twentytwo: the walk of shame
The morning after the wedding, the house was quiet. Most of the bridesmaids and groomsmen remained, but with everyone asleep, and Grant and Kristin off to the airport for their honeymoon, few creatures were stirring inside the Levitt’s Hampton home.
Mila’s eyes popped open at the stroke of 10:00 AM, and regret smacked her in the face like a ton of bricks. She looked over to her left for confirmation, finding Justin, sound asleep and butt naked. There was no denying that they’d slept together. And despite her many efforts to be the unaffected one in this divorce, she allowed her jealousy over Nadia send her into an unfixable tailspin.
“Fuck,” she whispered to herself as she discreetly tried to pull herself out of bed. Justin was typically a light sleeper, but that was greatly dependent on how much he had to drink the night before, and she didn’t want to take any chances of waking him.
She quickly slipped on her navy blue frock from the wedding, grabbed her underwear and shoes, and tiptoed out of there, down the hall to her own corner of the mansion. She was simultaneously relieved and bothered by the fact that someone had brought her phone and clutch up to her room and placed it on the bed for her. She felt like she was being judged by whoever left it. But she quickly threw her contradictory emotions to the side and found some comfortable clothes to throw on and head downstairs.
She puttered into the kitchen, hoping to find some coffee waiting, but she only found a very disheveled version of Rachel sitting in the breakfast nook with a glass of orange juice. “Good morning,” Mila croaked out sweetly.
“Morning,” she whispered. She had obviously not been awake for very long.
“Are you the only one up?”
Rachel shook her head and pointed just beyond Mila, where Nadia had just rounded the corner. The mere sight of her made Mila visibly tense.
“Good morning,” Nadia greeted her coolly. She maneuvered around her to grab a bottle of ginger ale from the counter and took a seat at the table across from Rachel.
Mila didn’t say anything, but continued her search for coffee, though the only thing she wanted to do with it at that point was throw it at Nadia.
“Are you all right?” Rachel was asking Nadia when she sat back down.
Nadia nodded as she took small sips of her soda. “Yeah, just feeling hangover-ish, I guess.”
“I have such a headache,” Rachel agreed. “It feels like the speakers from last night are sitting on top of my brain.”
“I didn’t even drink that much,” she shook her head in disbelief at how bad she felt. “A few glasses of wine, a martini. Nothing crazy.”
Mila was rolling her eyes at their conversation, but didn’t want to be rude to Rachel by not offering to make her some coffee. “Hey Rach, would you like some?” she held up a bag of beans from the island of St. Helena.
“Umm… No, I think I’m good.”
“That coffee is like eighty bucks a pound,” Nadia interjected when she noted what Mila had in her hand. “I don’t know if the Levitts would want you to use that.”
Ignoring her, Mila continued her task of pouring the beans into the grinder and putting it on its highest speed to drown out any other sounds.
“I’m serious,” Nadia shouted, making sure that she wouldn’t be ignored. When the grinder was done, she added, “I’m sure Kristin’s mom didn’t make it a point to tell me that for no reason.”
“Maybe she told you because she knew you couldn’t pay her back,” Mila snapped at her. “I’m fine.”
All Nadia’s feelings of nausea were quickly pushed to the side as her eyes narrowed to slits, and she walked up to the counter so that she was directly across from Mila. “I wasn’t aware that you had access to my bank account.”
“Excuse me?”
“I didn’t fucking stutter.”
“What is it that you want from me?”
“I want you to reconsider your previous statement, because last I checked, you don’t know what I can fucking afford and don’t have any goddamn business commenting on it.”
“All I’m saying is that I can afford to pay back a debt of eighty bucks, or whatever you claim this costs.”
“Then that’s what you should’ve said, Mila.”
“You’ve made your point, Nadia. I don’t need you to coach my fucking conversations.”
“Clearly, you do,” she replied tersely, before turning back towards the table. “Watch yourself.”
“Obviously, you watch me enough for the both of us.”
“And what the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It means I saw you looking when me and Justin left the reception last night.”
“Well wouldn’t that mean you were checking for me, too?” Nadia countered, coolly taking her seat. She crossed her long cocoa-colored legs and went back to her conversation with Rachel, who’d watched their entire exchange in complete disbelief.
“Is everything… okay?” Rachel asked with wide eyes. She couldn’t imagine people actually talked to one another that way outside of reality shows. Especially not two people that were almost strangers.
“I’m cool,” Nadia shrugged, taking another sip of her ginger ale. “Shit, better than ever.”
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
The truth was, Nadia was not better than ever. In fact, not only did she feel awful physically, but mentally and emotionally, she felt like a wreck. She accepted her part in it, and that the reason Justin wasn’t speaking to her was because of her own nonsensical insecurities, but when she saw him leave the party with Mila the night before, it was a punch to the gut. She didn’t expect him to replace her so easily. But then again, maybe she had been Mila’s temporary replacement all along. Either way, she hated the outcome.
As soon as she could muster the strength, Nadia was on the first available train back to the city. She didn’t want to wait for everyone to wake up, where she’d have to say a lot of awkward goodbyes, especially to Justin. She just wanted to escape that house, wafting with Mila’s attitude, and get back to what she knew best “ Brooklyn.
Tired from the weekend, she entered her cozy quarters with nothing on her mind but climbing into bed for the rest of the day. Imagine her surprise when she found Alejandra snoring between her sheets. Suddenly, Nadia erupted into tears.
Eventually stirred by her sobs, Alex opened her eyes to find a broken version of Nadia in front of her, and her heart immediately shattered. “Nadia?”
“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she cried softly, covering her mouth with her hand.
“You’re scaring me…”
“I’m losing it.” She shook her head, as if to shake her troubles away, and began to wipe her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she sniffled.
“Don’t be sorry. Tell me what’s wrong with you,” Alex demanded.
“I had a shitty weekend,” she shrugged, looking her straight in the eye. “And I just wanna get into bed and sleep until my alarm goes off in the morning.” She began to peel off her train clothes, found a pair of sweats and a wifebeater, and crawled into her comfortable queen with Alejandra.
“Nadia…”
“I don’t want to talk.”
Hesitantly relenting, she watched as Nadia let her head fall against her pillow and closed her eyes to the world. She studied the woman she yearned so desperately to know better, searching for the source of her sadness. “You’re so beautiful,” she whispered, admiring her lips.
A tear slipped past Nadia’s closed eye, falling to her pillowcase. “Stop looking at me,” she replied quietly.
I am colorblind
Coffee black and egg white
“Why won’t you talk to me?”
“I don’t know what to say.” She winced, noting that that had been the same thing she told Justin. “I never know what to say.”
“You talk nonstop for your job, and you do it pretty fuckin’ well.”
“Maybe that’s why I’m rendered speechless in real life.”
I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter-shook and uptight
“You don’t make any sense.”
“I know.”
“Talk to me.”
“You won’t like what I have to say,” Nadia promised.
“Try me.”
“I can’t afford to. Not right now.”
“Did something happen at the wedding?” Alex tried to guess.
Nadia gave an almost imperceptible shake of her head.
“Did you and Rachel make up?”
“Yeah… we’re fine, I guess.”
“You guess?”
“I think so.”
“Okay…”
Pull me out from inside
“Alex, it’s really nothing,” she lied “ mostly for her own benefit. “I am just exhausted and hung over and I’m not exactly thinking clearly.”
“You’re an emotional wreck.”
“I’ll live.”
They laid in silence for a long time, sneaking glances at one another when they hoped the other wasn’t looking. For all the times Nadia wanted Alex to give her space, she had to admit that she enjoyed having her there in that moment. After she thought about it, she didn’t actually want to be alone that day. She never wanted to be alone, it seemed, so she didn’t understand why she kept pushing people away.
“Nadia?” Alex called out to her softly.
“Yes?”
“You’re sad about him, aren’t you?”
Was that possible? Was she feeling this overwhelming sense of depression over Justin? That didn’t sound right. It didn’t feel right. She hadn’t been that attached to the guy. They’d spent the summer together, and it had been fun, sure, but he wasn’t anything to mourn over. Was he?
“I don’t know what I’m sad about, Alex.”
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine
“You lie.”
“I’m serious,” she sniffled. “Could it be him? I guess. But I don’t think it is.”
“What did he do?”
“He didn’t do anything,” she chuckled quietly. “I’m just not the friend he wanted. I’m sure you know how that goes.”
“Why are you like that?” she pressed.
“Why am I like what?”
“You know…”
“Oh, why am I a bitch?” She rested her hand over her eyes as her heart pounded in her head. “I ask myself that all the time. I’ve yet to come up with a plausible answer.”
Alex ran her hand along Nadia’s face, softly caressing her tear-filled cheek. “You’re so perfect when you wanna be.”
“You put me on a pedestal I don’t deserve, Alex.”
“You lecture me for loving you,” she scoffed. “I’ll never understand you.”
“Stop trying to.”
I am covered in skin
No one gets to come in
“I’m sorry I was here when you came home. I didn’t expect you back until later…”
“It’s fine,” she assured her curtly. “But I really would like to sleep now.”
“Oh…” The disappointment in Alex’s voice was obvious, but she knew she needed to tread lightly if she had any chance of staying. “We’ll sleep then, mija.”
And without anymore words exchanged, the two of them drifted into a comfortable slumber.
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
Several hours later, Nadia was shaken from her sleep by an unsettling chill that seemed to hit her like a ton of bricks. She hopped out of bed, not completely cognizant of her surroundings or the time, but she was clear that she had been struck with a mission.
Pull me out from inside
She quietly slipped into a pair of flip-flops, wrapped her straightened hair into a ponytail, threw on a hoodie, and left Alejandra with a kiss to her unwitting and unconscious forehead.
With her purse in hand, she puttered out of the front door with purpose. She checked her cell phone, just in case she had missed a call or text from… anyone, but only noted the time. It had just rounded the corner from midnight, and knowing she had to be up for work in less than four hours, she quickened her pace.
When Nadia finally reached the only open store on the block, she took a deep breath. She felt like she’d practically run there, on a whim, no less, and now she was nervous to take the next steps. If her hunch ended up being correct, things were about to change. Drastically. It was a weird feeling.
I am folded, and unfolded, and unfolding
I am colorblind
She entered Duane Reade with much trepidation, but even more tenacity. Her legs seemed to be moving faster than her brain, but they caught up with one another when she was greeted by the cashier.
“Good evening.”
“Hey,” Nadia returned brusquely. “Pregnancy tests?”
“Aisle seven,” the cashier grinned.
And she was off. Before she knew it, she found herself in an aisle full of contradictions. Condoms and pregnancy tests. “Irony,” she mumbled to herself. And then she realized that she was feeling the oddest mixture of tense and tranquil “ she was a contradiction herself.
Coffee black and egg white
Pull me out from inside
She decided on the most expensive test there was “ First Response Gold. She didn’t know what the hell “gold” meant, but she wasn’t going to skimp when it came to something that important. “Digital test with results in three minutes.” Sounded good to her.
Nadia had to stop herself from shaking as she removed the box from the shelf. She had been having sex for sixteen years, and this was the first time she’d experienced anything like this. Being scared didn’t seem to fully fit the occasion. She was scared, of course, but also something else she couldn’t quite pinpoint. She would go home with her pregnancy test, pee on a stick, and her life would either stay the same, or change in every imaginable way. What a feeling.
I am ready, I am ready, I am ready
I am fine
Lyrics: "Colorblind" - Counting Crows (This Desert Life)
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