I didn't expect a welcoming committee, but I know Josh can easily become excited about some of the simplest things. My guess is that seeing me, alive & well, is as simple as it may get. "Uh, I missed you too, Oshai."
"Thank God you're safe!" he whispers in my ear.
"I was with AJ, Aaron, Devvie and Darren… why wouldn't I be safe?"
"Hear any news about Andi?"
"Only that she's with family and will be back ASAP." I keep the Nick news to a minimum.
"What about Nick?" James inquires, on the mark as usual.
"What about him?"
"I know you took off with him."
"To 'Treal and then flew to Maine."
"Right."
He knows me far too well. "Tá sé i Montréal léi."
"Of course. Anything we should know?"
"D'fhéadfadh siad a bheith ag dul arís ón méid atá ar eolas agam," I confess, hanging my head.
He sighs, cradling his head and shakes it back and forth. "She's just going to be hurt."
"She's made her choice."
"I know."
Wade looks at me and pets my head, warranting me to playfully shove him. "Good to see you again," he greets me.
"I guess it feels nice to be near someone about my size," I joke, resting my elbow on his shoulder.
"Same here, girl. By the way, can I talk to you for a second?"
"Uh, sure," I curiously answer.
He pulls me to a corner away from the guys and makes sure none of them are close enough to hear. "Is Andi seriously considering giving the oldest Carter another chance?" he whispers.
"From my understanding and resources, yes."
"What the fuck," he mutters, one hand on his hip and running his other hand through his hair. "She's not thinking straight again. She's up to something, but I'm not sure what."
Just then Nick and Andi walk into the rehearsal, hand in hand. "I made it," she says, entailing 5 out of 7 jaws to hit the floor.
James and I look at each other and shrug, unphased. "C'est le vie," I say, walking closer to James and push Josh's jaw back up as I pass him.
"What? How? Why? When? Ahhhhhh!" is all Josh could manage to say.
"You swore up and fucking down you'd never give him another chance!" Justin screams, pointing at Nick as he walks up to the two of them. "He's just going to destroy you again! He feeds off the pain he causes you and Jazz, I swear!"
"Bonne chance," James mutters.
"Here's to an epic fail," I say utter under my breath, loud enough for James to hear.
"She made her choice," Joey observes.
"Great fuck up, JC," Chris quips.
"Six, no, three months," Wade calculates.
I knew it'd happen, so I half-expected this from him. I thought she'd try to hold off on it, but I'm wrong. I begin playing with my belly button piercing and drumming my fingers on the arm of the couch, both nervous habits that involve only one hand each. "What's eating you, Jazzabee?"
I snap my head in his direction. "Don't call me that, I'm not your Jazzabee. I'm nervous about flying to Cali tomorrow night." I know it's not really his business, but I can't let it get to me because I have to be professional and I'm with Devvie.
"Still scared to fly?"
"It just makes me nervous now, I don't get scared like before."
"I remember the flight from Paris to Orlando."
"I don't."
"What about when we got back?"
"Nope."
"Any memories with me?"
"Ireland, London, US tour-before all the bull shit and lies came to light." I don't let my eyes leave my guys.
"Why?"
"The beginning was nice and then it got dark, you lied. Lies, cheating, and secrets. You cheated on me, then her, then I found out everything and told her. She's not going in blind this time."
"You told her…everything?" he inquires, turning notebook paper white.
"Everything I had known at that time, that was before I found out even more."
"How?" This is when he began to worry about the info I know and I can tell by his voice, his reactions.
"AJ told Justin and Josh. Everyone knows Josh can't hide anything. He told me, to look out for me. I thought of running into her in Canada, but decided against it. I ran to Maine to get as far from you as I could and she brings you here," I admit to him, being entirely honest.
He scoots closer to me and I shake my head, signaling him to back up away from me. "Bullshit!" he spat in my ear, whispering.
"Jenny in the bedroom ten minutes before I got to your house?"
He shuts his lying trap and scoots to the opposite end of the couch, knowing I can destroy this attempt at a relationship with Andi for a second time. "Thought so, asshole," I mutter to myself.
I begin writing lyrics in my notebook.
'I'm Only Me
Why are people attracted to me?
What do they see that I don't see?
Am I blind to what they can find so easily?
Can this be?
I'm only me
Because that's who I'll always be
I wanna be free
What do they see?
In me, what is there that's new?
Why are those traits seen by few?
I'm only me
Because that's all I wanna be
I want to be left alone
Am I love prone?
Is there a blessing for me from above?
Will I ever 'fall' in love, with my heart's white doves?
Why do people care?
Why do they come to me to fix this pair?
I'm only gonna be me
I only see what I wanna see
I'm gonna be free
What they see I may be
Why do they see me as 'lovely'?
Why am I beautiful?
To be someone else, that's not possible!
Everyday, I grow, and change, I will all my life
I've been through so much strife
Within my circle of friends I try to keep peace
I love my only niece
She's three
I call her my baby
She means so much to me
I don't want her to grow up like me
Now you know why I can't see what you can see
I have my world
You have yours
I believe my world has more importance.' It just flows from me and I don't stop until it's done. I look at it and a tune comes to mind, begging for me to write it with music. I give in and allow my song to take control to form itself, oblivious to the world around me.
"Jazz, let's go," Chris says a little while later.
"Huh?" I reply, looking up at the clock. "It's been two hours?"
"Uh, yeah," Justin answers, almost snapping at me. He wipes his face with his shirt and frowns at Andi's back.
"I don't let it bother me because it's just a matter of time before she finds out everything else I have and she'll come to her senses then, I'm here if she needs or wants something from me." I shrug it off and put my pencil, notebook and phone into my bag. I stand on the couch, getting my bag onto my back and look at the five of them. "Piggy back?"
"You're not fifty pounds anymore," James jokes.
I tap Justin's shoulder and he gives me a piggy back ride, a way to talk to him. Once we're both comfy, he begins walking toward the door. "It bothers me," he admits quietly.
"I know. I can tell. Why?"
"It's going to end the same."
"Just be ready for it and hope it's not during a tour."
"I just don't want her hurt again."
"I get it." He looks at me for a split second, his eyes asking me if I really do. "Really, I do. Nobody likes a hurt Andi, no matter how hard she tries hiding it."
"You noticed it?"
"Compared to how she was in NY last summer? Yes, she's happy like last time and she has no reason to worry about me cuz I'm a one man kinda chick." I feel guilt creep over me and I shiver.
"What's up?" Every one of the guys know I shiver for one good reason or another.
"Just had a weird feeling about something," I fib, putting my head down on the back of his shoulder. "We need to talk alone later," I tell him as we approach the door.
He runs across the parking lot to the van before answering me. "After the show good, JazzBean?"
I smile, biting on the corner of my bottom lip and nod. I pull out my phone and text James. I know he's in the same van, but I can't say it out loud yet. 'I think I should tell him.'
'You should've told him when you broke his heart.'
'That was mutual.'
'You broke his heart when he caught you holding Nick's hand Sept 98 and again just before you went your own ways.' He turns in his seat and looks at me, eyebrows raised.
"I didn't know," I sigh.
"You do now."
"Should I?"
"Yes."
"Alright, tonight after the show."
"Should've months ago."
"I know. Now I feel like a villain."
"You were back then. How long?"
"VMAs in 98."
"Damn, that's screwed up."
"I know I messed up a good thing."
"You got that right," he replies, enough venom in it for it to sting.
Wade, Justin, Joey, JC and Chris are looking at the two of us with curious eyes. I snuggle into Justin and hide my face. I begin to silently cry and he feels the tears through his shirt. "What's wrong?"
"Tell you later, tell you when we talk."
"Ok," he answers, uncertainty in his voice as it cracks.
~~~~~
We pull up to the arena and Josh pulls me aside once we set foot outside the van, letting the other guys get far enough away before saying a word to me. "What was Lance talking to you about earlier?"
"Nothing concerning you," I say, trying not to lose my cool and unleashing my temper on him.
"If it involves one of us, it does concern me," he tells me, yanking me back beside him by my shirt and won't let go to keep me in step with him.
"I'll tell you after I talk to Justin."
"Why are you so secretive?"
"I'm a girl and it's what I'm a good at." I swing my arm back, attempting to knock Josh's hand from my shirt and fail. "Let go, Oshai," I demand through clenched teeth, it sounding like a growl.
"No," he snaps. "Tell me."
"You can't drag me on stage."
"No, but I can make sure that security knows you're not to be out of their sight until we get off stage and after that, you're only to leave with Justin. I'll make sure of it. I'll make sure that Derek and Lonnie know that you're only to be alone with one person after the show-Justin."
I groan, sure he would and challenge him anyway. "Fuck yourself, Chasez," I mumble.
"What?!" he hisses.
"You heard me, I didn't stutter."
"Tiny! Derek! Lonnie!" The 3 members of their security team turn to face us and he waves them over.
"Eat shit, Joshua," I say as they come over to us.
"She is not to be out of your sight, even for a second until the end of the show and she's only to take off with Justin to talk. Clear?"
"Sure, JC," Lonnie answers.
"Got it," Derek says, his eyes narrowing on me.
"This isn't going to be easy, is it?" Tiny asks, looking at me and JC.
"Never is," Derek replies honestly.
"I wish it were," Lonnie answers, his eyes never leaving me.
Lonnie and Derek take me by my upper arms and Tiny follows behind, guiding me into the rest of the way to the game room. I wheel around to face them, crossing my arms under my chest. "Ok, wardens, you can leave now," I tell them, shooing them off with one hand I had unfolded.
"No can do," Lonnie reminds me.
"Just leave," I demand.
"Not happening, girl," Derek reiterates.
"JC gave us a job and we have to follow through," Tiny explains.
I flop on the couch and stretch, suddenly tired. "What the fuck ever," I mutter.
"I will, baby," I hear from a familiar voice I was hoping not to hear for a few more hours at least.
I groan and sit up, my elbows on my knees and drop my head into my hands. I have a migraine and come to terms with my attempt at de-stressing was an epic fail. "Fuck ass," I say, rubbing my temples. "Lonnie?"
"What, little girl?" he responds.
"Do we have tension tamer tea?"
"Migraine?"
"One from hell."
"That's the box with a red dress wearing chick riding the dragon, right?"
"Yes, please check."
"Ok, I can send Tiny. You have five minutes before they need their pre-show hugs as they get hooked up to their harnesses."
I nod and close my eyes, willing the pain away. I'm fully aware that I've over worked and stressed myself out to the max again. First the migraine comes and if I don't chill out, then comes an anxiety attack. Lonnie hands me my lanyard with the all access pass and we head for the backstage area, I have a ritual that involves giving each of them a hug just before going on after they finish getting a hackey. I've done it every show I see since Europe, to show my support and wish them luck. I get over to them, give them their hugs and hear Andi with her friends coming toward us. They stop and also warmly wish the guys luck and hug them. "What are you doing here?" the purple haired girl asks.
"Showing support to the guys, same as you."
"Who's she?" the green spiked hair guy questions.
"That's Jazzy," Andi answers, dismissing my presence.
"Sam," James half answers, half calls me at the same time. I walk over to him and he hugs me again. "Don't let her get to you," he whispers.
"I know she's hurting, I see it in her eyes," I tell him.
He nods as JC starts to countdown to the beginning of the show. "Here we go," James says, smiling at me.
I watch the show from back stage and enjoy every second of it, seeing Andi across the stage from me. I'm almost appreciating that Oshai put Lonnie, Derek and Tiny on 'Jazz Detail' , as they've dubbed it. I'm upset that she still won't give me the chance, but she can only be herself and she is a stubborn girl, set in her ways. I see through her camoflage of animosity, recognizing the hurt and defense mechanisms and just let it go. Nick loves us fighting, but I'm not even going to give him the satisfaction of indulging in hearing the details. My guys have stopped forcing her down my throat and me down hers, but she's still very resistant to even get to know me. "You alright, girl?" Lonnie asks.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm just fine." I give him my usual smile, eliciting a smile back from the three of them. "Just systematically sorting through her defenses and thinking. I'm working on figuring her out from a distance," I inform them.
"Nobody can do that!" Tiny announces his doubt concerning my skills.
"I don't know her story, nobody has told me, but my best guess is that her parents have been fighting much more lately, one got ill, the other has filed for divorce or will be soon, touring, choreographing, working with these guys and doing something on her own. She is portraying her curiosity as animosity, but she wants to open up and let someone who might just understand her in, but is afraid to be hurt again. The ones she pushes away more often have been the better people to have at her side in her life," I explain, counting everything off on my fingers.
Their jaws go slack from the shock and are silent for a few. "How the fuck-?" Lonnie asks, stumped.
Derek laughs as the guys start coming back stage for a wardrobe change after 'Digital Get Down'. "Sup, D?" JC asks.
"Your sister practically figured Andi out on a general level and doesn't know what you guys do! She just shocked Lonnie and Tiny. She did that thing she did to figure each of you guys out, not counting the childhood thing. She only did the past couple years!" he informs the five of them, more JC than the others.
"That's why I'm Oshai and she's Oshannie!" he yells back (motioning to himself and then me), smiling as he changes his shirt and darts onto the stage again.
"So you're the Oshannie they talk about?" Tiny asks me.
"Yup," I say, beaming. "Josh dubbed me Oshannie after I nicknamed him Oshai when his parents adopted me."
"You're his baby sister?"
"Yes, T, I'm family to Daddy C."
"Oh, shit." He sits down, scratching his head.
My shoulder is bumped by someone taller than I am because their finger tips brush the inside of my forearm, making my temper begin to flare. I see a blonde guy walk away with a familiar walk, I clench my fists and release them a few times as I try to bury my fury. He won't win, I won't let him. "Lonnie, bring me to the game room now, please," I request.
"What? Why?"
"Just do it before she does something-" Derek begins explaining as I start running after Nick, only to switch modes and dart for the guy's wardrobe room.
"I can't do this, not now. I need James or Justin or Oshai. Or Devvie, I want my Devvie," I quietly tell myself, tears streaming down my face.
I pull out my cell and call a number I try to call as often as I can. "Hello?" he answers, laughter in his voice.
"I need you," I choke out.
"What happened?" he says, concern dripping from each word. "What about the diabo com a cara de anjo?"
"She brought him with her too." I sit between two wardrobe crates, my back to the wall and pour my soul out for him. "He bumped me and let his fingers brush my arm, smirking after." I think he did anyway. We talked for a few more moments, hanging up soon after.
"Jazz!" Lonnie shouts, making me stifle my reborn crying fit and sniffle, wiping my tears on my hands.
"Sam!" Derek calls out
"Where are you?" Tiny yells.
"Oshannie!" JC yells for me. "Everyone, quiet." I hear him take a step and I take a ragged breath. "Oshannie?" he says in a loud whisper.
"Oshai," I whimper and I hang up and curl my legs to my body, whimpering again. "Back off, I have a feeling she needs me to calm her," JC tells everyone else, standing in the doorway to the room I'm in. "Meet all of you in the game room in 15, tops," he barters. He shuts the door and whispers for me. He strides over to where I am and crouches down in front of me less than a foot away, his arms out to show how willing he is to comfort me.
I fling my body into his arms, knocking him on his ass and just cry, my emotions bared. "It hurts to know she has your heart and that she's throwing hers to the shark that mutilated it before."
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