twelve: i’m not your babe
“Alex!” Nadia came bursting into her apartment, shouting her roommate’s name, knowing she was probably upstairs asleep, and she wanted her to hear her loud and clear. “Alex, get your fucking ass down here!”
After a few seconds, the sound of footsteps could be heard shuffling across the floor until finally, she appeared at the top of the staircase. “What’s your problem?” she asked sleepily.
“Justin stopped by earlier this week?”
“What?”
“Don’t do this, Alex, please. Justin came by here Tuesday night and you didn’t say anything.”
“I don’t remember that,” she blatantly lied, turning to go back into her bedroom. “I worked a twelve-hour shift last night, I don’t have time for this.”
“You better get your punk ass back here or I’m putting you out.”
She turned back around and peered down at Nadia. “Why do you even care?”
“Why do I care that you didn’t give me a message you specifically said you would deliver? Are you really that dense?”
“No, why do you care that he stopped by?”
Nadia paused to search for a reason, but she didn’t really have one. Instead, she focused on the fact that that was beside the point. “That’s none of your business, Alejandra. You don’t get to fucking choose what I need to know.”
“I forgot!”
“You’re lying!”
“You obviously got the message, why the fuck does it matter?” she was shouting in frustration. “I swear to god, you just like to argue.”
“He thought I was ignoring him!”
“Who the fuck cares?”
“I do!”
“You seriously confuse the shit outta me, Nadia. One day, you’re on the phone with whoever, calling him an asshole; the next, you’re on the radio crying about him not calling you back. And all the while, last time I checked, you was into chicks, not dicks.”
“Shut the fuck up, Alex.”
“Is it not true?” she was shouting.
“I’m serious, shut the fuck up!”
“Too pussy to admit that you like pussy, huh.”
“I’m not doing this with you,” she smirked tiredly. She was sick of having to defend herself to Alex. “You have to stay out of my business.”
“Then keep me out of your business.”
“I’m trying to! If you’ll recall, I didn’t even want you to move in. You’re the one that inserts yourself into every-fucking-thing.”
“You should appreciate that I’m looking out for you.”
“Alex! What the fuck goes on in your head? You obviously have no sense of propriety or any self-awareness whatsoever if you think that you’re looking out for anyone but yourself.”
“I'm the one who lack self awareness? Ha!" She cackled as if it was the funniest thing she'd ever heard. "Nadia, you are a walking fucking cliché. You seduced that man so you could fool yourself into some fantasy world where you pretend you're, I guess, what you consider normal. Just accept the fact that you're a lesbian.”
“I'm not a lesbian, you cunt. For the past five years, you've convinced yourself that you can make me fall in love with you," she shook her head for the pitiful woman standing before her. "You've been so determined to make me like you. And for a while, it was cute, I guess. And I fell for it a little bit. Mainly out of boredom. But Alejandra, you have to get it through your head. I do not love you. Never did, never will."
Alex exhaled sharply as Nadia’s words cut her like knives. "You've always had a hard heart," she sniffled, wiping the tears that were gracing her cheeks. "I never understood how patients liked you so much, you were so cold so often. But now, you are straight up cruel. I don't know what to say to you."
"You keep pushing me when I don't want to be pushed," she shrugged. "You back me into corners with your adamant ass. Stop doing that and maybe you'll stop getting hurt."
"Fuck you, Nadia."
"Fuck you! You wanna keep acting like I'm the bad guy, fine. Just don't be surprised when I tear you apart."
"Why won't you love me?" she pleaded quietly. "What's so bad about me?"
"Oh god."
Nadia knew better than to get wrapped up with such a young one in the first place. They were less than six years apart, but in terms of maturity, it felt like an eternity between them. And it showed from their first meeting and every day since. At her best, Alejandra was a burst of sunshine on days where things often seemed dark in Nadia's life. But at her worst, which was much too often for anyone's liking, Alex was unpredictable, petulant, and emotional. She was the reason Nadia loved and hated being with a woman.
February 2007…
The long night had finally turned into morning, and Nadia couldn’t have been more relieved. She had just given her notice, and the countdown was on for her to get out of that god-forsaken emergency room for good. But of course, nothing comes without a price, and when she saw Alex rounding the corner with her coat and bag in hand, she realized that this was not going to be a clean break.
“You ready, mama?” Alex called out to her, still amused that they had such a closely matching schedule. When they got off work in the mornings, they would walk to the subway together, and sometimes, when Nadia was too tired to make it all the way to Brooklyn, she would come home with her. She hoped today would be one of those days.
“Umm. Yeah.” Nadia paused for a long time, trying to figure out how she was going to break this news to her friend “ the only one of her coworkers she truly cared about leaving. “One of the EMTs said it’s like two degrees out, so I was gonna take a cab. You wanna ride?”
“Oh. Okay, yeah,” Alex grinned. “Absolutely.”
“All right, let me just sign out and I’ll be right out.”
Alex nodded and threw on her coat, heading for the hospital exit ahead of her girlfriend. She was giddy at the thought that she’d be riding home with Nadia for a change. That never happened. In a year and a half, she had been to Nadia’s apartment maybe three times, and never for more than an hour or so. Maybe that was finally changing, she thought.
A few minutes later, Nadia was standing beside her, smiling as if she had a secret she wanted to tell. And that was because she did. “You wanna go get some breakfast?” she suggested, attempting to get the attention of one of the many approaching cabs.
“Yeah,” Alex shrugged. She was exhausted, but she was definitely not going to turn down an invitation to breakfast.
They huddled into the taxi, relieved by its warmth and Nadia requested, “Ninth Avenue between Fifteenth and Sixteenth.”
“You don’t wanna eat at Bubby’s?” Alex questioned, that being their usual spot when they had days off.
“Well that’s kind of far, isn’t it?”
“Well if we’re going to Brooklyn anyway…”
“Are you coming to Brooklyn?”
“Oh. I thought… that’s what you said?”
“Oh, I was just offering to drop you off at home,” Nadia chuckled awkwardly. “I didn’t know you wanted to come home with me.”
“Oh. Right.” Alex waved off the miscommunication as if her heart hadn’t just sunk. “Of course.”
“Is that all right?”
“Yeah, yeah, of course. That’s fine. Honestly, I can just hop on the train after breakfast, it’s no big deal. I'm used to the cold.”
“Alex…”
“It’s fine.”
“I have something I need to tell you,” she admitted quietly, wanting to get it over with. Alex always had so many expectations, she knew the conversation would be a bumpy one.
“Okay…”
“All right, well,” she sighed heavily. “I’ve wanted to tell you this for a couple of days now, but I didn’t want to jinx it, so I just sat on it until I was sure.”
“You’re scaring me,” Alex chuckled.
“Well as you know, I’ve been thinking about switching careers for a while now, and the opportunity recently presented itself and I’ve gotten a job offer elsewhere. So I wanted to let you know that I put in my two weeks’ notice last night. I’m leaving the hospital…” she trailed off, seeing Alex’s expression fall completely.
“Where are you going?”
“I’m going to be on the radio,” she couldn’t contain a smile at the thought. “I’m joining The Cameron Crew on KTU.”
“Wow.”
“I don’t even know how it happened “ I’m still trying to figure it all out. But Dr. Zandstra introduced me to this chick, Kristin, at the fundraiser we had last week and we hit it off, and here I am.”
“Leaving,” Alex nodded sadly. “Wow.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Why do I feel like you’re not?”
“What?”
“You’re happy about this.”
“Of course I’m happy,” Nadia frowned. “Obviously, yes. But I’m sorry if you’re hurt that I’m leaving.”
“Fuck you.”
“What the fuck,” she was trying not to shout as the cab pulled up to Sarabeth’s for their inevitably tense breakfast. She paid the driver and shuffled out of the car and into the warm restaurant as quickly as possible, whispering to Alex once they were at the host stand. “Are you really gonna be a bitch about this?”
“You drop this bomb on me with no warning at all, and you really expect me to be happy?”
“For me? Yes, I guess I foolishly expected that you would be excited that I’m getting this opportunity.”
“How am I supposed to be happy for something that’s ruining my life?”
“Oh god,” Nadia exhaled loudly as they were led to their table. “Why are you so fucking melodramatic?”
“I’m serious,” Alex whined. “I go to that hospital and make it through each day because you’re there with me. How the hell am I supposed to do this without you, Nadia?”
“You just do! You get in, you do your job, and go home. I don’t see why it’s such a big fucking deal.”
“You’re leaving me!” she was starting to cry. “You’re leaving me and you don’t give a shit.”
“Alex…”
“Spare me, Nadia. Please.” She wiped her tears and her red nose with her napkin and looked down at the table, scared and unwilling to face the woman across from her. “You’re always trying to get away from me.”
“What?”
“Why won’t you love me?”
“Oh my god,” Nadia whispered to herself. She couldn’t believe that this was what their conversation had come to. “Alex, I like you. I genuinely enjoy the time we spend together, and I don’t plan for that to stop just because I’m leaving the hospital. But you have to stop. You--.”
“Stop what,” she cut her off abruptly. “Stop loving you?”
“Stop making me feel like an asshole for living my life.”
“Why is it that living your life and breaking my heart are always one in the same?”
“You’re such a child,” she sighed.
“Yeah, you’re so much more mature. You’re so much better than me,” Alejandra mocked her in a low, sarcastic tone. “You have it all together. You live in the rich part of Brooklyn! You’re best friends with a doctor! And now you’re gonna be on the radio talking to celebrities! You’re so much better than me. I wish I had it all together like you, Nadia.”
“You’re crazy.”
“I’m the crazy one?” she cackled maliciously. “I hope those white people at that radio station know how fucked up you are. I mean, shit. Not only are you a very gifted liar, but let's see. You got mommy issues, daddy issues, commitment issues, you got fucking homo issues… And let’s not even talk about the fucked up shit you’ve seen in that circus of an emergency room over there. You got the market cornered on crazy, mami. So fuck you. I hope you have a wonderful time over there, trying to hide your many, many issues.”
Nadia looked down to see her hands trembling as Alex spoke. She could just envision wrapping them around her scrawny little neck, if only for a second. “Alex,” her voice shook in anger, “if that’s how you really feel about me, then why the fuck are you so obsessed with me?”
She shook her head, never having had a plausible answer to that question. “You can’t help who you fall in love with.”
“You’re crazy,” she chuckled again, if only to keep herself from spontaneous combustion. “You’re crazy, and I can’t do this with you.”
Alex looked up to her as if she’d just been shot in the chest. “What?”
“I can’t do this. I can’t… you’re too much for me. It’s too much, it’s too consuming trying to make you happy and me happy. I mean, if I have to choose, it’s gonna be me, every time.”
“Nadia… I love you.”
“I know,” she nodded sadly, looking her square in the eye. She grabbed her purse and pulled out all the cash she had, leaving Alex with three twenties, which would be more than enough for her to get breakfast and get a cab home.
“Nadia, please don’t leave like this,” she was crying again. “Please. I’m sorry.”
“Stop it,” she hissed at her through gritted teeth, not wanting to be embarrassed any further. “Stop it.”
“I’m sorry,” she grabbed her hand, almost falling out of her chair as Nadia continued to move away from her. “Please don’t go.”
Wrestling out of her grasp, she looked down at the pitiful sight before her. A year and a half “ mostly fully of fucking and fighting “ and all she could bear to leave her with was sixty bucks. “Take care of yourself, Alejandra.”
“Nadia, I swear, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Alex was pleading with her, yet again. “I just don’t want you to leave me.”
“Alex, I’m not with you!” she shouted angrily. “It’s over! It’s been over. And letting you live stay here was obviously a huge error in judgment on my part, because you just don’t get it.”
“I just want to love you,” she sniffled pitifully.
“You gotta go, kid.” Nadia turned so she wouldn’t have to face her teary, pleading gray eyes. “I’m fucked up enough as it is without having to justify your existence in my life.”
“Where am I supposed to go? You’re it for me.”
“I can’t care anymore. I can’t. Get your shit and… I dunno, figure it out.”
Alex didn’t know why she was even remotely surprised. Nadia had broken her heart so many times before, she was silly to think that this would be any different. She would beg, Nadia would say no, then a few weeks or months later, she would find some way back into her life. Lather, rinse, repeat. But that didn’t stop Alex from turning their breakups into an epic poem, because what if this time really was the last time? The thought almost killed her, so she pushed it away.
“I know you want to believe that this is the end,” she prophesized optimistically, “but… I’ll see you again.”
Nadia looked on, bored, as Alex trudged towards the door. “Don’t count on it.”
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