(Present day)
It took three days of tests before Vic’s doctors would come back with the result. We didn’t go home during those three days. Justin and I would spend the night sleeping against one another while my parents, Bray and Jess looked after Conner and Mason. When they said Cancer to us that morning in the intensive care waiting room, I felt my entire body go rigid. My husband squeezed my hand extremely hard, but it brought me no comfort.
I was numb.
I was numb up until the moment we sat down with the lead doctor that day. After that, I just felt sick to my stomach, every single day until the end.
My daughter has Leukemia
It’s like something I would read about in a magazine, see on Dateline or support at a charity function of Justin’s.
But now it’s affecting me, and as I sit here, shocked beyond belief that this is happening, all I can think is that up until now my daughter and I have barely connected, barely shared those special moments together that Justin has always made sure to.
I’m not sure if that makes me a horrible person, but I know this has given me the wakeup call of a lifetime.
I swear...God, please, I will do better if you can just help Vic through this one thing.
“So what...” Justin pauses, bites his lip, closes his eyes. I grasp his hand, which he squeezes harshly and it seems to give him the strength to continue. “What does it mean? We tried reading the diagnosis...it just...it doesn’t make sense. I can’t understand most of the words and neither can Abbey.”
Victoria’s lead doctor leans forward. He’s a little older than Justin with kind eyes and a smile to match. As soon as she was diagnosed my husband made it his mission to find the very best doctor that money could buy and flew him and his team out here, put them up in a hotel and asked them to do whatever they could to help our baby.
“Victoria has a type of cancer called ALL or...Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. It stems from the bone marrow in the body and can be treated a number of ways. I’ve called you both here to go over those options so we can choose the best one.”
“I don’t understand,” I say, trying to keep the quiver out of my voice. “She’s...she’s been fine up until now.”
“It usually happens that way,” the doctor says gently. “We don’t know the exact cause of the cancer, but the most important thing is to battle it in it’s early stages which we’re able to do. Now there are three different options. We can start out with the chemo and see how it goes. In thirty percent of my cases, it’s been the treatment that’s gotten the patient into remission.”
“What about the rest?” I blurt out. “What about them?”
“Abbey...” Justin croaks, and looks me in the eyes, trying to calm me down. “Just listen.” He kisses my cheek and squeezes my hand again.
“Radiation is another option. It’s a much stronger treatment, with much harsher side effects, but very effective. Of course there is a bone marrow transplant option as well, if we can find a suitable donor. Everyone in the family should be tested once we perform the bone marrow biopsy on Victoria. If one of you is a match, it’ll be her best chance.”
Justin considers this for several moments. “And if there is no match?”
“Then we look for one. There are ways of finding donors, extended family...things like that.”
“How...how long does that take?” I croak.
“It varies...” The doctor trails off and I look up at him, watching him taking a long breath. “I don’t want you to be focused on the bad. The only thing that will do, is make the situation harder than it already is.”
Justin nods, shifts his weight in the chair and doesn’t let go of my hand. When I look at him, I see a strong determination in his eyes. He’s ready to do whatever he has to do, and thank God, because I’d be a mess without him right now. “So how...how do we tell her?”
Doctor Pierson eyes us strangely. “You haven’t discussed it yet?”
Neither of us answer. Vic is still in the hospital, and while she’s been asking us if they found out what’s going on with her, neither of us has had the stamina to say anything to her. I know it’s just that we don’t want to deal with her reaction yet. We dont’ want to shatter all of her dreams. She has so many…she’s so young…
Just a baby.
“We’re not really…experienced at this sort of thing,” Justin says, his voice cracking. “I’ve…God…I’ve gone over it in my head a thousand times, how we should tell her. But then we go in and…and I look at her…I’m sorry…”
He trails off and covers his eyes, before he hunches over and sobs. It scares me. Seeing him cry makes the whole situation that much more real, because Justin doesn’t cry. He hasn’t had a reason to since we sorted out our relationship years ago.
Our lives have been almost perfect since that time.
And now this.
I rub his back soothingly, feeling the tears dripping off the bottom of my chin. “We have to figure out a way to tell her,” I say to the doctor.
“If you’d like I can help,” he says quietly. “I can try to explain some of these things to her, so she’ll understand what’s happening, in a way that won’t be as intimidating.”
Not as intimidating? Telling a sixteen year old that they have a life threatening disease isn’t going to be intimidating? I feel like strangling the guy, and screaming that in his face.
But I can’t.
I wipe the tears off my face as the memory fades away.
Aside from the funeral, it was the only time I would ever see my husband cry so hard in front of other people. His anger would take the place of his tears after awhile. Our terrible fights would take the place of any emotional breakdowns. I know one of the only places he sought some kind of emotional refuge was at Vic’s bedside. I mean…how fucked up? Me, his own wife, couldn’t let him cry on her shoulder, so he had to do it at our sick child’s bedside, alone?
I have so much regret.
But it’s too late for regret. There’s only the future, and I just…I just know I don’t have one with him.
He’s gone, and it’s just me and my kids now. My lawyer tells me that I’m getting everything I wanted, but she can’t understand. She doesn’t know us. She doesn’t know about that day in Texas, the way he kissed me in that parking lot in such a way that I knew my life wouldn’t be complete unless I was with him for good.
That’s what I miss. I miss the way we were then. Just…hopelessly in love with each other, knowing that we were always meant to be together.
I blame myself. Mason blames his father, is uncomfortable around me, and I don't know how to handle it. Connor just wants Daddy to come back home, and doesn’t understand why Vic can’t come back too.
I miss my daughter. My heart hasn’t stopped aching for her since that day, and I still can’t sleep through the night, knowing she isn’t ever coming back.
But I think Justin misses her more, and it’s why this happened.
It has to be why...
Or maybe it’s me. Maybe I was so caught up, trying to be mother of the year that I forgot about us. Maybe our intimacy was dying out...our private moments together, the ones we cherished so much, were becoming very few and far between as we got older and our children began to have agendas that ran us ragged.
And from the day Vic was diagnosed, those moments seemed to disappear.
A year ago, if you sat there and told me my daughter would be dead and I’d be so tired of screaming at my husband that I would force myself to ask him for a divorce, I would have slapped you and called you fucking crazy.
What’s really sad is, that’s exactly what happened, and here I am, trying to remember what my life was like a year ago.
Trying to remember the last time I was happy.
I forgot what that feels like.
It’s tearing me apart, and I’d give anything to have Justin here with me right now, his memory wiped clean of all the horrible things we said to each other, wiped clean of that night...the night that I packed up our boys and told him I was leaving for good. He’d smile, and kiss my forehead, pull me into his strong arms and reassure me that everything was going to be okay.
That I had his heart, just like always.
But that can’t be, because he can’t forget any of it...how I kept him from our children and refused to compromise. How I practically forced us into divorce, left him with no choice unless he didn’t want to see his kids anymore, and he wasn’t going to have it. He wasn’t going to lose anymore than he had already. I wish I could have slowed down...stopped being so angry for five minutes and put myself in his place. I wish I could have thought about...about how close he really was with Vic. About the special bond they’d always shared. I wish I could have thought about how her illness was completely ripping him apart, yet he was still able to find time for our boys in between.
I blamed him for too much.
He never blamed me, he just took it, and took it, until...until she was gone.
Then he snapped. I was too much for him to handle when that happened, and I wasn’t there for him like I should have been. I felt he was ‘selfish’ and ‘didn’t care about us’
Fuck, his daughter died.
Our daughter.
I can’t face it, and I thought I would be able to. I thought I would be able to look Vic’s death in the eye and accept it...move on.
But she’s been gone for too long and I still feel like she’s just away or something...that I’ll have time later to make up for not being as involved in her life as I should have been.
But I won’t have time. There’s no second chances, and that’s something I’ll have to live with. Justin was never as close with Mason but now...now he has that chance to bond with him more than he ever has before only...he hasn't made that much of an effort yet.
I guess I’m jealous. Jealous because he can have that chance and I’ll never get one with Vic. I had sixteen years with her, and I couldn’t make one of them special for the two of us.
That makes me awful, terrible, and unfit to raise the boys.
I drove for a long time after I abandoned the documents sitting in front of me at the lawyers meeting, my mind swimming with so many memories of the last fifteen years, my vision flooded with so many tears that I had to pull over and calm down, before I could drive on. Eventually I found myself at our favorite beach, and I watched the waves until the light was gone from the sky. I considered sleeping there, but I knew my little boy needed me, so I went home. There was a message on the machine, and the ID said that it was from Justin.
I didn’t listen, just deleted it. I couldn’t bare to hear him yell at me, criticize me for not facing the situation that I caused. I spent the entire next day praying he wouldn’t call again, and he didn’t.
He just showed up the day after that instead.
I cringe, thinking about it.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He slammed the door behind him and stood before me, hands on his hips, looking angrier than he had in a long time. That pain in his eyes was still there of course, with its ever present permanence.
I turned slightly, and made a half assed attempt at organizing some magazines on the coffee table. “I just…”
“Fuck Abbey.” I heard him storming up behind me and it was only when I felt his breath on the back of my neck, did I turn around again. The all too familiar pieces of paper were clenched tightly in his fist, and he was shaking them in my face so harshly that it started to scare the hell out of me. “I didn’t say a word for two days. I gave you time, but you’re still fucking around, and I’m not going to put up with it. I don’t have time. I have to make sure the kids are taken care of and that the business doesn’t fall apart in the meantime. This is what you wanted, and you have to sign. Just sign them!”
I stared at him, but couldn’t move. It was like I was paralyzed. I didn’t know what to do, but a little voice in the back of my mind was telling me to wake up and face reality, accept what had happened, because Justin was obviously trying to move on like I wanted him to. “Give me some more time.”
“There’s no more time, Abbey!” He screamed it, and threw the papers at me. “Sign!”
I crossed my arms. “Don’t talk to me that way.”
His demeanor changed slightly. He stopped, took a breath, his shoulders sagged and he looked at the floor for a long moment before continuing. “I’m going to say this one more time. Sign the papers, have them to Mac by tomorrow, or I’m petitioning for sole custody of Connor.”
“You wouldn’t.”
He turned. “Mac drew up the papers yesterday. All I have to do is make a phone call. Just sign the papers so Connor doesn’t have to be put through anything else.”
I rubbed my face with my hands as he walked away from me. “Justin…wait a second.”
He threw the door open and looked back over his shoulder. “What.”
“I just…I just don’t…I don’t know if I want to sign them.”
And just as I thought the anger and bitterness on his face would fade, just as I thought he would finally want to try and talk about our problems; that bitter, resentful laugh escaped him, and he put his face right in front of mine “I forced myself not to love you anymore when you asked for a divorce,” he gritted. “I don’t give a shit if you don’t want to sign, because I’m done, and you can deal with it Abbey. You can deal with the decision that you made while our daughter was on her death bed.”
I let him walk out after that. I would have been a fool to try and change his mind. When I lost him the first time, after Bray came home, part of me knew he didn’t mean the things he said to me.
But he meant everything he said that day, and I had to accept that it was over. That Justin had prepared himself, and was ready to live his life without me.
I signed the papers, and Fedexed them to Mac’s office for next day delivery. I received confirmation documentation. Our marriage was officially over by Friday night at midnight. Justin sent some professional organizers and movers to the house days later to collect the items he had requested. I didn’t even have to see him. I just sat there, Connor by my side, and watched them carry our memories out the door. My son was scared, asking me all kinds of questions that I didn’t want to answer. When it was all over, the only thing I could do was put a movie on for the kid while I retreated into the bedroom I had once shared with Justin, and cry myself into oblivion.
It’s been two months since then, summertime and school break has taken over. Connor hasn’t been sleeping well because of the change, and Mason is barely home anymore, spends all his time with his friends from school. Austin has been so busy between the new baby and the business that I wouldn’t feel right confiding in him, even though he swears that he’s on my side and blames Justin for everything. They aren't as close now, and I try not to bring up the divorce with Austin if I can help it. Right after Vic was diagnosed he confessed to us that Kristy was pregnant, and they were going to raise the baby together. While it was a surprise for us all, I don’t think Justin and I focused on them as much as we normally would have, because of the chaos that was taking over our lives. Now, things are different. In a way I’m “Grandma” and I like spending time with the three of them. They had a girl, Rebecca, and while Justin has seemed to distance himself from getting too close to the new baby, I’ve dove in head first. He needs time, and I get it, but I know Austin feels much differently about Justin’s attitude.
He’s coming for dinner this weekend with Kristy and the baby though, so that’s something even though Justin won’t be around. No matter, we can talk about Davey’s wedding…it’s only a month away now. Maybe it will bring me some comfort, get my mind off of all this.
The horn honks from outside and I sigh.
I don’t want to see him. Not tonight.
“Connor!” I yell, the patience wearing thin in my voice. “Your father is here!”
It’s Justin’s week with Connor, starting today. It’s hard for me, being without him every other week due to our custody arrangement. Mason has been so withdrawn, practically living at his best friends house to avoid the disaster our lives have turned into, that Big Red has been one of my only salvations since Justin moved out. I spend as much time with him as I can, and I know he’s better for it, but the weeks…the weeks he’s not here, are almost unbearable for me. Here, alone in this big empty house, I find myself spiraling further into depression, and I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I go to Vic’s grave, but lately…I’ve been avoiding it, like I avoided the hospital. Bray calls often, but I don’t get into most of the gory details. He’d like me to.
He’d like me to do a lot of things, seeing that Jess is now out of the picture.
He couldn’t handle it anymore. She pressured him and pressured him about the baby issue until he snapped. He divorced her so quickly that we barely saw it coming. It’s sad, but I guess…I guess I knew Braeden wouldn’t be able to handle that kind of thing for long. Despite the fact that he knows how to deal with his issues now, he’s still wound tight. He can’t handle pressure like other people can.
r32;I find more and more that I avoid coming in contact with him. Every time he offers to fly out and stay for a couple of weeks, I tell him I have something going on with the boys, or with the group of housewives I used to hang around with when I was married. I guess I’m just…afraid what might happen if he were to come out here. I don’t want to fall into that trap with him just because we’re both alone now. I think about my kids, what they would think, and I can’t do it. I can’t let Mason lose even more respect for me, or confuse Connor to the point that Justin will fight to have him moved into his place.
I can’t let that happen, so I barely let Bray in anymore. I know he’s angry. We were always friends first, after all.
The door bell bongs several times, and I know it’s Justin, being his impatient self. I debate if I want to answer for several minutes, and then my housekeeper decides to open the door before I can make up my mind. Justin is standing there, dressed in business attire as if he just came from some meeting. He thanks my her and steps inside, not hesitating to glance my way as his eyes circle the room. “Hey.”
“Hi.”
He takes a seat on the sofa and rubs his hands together. “Where’s Big Red?”
“Getting ready…” I sigh and run a hand through my hair. “CONNOR!”
“I’m gettin’ my bag!” He yells down to us.
Justin laughs slightly, and it just makes me roll my eyes. The last time I saw him, he barely said hello and now he seems so fucking casual with me, like we can be friends because all this shit is blowing over. It makes me want to just…scream.
But I won’t start anything today.
“Listen, I need to ask you something.”
I cross my arms, barely look at him. “Hm?”
“I have a trip to Lisbon, some international interfacing with clients…next week. I thought Connor might be able to come with me.”
“You want to take him for two weeks?”
He nods slightly. “I figured you could just have him the following two weeks in a row. It’s summer so, I wanted to try and spend a little extra time together before he goes back to academy. Austin has a handle on the firm, as always, and Davey’s wedding isn’t for another few weeks, so its a good time to get away.”
I don’t say anything. Certainly, he’s entitled to spend extra time with our son. I guess…I’m being selfish again, the thought of being here alone in this house for two weeks makes me feel sick to my stomach. “Well I mean…that’s…that’s a long time, Justin.”
“I’m asking you for a favor,” he says gently. “C’mon Abbey.”
“Well what about Mason? Did you even ask if he would want to go?”
Justin laughs and rises to his feet. “What rock have you been living under? Kid won’t speak to me. You know that. It’s been that way since…Vic.”
We both fall silent for several awkward moments, and then I finally find my voice again.
“You could still ask him,” I croak.
Justin rolls his eyes. “I’m not asking him. You do something together, something that Connor wouldn’t want to do, all right?” He walks over to the huge staircase. “Connor! Come on buddy! Let’s go!”
My son appears at the top of the staircase finally, his little book bag slung over his shoulder, bright red hair hidden underneath his Dartmouth baseball cap that Austin gave to him a few years back. “Ready, dad,” he says solemnly.
“What’s the verdict Ab?” Justin looks back at me as Connor makes his way down the stairs. “I gotta know now.”
I shrug. “I’m sure if I said no, you would just overpower me with some custody threat anyway.”
He ignores the comment for the moment so he can put on a smile and give our son a tight hug when reaches the bottom of the stairs. Justin, naturally ends up slinging him over his shoulder, tickling him and sending him into loud squeals and giggles, before finally putting him back down and telling him to go out to the car. I don’t hesitate to give Big Red a hug and kiss goodbye, warning him to ‘be good for Daddy’ before sending him on his way.
That’s it. That’s the last I’ll see of him for two weeks.
My stomach begins to ache as the loneliness sets in.
“We can’t do this,” Justin sighs, once Connor is out of sight.
“Do what,” I mutter, my gazed fixed on the floor.
“I’m done with threats.” He steps up to me, and I’m forced to meet his gaze. “I’m done with resenting you, and…fighting. I just want us to be civil, for our children’s sake, all right?”
I stare up at him. Up at those eyes and the small smile he’s forcing for me, and I realize how much I miss having him around, how much I miss talking to him, and how safe and loved he used to make me feel.I hate myself for destroying it, and I hate that disease for taking our daughter away.
“You should take him on the trip if that’s what you want to do. I know he’ll love it,” I nod and force a tight smile. “Have a good time.”
He smiles and it’s the first genuinely happy smile I’ve seen on his face since…I can’t even remember. “Thank you Abbey.”
He hugs me for a quick moment and kisses my cheek. God… the scent of him, the mere touch of him, leaves me with an unbearable longing that I want to go away immediately.
“I have clothes and whatever else he’ll need at my place, so don’t waste time packing him up for the trip. Just…relax, and do something for yourself with the time off.”
“Austin wants to spend some time with me this weekend so…I’ll just do that.”
“Oh…good. Baby’s getting big huh?”
I shove my hands in my pockets. “Yeah, pretty big.”
“I told him he better put a ring on her finger by the end of the year,” he laughs, but it dwindles quickly.
I could be a complete bitch and tell him exactly why Austin wouldn’t want to get married at this point, but I won’t go there. I’ll just keep it to myself. “Yeah…yeah that would be good.”
“Well, uh, I’ll give you a call before we leave…when we land and all that. I’ll take some pictures, email you, all right?”
“Yeah…yeah pictures are good.”
“See you in a couple weeks.”
“Bye.” I nod again, and then he walks out. The door closes.
And I’m completely alone.
Author's Chapter Notes:
It has been 2 years lol. I hope everyone that's been waiting for this is still interested, but you know me...I go on these on again offa gain things. I hope you like it though.
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