Aside from the sock puppets, and the strange clown who kept sounding out the words while I followed along in the reading workbook, it was actually a helpful learning video.  Of course it was for kids, but Collins did what she could, and for that I was thankful.  Once I ran through the video and the work book a few times, I went back to my GED manual, and found that I could read a little bit better.  I’ll keep at it I guess.  Trace can’t come here everyday, and Collins has to work.  

For the first time, I find that I’m able to help myself, and I guess...if it hadn’t been for Collins, I wouldn’t have had a chance in hell.  I’m so thankful for her, more than she knows.  Now with her brother breathing down my neck, of course I can’t be as open or close with her, but I don’t think we were ever meant to be as close as we were getting.  She came into my life for a reason, and once I get Ava back, we’ll both go our separate ways, and I don’t want that to cause her any pain.  It’s only right that I back off.

It’s sad, but at the same time, I know it’s for the best.

Tonight, I’m attempting another incredible feat...cooking dinner.  I can’t remember ever putting together a dinner from scratch before.  Usually I eat something out of a can, or something that can be microwaved.  On my journey around the house today to stretch out my muscles, I came across a collection of cookbooks in the corner of the kitchen counter.  Collins is really into Rachael Ray it seems.  She has about six books by her, but that was good for me, because the print is large, making it easier for me to sound out the words, and it doesn’t take a top chef to put together her recipes.  I picked beef tacos, because all the stuff was in the fridge and the pantry.  I’m broke, so it’s not like I could order her a gift to thank her for everything she’s doing, and I figured making her dinner after a long day at the office would be a nice gesture.

The food is coming along, surprisingly enough.  I haven’t burned the house down, and I’ve only spilled a couple of things on the counter.  Being on crutches has taught me to be a circus side show of sorts.  I can balance myself on one foot better than anybody I know, and I’ve been contemplating putting together a sidewalk show just to see how many people will throw coins in my bucket.  

Seriously, I could so use the extra cash right now.

Around one in the afternoon, the doorbell rang.  I was really hesitant to answer, but after peering out the window for several moments I realized it was just some delivery, and so I signed for it.  It turned out to be a fancy vase filled with two dozen roses.  I put it on the kitchen counter and made sure they had fresh water, before reading the enclosed card.  They were from Preston, as I figured they were.  He wrote this sappy message to Collins about love being patient and kind or some bullshit.  

He probably copied it out of a book, that candy ass.

Still, I won’t say anything.  She loves him, and that’s the end of it...even though she could do a hell of a lot better.

The beef finishes cooking, and I fix the tacos up on two plates, making sure to arrange them nicely along with the rice that I cooked up to go on the side.  I manage to get everything over to the dining room table without dropping it, and set up the silverware, place mats and napkins I found in the hutch against the wall.  I go back and fill a pitcher with some water, and place it on the table with some wine glasses.  For a final touch, I light a couple of candlesticks, and lean back on my crutches once I’m done.  I smile like a fool because I’m so impressed with myself...I’ve never done anything like this before.

It feels...good, even more because I did it for Betsy.

Maybe I should start calling her that more often.

Twenty minutes later I hear the front door slowly open and shut again, and I shift slightly from my place on the couch to spot Betsy walking into the house.  She looks completely worn out, but I’m sure her days at work aren’t the easiest.  “Hey, Betsy.”
r32;She stops, stares at me for a few moments.  She seems almost lost, dazed...and I don’t get it.  “Hey,” she clears her throat a little.  “How...how was your day?”

I pull myself up on my crutches again and make my way over to her.  “Pretty good.  That video is a little scary with all the puppets, but it helped a lot.”  I smile, but when she won’t return it, when she won’t even look at me, I know something is bothering her.  “You okay?”

She nods a little.  “Did you cook or something?”

“Well, I thought I would make dinner.”

She stares at me, bewildered.  “Y-you made dinner?”

“For you.”

“Oh...”  

She walks away from me quickly, but I manage to follow her into the kitchen.  She’s spotted the flowers, and gives the card attached a quick look before shoving it roughly back into the bouquet.

“Preston’s a romantic I guess,” I laugh.  

But she doesn’t say a word.

“Betsy?”

She finally turns around about five minutes later.  Her eyes are glossy, like she’s practically crying, but I don’t know whether it’s my place to get into whatever is going on with her.  Carter wants me to back off, for her own good but...but I can’t stand to see her so defeated.  “You want to talk?”

“Where’s dinner?” She says, forcing her emotions back and smiling for me like everything is perfect.

I narrow my eyes at her.

“Where is it, Justin?”

“Dining room.”

“Well, lets go eat before it gets cold, okay?”

“Sure.”

I watch her walk away from me for a few moments, trying to figure out what the problem is, but I ultimately determine I’m not going to be able to.  Betsy is a closed book, just like I can be, and when she wants to keep something to herself, she succeeds.  With a sigh, I decide to join her at the table, figuring she’ll enjoy my company, even if she doesn’t want to talk to me about her day.

“I can’t believe you did all this.”

She’s standing in the middle of the room when I finally make my way there, surveying the table like she’s never seen anything like it before.  “I just wanted you to come home to a nice dinner,” I say softly, coming up behind her.  “There’s not much else I can really do for you, Betsy...but, I wanted to thank you somehow.”

She turns to me, shaking her head gently.  “You shouldn’t have.  You...you don’t need to thank me.”

“You went out on a limb for me.  You’ve been doing it since day one, Betsy, and while I don’t really get it...I want you to know I appreciate it.  When I have everything in order again, and Ava and I have a normal life together, I’ll always remember it was because of you.”

She only nods, and quietly takes a seat at the table a few moments later.  I eventually do the same, propping my crutches against the wall before hopping over to a chair and sitting down.

“They’re Rachael Ray tacos,” I tell her, as she sits there, pushing her rice around the plate with her fork.  “The print in those cookbooks of hers is really big...easy to read, you know? It took awhile but I gathered all the ingredients up and cooked it just like the book said to.”

She seems to force herself to take a bite.  “It’s really good, Justin,” she says after she chews and swallows.  “I’m impressed.”

I begin to eat too, but then...I see that she’s gone back to pushing her food around, leaning her head against her knuckles, and I just can’t take it anymore.  “Are you gonna tell me what the hell is going on with you?”

She drops her fork and eyes me seriously.  “Eat.”

I sit back and laugh at her bitterly.  “I can’t eat.  You’re confusing the shit out of me.”

She shrugs.  “It’s better if you have a full stomach.”

“For what?”

“Just eat.”

I push my plate away harshly.  “Damn it Collins...”

“Just give me an hour of peace!” She yells.  “Fuck! I don’t want to dive into more misery just yet, is that okay with you?”

“What...”
r32;But she just starts to sob, right there at the table, and shit, I have no idea what to think.  I’ve never seen her do this before.  It’s always been calm, resourceful, brilliant Betsy Collins.  Never the weak one, like Carter told me about.  It’s obvious something went down today, and I have a sick feeling...like I dont’ really want to know the truth.

But I can’t just let her sit here and cry.

“Betsy.”

It’s useless.  She’s too far gone, sobbing so hard that I know she can’t hear me.  I do the only thing that comes to mind, pull my crutches over and get myself up on my good leg again, managing to hobble over to her.  I put a consoling hand on her shoulder, and lean down the best I can so I can be close to her ear.  “It’s gonna be okay.  Look...nothing can be as bad as you think...you know? Look at me.  I mean...”

“Justin this isn’t a joke!”

I back off immediately, staring at her as she looks at me, the tears streaming down her face, her eyes filled with a type of hopelessness I’ve seen in my own from time to time.  “What is it?  Is it Preston?”

“No.”  Her shoulders sag.  She finally seems to give up, and pulls something out of the inside of her blazer, tossing it on the table like she’s had it, like there’s no other choice.  It’s a blue paper, folded neatly into thirds, and I don’t know what to think.

But I know it’s bad.

I lean forward and pick it up, knowing the words are going to take me a little while to sound out and understand, but I’ll try my best, because Collins is in no condition to read it out loud.  I unfold the page, and scan the words, trying my best to make sense of them.  I see my daughters name, a date that I need to appear in court.  Next week.  “What does this mean?”

“It’s a hearing,” she says, sniffling.  “The Baxters are trying to get temporary custody of Ava while your six months is still in effect.  If they win, they’ll fight for full adoption rights at the custody hearing.”

I feel my heart hit the bottom of my stomach.  “Well, you can stop it can’t you?”

She presses her lips together.  “There’s nothing I can do.”

“What...” I trail off and laugh.  “Come on, that’s not true...”r32;

“Look.” She allows her eyes to meet mine again.  “It’s my job.”

“I thought you didn’t care about your job when it comes to Ava and me?”

“I was wrong.  I can’t...I can’t be on your side in that courtroom, Justin.  My boss is depending on me to work the case, and the Baxters...they hired Preston’s father to be their attorney, and he’s expecting me...”

“So that’s what this is about?”  I say darkly.  “You need to be on DCF’s side to suck up to your fucking father in law?”

She looks down at her lap.  “I’ve done everything I could do for you, Justin.  It just wasn’t enough.  There’s things you don’t understand...”

“I understand.  I fucking understand that you were probably plotting to get me cornered all along...fuck....I...I trusted you.  You told me my daughter would be back with me as long as I passed the GED and got a job.  I’m practically there!  I’m fucking....weeks away from getting it all together! How can you let this happen? Now?”

“I’m sorry.”

“You’re sorry?  They’re going to take Ava!  I’ll never seen her again!”

“You need to get yourself a lawyer, Justin.”

“You know I can’t afford that.  You’ve known that all along!  What about the bank? Is that another bullshit scheme? Did you get your brother in on it with you?  I bet he was going to make it look like I couldn’t pass a drug test so I’d get thrown in jail and lose everything, right?”

“Carter has nothing to do with this.  He wants you to have that job. It’s the state, Justin...DCF.  They’re heartless, and they only see things like they want to see them.  I’m...I’m sorry I have to be the one to tell you all of this, but just...please try to get some kind of council.”r32;

“Before next Wednesday?  Have you lost your damn mind, Betsy?”

“I don’t know what you want me to say!” She begins to sob again.  “I...damn it, Justin.  I care about you! I care about you so much, but there’s nothing I can do to stop any of this from happening! I know you hate me! I know!  I wish I could change how things are, but I can’t.  I have to work the case.”

“You care about me but you have to work against me,” I whisper.  “I’m just supposed to miraculously understand all that, huh?  Just let you snatch my daughter out from under me like it doesn’t even matter.  I’ve been killing myself to get her back.”

She hangs her head sorrowfully.  

“I’ll pack tonight and figure out what I’m doing in the morning.  You know, Carter told me not to get close to you,” I say, bitterly.  “Now I guess I know why.”

I start hobbling away from her, trying my best not to break down, and trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do, where the hell I’m going to go.  It’s like a big fucking circle.  I’m back to the same place I was before I got jumped in that alley.  I’m fucking scared.  I have no idea what’s going to happen to me, or what lies in store for my daughter...

“Justin.”

My hand is on the doorknob when I hear her behind me, but I don’t look back.  I can’t.  It’s too painful.  I should have listened to Trace, shouldn’t have let my emotions take over.  I should have known better.

“Justin...wait okay?”

“Get the hell away from me, Collins.”  I make my way over to the bed, and toss the crutches aside, not being able to help but notice her standing there, her face still stained with tears.  But I don’t care.  I don’t care if she’s sad, because my life has just been fucked again, not hers.  She knows nothing of what it’s like to suffer every day, blame yourself for ruining your kids future, constantly wondering if you’ll go back on the drugs just to get away from fucking problem after problem.  Even now, I wish I had a hit.  Just one hit, to make this all seem nonexistent for a while.

But I won’t do it.  I owe myself more than that.

“It’s my boss,” she continues, even though I’m doing my best to pretend she’s not there.  “She...she knows what’s been going on...she had me followed.  She knows everything, and she told me if I don’t work the case like she wants, she’ll find a way to put you back in prison...for good.  I’m trying to protect you.”

“That’s horse shit.”

“I’m not lying to you!”

I finally look at her again, and by the stern, determined look on her face I can tell that...she might be telling the truth.  But it’s crazy.  So what if her boss knows I’m staying here? How could that land me in jail?  “She’s feeding you a bunch of shit then.”

“She’s the head of Child Protective Services, Justin.  Her resources are unlimited.  She could find a way to put you back in jail if she really wanted to.”

It’s silent for a long time.  I’m still trying to get over the shock of it, of Collins, trying to figure out if she’s being honest with me or not.  But really, when has she ever lied to me before? She was trying to before, in the dining room, but now she knows that it was a bad idea.  I look at her again, but this time, I see my friend standing there and not my enemy.  “So what happens now?”

She sighs and slowly makes her way over so she can sit next to me on the bed.  “I don’t know.  I just...I don’t want anything to happen to you.  I couldn’t live with myself.”

“I don’t want Ava getting handed over to those people.  I won’t let it happen.  I’ll go over to the center and take her away myself.”

“And they’ll find you and arrest you.”

I run my hands through my hair and rub my face harshly.  “Please help me Betsy.  I don’t know what the fuck to do.  I can’t do this without you.”

This time it’s me who’s in tears, but she doesn’t say anything about it.  She only puts her hand in mine, and squeezes, while putting her other hand on my face, caressing it gently.  I stare back into those eyes of hers, the ones I’ve come to know so well.  I’ve put my faith in them...in her, because she’s the only woman who’s ever seemed to care about me, put her own life on hold, just to make sure I was taken care of.  She’s selfless...and I guess I care about her a lot.  More than I let on, even to myself.  

“I don’t want you to do it without me,” she whispers.  “I’ll...I’ll figure out something.  Carter might know somebody.  I just can’t let my boss find out or...I don’t want to think about what she might do.”

I nod slightly.  “I’m sorry...I...”

“Sh.”  She presses a finger to my lips and gives me a sad little smile.  “It doesn’t matter.”

I don’t know what else to do, except hug her and let her know how much everything she’s doing means to me.  We hold each other for a long time, and at some points, we’re both crying, trying our best to get each other through this somehow.  Then we break apart and stare at each other, lost in each other eyes and emotions.  Then something kind of snaps inside of me.  Like a barrier falling apart, allowing a part of myself that’s been hidden away for so long to escape.  “Can I kiss you.” I feel the words float off of my tongue, like a dream, and I know I mean them.

“I...”  She smoothes her thumb over my cheek, reaches up with her other hand and runs it over the back of my neck.  “Yes.”

I don’t think, just let the adrenaline propel me forward.  Then my lips land on hers, and it’s like...this indescribable high.  It’s not something you could achieve, even with the most powerful narcotic on the planet.  No, this is raw, true emotion, ripping through our bodies, finally giving in to the subtle temptations that have always been there since the day we laid eyes on each other.

And I know I’ve lost Carter’s game, but it’s not because of Betsy.

It’s because of me.

Because I know that I’ve fallen in love with her.

“Justin.” She pulls back from me suddenly, her eyes wide, as if she’s committed some kind of criminal act.  “I...we can’t...”

“Let me,” I say desperately.

She doesn’t hesitate, just slams her lips into mine, pulling me into a long, deep kiss.  She can’t seem to stop herself after that.

And I can’t either.