  Not after that news.  Instead I just find the best bottle of wine we have in the house, and drink myself into oblivion.  I wonder if this is always going to be my answer? Fine wine to solve my problems.  I wonder, will Mason pick up that trait?  Nah.  He gets his brain from his mother.  He knows better.

At least, I hope so.
********************
(Present Day)

I wish I could be focused on one of the best dates I’ve ever been on.  The town was breathtaking, the dinner was amazing, the conversation? One of the best I’ve had with a woman since Abbey and I were together and happy.  When I said we clicked I wasn’t lying.  We click.  We click like Abbey and I clicked so long ago, and after…when I took her back to my hotel room (Trace insisted on taking  Conner to sleep in his room just in case, even though I told him nothing would happen) we had the most amazing sex.  I mean, it was just incredible.  I haven’t had an orgasm like that in over a year.

I fully intended on extending my time in Nice, and leaving for home a day later than I originally planned so I could get to know Reese even better.  Hell, Trace even offered to fly back to Texas with Conner for me so I could have the extra time.  

But then I got the call from Austin, and everything going on in my life seemed to come flooding back to me all at once.  I had to pack Conner and I up, and leave right away. I could barely explain myself to Reese, but she didn’t seem angry.  She told me to call her as soon as I could.

I promised her I would, and I fully intend to.

I just have to get past this…issue.

"Where's Conner?"

 "With my housekeeper," I say.  "I didn't want him to be around for this.  He'll be fine.  How the hell did this even happen, Ab?"

“I told you Mason hasn’t been home that much,” Abbey whimpers.  “I just…I haven’t been pushy with him because I thought he needed space.”

“I don’t even know what to say right now.  Mac said that he was drunk…that my brand new two hundred thousand dollar Maserati is totaled?  I’m supposed to be okay with that? Let him off the hook?  Fuck Abbey, how much space were you giving him?”

“Don’t you dare make me out to be the sole cause of all this!” She shakes her finger at me harshly.  “You haven’t even attempted to fix your relationship with him!”

Here we are, back to normal.  Friendship, being civil, all that is out the window.  This is how we really are.  It’s easy to remember why we can’t be together now.  “I want to talk to my son, alone,” I say it to Mac, quietly, while Abbey sobs.

“I’ll go talk to the Sheriff,” he nods, and walks out of the waiting room.

“What are you going to do?,” Abbey rasps, her eyes wide with fear.

I narrow my eyes, ball my fists at my sides.  “I should really press charges and teach him a lesson.”

“Justin you can’t,” she cries.  “What about college! They’ll never take him if…if he goes to…Justin you can’t send our son to jail!  I won’t let you!”

I sigh heavily and gently push her away as she cries into the side of my blazer.  I can’t take this.  Honestly.  I’m so angry right now that I meant what I said. I would press charges, get him thrown in jail so he can see what a stupid choice he made.

At the same time though, he’s my son.

He’s Vic’s twin too, and I know she never would have wanted his life to be this way.

“Sheriff says you can have some time,” Mac says, sticking his head through the doorway.  “But it has to be now.”

“Please,” Abbey begs me, on her knees now, sobbing at my feet.  “Please Justin.  I’m sorry about the car.  I’ll do whatever you want, just…please…please don’t punish him like this.  He needs help, I admit that.  Let’s just get him help, all right?  I’ll…I’ll even let Conner stay at your place for awhile.  I know you miss him…Justin…I’ll do anything…I’ll do anything…”

Her sobs grow into hysterical cries and she can’t seem to pick herself up off the floor.  She cowers in front of me and completely loses her composure.  Other people are staring at us, but I don’t care.  They don’t know half of what we’ve been through, and I guess I’d be lying if I said I didn’t expect Abbey to react this way.  

I hate to see her cry, and I hate even more than she’s apologizing for him.  It’s not her fault, because Mason made his own decisions.  I’m just thankful that he made it out of the wreck alive.  I don’t know what I would do if I lost another child.  I think I might lose control.  

“Ab.”  I crouch down slowly, and finally, when I’m at her level, I gently take her by the arms and shake her a little.  “Abbey listen to me.”

She leans forward and cries into my chest, not as loudly as before, but her entire body is shaking.

“Look…I’m not going to send him to jail,” I whisper, rubbing her back gently now.  “But he needs professional help from a facility.  That’s the only way I’ll agree to let this thing go, and he has to go willingly.”

She sniffles harshly and seems to force herself to look up at me.  “Are you talking about sending him away?”

I nod.  “If that’s what it comes down to.  We don’t have a choice, Abbey.”

“But…no…I…”

“I mean it,” I say seriously, as I help her to her feet.  “We’ll find a good place.  Not something court recommended.  Just a really nice place, that can get him the help he needs.  In a year, he can reapply to college, if he makes some progress.”

“Something within driving distance,” she whispers.  “I’ll agree to that, and nothing else.”

I sigh harshly.  Some of the best facilities in the country are a lot farther than driving distance.  Mac told me about a couple on the phone today.  But I can tell that it won’t fly with Abbey…and I guess I owe it to her to compromise.  I know Conner wouldn’t do well if he couldn’t see his brother at least a couple of times a month.

“Driving distance.” I nod.  “Fine.”

“Thank you.”  She backs away from me.

I just nod, and then I follow Mac to where my son is being held.  They moved him from the hospital this morning, said his concussion was mild and the cast on his broken arm was set.  The police arrested him and brought him down here for processing.  They say I can bail him out and take him home later today if I decide not to press charges.  He’ll still have a court date, probably receive community service.  I’m told if I choose to send him to a facility, he can perform the community service there.  I’d rather him do it that way.  There will be nothing to distract him.  Just people to watch him and make sure he does it.

Right now, I know Abbey and I don’t have the stamina to handle him on our own.  We’re still trying to sort out everything else.  It’s awful to say, but it might be nice to have him in a place where we know he can’t leave voluntarily.

“Sheriff said a half hour, but I’ll make sure you get all the time you need,” Mac says, when we reach the interrogation room that Mason has been assigned to.  “I’ll leave you to it.”  He nods, and walks away.

I stare at the door for awhile, debating what I’m supposed to say to my son when I walk in there.  It’s been such a long time since I’ve sat down and really talked to him like a father should talk to his son.  I know yelling at him would be the easy way out, but it wouldn’t phase him.  He’s built a wall around himself ever since Vic got sick and he refuses to let anyone in.  Even Ab, who up until this year had been so close to him.  Now it’s like they’re strangers.

I blame myself.  I’m the biggest reason he’s like this.

What that in mind, I open the door.

He’s sitting at the table, broken arm in a sling, black eye and his forehead wrapped in bandages.  He slouches in the chair, scowling, like he hates the world.

“Mom said you were in Europe.  I didn’t think you’d show up,” he mutters.

I close the door quietly, and walk across to the table, sliding the chair out and taking a seat before saying anything to him.  “Well I’m here.”

“Must be the car.” He snorts out a laugh.  “Had to be here for the insurance adjuster right?”

“I came here because they told me you had been in an accident.  You’re my son.  I wanted to make sure you were okay.  I got the first plane out.”

“Well I’m fine.  Next topic.”

“Why’d you start drinking?”

He shrugs.  “Why’d you forget about me?”

“Forget about you?” I scoff.  “Mason, I didn’t forget about you.”

“You didn’t talk to me.”

I sit back and sigh.  “It’s been very difficult, Mason.  You must know that.”

“That’s an excuse.” He narrows his eyes at me, and gives me a cold look. “How is it that you still get the best of everything, even now? Mom’s a wreck, Conner doesn’t understand why you don’t come home anymore, and then…I’m just left to deal with it all.  It’s like you don’t even give a shit, dad.  You just started over again.  So I decided to do my own thing.”

“The best of everything?” I scoff and lean forward slightly.  “Tell me how I have the best of everything right now? Mason…I’ve lost a daughter, a wife, and my family.  I could give a shit about the money.”

“You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go on the trip with you,” he mutters.  “You didn’t care.”

“You would have said no.”

“You still should have asked me.”

“So that’s why you decide to start drinking?  Steal my car and crash it?”

He shrugs.  “I don’t know…maybe.”

“What’s really wrong? I know I’m not the only reason you hate the world so much, Mase.  It’s okay to admit that you’re hurting.  We’re all hurting.”

“Sometimes I wished for it…I wished she would just die so that maybe you would notice me.  But you know…when she did pass away, you paid even less attention to me.”  

It takes all my stamina not to lash out at him.  I know he doesn’t mean it, that he wished his sister dead.  I can tell by his eyes.  As cold and dark as he tries to make them look for me, I can see that pain in them…glowing hot like fire.  He can’t deal with it.  He doesn’t know how to do it.

I wouldn’t know how either, but I got myself some help early.  

“I know it won’t help things right now,” I finally say.  “But I want you to know that…I’m sorry Mason.  I’m sorry that life turned out this way, that mom and I couldn’t work things out, and that we lost Vic.  It hasn’t been fair to you, or to Conner.”

“I don’t care that you’re sorry!” He snaps.  “It doesn’t change anything!”

I just nod.  “Yeah I know.  But I’m going to work hard to…fix our relationship.  I promise.”

“Don’t bother.  You’re dead to me now.”

“I know you don’t mean that.  You need help, Mase,” I sigh.  “You need someone to help you move passed all the things that happened.”

“I told Mom already that I’m not going to a damn therapist!”

“Yeah well, you kind of made that decision for yourself when you crashed the car, son.  If I don’t do this, you won’t learn, and something else might happen to you.  Something bad.”

“Good!”  He starts to sob.  “I don’t care! I want to die! That’s why I did it!”

I’m silent for several moments.  “Mason…”

“Just get out!” He screams and gets up from his chair, walking briskly towards me.  “Get the hell out of here!”

He shoves me back against the wall with his good arm.  Kid is strong as ever, injuries and all.

This time, I don’t slap him.  Thank God for therapy.

“All right.  I get it.  I’ll leave you here, so you can cool off.”

“What?”

I knock on the door.  “I’m ready.”  

“Dad.”

I say nothing.  

“Dad!”

The door is opened finally and a uniformed officer stands in front of me, Sheriff at his side.  “I’m done.  He can sweat it out here until his court date.  I’m not posting his bail, and if his mother tries to bail him out, you tell her I’m pressing charges.”  

The Sheriff sighs.  “You sure about this?”

I don’t hesitate.  “I’m sure.”

“Go ahead Mike,” The sheriff nods to the officer at his side.

I walk out and the officer walks in, pulling his handcuffs from his belt.

“DAD!”

He’s screaming.  I hear the officer telling my son to calm down.

“DAD DON’T LET THEM TAKE ME AWAY!  DON’T LET THEM!”r32;

This time, he sounds like he’s lost it.

I cringe.  I don’t want to turn back.  Don’t want to rescue him, because I’m so fucking angry right now.

“Justin, are you sure about this?” Mac whispers from his position across the hallway.  

I hate myself.  I’m so damn torn.  I just want to walk away from him, let him learn his lesson and cry to his mother.  Something is holding me back...

He has the same eyes as Vic and I can’t get past that either.  Staring into them tonight, has made my heart ache.  I can feel something nagging at me, pleading with me, to just take him home.

Maybe that’s what he needs more than anything.  A firm, orderly lifestyle.  I can give that to him.  I can force him to have a curfew, and abide by the rules I set into place for him.  He’ll have to do it, or I’ll put him right back here.

Maybe it’ll be good for him…good for us, to be together for a little while.

I know at this point, Abbey can’t handle him, and I need her to give Conner her undivided attention.

“Just…wait.”  I turn back to the Sheriff.  “Don’t process him.  I’ll take him home, to my place, but I want him under house arrest until his hearing.”

“Bring him out Mike,” The sheriff says, and a moment later, my son is dragged out of the interrogation room, with his hands cuffed behind him.

“Daddy please,” he whimpers, like he’s an eight year old all over again.  “I’m…I’m sorry.”

“The only way you’re leaving here, is with me, and you’ll be staying at my place until the court date.  We’ll find a therapist on Monday, and you’ll go as many times a week as you need to.”

He nods slightly, but can’t stop sobbing enough to answer.

“Let him go,” I mutter.

Officer Mike removes the handcuffs and my son races to me, throwing his arms around me in a tight embrace.

I don’t even know how to react, because it’s been so long since I’ve done this with him, but eventually I’m able to return the embrace and whisper to him that he’s going to be okay and that I love him.

I guess this was his wake up call, although, I have no idea what the next few weeks will be like with him in my house.

Now that I think about it, we’ve never spent that much time one on one.

But I have to do it, for the sake of his future.