twentyfour: wake me up when september ends
It had been over a week, and Justin still hadn’t returned Nadia’s call. She was more frustrated than sad about it, but that didn’t stop her from crying over it almost every day. It was times like this she almost wished she still worked in the ER, because that hectic schedule most certainly would have taken her mind off of it. Working just 4-5 hours a day, she had way too much time to think of everything that was wrong.
Nonetheless, she had an obligation to let Justin know what was going on, one way or another, so she sucked it up and called him again. He couldn’t ignore her forever, could he? The phone rang several times, to the point she was sure he wouldn’t pick up, until finally…
“Hello?” It was a woman’s voice, thick with sleep. Mila.
“Fuck me,” Nadia pulled the phone away to whisper to herself. Regaining her composure, she returned to the call to greet literally the last person she wanted to talk to at the moment. “Hey. Umm, it’s Nadia.”
There was a big sigh on the other end, as if she didn’t know who was calling. “Yeah…”
“Is Justin available?”
“He’s sleeping,” she answered coldly. “You got a message?”
“It’s actually kind of important, could you maybe wake him up?”
Mila considered it, but then sighed again, “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
It was 11:00 in the morning, how sleepy could he be? “Listen, he hasn’t returned any of my calls in a week, and I kind of do need to talk to him, so if you could do me a solid, I would appreciate it.”
“Your funeral,” she relented eventually. She lightly shook Justin from his slumber and handed him the phone. “It’s your friend, Nadia,” she sarcastically announced. “She insisted.”
Frowning, Justin wiped the sleep from his eyes and retrieved the phone from his ex-wife, staring at the face on the screen. He was so confused, having been catapulted from his dreams, but took the call anyway. “Hello?” he greeted her groggily.
“Justin. Hey.” She was suddenly nervous, and she didn’t know why. It’s not like she was going to tell him over the phone. And certainly not while she was at work. She just needed to set up a time and place to talk to him. This was the easy part.
“What’s up,” he returned tersely.
She wasn’t sure if he was being curt because he was sleepy or because he was mad at her, but either way, she wanted to cut to the chase. “Umm… okay. So the way things were left between us, I’m still not entirely sure what happened, but I know I can’t afford to leave us hanging in the balance this way…”
“Okay…”
“So I wanted to see if you were free for dinner sometime soon, I wanted to talk. Get shit out in the open and all that jazz.”
“Nadia,” he sighed. “I… I don’t know.”
“It’s really important to me,” she appended before he could shoot her down completely. “If you’re not comfortable with dinner, we can do lunch, breakfast, a walk in the park, I don’t give a shit. I just want to talk to you, face to face.”
He glanced at Mila, who was clearly trying to pretend not to be paying attention, but in the silence of his bedroom, he knew she could hear every word Nadia said. “Why?” he eventually asked her. “Why now, after I begged you so many times to just talk to me?”
“I don’t know,” she was on the verge of tears when she realized he was not going to make this any easier on her. “I’m just not the happy, sharing, caring kind of person I guess I should be. I don’t know how to talk to people, I’m realizing.”
“You talk to people every day on the radio. You don’t seem to have a problem sharing your life there.”
There it was again. If she didn’t know any better, she would have sworn he and Alejandra were in cahoots. “They’re strangers,” she shrugged to herself. “There are no faces staring back at me, clamoring for more than I’m willing to give.”
“I see.”
“I’m fucked up, Justin. I never denied that. But I’m trying.”
“I appreciate the effort,” his tone softened just a smidge, “but… I don’t have room for your fucked up in my life. I have enough of my own baggage to deal with.”
And then the floodgates opened. Her face was covered in tears before she could even come up with a response. “I see. Too little, too late, I guess.”
“Pretty much,” he confirmed.
“I guess now that Mila is back, you don’t need any other friends, huh?”
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
“It means that I was an okay person to spend the summer with while you were still aching from your divorce, but as soon as that bitch walks back into your life, I’m not good enough anymore.”
“Nadia,” he chuckled her name in a way that almost sounded evil. “You did this. You don’t get to blame this on me, and you definitely don’t get to blame it on her. You and all your lying and your walls you put up. You don’t get to blame anyone but yourself.”
“Whatever, Justin. You know, I tried. I’m here, trying to fix it, and you’re not even willing to hear me out. And you can pretend it’s not because of her, but I think we both know if you weren’t back in each other’s beds, you would have at least given enough of a shit to listen to me.”
“Maybe so,” he granted after a few seconds of thought. “Maybe so. But the fact is, she’s here, and I’m good without you, so…”
“You’re an asshole,” she spat before hanging up the phone. She was crying almost uncontrollably, realizing that that went exactly how she didn’t want it to go. Her heart hurt.
Rachel, having overheard most of the conversation from her side of the desk, immediately went to check on her friend and coworker. “Nadia.” When she saw how dejected and disheveled her friend looked, she wanted to cry, too. “What the hell is going on?”
Nadia covered her face, embarrassed that she’d just let that conversation happen at work, and now she was crying for what felt like the millionth time in weeks. She hated whoever she was becoming. “I’m all right,” she eventually told Rachel, though anyone with two eyes could see that that wasn’t true.
“You’re not,” Rachel refused to accept. “What the fuck did he do to you?”
She shook her head adamantly. “I did it to myself.”
“Bullshit. You’ve been so sad since the wedding, and I’ve tried to ignore it because you obviously didn’t want to talk about it, but I can’t just act like I didn’t hear what I heard.”
“Our friendship is over,” she shrugged, wiping her eyes. “Not much more to tell.”
Rachel took a seat in the other chair occupying Nadia’s desk, and took her hand. “Listen to me,” she was whispering so low, Nadia could barely hear her. “You and your baby will be just fine without him.”
Nadia’s eyes widened in shock and she involuntarily snatched her hand away to cover her mouth. How did she know? She hadn’t told anyone but Alex yet. How could she possibly… “What?”
“Come on, you’ve been acting nothing like the cool, calm, collected Nadia that I know. You’ve been a little bit crazy, actually. You've been sick and throwing up for weeks now. And we all know what you and Justin were up to all summer. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist…”
She grabbed her friend and pulled her towards the elevators so that they could discuss it in private. “Rachel, if anyone else knows, you better tell me right now.”
“I don’t know!” She put a comforting arm around Nadia and tried to talk her through it. “I surely haven’t discussed it with anyone. And I doubt Kristin noticed, being totally immersed in her wedding and all. When she gets back, that’s a different story, but for now… I think your secret is probably safe.”
“Shit, Rach. I… don’t know what to do.”
“You’ll be fine,” she promised her again. “You don’t need him.”
She closed her eyes and melted into her friend’s embrace as they rode the elevator up and down the building’s floors. A few people joined them along the way, most likely wondering why two women were standing in the corner in tears, but it didn’t matter. That was the first time Nadia had felt any solace in weeks. Maybe it was nice to hear someone say it would be all right. Or maybe she was relieved that Justin was being such an asshole, so she didn’t feel obligated to keep a baby she didn’t necessarily want. She wasn’t sure why she was feeling such an overwhelming calm, but she was glad it was there. Even if it was just before the storm.
:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
When her work day was finally over, at just 1:00 in the afternoon, Nadia was exhausted. She’d been through the emotional ringer, and it probably would have been in her best interests to go straight home. She had a doctor’s appointment the next day, so she really should have enjoyed her time off while she could. Instead, she headed to Queens for a visit to her mom.
“So this is a pleasant surprise,” Nadine announced as she handed her daughter a bottle of water. They sat at her kitchen table, blankly staring towards one another. “What brings you to Queens, kiddo?”
Nadia was suddenly speechless, unsure whether she wanted to share her news now. “I… umm. I’m not sure,” she chuckled nervously.
“Sure you do. Last time we saw each other, you weren’t exactly keen on speaking with me, so there has to be a reason.”
“I know. But something’s... happened, and... I thought I should tell you, I guess.”
Nadine began grinning like a child, and took her daughter’s hand. “What is it? Where is it?”
“Where is what,” Nadia snatched her hand away, annoyed with her mother’s giddiness. “Why are you smiling like that?”
“Well he proposed to you, didn’t he? At the wedding, I was betting.”
“Who?” she was almost yelling.
“Your ‘friend,’ Justin,” Nadine answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
“Mom. No.” She sighed in exasperation and took long gulps of her water. “What the fuck kind of fantasy world do you live in?”
“I’m sorry. I just… let my mind wander, I suppose.”
“Ridiculous.”
“Well then what’s happened?”
She stared at her mother, agitated that she clearly lived in a world very different from her own, but she decided to announce it anyway. “I’m pregnant.”
Nadine visibly swallowed, unsure of what to say in response. That one, she did not see coming. “I see.”
“And it’s Justin’s,” she confirmed, “but we’re not speaking, apparently, so… I don’t know what’s going to happen.”
“What do you want to happen?”
“I don’t know,” her voice cracked as she spoke. She was fighting hard to hold back these tears, as she was absolutely sick of crying. “I don’t even know if I want to keep it.”
“Nadia."
"Don't look at me like that," she closed her eyes to avoid her gaze.
"You have to keep it.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Why wouldn’t you?”
“Because I don’t want to be a single mother,” she retorted curtly.
“Why in the world not?” Nadine pressed. “You probably don’t remember, but girl, we had some good times together. Cereal for dinner, sleepovers during the week. Remember, I’d let you stay home from school and we’d go on some adventure in the city? You, and me, and your brother. We had good times.”
“It’s funny you remember it that way, mom. Because what I remember is eating cereal for dinner because you were too depressed to cook for us. I slept in your room every night because you couldn’t bear to look at the empty spot in the bed. And that’s if you were home. And I stayed home from school because there became a point where I no longer had clean underwear. You didn’t even have money to do the laundry. And those ‘adventures’ through the city entailed hour-long subway rides to Harlem to stalk my father and get into fights with whoever his girlfriend was at the time. So no, I do not have any interest in being a single parent, because if I were anything like you, my child would end up raising me. No, thank you.”
“Nadia Denise Maraj, you take that back right now.”
“No.”
“I did my best, and the fact that you don’t recognize that…”
“Mom, I love you. I do. But you were more concerned with men than motherhood, and I’m not gonna pretend otherwise just to spare your feelings.”
“I did my best,” she was crying now. “Your father left me when I got pregnant with you, and I was young and silly, I guess, but I tried to navigate my way through that and be a good mother.”
“I’m sorry,” Nadia was crying too, as much as she didn’t want to be. “And I know you tried, mom. But you failed. And I don’t wanna be a failure to whoever’s inside me.”
She got up from the table and turned from her daughter's harsh words. “You break my heart, you know.”
“I know,” she sighed shakily. “But I can’t afford to fuck this up.”
Nadine nodded, wiping her face with the tail of her vest. “Well you’re obviously not here for my advice then…”
“No, I guess not.”
“So what line did Justin use? He’s not ready for a kid right now? ‘We don’t have to pay for mistakes for the rest of our lives?’ How’d he break your heart?”
“He didn’t break my heart,” she frowned. “He doesn’t even know yet.”
“Oh. I thought you said you weren’t speaking.”
“Yeah, but that was before I even found out.”
“I see," she returned softly as she turned back around.
“So… I don’t know how or if that conversation will go down, but… it hasn’t.”
“There can’t be an ‘if,’ Nadia. You have to tell him.”
“I’ve tried.”
“Try harder!”
“I can’t,” she shouted sadly. “I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“He doesn’t like me anymore.” She knew she sounded like a whiny child as the words came out of her mouth, but she didn’t care. The feeling it gave her made her feel inadequate, like a little kid. And with her hormones raging, she couldn’t stop the tears.
“Oh, baby.” Despite her daughter’s cold words, when Nadine saw her child in pain, she wanted to fix it. She moved across the room to sit down next to her, consoling her as only a mother could. “I’m sure that’s not true.”
“It is, ma. He’s back with his ex-wife, he thinks I’m a cold bitch, and it’s over. It’s done.”
“Nadia, I met a young man a few weeks ago that had a very keen interest in you. And I have no doubt that if you hadn’t forced him to leave, he still would. So I need you to suck it up, I need you to get back on that horse, and try again.”
“Mom, I can’t have another conversation like the one we did today.”
“I promise you, when you tell him this news, it will change everything.”
“But--.”
“It will change everything, sweetheart. And nothing else will matter anymore.”
As much as Nadia hated to take her mother’s advice, she had to believe that was true. She needed it to be. Because if something didn’t change, she wasn’t sure what would happen.
Author's Chapter Notes:
I am super sorry for the delay, you guys! I don't even have a good excuse, just pure busyness. But here's another chapter of nonsense to hold you over lol.
Incomplete
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