“What?”

He finally looks away from me, smirks, and continues to watch the TV.  “I guess I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

“Surprised?”

“You told me hell would freeze over before you’d give in to Vickie’s gymnastics thing.”

“Yeah well...my husband and I compromised, and I guess his relationship with his brother is more important than my daughter concentrating on her grades.  I mean, school is important, at least to me, but Justin doesn’t see things my way.  He knows his money can get her into college if the gymnastics thing doesn’t work out, and I know that too. Mason is the brain...Vic will never be, and I’ve decided to just accept that and let her live the life she wants to.”

“Sounds like an excuse to make your life easier.”

I roll my eyes.  While he’s my best friend, and will always be, he’s also the most brutally honest person in my life.  “Give me a break here, Bray.”

“I really don’t think gymnastics should come before school.  There’s going to be time for her to do that after she graduates.”

“Well, you’re not her father.  Justin is, and he wants her to succeed at this thing more than anybody else in the world.  I’ll give him that, because he does everything for this family.”

Braeden doesn’t say anything.  He’s disappointed, of course.  He accepts our children like they’re his own, Jessica does too, because they don’t have any, and as much as Justin and I...and our entire family have pushed the subject, they still haven’t attempted to have one.  Bray says they’re fine, that they’re busy...

But of course I know there’s more to it than that.  I haven’t brought it up in a long time.  The last time I did, Braeden got all bent out of shape, told me that I should know his reasons, and ended the conversation.  

He’s much better than he was all those years ago, but I know there’s a part of him that will never be completely “there” again.  Jessica can understand that too, better than anybody else.  It’s why she married him.

My husband’s “quality time weekend” with Davey and his boyfriend did more good than I originally thought.  It sort of snapped Justin back into place, and I think he was able to remember who his brother really was.  Later in bed, he would tell me that he knew Davey was different all along, and I congratulated him for getting his stubbornness regarding the situation out of his system.  Happy time ensued, naturally, but Justin deserved it, and as much as I tried to pretend sex didn’t phase me, the truth was...I’d been horny for a week and it was stressing me out.

They want to get married, and because I pushed Justin to be more accepting of who Davey is, he’s taking that scenario a lot better than he would have.  Personally,I can’t wait.  Tim is a sweet guy, and I can tell he really loves Davey.  They’ll make a great couple, and I’m even hoping that they’ll decide to adopt one day...but I’m not going to push my luck.  It’s one step at at time, this thing, and for now I’ll have fun helping my son plan his ceremony.

Justin and I still act like two stupid kids sometimes, grope each other and make love like a couple of animals, but I wouldn’t want things any other way.  I love, loving him.  I don’t think I could ever stop, and its why when we have guests, it’s so hard to keep our hands off each other.  I want him just as bad as he wants me, but I don’t want our guests to hear any strange noises coming from the master bedroom.

Especially since Braeden and his wife are the ones staying with us.

Too much time had passed between visits, and it showed when they walked through the door.  Braeden and I hugged harder than we had in a very long time, and I wasn’t sure, but I could only guess that something might have been going on with him that he neglected to tell me about.  While we talked often through phone calls and Skype, there were several weeks that we simply didn’t have time, between my schedule with the kids, and his work and spending time with Jessica.  It sucked, because when we did have time to talk, we found that there was a lot to talk about.  I vowed to make more time with him this visit than normal, but now...

Now I’m sort of regretting it.

He doesn’t know what goes on.  He doesn’t get what kind of parents we are, or more specifically...what kind of a father Justin is.  He’s been around us for years of course, and has attended almost every major family function that Justin and I have thrown together.  He and Jessica are even Conner’s Godparents, they’re family, and I know if they lived closer things might be different.  He might understand how we live more, why we make the decisions we do when it comes to the kids...but he just doesn’t.  Because of his business and because of Jessica’s law career they’ll always live in Chicago.  For years I’ve hated that separation, but now...now I guess it isn’t so bad, because I can’t be badgered by him like this.

It’s just not right.

“I just don’t want to see her miserable in ten years,” he finally sighs.  “I’m out of line...I know I am.  Sorry, Babs.”

I can’t help but smirk slightly.  After all this time, he still calls me by that little pet name.  I have no doubt that Justin knows, but, I know he accepts it.  Braeden and I will always have a different kind of friendship, but at the same time, I could never stop loving Justin.  “It’s Vic.  She’s not going to be miserable as long as she gets her way.  I know you just want to see her do well.  We all do.”

He shrugs.  “Yeah.  I do.”

“Look, are you going to come to Florida with us?” I offer again.  “You haven’t been to Disney since we were kids.”

Justin brought it up a couple of nights ago, after the kids had gone off to bed for the evening.  I had mentioned to Justin that since we were going to Florida anyway, why not take Conner to Disney World as part of his birthday present?  We took the twins when they were ten.  Naturally, it was a tiring vacation, but Justin and I were still glad to have that experience.  Vic and Mason were just the right age, and since my parents had so graciously offered to babysit a then two year old Conner, Justin and I didn’t have an excuse not to do it.

I’ve wanted to take Conner more recently.  Even though he’s only eight, he’s pretty mature for his age, and I know it will be a trip he’ll remember.  I can’t wait to go there with him, can’t wait to show him all the things I showed the twins for the first time, and even though Justin pretends its too ‘magical’ for him, he didn’t hesitate to book the reservation for us shortly after I brought the subject up.

I love my sap.

“I don’t know...I have the business to think about, Ab...”

“You look like you could use a vacation, actually,” I laugh.  “Come on, Conner would love if you and Jessica came.  You saw how excited he was when you first got here.”

“Jess and I will have to talk about it some more.”

That’s all he says and then he goes back to watching the TV.

I sit back, frustrated, because for the first time in a very long time, I have no idea what’s really going on with him. A part of him seems like it’s just barely hanging on, and I’ve felt this way since he arrived here.  Jessica seemed perky and carefree as always.  While her and I have always been very friendly, we’ve never been able to connect like girlfriends usually do.  We don’t talk on the phone unless Braeden hands off the call to her so she can say hello.  At best, we’re “friendly,” but that’s as far as it goes.  She and Justin talk more, but I expect that.  Is it awkward? Sure...but I guess I expect that too.

I mean, hell, I was married to her husband at one point.  If I were her, I wouldn’t want to be best friends with me either.

In fact...when she took Vic shopping a couple of hours ago, I was never more happy to be rid of her.  She’s stuck like glue to Bray since they got here, never giving us a few minutes alone to talk, and the conclusion I’ve come up with is that she’s been trying to hide something from us as well.  I told Justin that, he said he didn’t see what the problem could be.  Again, he was stuck in his perfect little bubble where Braeden and Jessica are the best couple ever, so I dropped it.

“When are you going to admit something is going on with you,” I blurt out, suddenly.

He scoffs.  “You sound like my mother.”

“Well, she’s always been able to read you as well as I can.”

He sighs harshly and rubs his face with his hands.  “I promised that I wouldn’t talk about this with anybody.  Jess wanted this to be a positive trip for us.”r32;
“How can it be positive for you if you’re being fake?”

“I’ve been asking myself that since I got on the plane,” he laughs sadly.  “I dunno its like...everything’s been real good, you know? Then all of a sudden she just drops this ultimatum on me like...I better just do what she says, because that’s the way things are supposed to be.  I’m just not ready...”  He trails off and looks at me with an intense gaze.  “I’ve never been ready for my own kids, and I’m still not, but now...now she’s telling me we have to have a baby.”

I press my lips together and look down at my lap.  It’s not right, and I hate that he’s being pressured, but at the same time, I can sort of understand Jessica’s need to expand the family.  It’s crazy to admit we’re all getting older, but it’s the truth, and she doesn’t have that much time left to get pregnant.  “Bray...I get it.  You know I get it.  But you and her have a great thing going.  Why wouldn’t you want to start a family with her?”

“Because I don’t trust myself, that’s why.”

I don’t need to ask him anything else.  I know what his concerns are, because of what he did to me...what he did to his mother.  While we’ve all done our best to put those memories behind us, I know they still haunt him, and they always will.  He’s afraid he’ll lose it, hurt his own child, and I know if that happened there would be no turning back for Braeden.  He wouldn’t be able to handle it.

“Well, did you talk to the therapist about it?”

“Yeah but...he sided with me, and Jessica got all pissed off.  I don’t know what I’m going to do but, she’s serious.  She’s giving me another month and then...if I decide that I’m still not ready to take this step with her, she’s going to draw up the divorce papers.  I can’t...I can’t lose her, but I can’t do this either.  I’m about to just say fuck it all, and tell her to go ahead and do it if that’s how she wants things.  I love her but fuck...Ab...I can’t have a kid.  I just can’t.”

He starts to sob, and I don’t think, just pull him close to me and let him cry on my shoulder.  A part of me...a big part, wants to hate Jessica for how she’s making him feel, but then I think about how I would feel if Justin told me he never wanted to have children.  I just don’t know if I would have looked at our future the same, or if we’d be together right now.  The kids have complimented our lives amazingly, and if there was a way to show Braeden how good things could be if he compromised with his wife, I would show it to him.

But there’s not.

Some people just...aren’t cut out for parenthood, and after the hell he endured for seven years, I understand why he only wants to focus on his marriage and career.  In his mind, there’s no room for a child.

It’s just a very harsh reality for Jessica.  She didn’t count on this when they got married.  They were so young, didn’t take enough time to think about the future, and they’re paying the price now.  I guess I should consider myself lucky.  While Justin has his faults, pisses me off at times, I know we’ve always been very compatible, always had the same views...and we’ll always be together because we understand each other so well.

“If she can’t accept your lives for what they are...maybe you’re better off without her,” I say gently, as I stroke the back of his neck while he continues to sob.  “You can’t kill yourself like this.  It’s not fair to either of you.”

“You say that like it’s so easy to just...let her go.”  He sniffles loudly and picks his head up so he can look at me again.  He harshly wipes at his tears, as if he’s ashamed of them.  “Look at us, Abbey.  You and me...we were together, and look what happened when that fell apart.”

“This isn’t about that...”

“It’s the same fucking thing!  I just...I can’t make her happy!  I give her...fuck...I’ve given her every part of me!  There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for her outside of this, and she doesn’t see that.”

I hear the front door open and slam, and Braeden immediately straightens out his mood when Jessica’s laughter echos through the house.  Vic’s voice follows along happily.  Then...footsteps drawing closer to the grand room.

My daughter pops into the room first, running up to me with a wide smile on her face.  “Mom! Mom! Look at the awesome leotard Jessica got me!  It’s for Florida!”

She holds it up proudly.  Really, it looks like everything else she wears during her routines, but I force a smile for her anyway.  I’ve decided to be really positive with Vic about this “compromise,” because while I hate to admit it, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen her in my life.  “That’s really cute.  I hope you didn’t spend a lot, Jessica.  She has a ton of those things.”

“It was nothing.”  She puts her arm around Vic and laughs a little.  “I wanted her to have something new and cute to take with her to camp.”

“Just remember it’s not definite, Vic.” I try to hide my smile but fail.  I know that I’m going to give in at the end of our trip to the facility.  There just wouldn’t be a point in saying no to her once she sets foot inside the place, and I doubt my husband would allow it anyway.

She throws her arms around me so she can hug me tight, and I completely forget what I was about to say.  This never happens. Ever.  

Maybe things are changing now.  Maybe...this is a chance for Vic and I to become a little bit closer, and I think I would like that.  I really would.

“I love you, mom.”  She smiles, pecks me quickly on the cheek, and runs off.

I sit there stunned.

“Well, she’s certainly got her life all together,” Jessica laughs.  “She won’t stop talking about that camp.  I think we’re going to see her on the TV in a few years, winning a bunch of medals.”

I sigh. “Maybe...yeah.”

Braeden doesn’t say a word.  He just stares at his wife, and when she begins to stare back at him, the look on her face telling me she knows Braeden talked about what’s going on in their marriage, I take it as a cue to exit.  “I’m going to start dinner.”

They don’t answer.  I just keep going, desperate to get away from the two of them, as horrible as it is.

“Con would you get away!”  

Mason swats at his brother as he tries to focus on his papers spread out across the kitchen island, but it doesn’t seem to help. My little red head has taken it upon himself to turn Mason’s study material into a racetrack for his toy cars, and I can’t help but laugh slightly.  “What’s going on here?”

“Hi Mommy!” Conner smiles brightly as he continues to play with his toys.  

“Hey Big Red, are you helping Mason with his work?”

“Yeah!”r32;
“He’s helping me prepare to fail this final, that’s what he’s doing,” Mason mutters.  “It’s my last one, and I thought I could get a little piece and quiet today...but I guess that was too much to ask for.”

I go to the fridge and start pulling ingredients together.  “Why don’t you put those books away for a while and help me, huh?  I think steam is going to start drifting out of your ears in a minute.”

“Ma.”

I raise an eyebrow and narrow my eyes at him.

“Fine.”  He quickly closes everything, making sure to put it out of his brothers reach before he comes over and starts helping me cut up vegetables.  I turn the kitchen flat screen on for Conner, tell him to watch his cartoons while he plays with his toys on the top of the island.

Finally, peace.

“Where’s your father?”

Mason shrugs.  “He said he had to go see Austin about something.  Davey and his...partner...went too.  He said they might get dinner...just the four of them.  A guys night? I don’t know.”

I smile.  “Good.  They need that.”

“He said he was going to help me study for my Calculus final today.  I guess he forgot.  He forgets all of my stuff.”

I sigh a little.  While there’s some truth to that, this week has been a little overwhelming for Justin with Davey and everything.  I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt for the time being but I’ll make sure to mention it tonight.  “There’s just a lot going on, that’s all.  Your father tries hard.”  

He finishes cutting up a cucumber and starts in on a green pepper that I’ve handed to him.  “It’s always like this, and you know that.  It’s always about Vic first...or whatever Austin needs at the firm, and then Conner takes up the rest of his attention span.  He thinks I’m the self sufficient one.”

“Well, aren’t you?”

He’s quiet for a minute, but then I see a small smile creep onto his face.  “Maybe.”

“You know how much attention your sister needs, Mase.  Your father...he’s better at dealing with that.”

“She’s a spoiled brat.”

“C’mon, Mason.  You love your sister, and you don’t have it so bad.”

He’s silent, continues to cut the vegetables up harshly.  “Sometimes I wish I could be as spectacular as she is.  Maybe Dad would notice me more.”

I stop cutting.  “Mason, look at me.”

He won’t, but then I put my hand on top of his, forcing him to stop cutting and look up at me.  

“You’re a great kid,” I smile.  “Dad knows that, and he’s proud of you.  We both are.  You’re smart, and responsible...you’re always helping out around here.” I kiss his forehead.  “And if I can help you study, I will.  Your old mom has some smarts, even if math isn’t her strong point.”

“It’s advanced calculus,” he scoffs.  “It might as well be in Latin unless you’ve taken the course.  Dad knows it, that’s why I needed his help.”

“Then I’ll talk to him when he gets home.  How about that?”

He picks up his knife again and continues chopping.  “Don’t bother.  I’ll do fine on my own.”

I open my mouth to say something, but stop myself.  Mason has made valid points, and the horrible truth is, things have been this way for as long as I can remember.  I’ve always had a special bond with him, while Justin finds it hard to understand his son at times.  Mason has never been an energetic kid.  When he was younger, he found more joy in sitting and reading a book than going outside and running around with his father.  Justin could never quite understand that, stuck by Vic when she started getting older and into athletics.  I guess, he never looked back, and I stayed behind to help Mason mature and grow, while my relationship with my daughter faded.  It’s not that Justin doesn’t have a relationship with his son...he does.  They talk about his college plans most of the time, and Justin brings him to the firm sometimes and teaches him things about the business.

Except...Mason is still so unsure if that’s the path he wants to take.  Unfortunately, Justin is convinced that it’s the only one that’s right for his oldest son.

It’s no wonder the kid is so frustrated with his father all the time.

Mason helps me finish making dinner in silence, and I send him to set the table while I start to put the different food on platters and into serving bowls, all the while trying to get Conner to go wash up.  Justin calls me in the midst of it all to tell me he’ll be late...that he’s out with the boys, and I tell him not to worry about it, but that I want to talk to him at some point.

“Everything okay?”

He says it like his whole world has just stopped, and I can’t help the grin that makes its way across my face.  He just...cares so much, even though certain people can’t see that.  “Mostly.  Mason is just having a couple of issues and...Braeden...well, that’s another story.”

“I can just come home if you want, babe.”

“No, we’ll be fine.  I need to get Conner settled down anyway.  The idea of his birthday coming in the next couple of days is driving him wild.  We’d barely get to talk tonight as it is.”

“You know, Trace might come out for Big Red's party,” he tells me.  “He told me over the weekend.”

“Oh yeah?”  My smile grows.  It’s been too long since I’ve seen him, Shawna, and Derrick, and I know the kids would love to see them too.  “Great.  I’ve been dying to catch up with Shawna.”

“Oh yeah...well, that’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you about too.”

“What’d you mean?”

“We’ll talk about it later.  It’s not exactly the best topic to talk about on the phone.  Just call me, you know...if you need me to come back home.”

A sinking feeling forms in my stomach, and all I can think is that Trace and Shawna are having more problems.  I mean what are the odds? First Braeden and Jess and now our other friends are having marriage problems? It seems uncanny...but it’s happening.  “I will.”

“How’s Vic?”

“In her glory.  Jess bought her a fancy new leotard to take to Florida.  I think she’s upstairs packing everything she owns right now.  She even hugged me...crazy.”

He laughs gently.  While he’s excited for her, I know he’s worried about what it’s going to be like around here once she’s gone.  I know I’ve said nothing is finalized, but in my heart...I know that it really is.  Justin made the initial deposit on the camp just the other day, and any place that requires that big of a deposit just to “look around,” I know, is serious.  The one positive thing that might come out of her absence is that Justin will have more of an opportunity to focus on Mason, and I know that they need that, badly.

“All right well, let me say hey to Big Red, and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay.  I love you.”

“Love you more.”

“Con, honey! Daddy wants to say hi.”

He scrambles off of his stool and runs to take the phone from me.  “Hi Daddy! Yeah...I want a big BIG cake!”

I just laugh and continue getting dinner fixed properly, my mind a little bit clearer than it was before.  He can always do that, reassure me that everything is going to be fine, make me feel safe.  I know when he slips into bed with me tonight, and I feel his arms around me, I’ll be able to tell him a few things that have been bothering me, and he’ll listen...come up with the best solution just like he always does.

I’m so lucky to have him, so lucky to be able to love him.  

And I know I’ll never stop.  I don’t think there’s a thing in this world that could make me.

“Victoria! Dinner!” I yell it out as I carry the bowl of salad out to the dining room. Bray and Jess are there, and I can tell that she’s been crying, but she’s trying her best to hide it.  Braeden barely looks up from his empty plate as I put my salad down in the center of the table.

What a great visit this is turning out to be.

“Mommy! Mommy!” Conner starts running around the table as he bursts out of the kitchen.  His hands and clothes are covered in mud.  “I made a mud pie for dessert Mommy!”

I just stare at him, and then I hear it.  Braeden laughing.  Then I hear Mason doing the same thing, and I look at them both with a scowl on my face.  “Oh yeah, real funny.  You don’t have to clean this up three times a week when he sneaks out to do it.” I sigh harshly and grip Conner’s arm gently to stop him from running.  “C’mon lets get you cleaned up.  Mason, just serve everything okay?”

“Got it.”

r32;I drag my son upstairs, sighing and huffing the whole way.  “Victoria!”

No answer.  I can hear her radio playing softly, and I’m sure she’s tuning me out.  I take Conner into the bathroom, and run the faucet.  “Scrub up and I’ll be back okay?”

“But what about my mud pie?”

I sigh and shake my head.  “We’ll fix it after dinner.”

“K.”

“Vic!”  I yell again as I make my way down the hall and over to her closed door.  I knock quickly before I open it.  “Vic, it’s rude to hole yourself up in your room when we have guests.”

She’s sprawled out across the bed, face buried in her pillows, and I know she’s fast asleep.  I shake my head as I make my way over to her, and sit down on the bed.  My eyes scan her bedroom quickly, taking in all the trophies and awards that litter the walls and shelves.  There, on the nightstand, is a picture of her and her father, holding another first place trophy, smiling proudly.  I know it’s one of her favorite memories, and...I guess a part of me regrets that I missed out on that one.  But I was needed at a function for Conner that weekend.

Her father took care of it.

“Vic.”  I shake her slightly.  “C’mon, dinnertime.”

“Mm.”  She groans and turns her head slightly.  “I’m tired.”

“Honey you slept til eleven thirty,” I smile.  “We have company.”

“Where’s daddy?”

“Out with the boys.”  I tug on her arm so she’ll sit up.  “Let’s go.  Conner made mud pie again.”

“Oh God.”  She rubs her face.

She really is...tired.

It’s weird to see her this way.  It’s been happening a lot more lately.  She’ll be fine and then she’ll just get so tired all of a sudden and need a nap.  I’ve been telling myself its because of the competitions and Justin has agreed so we haven’t made her a doctors appointment...

But maybe we should.  

“Vic are you all right?” I stroke her hair lovingly.  “You’ve been tired lately.”

“It’s just State.  I’ve been practicing a lot.”

“Well, maybe we should get you checked before you go to Florida.”

“Mo-om I’m fine, God.”  She forces herself to her feet.  

“Well, don’t you have to get a physical anyway?”

She shrugs.  “I guess once things are finalized.  Dad would know.  He has all the info.”

I nod slightly.  “I’m going to make an appointment with Doctor Armsten anyway, just to be safe.”

“You worry too much, Mom,” she rolls her eyes.  “You try pushing your body to the limit thirty plus hours a week and see how much energy you have at the end.”

She walks away, and I sigh.  Maybe I do worry too much.

I mean, that’s my job though, I’m the momma, and I don’t know why...

I just have a bad feeling.  One that’s telling me Vic is more than just tired.