nineteen: nada from nadia
Justin stood at Nadia’s kitchen counter, watching intently as she pulled a homemade pizza from her oven. “By the way, did you get that text from Kristin?”
“The one that said we’re not allowed to gain or lose a single ounce before her nuptials?” Nadia chuckled at the ridiculousness.
“That would be the one.”
“Yeah, I got it.”
“And yet you still decided that pizza was the best option for dinner…”
“Listen, Kristin knows that unless it has to do with work, I don’t listen to anything she says.”
“I get the feeling you don’t listen to anything she says, even if it does involve work.”
“Fair enough.” She smirked, throwing her oven mitts to a neighboring counter. “But it’ll be all right. We’ll go running if it means that much to you.”
“It doesn’t,” he offered a half-hearted smile. “That looks good, though.”
“My brother actually prepared this,” she confessed, pulling plates and wine glasses from her cupboards. “From scratch. I just threw it in the oven.”
“I didn’t know you had a brother.”
“I do. As well as a sister-in-law and two nephews.”
“For some reason, after you said you didn’t know your father, I just pictured you existing in the world without any other family. That’s weird isn’t it?”
“That’s quite a conclusion to jump to.”
“I know,” he chuckled. “I don’t even know why such a sad image popped into my head.”
“Maybe you wanted to believe that your friendship was somehow saving me from a life of loneliness?”
“Maybe.” He watched her fingers move quickly to slice the pizza into eight equal parts and then assisted her in getting the rest of their dinner to her dining table.
When they were finally sitting across from one another, with pizza, salad, and wine served, Nadia noticed that Justin was staring at her as if he’d never seen her before. “What?”
“What, what?”
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I don’t know,” he offered a small shrug. “I just like looking at you, I guess.”
“It’s not a friendly stare.”
“Okay…”
“Are you angry with me?”
“Why would I be mad at you?” He was, in fact, a bit put off by her secrecy regarding Alex the day before, but he certainly wasn’t angry with her. If Nadia wanted to keep secrets, that was her prerogative.
“I dunno. It’s just that you seem… distant?”
He made a face equivalent to a shrug and then delved into his Caesar salad. “I think you’re imagining things,” he told her after swallowing. “Maybe you’re the one feeling distant.”
“I haven’t felt the same since yesterday,” she admitted. “I feel like I’ve moved into irrevocable territory.”
And there it was, finally. Justin immediately perked up at the slightest spark of honesty from Nadia. “What makes you say that?”
“I mean, you heard the show yesterday. I fucked up.”
And then his satisfaction deflated when he realized she wasn’t at all referring to the situation he witnessed with Alex, but her outburst on the radio. “Oh.”
“I mean, it’s a wonder you’re not mad at me.”
“I told you yesterday, I try not to weigh myself down with inconsequential things. People will talk about it for a while and then it’ll blow over for the most part. Trust me.”
“I don’t know why I went off like that.” She finally took a small bite of her pizza before throwing it back to her plate. “Rachel didn’t deserve that.”
“She’ll forgive you.”
“I called out this morning, I couldn’t face her.”
“I heard. They said you left them to fend for themselves,” he replied softly. Then added, “You know the longer you put it off, the worse it’s gonna be.”
“I know.”
“So…”
“So I’m hoping the weekend will give me some solace and I can fix everything on Monday.”
“Okay then,” he accepted her plan and resumed eating his dinner. Nadia followed suit.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Once dinner was complete, they proceeded with their weekly tradition of movie night, and instead of going out, they stayed in and watched Blue Valentine. With the conversation having stayed at a minimum for much of the evening, it seemed like an appropriate choice.
Nadia was getting up, about to head to the kitchen for more wine, when the buzz of her doorbell resounded throughout the house. Fearing that it would be Alex, Nadia darted for the door before she let herself in. It wasn’t Alex, but someone she was much less prepared to deal with.
“Mom.”
Nadia’s mother, Nadine “ an older, less refined version of her daughter, stood in the doorway of Nadia’s brownstone, uninvited, as always, but happy as ever to be there. “Hello, love.” She hastily kissed Nadia on the cheek before bustling past her to get inside.
“W-w-what are you doing here,” Nadia demanded in a stutter. “I have company.”
“Oh, that’s perfect. I never get to meet any of your friends, you know.”
“Mom.” The last thing she wanted was for her bohemian of a mother to meet the superstar sitting on her couch. “Mom, please stop.”
“Nonsense. You have any wine, sweetheart?”
“Mom!” Nadia’s yell caused her mother to finally stop in her tracks, but also startled Justin enough to have him come out of hiding to witness what all the fuss was about.
“Everything okay out here?” he found them at the front door.
Nadia rested her hand over her forehead in obvious frustration. “Everything’s fine, Justin.”
“Well hello there,” Nadine cooed when she came face to face with her daughter’s guest. “And here I thought my friends were making much ado about nothing.”
Justin smiled shyly and offered her his hand. “I’m Justin. Nice to meet you, ma’am.”
“Nadine,” she corrected him, returning the shake. “The pleasure is mine.”
“I, um… I didn’t realize you’d be joining us or I would have dressed nicer.”
“Nonsense, you look great.”
Indeed, it was usually a feat for Justin not to look great. In just a plaid shirt and jeans, he was innocuously handsome. “Well thank you, Nadine.”
“What are you two up to this fine Friday evening?”
“We were just--.”
“Justin was actually just leaving,” Nadia interrupted their exchange to announce. “We were watching Blue Valentine, but it’s over and he was leaving. Right?”
The movie was actually smack dab in the middle, but he noted her crazy eyes trying to tell him that she needed him to go, so he relented. “That is correct. I, um… yeah. I have to go.”
“Oh, but I just got here. We can watch another movie. Or play Scrabble. Nadia, you love Scrabble!”
“No, he has to go. He has an early morning tomorrow.”
“On Saturday?”
Justin was at a rare point in his career where he had absolutely no pending obligations to tend to. Only his best friend’s wedding. “I… yeah. I have a fitting. For the wedding,” he lied.
“And then bachelor party stuff,” Nadia added for him. “So many things to do for this wedding!”
“Oh. Well okay,” Nadine nodded, trying to take in all of the things they were saying, practically at once. “I hope to see you again soon.”
“I hope the same.” He smiled softly and graciously placed a hand on her back as he said his goodbyes. “Take care.”
“You as well.”
It was a stark contrast to the way he left Nadia, with only a glare.
“Bye, Justin.”
Nadine definitely took notice of his silent treatment, and stared at her daughter for answers. When she didn’t receive one, she commented, “Quite the cold shoulder on that one, huh?”
“Seriously, ma, what do you want?”
She followed Nadia into the house, taking note of the wining and dining and realized why she was so agitated. “Was I interrupting a date?”
“No,” she adamantly denied. “Not a date at all. Just movie night.”
“Movie night.”
“Yes.”
“But not a date.”
“Correct.”
“And this story about you two being friends is completely and totally true.”
“It is completely and totally true.”
“Okay,” Nadine shrugged, taking to the table to pick over the leftovers.
“So why is it that you’re here?” she asked for the umpteenth time.
Nadine sat back in her seat, crossed her long, lean legs, and downed a slice of pizza before answering. “I heard you go off on your coworkers yesterday. What was that about?”
“Ma, what are you doing listening to that crap.”
“Your morning show? Since when is it crap?”
“Since… I dunno,” Nadia sighed. “I don’t know what happened yesterday.”
“And they said you called out sick this morning.”
She nodded.
“You’re doing that thing where you keep everything to yourself; where you shut out the whole world. I told you that’s unhealthy.”
“Yeah, well… people don’t always understand my plight.”
“Nadia. You burden yourself so much more when you hold it in like this.”
“I’m sorry, but I’m really not looking for advice from someone who tells their business to people on the bus.”
“Strangers can be very good listeners!”
“Spare me, mom.”
“You need to talk to somebody, baby. I mean, you say Justin is your friend. Do you tell him any of these things that are bothering you?”
“I’m fine! I had a… I had a moment. That was all. It’s passed, and I’m fine.”
“Okay,” she softly conceded, taking pieces of uneaten lettuce and popping them into her mouth. She took a glance around the cozy apartment, observing the boxes in the corners and near the staircase. “How’s Alejandra?”
“Fine,” Nadia frowned.
“How does she feel about your new friend?”
“I haven’t asked.”
“You know, you claimed she was a friend for a long time, too.”
“She is,” she snapped back, before realizing she wasn’t even sure if that was true any longer. “…She was.”
“Have you and your coworker reconciled yet?”
“Rachel?”
“Is that her name?”
She nodded, “We haven’t spoken yet, no.”
“She seems to really like you,” Nadine had noticed in listening to the show. “They all do.”
“They do, I think.”
“And you don’t feel compelled to let them in either, huh.”
“Mom, please tell me what you could possibly know about relationships! I mean seriously, you haven’t had a man, a friend, or a coworker in over twenty years. What the fuck are you sitting here trying to lecture me about?”
“Nadia!”
“I can’t deal with this right now,” she realized, beginning to tear up. “I need to be alone.”
“Please tell me what’s wrong, baby.” Seeing her daughter cry instantly broke Nadine’s heart. She rose from the table and rushed to her side. “Please.”
“I keep fucking up,” she whispered as softly as she could, “and I don’t know how to stop.”
“Nadia…”
“I’m so scared.”
She squeezed her daughter tightly, as if she could squeeze out whatever pain she was feeling. “What are you scared of?”
“That I’m going to end up like you.”
Nadine immediately pulled away, staring at Nadia as if she’d just stabbed her in the chest. It was a painful blow, to say the least. “What?”
“I don’t want to ever be anything like you,” she admitted to herself and her mother. “Please just let me be alone.”
Add another to the list of people Nadia had managed to push away.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The next morning was a gloomy one. Nadia awoke on the couch to a loop of the Blue Valentine Blu-ray menu playing on her television screen “ a reminder of all the damage she’d done in two short days. She positively could not figure out why she was lashing out at people left and right, but she meant it when she said she didn’t want to end up like her mother, crazy and essentially alone. Then and there, she promised herself that she would make amends by weekend’s end.
She called Rachel first, even though it was 7:00 in the morning, and knew that she always, no matter what, slept in on the weekends. Instead, Rachel’s boyfriend, Byron, answered.
“Hey, Byron. I know Rachel is probably knocked out, but could you wake her up for me?”
“Hey, Nadia.” He sounded weird, and she could tell he was probably mad at her. Which meant that Rachel most likely was, too. “I, uh… don’t think that’s the best idea.”
“I see.”
“Nothing against you, I just know how much she likes her sleep on Saturdays.”
“Yeah…”
“And the wedding is next week, so she won’t be able to sleep then… she won’t like it if I wake her up.”
Nadia nodded to herself. “Byron, if she doesn’t want to talk to me, you can say it.”
“It’s not that.”
“Okay.”
“But um, I’ll tell her you called.”
“I’d appreciate it.”
Without any other words, the call ended, and Nadia found herself staring at Rachel’s pretty little face next to her contact information in her phone. She hated herself for not calling Thursday. And not going in Friday. And for getting mad in the first place.
But she shook it off and moved on to calling Alex. It was a tossup as to where she would be, but she made the attempt, and was actually a bit relieved when her phone went straight to voicemail. She was likely on the train and on her way home to sleep, so she could easily avoid talking to her for the next few hours, at least.
And then there was Justin. He had received the least of her many offenses, but somehow, he was the hardest call to make. Possibly because the shoulder he left her with the night before was indeed cold, and he had never treated her that way before. She was unsure of what to expect.
“Hello?” he answered as if he didn’t know it was her calling.
“It’s me,” she spoke softly but clearly.
“Hello, you.”
“How are you?”
“I’m good,” he sighed. “As it turns out, I didn’t actually have an early morning, but I decided to get up and hit the gym. I’m quite good, actually.”
“That’s good…”
“What can I do for you?”
“Well. Umm… I was just calling… I wanted to, um, apologize…”
“Why what ever for?” he wondered sarcastically.
“Justin, come on,” she exhaled shakily. “I’m sorry.”
“You do that a lot, I can tell.”
“I do what a lot?”
“That move where you say so-and-so was ‘just leaving.’ Catching them off guard, in a way where they have no choice but to agree. You did it to Alex and then you did it to me…”
“Oh. Yeah, I guess I do.”
“I wonder why.”
She had no defense for it. It was just her way of deflecting. “I’m an asshole.”
“No argument there,” he shot back. “But why are you so afraid of me being around anyone that knows you?”
“I’m not.”
“Then why do you keep causing these disappearing acts, Nadia? Come on.”
“I said I was sorry, didn’t I?”
“And I’m asking you why you’re doing it. I don’t give a shit about an apology if you’re not gonna stop.”
“I am gonna stop.”
“Why did you do it?”
“Why does that matter?”
He chuckled, but in a very dismissive manner. “It doesn’t. I guess.”
“Are we cool?”
“We’re about as cool as we’re gonna be, it seems.”
“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” she spat, angrily.
“It means… “ he sighed again, heavier this time. More exasperated. “It means I’ll see you next week at the wedding.” And then he was gone.
She looked at her phone, in disbelief that he dared to hang up like that. She was trying to apologize, and there he was, questioning her for it.
So much for making amends.
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