I’ve lost it.

I’ve done the unthinkable, had a split second to make the best decision, and chose the worst one because I’d surpassed my business relationship with Justin.  The entire car ride to the hospital that day, I kept telling myself that moving him into the house for a couple of weeks was a stupid, irresponsible idea, and that it never would have crossed my mind if I wasn’t so stressed about other things.  I was firm that he was going to have to move to another town and wait for a spot to open up.  When I parked the car, I told myself that my decision was final.  That Justin would have to deal with it.

But one look at him sitting in that wheelchair, desperate for somebody to help him, made me forget all of that, and I could kick myself now.  I mean, what the hell am I thinking? I’m not going to get away with this.  Between Preston, my family, friends, and my boss, somebody is going to find out, which means I’ll either be fired, dumped, or disowned, and for what?  I’m not supposed to get close to the other side, because that’s how trouble usually starts.  I’m supposed to be looking out for Ava, and now I’m putting everything on the line to give Justin a chance to rebuild his life.

I guess that meeting with his mom might have effected me a more than I originally thought.

During the two weeks Justin was in the hospital, I balanced my time between working on my cases at the center, planning a wedding I wasn’t even sure about, and spending time with my neglected girlfriends.  On top of all that, I somehow managed to sneak in an hour here and there to try and find Justin a place to go once he was discharged.  It was frustrating me more and more as the days passed, because nobody I called coul cut me a break...and some of them owed me favors too.  It was almost as if every homeless person in Los Angeles had been able to find a place to go, except for Justin, and I started to think that something, or someone, was working against him.

And I wasn’t going to let one more person let him down, crazy as I knew it was.

My last resort was going to pay his mother a visit.  Since the truth came out about Justin, part of me had been curious about just why it was that his mother refused to let him stay at her place for a little while.  Of course...I knew what drug addiction could do to a family, but Justin had been clean for a number of years, so I knew there was more behind his mother’s decision.

She lives in a nice middle class neighborhood just twenty minutes outside of Los Angeles.  It was the kind of place where crime was always at an all time low, and I knew it was a great place for Ava to have been growing up.  I didn’t get that either, why she refused to take Ava in.  I assumed it had been a personal decision, one that would ‘teach Justin a lesson’ so to speak...but that wasn’t doing anything to help Ava, and she was the innocent victim.  I wasn’t allowed to push that on her though.  Because she had signed away her right to custody, it was as if she wasn’t even related to her own granddaughter, and I was bound by law not to bring the subject up.

But there was no law saying that I couldn’t talk to her about her son.

“Mrs. Timberlake?” I said it brightly as she opened the door part way, but by the look on her face, I could tell that I wasn’t welcome.   

“It’s Gullman now.”

“Oh.”  I flashed a tight smile.  “Sorry...Mrs. Gullman.”

“What’s he done now?  Did he finally get someone killed?”

I pressed my lips together.  She was used to it, probably thought I was a police officer or social worker, come to tell her that Justin had turned back into a good for nothing drug addict.  When I looked into her eyes again, I could tell how tired she was, that she couldn’t take another blow from her son.  “Justin...hasn’t done anything wrong.  He’s actually trying to get his life back together.”

She just stared at me.

“May I come in?”  I pulled my DCF badge out and held it out for her to see.  

“If this is about Ava...I already told them...”

“It’s not...well, maybe a little bit, but I’m really here to talk to you about your son.”

“But you’re not his case worker are you?”r32;
I knew she was getting confused, and she had a right to be, because I had no place there.  It wasn’t my job, but I was already there and it would have been a waste of my time to give up just then.  “No, I’m Ava’s...but I’m helping him out.”

She sighed heavily and looked back over her shoulder, then back to me.  It was as if she was fighting some impossible battle with herself right then.  One that she couldn’t win.  “I suppose we can talk for a little while.  My husband won’t be home for a couple of hours, but you can’t be here when he comes.  He’s...he’s made me promise not to let Justin back into our lives.”

I nodded.  I knew that it was more the husband than her.  That if she’d been alone, she would have let Ava and her son back into her life a long time ago, but I have no idea if that would have helped Justin, or made him worse.  “Thank you.”

She escorted me into small the house, and into the living room, before having me sit down on the sofa and offering me coffee.  I accepted, and she nervously rushed off to make it, which gave me the opportunity to look around the room a little bit.

There wasn’t a picture of Justin, or Ava anywhere.

Not one.

It was disheartening to see how far she had pushed her own son out of her life.  I knew whatever Justin had done to force his mother to shut him out must have been extreme, and I wasn’t sure if it was right of me to make her relive all of that.  I knew if I was going to take the next step in helping Justin though, I needed to know his backstory.  I needed to know that I could trust him, for the most part.

“I hope you like Folgers,” she forced out a nervous batch of laughter before placing the tray with the coffee, cream and sugar on the little table in front of the sofa.

“Yes, thank you.”  

She sat, took her cup, and began to stir some sugar into her coffee, making sure not to meet my eyeline at all.

“I’m...I’m sorry to burst in on you like this Mrs...”

“You can call me Lynn,” she said softly.  “No need for formalities.”

“I’m Betsy.”

“That’s a nice name.” She flashed a tight smile.  “You don’t hear that very often.”

I nodded gently.  “It was my mothers.”

“Oh.  Is she with you?”

“She...” I trailed off and stared off into space for a moment.  It was probably the last thing I expected to talk about with her, but for some reason, I felt like it was okay to say it.  “She died when I was a few days old.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” I forced a smile.  “Things work themselves out.”

“They do.”

But she didn’t smile.

“How-how is he?” She asked next, before I could say anything else.

It was hard for me to look her in the eye after she said it, because I didn’t know how she would take the news.  I considered lying to her, saying that he was fine, working hard...but something inside of me just couldn’t do it.  She was too kind, and had been lied to more times than she should have been in her lifetime.  “He’s in the hospital.”

She gasped, her eyes widened, and she covered her mouth for a moment.  “Oh God...”

“He’s okay,” I reassured her quickly, putting a hand on her shoulder so she wouldn’t have a nervous breakdown.  “Just a couple of broken bones...but it wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t because of the drugs.”

“It wasn’t?”

It was like she couldn’t believe it.  “No...it was because he was too stubborn to ask for help.”

She actually laughed a little.  “Well, he hasn’t changed much then.”

“You mean he’s always been this stubborn?” I smiled.

“Unfortunately.  You can imagine how hard it was to get him to eat his vegetables or take a bath when he was a boy.”  She smiled, her eyes growing distant as she got lost in the memory.  “I just...I wish I could have been a little harder on him before...he got mixed up in everything else.”

“Sometimes there’s nothing you can do.  That’s what drug addiction does to people...families.  It’s an unfortunate reality.”

She just nodded, and went back to her coffee.

“Lynn.”

“Hm.”

“Is there...any significant reason why you aren’t able to let Justin stay here for a couple of weeks?”

She was silent for a long time, and for a while, I thought she was going to send me on my way, but then: “You have to understand...no mother wants to throw her own child out on the street.”  

I nodded.

“But...there comes a point where you have to make a choice.  When Justin was eight, his father left us.  He was never the same after that.  I had to work two jobs to get the bills paid, and so...he was on his own most of the time.  When he started to hang around with the wrong kind of kids, I did my best to separate him from them, but nothing seemed to work.  By the time I met my husband, Justin was already too much for me to handle.  We...put up with it for a while, but when his drug addiction got out of control and he...he started stealing irreplaceable things to fund his habit, Craig put his foot down and had him arrested.  You understand that we were trying to do the best thing for Justin, don’t you?  I...I thought he would get his act together after that, but the minute he was out of prison, he went right back to the drugs.  Then he had Ava, but Craig and I thought it was best that we didn’t get too attached, because we knew that he would want us to take her one day, and it wasn’t our responsibility.  I hate that...I let her go off with the state when Justin was arrested again.  I wish there had been another option but Craig refused to take her in, and I couldn’t lose him too.”

I wanted to agree with her, tell her she was right to do what she did, and the professional side of me did agree.  But, the part of me that knew what it was like to be cast aside by the people that were supposed to care about you, resented her.  It was horribly unprofessional, but I couldn’t shake the feeling, and I felt for Justin...I did, because he was sober, and trying the only way he knew how to get his life together so he could be there for Ava.  I wanted her to see that, to help her son, but I knew she wasn’t going to give up the peaceful life she had with a husband that obviously cared about her a great deal.  The pictures of the two of them looking blissfully happy littered the room and the walls.

He was all she had left, and I knew that no amount of begging or pleading was going to get her to give her son a break.  She’d gotten him out of her system, for the most part.

And I was sitting there, wasting time, when I could have been looking into other solutions for Justin.

I put my coffee down on the table and flashed her another polite smile as I rose from the sofa.  “Thank you for talking to me, Lynn.  I know it couldn’t have been easy.”

She got up too.  “I’m...sorry I couldn’t be more helpful.  It’s a part of my life that I wish would have worked out differently, and also one that I’m trying to forget about.”

“There’s still time,” I said softly.  

“He’s not my son anymore.”

It didn’t shock me as much as it should have.

She let out a long breath as she walked me to the door.  “He’ll be all right, won’t he?  Once he gets out of the hospital?”

I stared back into her eyes, for the first time realizing that Justin had the same ones...piercing metallic blue, full of that subtle kindness that you wouldn’t notice unless you were looking for it.  “He’ll recover.  He’s trying hard right now, for Ava.  I think he may be putting more effort into this than anything else he’s done in his life.”

She smiled faintly, and opened the door.  “Please don’t tell him we spoke.”

Then I was back out on the porch, and when I heard the door click closed behind me, I knew that was the most I was going to get out of Lynn Gullman.  

Justin was alone in the world, and if he was, that meant Ava was too.

I knew I had to do something to help him, extreme or not, before it was too late.

“Do I have any friends who have extra room at their place?” Carter laughed at me that night as we ate dinner at a restaurant close to his house.  His wife had taken their daughter, Ashley, to girl scouts and their son, Lucas, was at a friends house.  “Why? Are you leaving Preston?  Didn’t I tell you that you can stay with us?  Shit, we can go back to the house after we eat and I’ll get all your stuff packed before eleven.”

I rolled my eyes.  “Carter, be serious.”

He slurped his soda.  “I am being serious.”

“Look, I have this...friend,” I lied.  “He’s in a bind.”

“And you think one of my friends is going to let some stranger stay with them for who knows how long? Betsy...really, I’m worried about you...like, telling mom and dad worried.”

Reality hit me hard.  It wasn’t just an odd request...it was a crazy one.  I snapped back into reality a little bit then, knew that I shouldn’t have been talking to Carter about Justin.  “I’m fine,” I said quickly.  “Sorry...I wasn’t thinking.”

“Who’s your friend?” He smirked.

I could have kicked myself, because he wasn’t going to let the subject go without prying.  That was Carter though, always involved in my business because he was my brother and felt it was his duty to protect me from the dangers of the world.  “Nobody.”

“Hey if you’re fucking somebody else, I totally get why you’d do that.”

“You’re a pig.” I glared at him as I got up from the booth and threw some bills down.  “Just...forget that I brought it up, all right?”

A concerned look took over his expression then, and I knew he could tell something was really bothering me.  It wasn’t Justin so much as it was Preston.  The fact that I had barely spoken to him since that night he hung up on me, was doing things to me...telling me that I was worthless, not worthy of his time, because I wasn’t as important as Chicago and the case.  

“Betsy, sit down would you?  Tell me what’s going on.”

I plopped down, felt my face begin to burn, and tried the hardest I could not to start crying.  I hadn’t broken down in front of anybody after the phone call, and I was proud of that.  I had been a perfect angel for Sandra, the wedding coordinator, my boss, my girlfriends during the one night we were able to get out, and for the most part...Justin.  But Carter, I knew I couldn’t keep it from him.  He was the only one who really knew me...knew everything.  “I just...all this stuff is going on with the wedding and work...”

“What’d he do?”

I sighed.  I figured it was time to stop bullshitting and get to the point, because Carter knew what the main problem was.  “I don’t know if Preston loves me anymore.”

He nodded slowly.  “You think it’s another girl?”

I shrugged.  “I haven’t gotten that far.”

“How do you feel?”

I looked at him, but couldn’t answer.  Immediately, my fingers grasped my engagement ring and began to twist it around.  I hadn’t thought about it since he left...how I really felt about us.  If getting married was what I really wanted, if I really loved him enough.  But I didn’t have to question any of that when Preston was home...

I just knew I wanted to marry him, because I loved him.

“I love him.  I mean...I think I do.”

“Well you better decide if you do or don’t for sure,” he laughed lightly.  “Betsy...how much is this wedding even costing?  I knew it was going to be over the top after mom told me the Harringtons were going to pay for the reception.  You can’t just sit by and let his family spend God knows how much and then decide to back out, you know? They sue people for less.”

I rubbed my temples and let out a pathetic groan.  “I just need like...a day with my fiance.  But I can’t even have that because he’s in fucking Chicago for who knows how long.”

“What’s going to happen when you’re married and he starts going away on trips like this more often?”

I hadn’t considered that either.  “I don’t know.”

“Does he know how you get when you’re left alone?”

I shrugged.  “He knows I can get panicky...Sandra was appointed to keep me company.  I’d rather jab needles into my eyes, though.  You know how it is...you’ve been around her, Carter.”

“She’s going to be your mother in law,” he smirked.  “So you better get used to it...all of it.  It’s a package deal marrying a guy like that, and you’ll never escape.”

“I’m not supposed to want to escape, though.”

“But you’re already dreading it, and you’ve been second guessing this whole thing for a while now.”

I frowned.

“So, who’s your friend?”

But I knew I couldn’t tell him about Justin, about any of it, because hell, I didn’t even understand the situation enough to explain it to myself.  Instead, I put my part of the bill on the table, hugged and kissed my brother, before basically deserting him at the diner.  I knew he wouldn’t be happy with me, but he couldn’t stay mad at me forever.

He loved me too much.

I went home that night to an empty house and no messages on the answering machine.  I watched TV until midnight, and then I decided to get in bed.  I stared at the empty space beside me for awhile, wishing Preston would simply appear, so I could talk to him, be comforted by him like so many times in the past.  My eyes caught sight the picture on his side of the night stand, and I reached over to pick it up.  Us.  We were at the beach.  It was a good day.  He asked some nice old couple to take a picture of us there by the edge of the water, his arms wrapped around me like he couldn’t have asked for a better person to be in his arms.

It seemed like all of that was so long ago.

I missed him.

So I decided to call him.

The phone rang forever, and I nearly hung up, figuring Preston must have been out at a bar, entertaining his clients, since it was only ten o’clock his time.

“Hello?”

The chills ran up and down my spine...because it wasn’t Preston.  The voice was female, and I wished I could have been that bold, determined woman that wasn’t going to be outwitted by some slut on the other end of the line.  “Is...is Preston there?”

“Oh...he’s in the shower,” she half giggled.  “He wanted me to answer in case a client called.  Can I take a message?”

I was silent for a long time.

“Hello?”

I hung up, didn’t sleep, cried most of the night.

Looking back on it now, I think I know why I wasn’t in my right mind that morning at the hospital.  The thought had hit me like a ten ton weight while I had been in the shower...that I could just have Justin stay at the house with me.  It seemed to simply, so ingenious.  He wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over his head for a while, and I could help him get back on track while he recovered.  He could get his GED, maybe even start filling out some job applications...

It seemed like a great idea, sure...to somebody who was half out of her mind.  Only later, when my head was completely clear, would I realize how foolish I was.

But there’s no turning back now.  This afternoon, I’ll have myself a new roommate, but not before he’s been allowed to hang out with his daughter for a couple of hours.  

“Miss Betsy?”

I smile at her as I crouch down and straighten her dress out.  “Yes, Ava?”

“Why is my daddy in the hospital?”

It’s something I haven’t been able to explain to her completely.  I mean, I doubt Justin would want me to tell his daughter that he was jumped in an alley by some hoodlums, so I’ve resorted to skirting around the subject entirely.  It’s worked, up until now anyway.  “He had an accident, that’s all, but he gets to leave today, that’s good isn’t it?”

She shrugs and looks at the floor.  “I dunno.  He can’t come live with me.”

“Not right now, but hopefully soon.  Right now, all he really wants to do is see you, and I know you can keep that big smile on your face for him so he’ll feel better that much faster, right?”

She nods a little.  “What about the Baxters?”

“What about them, honey?”

“Well...Miss Darcy says I’m supposed to go spend the weekend with them.  Does that mean I have to go live with them forever?”

I resist letting my jaw drop open.  Honestly, it’s a complete surprise to me, because my boss said nothing to me about it.  Although, she wouldn’t have.  The Baxters are good friends of hers, and before we discovered that Justin was working to get Ava back, she was practically promised to them.  It’s been a while since Ava has seen them, and I wasn’t sure what the status was with their interest in her anymore...but it’s obvious that they’re still very interested.  A few nights overnight at a prospective adoptive families house means serious business.

It means Darcy has all the faith in the world that Justin won’t be regaining custody of his daughter, and...she’s counting on me to find every scrap of information about him that will ruin his chances at a life with Ava.

Only, I’m barely on her side anymore.

“Miss Betsy, I don’t want to live any place except with my daddy,” she continues.  “Tell them that.”

I sigh and rub her shoulders a little.  “I’ll do what I can, kiddo.  How about we go see your dad right now?”

She smiles brilliantly.  “Okay.”r32;
We enter the elevator and take it up to Justin’s floor.  He’s already being pushed out of his room by a nurse, dressed in his street clothes, overnight bag resting on his lap, ready to face the world.

“Hey!” He exclaims brightly when he lays eyes on his daughter, obviously surprised that I actually brought her with me.  I know he wasn’t expecting me to hold true to my word, and that tells me that while we’re much friendlier now, he still doesn’t trust me a hundred percent.

But I guess I don’t trust him completely either.

I let Ava run towards her father, and she throws her arms around him the best she can, while he positions his good arm around her small body, and kisses her head and face, whispering things in her ear that get her to giggle.  I feel the tears threatening to expose themselves, so I turn away, ready to head down to the cafeteria so they can have a little bit more privacy for once.

“Collins!”

I hear him call my name as I start to walk away, and I quickly whirl around.  “I’ll be at the cafeteria...go outside or down to the kids play room on the pediatrics floor.  I can come get you when it’s time to go.”

He kisses Ava once more before wheeling himself closer to me.  “What are you doing this weekend?”

I’m caught off guard.  “I...don’t know.  Why?”

“Well I just thought you know...since you’re doing me such a huge favor maybe...you’d be willing to do one more for Ava.”

I sigh, narrow my eyes.  “Justin...”r32;
He pulls an envelope out of his pocket before I can continue and holds it out for me.  I take it, reluctantly, and my eyes widen when I see what’s been tucked inside.  “Disneyland? But how...”

“Trace.  He wanted to get her something.  There’s passes and reservations at the Disneyland Hotel for two nights, all paid for.”

“You can’t walk.”r32;
Justin smirks.  “The rides have handicapped entrances.”

“Oh.”  I quickly fold up the paper and tuck the tickets inside again.  “Well Justin you know...she can’t really be off the premises overnight.”

It’s a lie, but I don’t have the heart to tell him about the Baxters or that my boss has already made plans for his daughter this weekend.

“It’s two days,” he says gently, looking back over his should to ensure Ava isn’t within earshot.  “Please, Collins.  There’s three tickets.  Trace thought if you came...it might not be such a big deal.  You could just tell your boss that she’s staying with you over the weekend or something.”

“It’s not that simple.”

He stares into my eyes, as if he can read me like a book.  “What is it?”

“It’s...nothing...you know how the system works, Justin.  It’ll have to be another time.  Just enjoy the time I’ve gotten for you today, all right? I’ll see you in a bit.”

“Betsy.”

He says it before I can blow him off and fuck...fuck...I hate when he says my name like that.  He knows it gets to me, that I can’t lie to him or ignore him when he gets so serious.  I turn back to him, and I can just tell...that he knows what’s going on.

“It’s another family isn’t it?” He whispers.

“My boss wants her to go on a home visit this weekend, that’s all.  It’s not serious...”

“Not serious?  Are you fucking kidding me?  I’m not an idiot!”

I’m silent.

“What the hell am I supposed to do?” He wheels himself right up to me, grits his teeth in my face as he says the words.  “I can’t...I can’t compare myself to some suburbanites who have more money than I ever will.”

“That’s why I’m trying to help you, Justin.  I mean, do you think I’d kill myself like this otherwise? I don’t want to see...” I stop myself, because it’s going too far.  I can’t tell him how I really feel, because if this thing backfires, he’ll put all the blame on me.  “Just let me do my job, okay?  

“What’s going to happen if they win, Collins?”

I shake my head a little.  “I’m going to do everything I can to stop that from happening.”

He sits back a little.  “Can I ask you something else?”

“You’re wasting Ava time.”

“Why are you helping me?”

I lick my lips and swallow hard.  It was something I hoped he wouldn’t bring up, that he wouldn’t care about.  “I just...think you deserve better.”
“That can’t be the only reason.  You’re letting me into your home.  I mean, for all you know I could loot your whole place.”

“You wouldn’t,” I say simply.

“Yeah, but how do you know that?”

“I just do.”

I turn and walk away from him.  He doesn’t stop me this time, and I’m so thankful, even more so when I finally reach the cafeteria and get myself a big ass cup of coffee.  I take a seat after that, and start to go over work emails in my blackberry.  I frown when I realize I’m behind on a couple of cases, and have retained two new ones.

Next week I’ll be swamped for sure, but maybe it’s better that way.

A new text message pops up as I’m deleting some junk mail.  It’s from Darcy, and I hesitate for a long moment before I finally open it up.

I figured Ava would say something about it, but I just wanted to confirm that the Baxters will be taking her for the weekend.  If you could please have her packed and ready tomorrow afternoon, I’ll take care of getting her there and picking her up on Sunday evening.  

I reply quickly:

My brother is having a party at his house this weekend for one of his kids.  I was planning on taking Ava so she would be able to meet some new faces.  Is there a way they can push it to next weekend?

Then my phone begins to ring.

“Betsy Collins.”

“Betsy, is there something going on?”

I wince.  “No Darcy.  I just...”

“You do realize the Baxters are ready to move forward with the adoption?  Why in the world would you want to jeopardize their opportunity to get closer to Ava right now?”

“I wasn’t trying to do that.  I just thought since Ava’s father was still fighting for custody...”

“He hasn’t got a chance in hell, Betsy.”

“Well he...”

“Have you read the file?”

r32;“Yes...”

“He’s a good for nothing, and it’s your job to ensure he doesn’t wind up taking that sweet little girl back to that horrible life of his.  How are your notes? Have you been compiling a good case against him during the visits?  Any touch can be considered inappropriate Betsy, make sure you stick to that method, all right?  Maybe pull him aside sometime and talk to him about the benefits of signing Ava over to us.  Tell him that it could just be something temporary...that he could always come back to her when he has his life together, and file for custody then.  If you can get him to sign the parental rights waiver, we won’t even have to go to court, and this whole case can finally be put to rest.”

I’m silent, the things she’s telling me chilling me to the core.  I know how DCF runs things at times, and I’ve known a few agents over the course of my career that have done some underhanded things to get children away from their parents, but the fact that my boss is encouraging me to do it, solely for the benefit of her good friends, is rubbing me the wrong way.  She’s never met Justin, never talked to him, and could care less that he’s making an effort for the first time in his life.

“Betsy, did you hear what I said?”

“Y-yeah.  Yeah I heard you.”

“Is there a problem?” She says coldly.

“I...”r32;

“Because if there is I can give Ava’s case to somebody else who will get the job done right.”

“No.  There’s no problem,” I whisper.

“Then you won’t mind dropping me off a copy of your notes, I’m sure.  Maybe have them on my desk by tomorrow afternoon so I can see how the case is progressing.  That will give me enough time to give you some ideas to speed the process along.”

“I’ll have it for you.”

“Good to hear.”

She hangs up, and I’m left sitting at the table in a daze.  I never thought it would come down to this...betray Justin, somebody I’ve been trying to help out of a deep dark hole, all for the sake of my bosses happiness.  I’d quit right now, but if I did, I have no idea what would happen to Ava, and that doesn’t sit well with me.  That plus the fact that Justin would never forgive me for deserting his daughter, means I’m stuck.

Stuck in a game that I know I have a good chance of losing, no matter what the outcome.