(Present Day)

“I told you a little time away would do you some good.”

I shrug, continue to watch my son and my best friends son Derrick playing with their toys and looking out over the Yachts railing, squealing with joy when they see the dolphins swimming around down below.  It gets me to smile, but inside a part of me feels like shit.  I mean, I shouldn’t.  That part of my life…those feelings, they’re in the past now, and what I do in my life isn’t her concern.  I lied to her about something that had to do with our son though, so maybe…that gives me a reason to feel guilty.  I told Abbey this trip was for business, when in reality I’ve been planning this vacation with Trace for weeks.  There’s no work here, aside from some emails and cell phone calls.  We’ve rented a luxury Yacht for a ten day trip around various parts of Europe, wanted to take our sons and have a good time. Trace got divorced over a year ago, and while I said I would be married to that woman for the rest of my life, here I sit, divorced, single, and to be honest, about ready to start playing the field again.  It’s like old times with Trace and I.  No barriers, besides our kids, to keep us from the other fish in the sea.

Austin told me he couldn’t believe I was ready to go on a date so soon, and I told him, I have to have a life after Abbey.

We’re not as close anymore.  Then again, Austin and I have always sort of butted heads.  I mean, I love him…he’s my brother, but we’re both stubborn, and stick to what we believe in.  He’s always had a close bond with Abbey too, so I know he’s just trying to stick up for her, or…get us back together like he did when he was a kid.

This time though, we won’t be getting back together.  I’ve accepted it.

When I picked Conner up, I think it was the first time we were really civil with each other since the divorce finalized, hell, even before that.  We haven’t gotten along since Vic…since she took a turn for the worse.  Now, I’m trying to see through the fog thats seemed to blanket our lives for so long.  I want to make Conners life the best and the happiest it can be.  I mean, Mason…Mason is my son too, but he’s not going to budge.  He has it set in his mind that I destroyed the family and I wasn’t there for ‘mom’ like I should have been.  I told him if that’s how he felt, I would have to accept it, but I couldn’t wallow in misery because of it.  He’s 17, grown, knows I’m here if he needs anything, and I guess that’s the way things will be for awhile.

I try not to think about it, try not to let it bother me.

Conner is all I have left, and I’ll do anything to make sure we always have a good relationship.  If I lost Big Red, I think it would push me completely over the edge.  At first, when Abbey was giving me an issue about contesting to the divorce, I wanted to file for sole custody and Mac told me it would be easy enough to win.  Something stopped me though.

I guess…I guess I didn’t want to see Abbey lose one more part of her life either, because a part of me still cared about her.

A part of me always will.

“We’ll be docking momentarily gentlemen,” The captain informs us. “I’ve informed your chauffeur of your arrival time, and he will be waiting to drive you to the resort.”

“Thanks David,” I smile for him.

“Just yell if you need anything in the meantime.”  He smiles once more and rushes off to attend to something else.

“You’re gonna love this place man.  A private villa just for you and Conner, no one around to bug you, and I’m sure there will be plenty of eye candy,” he smirks.  “They have day care too…just in case.”

I roll my eyes.  “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

“Hey I said we were going to have fun on this trip.  It doesn’t have to be all Romper Room.”

I shrug.  “I know…I just…I want to give Conner a good vacation, that’s all.  I want him to remember it, make some memories with me.”

“Damn, you know…I’m sort of glad we’re bachelors again and everything, but the sappiness has stuck with you.”

I suck in a silent breath, because his words have hit me hard.  He’s right.  I am a big old sap, and the only reason for that, is because my ex wife brought it out of me…because she cared…

God.

I get up quickly, and Trace doesn’t hesitate to give me a concerned look.  “I’m gonna get Conner ready to dock, all right?”  

“You okay, man?”

He knows.  He’s not stupid.  Things with Abbey and I were a lot different than they were between him and Shawna.  Trace was never cut out for marriage, really.  He’s always been too focused on work and business, and Shawna was never the type that had patience for that lifestyle.  He married her out of necessity, because she gave him an ultimatum.  Abbey was always able to conform, because she loved me, and I loved her…I loved her so hard.  Sometimes, I still can’t believe we really did it, that we really signed papers and split up for good.

But we did.

The worst part about it is that Vic is still gone.  Getting divorced didn’t change that.  Hell, I don’t even know if it made things better, because our kids are a mess and when I look at Abbey, I can tell a part of her, a huge part of her, has died along with our daughter.

I tell myself that I’m fine.

But I’m just as fucked up.  That’s where therapy comes in, although, I haven’t been going as often.  I’m too caught up in my life, I guess.  Austin still runs the day to day operations of Timberlake Financial, but I’m still very much involved from the sidelines.  That mixed with planning my youngest brothers nuptials has kept me busy since the funeral.  I kind of dove head first into that, because it helped me to forget what was going on.  I think that was when I truly lost any hope of having a relationship with Mason.

I regret it.  I regret a lot of things, but at least I spent every possible minute I could with Vic before she passed.

That’s the most important thing.

I keep her picture with me, in my wallet, take it out when I’m having a really terrible day.  Sometimes seeing her brilliant smile is the only thing that can get me through.  It helps me remember her, remember what life was like when she was still with us.  When I could still hug her and promise her the entire world if that’s what would make her the happiest.

Maybe I loved her too much.  Maybe that’s my biggest downfall.  

“What’s going to happen to me?”

I look into her eyes.  They’re just like Abbey’s but when I look over my shoulder to see her reaction to our daughters response, she’s not there.  It’s okay.  She just needs a minute.  “Well, there’s different treatments…”  I force myself to give her a positive smile, and squeeze her hand.  “They’ll try a few things to find out what works best, and then you’ll get better.”

“But it’s…Daddy it’s Cancer.”  Her bottom lip trembles, and I know she’s never been more scared than she is right now.  “You don’t just get…better…from Cancer.”

“Right,” I nod.  “But we’re fighters right? We don’t give up, for anything, or anyone.  We fight as hard as we can, and we will, baby.  I’m gonna be right here with you.”

She nods, but when the tears glide down her cheeks, I know words aren’t the answer right now.

She’s terrified.

“C’mere.”  I pull her close to my chest, and she wraps her arms around me, so tight, like she’ll never let me go, and sobs harshly into my chest.  I try to return her embrace, force it to tell her that I’m here, that I’ll always be able to protect her, that I’ll be able to save her from this.

But I…I just don’t know if I can.  

And that’s when I feel the tears again.

“Daddy.”

I snap out of it, see my son standing there looking bewildered.  He looks at me this way a lot.  I remember…after the funeral, I sat out by the pool all day just thinking about…about everything.  Eventually Conner wandered out there, and just stared at me like he had no clue what to do with himself.  Vic was always the mediator with him, took him under her wing when he started to get on Mason’s nerves.  She was his protector…his ‘big sis’, and I don’t think he could comprehend that she wasn’t coming back.

I couldn’t hug him that day, because I didn’t want to cry in front him.  I told him to go find out where his grandmother was instead.  I spent a lot of time with my therapist so I could act normal around him again.  It worked I guess, because we’re here.  He’s never really understood where Vic went though.  I’ve tried to explain it to him so he’ll understand, but mostly, he thinks she just went on a trip that she’ll eventually return from.

“You can’t let Big Red miss me.  He has to know I’ll be looking out for him.”

Vic’s voice is raspy and her eyes are half closed.  I gently pull the chair up to her bedside and sit down, making sure to grab her hand and lace my fingers through it.  Her skin is cold, sickly…half dead.

I don’t say it, because I can’t say it.  If I say it, I’ll crack…

But she doesn’t have long, a few more weeks, if we’re lucky.

“He’s not going to miss you,” I smile gently and kiss her hand.  “You’re not going anywhere.  You’re going to get better.”

“Daddy.”  The smile eventually finds its way onto her lips, and it seems to take every ounce of her strength to hold it in place.  “Promise me you’ll…help him to understand.”

I can’t cry.

But I am, because she’s accepted this.  She’s accepted that there are no more treatments, no more options.

And that means I have to accept it too.  I have to accept it today, because she needs me to.

“I promise, Vic.”

“And you…”  She forces her eyes to open wider.  “You have to help Mason too.”

I nod.

“You have to Daddy.  You…you have to talk to him more.  He doesn’t think…that you want to talk him.  He thinks you like me better and I never…I never wanted that Daddy.”

“I’ll talk to him.”

“Promise.”

“I promise, Vic.”

“Daddy.”

Damn it.

I sniffle and harshly wipe at my face.

“Daddy are you sad like mommy?”

I ruffle his hair and smile harshly for him.  “I’m okay buddy.”

I’m a liar, but what my son just said sticks with me as we prepare to leave the ship.

At least I know Abbey is going through the same type of thing.  I just wish we could get through it together, but it’s too late now.

“Make sure mom knows I…understand.  I know why she hasn’t…hasn’t been able to come.  Promise me…promise me that…you’ll stick together.”

“I…”  I can’t continue.  I look down at the mattress while I continue to squeeze her hand.  I sob like a little baby, because I know how bad things are between Abbey and I…that they won’t get better.

But she doesn’t know that.  At least, she’s not supposed to…but Mason may have filled her in about whats been going on at home, despite my warnings.

“Daddy.”

I collect myself.  I have to.  Then I look her in they eyes again.

“Daddy please.” Her voice is weaker now.  Weaker than it’s ever been.

“I-I promise Vic.”

She nods slightly and her eyes slide closed again after a moment.  She’s asleep within minutes and it’s only then that I’m able to slip away.  Out in the hall, I can’t do anything else but break down. No one bothers me.  They know what’s going on, what’s going to happen in a couple of weeks.

I’ll be bringing her body home with me.

Remembering all of that chills me to the core, because I know that I went back on my word, my promise to Vic, and I’ll regret it for the rest of my life.
**************
(Chemotherapy Week 2)

“Vic.” I rap lightly on the door and listen.  When I hear her quietly sobbing on the other side, I feel my heart break a little bit more.

“Just go away.”

I narrow my eyes but Abbey doesn’t seem to have an answer for me.  She looks down at the ground, because she knows what’s wrong.  She told me it was starting, but Vic has been doing everything she can to hide it from us.

It’s been hard.  I can’t deny that.  Telling her was like torture.  The only thing she wanted to know was how long it was going to take to get better and if she could still go to camp anyway.  Naturally, the answer was no, and it seemed to kill something inside of my daughter.  She hasn’t been the same, not with us, not with her friends or her brothers. But I guess…we knew she wouldn’t be.

 Abbey and I have put our lives on hold due to everything that’s happened.  I feel like shit, because Conner barely had a birthday.  With Vic’s new treatments, we had time for a cake and a few friends at the house.  He sort of understands that his sister isn’t feeling well, but we haven’t elaborated.  He’s eight…too innocent to deal with something scary like Cancer, so we’ve played it off as the sniffles.  Mason doesn’t like it.  He told us we should be honest with Conner so he doesn’t get hurt if something bad happens.
I wanted to smack my son for even thinking that Vic isn’t going to beat this thing.  Abbey has defended him time and time again, tells me he’s a realist or some stupid crap like that.  I told her he has an attitude problem that needs adjusting.

We’re trying to avoid that argument.  We can’t afford to have any at this juncture.

“Vic, honey…it’s really not so bad.  We’re going to the hair people tomorrow, and you…you won’t even notice the difference.”

“I told you to leave Mom! Just leave!”

“Jesus.”  Abbey mutters it and rubs her face harshly.  “I…I don’t know what to do…”

I lean in and give her a soft kiss on the forehead.  “Why don’t you take a few minutes, okay? I’ll…I’ll figure this out.”

“I can’t just leave you to deal with it.”

“Ab, it’s fine,” I nod, and force a smile.  It’s all I’ve been doing lately, forcing smiles, shaking hands, staying positive for everyone, when in reality I’ve just wanted to break down and bawl like a baby.

I can’t though.  I’m the man…the dad, the strong one.

I refuse to let Vic see me cry, because I know if she does…she’ll start to think things aren’t going to work out.

But they will work out.  

“Go on,” I whisper.  “Go check on Conner and fix yourself something to eat.  You’re exhausted.”

She gives me this look like I’m worse than she is.  She’s probably right too, but I couldn’t care less.

“Just…just let me know if you need something.”

“I will.”

I watch her go, and wait until she’s completely out of site before I try to open the door. Vic didn’t lock it, but I approach with caution once my eyes land on her.  She’s curled up in the corner of the bathroom, hands balled into fists in her lap, clutching the remaining blond clumps of hair from her head.  She’s completely bald now, and I feel…I feel a searing pain begin to form in the pit of my stomach.  My cheeks grow hot, and I know I’m about thirty seconds away from losing it.  I can’t even get any words out…it’s taking all of my strength to hold my emotions back from Vic.  

“I’m a freak,” she moans.  “Look at me…just fucking look at me!”

“Victoria.” I say it softly, but sternly.  

She throws the clumps of hair at me, and begins to bawl hysterically.  It’s…it’s almost strange.  In sixteen years I’ve never seen her lose it like this.  She’s always been strong and resilient, never letting anything get her down, because that’s how I raised her.

Now she’s just…hopeless, even though I remind her every single day that we’re going to beat this and get back to normal.

It’s like she doesn’t believe me.

I take the initiative because I know I have to, and go sit down beside her.  “C’mon.”  I slowly put an arm around her shoulders, and pull her into me.  She doesn’t push me away.  I don’t think she has it in her.  Instead she takes advantage and cries harshly into me.  She wont’ do this with her mother.  She barely talks to her now.  She just clings to me because she’s scared.  It’s like when she was a little kid…the only person that could ever seem to get through to her was me.

So I let her do it.  I’d do anything to make her feel just a little bit better about all this.

“You’re still gorgeous,” I whisper in her ear.  “Nothing can take that away.”

“Daddy.”

She’s looking up at me now, her blue irises even bolder now with her hair missing.

“Yeah, Vic.”  I reach out and slowly wipe some of her tears away with the tips of my fingers.  

“Am I going to die?”

My heart skips a beat, but I do my best not to seem alarmed.  “Of course not.”

“I was reading,” she whimpers.  “They said that…that there’s a better chance of death with my type of Cancer…”

“Stop it.”  I grip her firmly by the shoulders.  “You’re not going to die,” I tell her harshly.  “Do you understand?”

“You can’t know that,” she sobs.  “How can you know that?”

“Because we’re fighting back, Vic. All this…your hair and the vomiting, it’s not for nothing.”

She shakes her head slowly.  

“It’s another couple of weeks, that’s all.  Then we should hear some results.  This medicine…it’ll probably kill the Cancer and then we can move on.  You just have to hang on a little longer, Vic.”

“Doctor Pierson said if this doesn’t work I’ll have to get radiation and it will make me sicker,” she says quietly.  “I don’t want to be sicker than this.”

I rub her shoulders consolingly, close my eyes as I gently kiss the top of her head . “You won’t have to get radiation.”

“Do you promise?”

“I…”  I have to stop.  Abbey will kill me for giving her false expectations.  Dr. Pierson already warned us about doing that.  At the same time though…I can’t stand to see her this way.

I have to give her something to hope for, to look forward to.

“I promise, Vic.  Now come on, we have to be at the hospital in an hour, and then maybe we can go to a movie after chemo if you feel okay.”

She manages a small smile after a moment.  “All right.”

I kiss her face.  “That’s my girl.”  I help her to her feet next and into the hall where the wheelchair is waiting. We’ve moved all of her things into a downstairs guest room for the time being.  It’s just easier. The chemo has taken most of her energy away.  Last week she slipped and fell down half a flight of stairs so Abbey and I decided we couldn’t take anymore chances.  Vic hates this, but I was firm with her, told her she didn’t have a choice because it was her safety at stake.

“Baby.”

I open the front door for us and look back over my shoulder, smiling slightly when I see her standing there.  “Yeah?”

“Can we talk after you get Vic settled?”

“Um…sure Ab…”  I trail off and look back down at my daughter, who is staring up at me curiously.  Her eyes are sunken in and have dark circles underneath them.  She looks so damn sick…

I shudder.

I get Vic settled in the car, leave the on the a/c and some music before kissing her cheek and telling her that I’ll be right back.  She rolls her eyes but doesn’t protest, which I guess is good.  

“Hey.”  I skid to a stop in the open doorway and my gaze lands on my wife who is sitting on the small sofa in the foyer, arms crossed.

She’s pissed.

“Justin,” she sighs.  “I heard you talking about the radiation with Vic…”

“Abbey.”  I say it gently but firmly before stepping all the way back inside the house and closing the door behind me.  “She’s panicked right now.  I just wanted her to feel better.”

“Promising her something like that at this stage is cause for disaster,” she says it seriously.  “You know that.”

“She’s not going to need radiation.”  I laugh it out, like I’m blowing the idea off.  Like I’m not worried about it.  “She’ll get through the next couple of weeks of Chemo and we’ll all move on with our lives.”

My wife debates what I’ve said for several moments.  It’s like she’s fighting some crazy battle with herself and I don’t have a clue why.  “Ab?”

“Pierson said I shouldn’t tell you.”

My stomach drops, and I feel my eyes grow wide, intense.  “Tell me what?”

She shakes her head.

“Tell me what!”  I scream it at her.

I never scream at her.  Hell, I’ve barely raised my voice to her in fifteen years.  It shows. She’s staring me down like I’m the worst husband in the world right now.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” I whisper, rubbing the back of my neck with my hand.  When I pull it away, I find that it’s soaked in sweat, and my hand itself is trembling.  “I didn’t meant to yell at you.”

She sighs harshly and slowly makes her way over to where I’m standing.  “This isn’t easy for me either, Justin.”

I grip her hands in mine and place a gentle kiss on her lips.  “What’d the doctor say?”  The tears are right behind my eyes, threatening to spill over, and it’s all I can do to keep my emotions hidden from her.

“He called yesterday, while you were out handling things with Austin.  He said…” She trails off and pulls her hands from mine, so she can rub her face harshly.  When she takes them away, her eyes are filled with tears.  “He said that nothing has changed.”

My mouth falls open.  “Nothing?”

She shakes her head.  “He said it…he said it’s getting worse.”

I laugh.  I think it’s the only thing I can do.  The only alternative is to break down and bawl like a baby, and I can’t.  I can’t be a mess for my wife, and I certainly can’t be a mess for my kids.

“How is this funny to you?” Abbey snaps.

“He’s just doesn’t know what he’s saying…he’s a quack, that’s all.  I’ll find another doctor.”

“He’s the best damn doctor in the country, Justin!  You just don’t want to accept that this thing is bigger than we originally thought!”

She’s right.  I hate that.  I hate it, because it makes me feel powerless, like there’s nothing else I can do right now but wait and see what a stronger treatment will do to my daughter.

“Maybe I just have a little more faith than you do.  I mean, fuck Ab, you couldn’t even stick around in the hospital room after we told her.  You just walked out and left me to handle it!”

She’s silent.

I shouldn’t have said that, shouldn’t have brought it up. 

“Okay, that’s fine, Justin. Take her to Chemo and keep lying to her, give her false expectations, so when it really matters, she’ll turn into an even bigger mess.  In the meantime, I’m going to make sure our other children aren’t being neglected.”

“Neglected? What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

But she doesn’t answer me, she just storms away.  To be honest, we’ve never had a fight like this since we’ve been married.

It worries me just slightly, but then I remember that my daughter is waiting…waiting for me to take her to Chemo and promise that she’s going to be just fine.  That’s the priority.

That’s the priority even if it means putting Abbey to the back of my mind for now.