“Explain.”

I spread myself out on the chaise lounge next to Carter’s, and start rubbing myself with tanning lotion.  He’s laying there calmly, sunglasses on, as he stares up into the sunny California sky.  Lucas and Ashley are several feet away, splashing around in the pool, squealing with laughter.  If it were any other day, I wouldn’t be able to ask for anything more, because I really do love having him and his family here, even if his wife is a little on the annoying side.  But this isn’t a normal day.  Carter knows what’s going on, even if he doesn’t have the full story from me.  While I trust my brother, know that he would keep something I told him to the grave...this situation is just a little bit extreme.

He thinks I’ve lost my mind.

“Are you going to hear me out first, or interrupt me every five minutes?”

He huffs loudly.  “Start explaining first and then I’ll decide.”

He’s pissed.  I feel terrible, because Carter expects me to tell him everything, good, bad, or crazy, before I go through with it.  It’s because we’re so close, been through so much, are each others best friends and will always be.  “Look, I’m not sleeping with him.  It’s not about that.”

“I don’t care if you are.”  He finally turns his head to look at me.  “But you didn’t tell me that you were thinking about moving him in here, and you didn’t tell me that he’s like...disabled...”

“His leg is broken,” I scowl.  “He’s not handicapped for life.”

“And how did you start talking to a guy who has a broken leg?”

I fold my arms across my chest and look away from him.  “He’s not just some guy I met, Carter.  He’s a client of mine.”

My brother doesn’t say anything for a long time, and I know he’s trying to guess what this is all about.  He’s good at that, reading me like a book.  
r32;“Just tell me he’s not that Heroin addict with the little girl, and I’ll get off your case.”

I can’t answer him, because I feel like a fucking fool.

“Betsy...really?”

“It’s not permanent...”

“How many times do I have to tell you that you don’t have to make up for dad’s mistakes?  It’s not your fault.  You were a kid...you couldn’t do anything to stop what happened.  It’s better that...things happened the way they did.  I found you after they took you away from him, and we were never separated again, were we?”

“No.” I whisper, trying to keep myself from sobbing.

“You can’t keep punishing yourself, Betsy.  That’s why I said...you should visit him.  Get some closure.”

“I have no desire to visit him.”

“But you’re ready to put your reputation on the line for this guy?  You know if you were caught, you would never work for the state again, right?  That means all the hard work you did in college will be for nothing.”

“I won’t get caught.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.  I caught you.”

“You were bound to.  I was prepared for that.”

“I’m that predictable?”

“You are.”

He just smirks, and looks back up at the sky again.  “You care about him, don’t you?”

“I’m just trying to get him back with his daughter.  Nobody else wants to give him a chance.”

“Betsy, I know you.  You wouldn’t gamble your career for somebody if they didn’t effect you emotionally.”

I don’t say anything for a while.  I can’t, because I know...Carter has a point.  He’s good at that, reaching deep down inside of me and pulling my true emotions to the surface.  Only, I’m not ready to cross that line, admit to myself that I might care more about Justin than I let on.  “He’s not like the other low lives I usually deal with.  He just...got lost, you know?  I can’t just write a bunch of derogatory stuff in his file and be fine when they rip his kid away from him.  He deserves better than that.”

“He’s a drug addict.”

“Not anymore.”

“And how do you know he won’t go back to the drugs once you make everything right for him again?  How do you know his kid isn’t better off with an adoptive family?  Look at us, Betsy.  What would our lives have been like if dad hadn’t signed us over to the state? If Gloria and Alex hadn’t chosen us?”

“I just...know, that Justin and his daughter belong together.”

“Like you used to tell me you knew about Dad...every time he would...”

“Just stop it, Carter!”

“It’s the truth,” he sighs.  “You know it.  It’s like you’re living the life you wish you could have had, through that kid and her father.  It’s like your ungrateful for everything mom and dad did for us, without a second thought, the minute they adopted us.”

“I’m not...Carter...”
r32;“Well that’s how I’m perceiving it.” His voice is low and sad, like it used to be all those years ago, when we were just kids and didn’t have a clue how our lives would be when we grew up.  “You’re not thankful for the life that you have, Betsy.  You just...wish so hard that dad could have been different, that you could have hid from DCF instead of letting them see how he was forcing you to live.”

“You left.  Things weren’t as bad as you...you thought.”

It’s a lie.  I know it is, and I hate myself for still trying to defend my father when I have so much resentment for him at the same time.  Things at home weren’t good.  They were bad, disgusting, not a good place for two kids to be growing up, but I couldn’t see that, because I loved my father too much and wanted to protect him.

But I couldn’t.

“God, Bets, do you think I wanted to leave?  I didn’t, but I couldn’t be in that house anymore.  I couldn’t continue to be beaten every time dad would get high.   When I couldn’t convince you to come with me, I had to do what I knew was best for me, and when I was finally settled, I told them about you and they went looking.  When they took you away, I think dad finally realized that he couldn’t take care of us anymore, and so he gave us up to the state.  It was a good decision, the best thing he ever did for us.  I think I’m the only one who realizes that, and hell, maybe that’s why I can talk to him now and you still can’t.  You see it as he abandoned us, when all he really did was give us a chance at a future.”

“He could have...he could have tried to get himself clean.  Instead he just...he gave up.  He did abandon us.”

I’m sobbing, but Carter doesn’t say anything about it.  He knows I need to do it, especially right now.  
“Oh Bets,” Carter sighs.  

I shake my head roughly and put my face in my hands, sobbing more harshly into them.  I feel like a failure, like an idiot, for doing all this, and showing my brother how unstable I really am.

“I’m not mad at you.”

His arms are around me, and when I feel him pull me closer to his chest, I don’t hesitate to wrap my arms around him, and just cry.  The kids are oblivious, I’m pretty sure, because I can still hear them happily playing in the water together, and that’s a good thing.  I don’t really feel like explaining myself to them too.

“What’s it going to take to get this Justin guy back on his feet?”

I pull away from him slightly, stare at him for a few moments, in absolute shock, because it sounds like my brother is actually...on my side.  “He has to have three weeks bed rest.  Then he can get a walking cast.  After that I was going to start trying to get him into a government funded apartment while he looks for a job.  But...before he can look for a job he needs to pass his GED exam.”  I shake my head a little.  “He’s not too confident about it.”

Carter nods slightly and his brow furrows as he begins think hard about something.  “Well...if he can pass the GED course, and agrees to take a drug test every month, I might be willing to give him a shot at the bank, as a teller.”

My feel my eyes go wide.  “Are you serious?  Carter...”

“I said might.” He doesn’t smile.  “I’d have to talk to my boss about hiring somebody who has a record.  I could get into serious shit otherwise.”

“Why would you do him a favor like that?”

He laughs a little.  “Because if you’re willing to do all this for him, he must be a decent guy.”

I press my lips together and look down at my lap for a moment.  “He is decent.”

“What about Preston?”

“What about him?”

“Well, I doubt he’d be happy about this.”

I shrug.  “He should have thought about that before he cheated on me.”

Carter sits up slightly.  “Are you sure?”

“I called...some girl answered the phone, said he was in the shower.  What am I supposed to think?”

“I can break his legs for you,” Carter smiles.

“Thanks.  But I’ll deal with him when he comes home.”

Carter just nods, and folds his hands behind his head so he can go back to relaxing.  That’s my brother...knows when he should back off, and right now, Preston isn’t a topic I want to discuss.  “Thanks, Carter.”

“Bring him to the house for dinner tomorrow night,” he tells me.  “I want to get to know him a little bit before we move forward with any of this.”

“Oh...I...”

“Those are my terms, Betsy.  Otherwise, just forget I said anything.”

Honestly, I have no idea if Justin will be comfortable with the idea of spending an evening with my brother, his kids, and his nosey wife.  But if it means having a chance at securing a job, I know he doesn’t have a choice.  “I’ll get him there.”

“We’ll see.”

If nothing else, it makes me that much more determined to drag Justin to my brothers house.  I know this is his chance, probably his only chance, at landing a decent job in time for his court date.

And nothing is going to stand in the way of that as long as I’m around.

We spend a few more hours at the pool like that, dozing off in our lounge chairs while his kids play.  Then his wife calls to say she’s on her way home, so Carter gathers up his kids and sends them inside ahead of us to change, before putting his hands on my shoulders and guiding me into the house.

“So what are you going to tell Marilyn about my dinner guest?”

He smirks.  “I’ll tell her that he’s a co-worker of yours from DCF.”

I gasp.  “What if she starts asking him questions?”

He yanks his bright orange shirt over his head.  “Something tells me he’ll know enough to answer them.”

He’s probably right.  

“Lucas! Ashley! Bus is leaving!” He calls out, and a moment later, they come running.

“That man fell asleep in your bed, Aunt Betsy,” My nephew tells me with a curious expression.  

“It’s fine, Luke.”  I ruffle his hair and tickle him a little bit, causing him to forget all about my house guest.  “I’ll see you tomorrow night at supper, okay?”

“Okay.”

I kiss his cheek and he runs out the door after his sister, leaving Carter and I standing there together.

“I’m glad they have what we didn’t have,” I say gently.

Carter nods slightly, pressing his lips together I assume to hide how emotional I’ve just made him.  “Me too.”  He leans in and kisses my cheek.  “I’ll see you both tomorrow night and...not saying it will happen, but if anything goes wrong, you know you can call me right?”r32;
I roll my eyes and guide him to the door.  “Yes, Carter.”

“I swear, I’m a lot quicker than 911 would be.”

“Night, Carter.”

“Night.”

I close the door on him gently, and when I hear his car turn over a couple of minutes later, I know I’m finally done with him for the night.  Thank goodness, but...I guess it was good that I let my brother in on my dirty little secret.  He’s the only one I can trust, after all, and now Justin has a chance at a job because of his little visit.

I make my way down to his designated bedroom, just to check on him.  If he’s really passed out cold like Lucas said, I might get to work on some of the paperwork resting on my desk for a while before he starts asking me about dinner.  I open the door a crack, see him laying there, passed out like he hasn’t slept so well in a very long time.

And I guess he hasn’t.

I can’t avoid stepping all the way into the room, and sitting on the edge of the bed.  I stare down at him, sleeping so peacefully, knowing that when he wakes up his world will be filled with more problems than most people have in a lifetime.  It’s really not fair, and I want to do whatever I have to, so he’ll be okay.  But with my boss riding my ass about getting his daughter adopted, I’m still so confused about the best way to go about all of this.

“No! Ava!” Justin hollers it out as he jolts awake, breathing harshly, sweating out of every pour.  “Where is she!” He yells, still half in a daze.  “Where!”

“Justin...it’s...you were dreaming,” I say gently, reaching out to touch his face so I can calm him down.  “You’re okay...Ava is okay too.”

He lets out a long breath, and sobs slightly before getting himself together enough to lean back against his pillows.  “They were...they were taking her away again.”

I nod.  “Are...are you okay?”

He rubs his face harshly for a few moments.  “I’ll be fine.”

“Hungry?”r32;

He shakes his head roughly.

“I’ll just...check in later then,” I whisper and quickly get up from the bed.

“What happened to your brother?”r32;

I stop at the doorway and finally look back at him.  He’s calmer now, hiding all evidence that he had a nightmare.  “He went home a few minutes ago.”

“Well...what did he say?”

I smile a little.  “He...wants me to bring you to his house for dinner tomorrow night.”

His eyes narrow.  “Why?”

“He believed me when I told him you were a decent guy.  Carter...he’s the branch manager at a bank in Santa Monica, and he said that he might be able to get you a job, if you play your cards right.”

Justin, naturally, perks up at this news.  “You’re serious?”

“Yeah, that’s why he wants me to bring you to dinner.  He wants to talk to you.”

“Why the fuck would he want to give me a job?”

I have to laugh.  Justin is overwhelmed right now, and so, I’ll take his profanity in stride.  “Because he’s my brother.”

“So?”

“We’re close,” I tell him.  “He’s like my best friend.  I told him about you, and he understands.  He wants to help you, too.  But Justin, you have to play your part.  You have to pass that test.”

He shrugs.  “What if I can’t?”

“Why do you think you can’t pass?”

“I’m just not good at tests.”

“Well I can try to help you, you know.  All you have to do is ask for help, Justin.”

He smirks softly, and gazes down at the bedding.  “I’m not good at that either.”

“I figured that out a while ago.  But you know...it’ll only make it easier for you to be with Ava.”

“I know. I just...I have trouble with things like this.  I don’t know if I can pass, whether or not you help me.”

I sigh harshly and put my hands on my hips.  “Well, why the hell not, Justin?  You’re smarter than you think, you know?”

He shakes his head.  “You don’t get it.”

“Oh I get it.”  I storm back over to the bed, pull the GED workbook off the nightstand and toss it into his lap.  “I get that you have no faith in yourself, so you just give up.”  I open the book up to the first page...Chapter One, Reading Comprehension.  “There, chapter one is a breeze.  You read the passages and then answer the questions on the next page.”

He slaps the book closed.  “Just...forget it, Collins.”

“I’m not letting you give up!” I open the book back up again, angrily.  “Read it, Justin.”

He doesn’t.  Instead, he picks up the book and throws it clear across the room.  It hits the wall with a loud ‘whap’ and then falls pathetically to the floor.  I just stare at him, amazed at the way he’s acting.  “Are you kidding me?”

“I can’t fucking read it!” He yells.

“Stop saying that!”

“You don’t get it! I can hardly read at all...I...I’ve never been able to.”

For a few minutes, I just stare at him, shocked and angry at myself at the same time.  “Oh...”

“I can’t pass a test that I can’t read, Collins.  That’s why I never tried to take it before, and now that I really need to...it’s like, hopeless.  I can’t learn to read properly in the amount of time I have left.  You might as well turn me in to Social Services now so they can revoke my parental rights.”

“Listen to me,” I say to him seriously, bringing my face close to his.  He sucks in his bottom lip as he stares back at me, his piercing blue eyes filled with confusion and anger.  “I don’t care what you say, or...what you think you can’t do.  There’s no options here, no time to be afraid.  This is for Ava, and you have to overcome this thing.  I’ll do whatever I have to do to make that happen.  I’m going to help you.”

A tear escapes his eye and glides down his face, as he slowly leans back into the pillows.  “You care that much?”

“Yeah.  I guess I do.”

He just nods.  “Trace told me not to trust you.”

“I’m not surprised.”

“Yeah, but the thing is, I think I’ve always trusted you, and I don’t understand why.  Now...you’re doing all of this for me.  Practically sacrificing yourself for me like you’re my guardian angel or something.”

I laugh.  “It’s not really that serious.”

“It is,” he says quickly.  “I mean, I just can’t understand why somebody like you would want to help me, put their job on the line for me.  My own mother won’t speak to me, thinks I’m a low life piece of shit, and most people would agree with her.  Why should you be any different?”

I wish I could tell him everything...about my father, about my childhood and the things Carter and I were put through, but there’s a part of me that still doesn’t want to give into him.  I still want to shield myself from reliving all of that pain, and I think it’s the biggest reason why I never discussed any of it with Preston.  “I’m just trying to do the right thing.”

“I think it’s more than that.  I think...this is personal.”

“That’s ridiculous.” I try to laugh, but find that I can’t.  “I can’t help you out?”

“Helping me out would be you being laid back during Saturday visits with Ava, and putting good notes in my file.  This is way beyond that.  It’s not in your job description to care about me, or that I’m trying to get Ava back, and it’s certainly not in your job description to give me a place to stay while I’m laid up in bed.”

“I’m not like the rest of the people I work with, Justin.”

“I guess that’s supposed to make me feel better, but what happens when it backfires, Collins? What happens when you have to do your job?  Tell your bosses the truth?  Where does that leave me?”

“I told you that I have it covered.”

He shakes his head.  “I dont’ know if I can trust that.  There’s too much risk.”

“Do you have a better idea then?  I mean, Jesus...I took you up here and got you settled in.  You're comfortable, you’ll recover fine.  Sure, my brother came up here unexpected, but he wants to help you.  Don’t get scared off because you have to start working a little bit harder.  I know that’s how you are too.  Something gets hard and you cave right in...”r32;

“You don’t know shit about me.” He says, roughly pointing his finger at me.  “Don’t pretend like you do.”

“I know you, Justin,” I say, bitterly.  “Your life got hard, so you turned to drugs to make it all go away, only...you didn’t count on having a daughter, and once you did, you still didn’t care enough about her to get clean...”

“Fuck you,” he whimpers.  “Go to hell.”

I cross my arms, and smirk.  “Now you have this great opportunity to get a second chance with her, and the second things get a little hard, you start to give up.  Great example for Ava...maybe she is better off without you.”

“Get out!” He yells, and throws a pillow at me.  “Get the fuck away from me!”

I walk out, slam the door behind me.  I can hear him cursing loudly to himself, but I keep walking.  The tears glide down my face, because I feel so defeated, so foolish.  He was on the brink of opening up to me, and I just...I couldn’t talk to him about my past.  I was afraid, and so...I said the wrong things.

Shit.

I walk into the kitchen and take a seat at the breakfast bar, putting my head down on the cool granite as I silently cry to myself.

Then my phone rings, and I almost consider ignoring it, before I realize it could be my boss, and no...I can’t miss her call.  I quickly sniff back my tears, and compose myself, before answering.  “Betsy--Betsy Collins.”

“Hey Bets.”

Fucking Preston.  Of course he would call now.  I lean my forehead against my hand.  “Hey.”

“You okay?”

“Fine.”

He’s silent for a few moments, and I know he can tell that I’m less than thrilled to be hearing from him.  “Betsy, look...I know you called the other day.  That woman who answered...she’s my client’s fiance.  We were about to go to dinner.”

“How long did it take you to think up that story?” I say, letting a sniffle escape me.  

“....It’s not a story.”

“I think you’re full of it, Preston.”

“Betsy, what the hell has gotten into you?  Damn it, I’m not lying to you...I wouldn’t...you know I wouldn’t...I couldn’t do that.”

“Then why the fuck haven’t you been calling me?”  

I’m sobbing on the phone with him, and I hate myself for it.  I hate letting him see me when I’m weak, because that’s not the kind of girl Preston fell in love with.  I never, ever cry in front of him, or over the phone with him, and the only reason I am, is because of Justin.

But why should I care if he’s angry at me or not?

“Baby...I’m working the case of my career.  I thought you understood.  You said you did.  You said that you wouldn’t let it effect us.”

“You hung up on me the other day.  I couldn’t even tell you I loved you.  Then I call you a few nights later, and some slut answers the phone.”

“She’s my clients fiance!”

“How the hell was I supposed to know! She said you were in the shower, Preston.  Do you even know how that fucking sounds to me? I’m thousands of miles away!”

He sighs heavily.  “I’m sorry, baby.  Look, I am.  I’m fucking sorry, Betsy.  I’ve been too wrapped up in this, and I should have made time to talk to you.”

I eye the sparkling diamond on my finger, cradle the phone in-between my neck and shoulder, and start to twist it around my finger, contemplating pulling it off.  “Maybe we shouldn’t...”r32;

“Please don’t say it,” he interrupts.  “Please.”

I’m silent.

“I’ll be on the first flight I can get out of O’Hare next Friday night,” he says, somberly.  “You have my word, and we’ll figure this out, all right?”

Fucking damn it.  “Don’t bother.”

“I’m marrying you,” he says desperately.  “I’m fucking telling you the truth.”

He’s saying it like he’s head over heels in love with me.

Like he’s the Preston I fell in love with.

“Baby I love you,” he continues.  “I’m in love with you and there’s nobody else.  There never will be.  Please dont...I just...I couldn’t handle losing you.”

Shit.  

This couldn’t be a man that cheated on me.  Maybe...maybe he isn’t lying.

Oh God.

“Preston...”

“Just say you’ll be there when I get home.”

I whimper slightly, forgetting about Justin, only focusing on Preston for the time being.  “Of course I’ll be here.”

“I gotta go,” he says after a moment, as if it’s the last thing he wants to do.  “There’s a bunch of people waiting for me in the hotel lobby and I have to make an appearance at dinner.  Can I call you later tonight?”

I sniffle again.  “Will you call me?”

“I promise you that I will.”

“Then I’ll talk to you tonight,” I whisper.  “Have a good dinner.”

“I will.  I love you, Betsy.”

“I love you too.”

“Bye.”

I put the phone down on the countertop, and rub my temples, trying to make sense of it.  Is Preston telling the truth? He’d have to be, because I know him too well.  There’s only a couple of things that could make him panic, and the possibility of losing me has always been one of them.  I know Preston doesn’t like to take risks when it comes to me, and so...why would I ever think he would go and have cheap sex with some stranger?  I guess I just thought he had forgotten about me, didn’t care.

But he does care about me, that’s obvious.

So what the hell am I supposed to do when he gets off that plane?  Justin won’t be in any condition to leave, but he can’t be here when Preston comes home.

I guess I’ve dug myself a nice, deep hole, and I have no idea how I’m going to get out of it.