Maybe it was dinner that put me over the top.  The fact that Justin made an effort with my Rachael Ray cookbooks, even though his leg was in a cast, was absolutely over the top for somebody like him.  That rough side of him, that outcasted part of his soul, is slowly bouncing back.  He’s learning how to live...how to care about somebody all over again.  

It’s just unfortunate that the somebody has to be me.  Carter warned me of course, but I didn’t listen.  I haven’t figured out if this is going to turn into a big mess or not.  I may be engaged, but at this point, I have no idea what the status of my relationship with Preston is.  Even if he didn’t cheat on me, it’s more than obvious that he’s changed from the guy I used to know...and maybe, I’ve changed a lot too, become a lot stronger than the vulnerable girl that was swept off her feet by him on the first try.

Oh yeah, and I guess...I’ve cheated on him now to top it off.  It doesn’t feel that way though.  It feels like I did the right thing, and I can’t understand why.

Being in his arms is bliss, even though it’s so damn sinful at the same time.  I’ve watched him sleep before, but never like this.  His lips are curved upward in a small smile, as he dreams of me, of what we’ve done, and I know he’s never been more at peace than he is right now.  It was all so fast, a damn whirlwind.  One second we were kissing and the next...my clothes were coming off, piece by piece, as his kisses traveled from my lips, down to my neck, finally resting on my shoulder.  I was down to my bra and panties before I reached up and pulled his shirt over his head.  Then it was done, and I guess we both knew there was no sense turning back.  I managed to get his jeans off, being careful not to pull too hard on his bad leg.  The boxers were easier, sliding right off of him.  When I straddled him he unhooked my bra and flung it off as he kissed me harshly, begging me for sex.

And so I gave it to him.

I don’t know how many times we did it.  Justin only stopped because he was completely worn out, and said his leg was aching.  It got me to laugh, kiss his head gently, and tell him to relax.  He pulled me into his arms, right up against his chest, and brushed his lips over my forehead and hair before closing his eyes.  His heart was racing, throbbing against me, and I knew the adrenaline was far from out of him.  There would be more to come later, I was sure.

But as I’m lying here now, collecting myself, I know this can’t last, and that Justin is smart enough to know that too.

It’s been hours.  I passed out for a while, woke up a few minutes ago.  As I glance out the bedroom window, I can see the sun start to peek up over the Hollywood Hills, and I know I’ll have to get up and start my day all too soon.  I’d rather not.  I’d rather call my life off today and lay in Justin’s arms instead...only, that can’t be.

Because we can’t be.

Justin’s eyes slide open a crack, and when he finds me staring back at him, a tired smile takes over his expression.  “Is it mornin’?”

“Almost,” I smirk.

He kisses me gently.  “Did you sleep?”

“Some.”

He stares at me for a long moment, his eyes fully open now, and rubs his thumb across my cheek, smiling at something only he can understand.  “We can’t do this again, can we?”

I take in a small breath.  “No.”

“I need to find a place to go.  Things might get...weird, otherwise, and with this hearing coming up I have to be at my best.  No offense.”

He’s right.

“I’ll make some calls this week, and push a little harder this time,” I say, not meeting his gaze.  “I...I know it’s the best thing for both of us.”

“Yeah.”

He doesn’t let go of me though, just continues to caress my face and run his hand through my hair as he gazes at me intensely, like he wants to remember this moment forever.  I’ll let him, because I know...I want to do the same thing.

“You’re beautiful, Betsy,” he whispers.  “Inside and out.  I just hope that Preston knows that too.”

“We’ll see,” I say sadly.

“Are you going to go through with it...the wedding?”

“I...I don’t know.”

He presses his lips to my forehead, letting them linger there for several minutes, and I know...it’ll be the last time I feel them against my skin.  “No matter what you decide, just make sure you do it for the right reasons, okay?”

I nod a little, feeling the tears well up behind my eyes.  He finally lets me go after that, shifting over slightly in the bed, because he knows that was it...it’s over.

It’s heartbreaking.

I mean, I thought it would just be a casual thing.  But it’s not that at all.  It’s more, because I feel more, deep down inside of me.  I feel like I’ve known him forever, and we’ve just reconnected.  I don’t want to let go...

But I don’t have a choice.

“Carter told me a little bit about your father,” he says gently, before I can get out of the bed.  

“How much?”

“Just that you feel guilty...about not being there for him, and it’s why you’re hellbent on saving everybody else from the same thing, including me.  Not that I mind...” he trails off and smiles.  “I’d be nowhere without you.  But, you can’t continue to can’t blame yourself, it’s not good for you.  You deserve to put it all behind you and be happy.”

I sigh.  He doesn’t know the half of it, and Carter wouldn’t have told him the full story.  He doesn’t share that part of our lives with anybody besides his wife.  It’s just easier that way, and I feel the same way.  But I guess...these circumstances are a little different, and it’s time that Justin knows my full story, no matter how awkward it will be afterward.  

“He’s a heroin addict.  I mean, he’s clean now, but only because they force him to stay that way.  Our mother died from pregnancy complications.  It pretty much broke dad apart, and he was high most of my life, before the state took us away from him.  Carter got the worst of it.  Dad left me alone, but beat on Carter whenever he was using.  When we were nine he decided he couldn’t take it anymore, so he ran away.  When he got picked up by the cops, he got placed in DCF’s care, and sent them after me next.  I was so young, I couldn’t understand how dangerous it was to be living with my father.  All I kept thinking was it was my fault he got arrested that day, and...when he signed Carter and I over to the state, I was convinced that he abandoned us because of me.  We were adopted by great people a couple of years later.  They’re the best parents Carter and I could have asked for but...there’s a part of me that wishes I could have been raised by my real father.  You understand.”

“I do,” he says it seriously, before reaching out and caressing my face again, his eyes full of understanding, and sadness.  “So where is he now?”

“At a rehab center in Bakersfield.  It’s about two hours away.  Carter goes up to visit once a month, but...I won’t.  I haven’t seen him since I was about eleven.”

“Maybe you should.  It might be good to get some closure so you won’t try so hard to save the world all the time.  There’s more to life, you know,” he laughs.  “You gotta get out there and live without all that guilt.”

“You sound like Carter.” I smile and roll my eyes.  “I’ll go when I’m ready.”

“Why don’t you take a sick day today and go up there?”

I stare at him, dumbfounded.  I mean, I get why he’s bringing it all up.  Something pretty crazy happened last night, and it’s only logical that he would want to get this all out in the open before our lives start up again.  “I cant...go there.”

“What’s stopping you?”r32;
“I just can’t.”  I try to pull away from him, but he won’t let go.  “Justin...”r32;
“Look, would you want Ava to do that with me...if something happened and I lost her?  What if I went back to the drugs?”

“But you wouldn’t do that...”r32;
“Just say I did,” he pushes.  “Would you want her to resent me for the rest of her life?”

“Well, no...”

“Then you should go up there and talk to the guy, before your life gets so busy and frustrating that you miss your chance.”

“I can’t do it alone, and I love my brother...I do, but I know if I made the trip with him, he’d rag on me the whole time about what I should and shouldn’t say to him.  I haven’t even told Preston the whole story, so asking him to go there with me is out too, because I know I wouldn’t be able to be myself if he was there. I just...if I do visit him, I want to feel completely comfortable.  I don’t want to have to hold back anything.”

“I’d go with you.”

“Why would you come with me?”

“Because I care about you, Betsy.  I’d do anything for you, and you need me to do this.  I know you do.  Consider it pay back part two, without the porn.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“I speak the truth.”

He’s smiling at me genuinely, and I know he’s not playing around.  He really would make that trip up to Bakersfield with me, because he cares that much, and I guess having him by my side would put my mind a lot more at ease.  He wouldn’t pressure me, or make me feel awkward.  We’d probably just talk and joke about stupid crap on the way up there...like two friends going on a road trip.

But can I really face my father after all these years? Am I ready?  Has he really changed for the better like Carter keeps telling me?

There’s only one way to know for sure, and shit...the last place I want to be today is at work, anyway.  I doubt Darcy would make a big issue out of it if I missed, only because of the way she spoke to me yesterday.  For the first time in years I really don’t have an excuse.  I know I should take Justin’s advice and go up there, before it’s too late.

“You’re sure you’re up to going?” I finally ask him.

“What else do I have to do?  I’m halfway to losing my kid, Betsy.  I think I could use a good road trip to clear my mind before the hell starts.”

“Me too.”

He grins.  “Then lets do it.”
********
This rehab facility is a lot nicer than the one I was in, but I know why.  This is for long term patients.  People that feel they are beyond hope...that if they’re left to their own devices they won’t have a choice to go back, to use, because it’s all they know.  It’s an unfortunate, sad existence, and I guess I know how lucky I am.  Lucky, because I can hold my head up high, and know in my heart that drugs are no longer a part of my life.  

Lucky, because I have her by my side, even if it’s only for a little while.

The ride up here was nice.  Betsy and I talked most of the way, trying our best to keep the topics light and stress free.  After last night, I think we both knew we had to, otherwise we would end up in some weird fight about why we can’t be together.  I mean, I know we can’t be.  Our lives are too complicated right now.  Although, if there was even a glint of a chance that a relationship between us would work right now, I know I would ask her to be with me.  I just can’t though.  I can’t handle her telling me no.  Not at this critical stage of my life.

I have to let her go, and that’s a horrible reality to face, but I know we’ll be better off for it.

This is like my farewell to her in a way.  I knew she wouldn’t be able to make this trip with anybody else, and even though she tries to act like she doesn’t care about her father all that much...I can tell she does.  I can see it in her eyes.  Her eyes always give her away, even when she’s trying her best to hide her emotions.  It’s one of the things that drives me crazy about her.

“I think we should leave.”

I look over at her and sigh, before taking her hand and lacing my fingers through hers.  “We aren’t leaving.”

“He’s not even coming out.”

“Betsy, they just went to get him.”

She runs her free hand through her hair, before looking down at our intertwined hands.  “What if he doesn’t want to see me?” she croaks.  “What if...what if he blames me for everything?”

I shake my head slightly.  “He won’t blame you for anything.  I’m sure he’s been waiting a long time, wondering if you hate him or not.  He’ll want to see you and talk to you.”

“What if he doesn’t?”

She’s staring at me, like I’m supposed to have all the answers, like she’s putting every ounce of her faith in me right now.  I don’t think anybody has ever needed me as badly as she does right now, and it only proves to me more why she loves me, and why I love her.  “Then he doesn’t deserve you.”

She leans in next, doing what we promised each other we would stop doing just this morning.  Her lips brush against mine, and I hold her close to me as I kiss her back.  I can’t help it.  I care about her too much to stop.  “Betsy...”  I breathe out, finally.  “We agreed.”

“I know.  I’m...I’m sorry.”  She pulls away from me and wipes her mouth a little.  

I sigh.

“Is that you Betsy?”

We both look up at the same time.  I recognize the man standing before us right away, from the picture in Carter’s living room.  He looks the same, long chestnut hair pulled back in a sloppy pony tale, his baggy jeans and oversized plaid button down shirt hanging off of his frail frame.  He looks like he’s been in recovery mode for years, and I can tell how much the drugs wore him down.   He’s worse off than me, which means he was stoned through the majority of his life.  It’s how I would look if I hadn’t stopped using, and I guess...I should be thankful that I stopped more than anything else.

“Hi,” she says softly.

I let go of her, and urge her to stand up so she can go over to him.

But she’s stiff, frozen in place.  

“You the fella she’s marrying then?” He says, directing his question at me this time.

“Not exactly,” I laugh as I pull myself to my feet with my crutches, and get myself across the room to shake his hand.  “Just a friend.  I’m Justin.”

“Thomas.” He shakes it back and flashes me a golden yellow smile.  “You have a good ride up here?”

“It was decent,” I say softly, and look back over my shoulder.  Betsy still hasn’t gotten up, and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.  He’s not my father, I don’t know the guy at all, and I’m a little uncomfortable.  

“You drag her up here, kicking and screamin’ or somethin’?” He whispers it in my ear.  “Carter’s been trying to get her here for years.”

“I came on my own.”

She’s next to me now, and I sigh with relief.  “Why don’t you guys go have a talk?  I’ll wait for you here.”

She looks at me, her eyes wide, begging me not to.  But the thing is, if I stay, how is she ever going to be able to talk to the guy one on one?  That was the point of the trip.  It wasn’t to get her father and I acquainted, and I have no place in the conversation.  “Go on,” I smirk at her.  “I’ll be right here when you’re done.”

Her father extends his hand to her then, and it takes her a good couple of minutes before she finally accepts it, and they walk away together.  I smile to myself as I take my seat again.  I feel reassured that he’s got his head together enough where they’ll be able to talk, and Betsy will be at peace with herself now.  I know this could change her whole attitude, make her a lot happier, and that’s all I’ve ever really wanted for her.

I pull out my GED workbook again, knowing I’ll be able to get a lot covered in the few hours Betsy is going to be spending here.  I’m okay with that, because I know next week I’ll be so on edge I won’t have time to focus on anything else except Ava.

“Justin...is...is that you?”

I look up from my book slowly, knowing I recognize the voice, but not wanting it to be true at the same time.  When I realize I’m right though, I quickly put my book down and stare at her.  It’s not the same woman I remember, though.  She’s not shot up full of heroin.  Her eyes aren’t sunken into her skull like two deep holes, and those scabs around her mouth aren’t there.  She looks like a person, just like I do.  Even though, she's still frighteningly pale, very frail, like she has no energy at all.

I never thought that this would be the next time we would meet, and I have no idea what to expect.  It’s been years.  Years of resentment towards her, for leaving me all alone with our baby.  I want to be angry, ask her why she couldn’t have stuck around to help.  At the same time though, I know that if she did stick around, we would have just continued to get high together.  Ava would have been taken away no matter what.  “Hey, Deb.”

She draws closer to me, tears glistening in her eyes.  “What...what are you doing here?”

I cross my arms.  “I took a friend to see her father.  What about you?”

“I...I’ve been here for a few months.  Trying to get clean, you know?  They say it’ll probably take a year or so.”

I nod, and look down at the ground.

“How...how is Ava?”

“A ward of the state, at the moment.”

“Oh God, Justin.”

I look up at her quickly.  “You left.  I couldn’t get clean on my own, but at least I tried.  I’m still trying, Deb.  I see her on the weekends, at least...and if luck is on my side, I’ll have her back with me in a couple of months.”

She nods in understanding.  “What happened to your leg?”

“I got into a little trouble.  I’ll be fine.  I get a walking cast, end of next week.”

“Are you clean?”

I huff, and smile.  “It’s been about two years now.”

“Well that’s...that’s really great,” she says, nervously.  “I always hoped you would land on your feet, J.”

“Yeah.”  

She walks over slowly, and takes a seat beside me.  “I’ve actually been trying to get in touch with you for a few months now.  I found your mom’s number a while back but she said that she wasn’t in touch with you anymore.”

“She’d be right.”

“Justin I...there’s something you need to know.”

“Why’d you leave?” I ask her, before she can continue.  “I mean, you just up and left one day.”

“I didn’t want to leave her,” she whimpers.  “But I couldn’t...I couldn’t live like that.  I needed to get my fix, everyday, and I knew the only way to do that was by getting pimped up again.  I’m...so sorry, Justin.  I’m sorry for getting you wrapped up in it.  Maybe you would have been able to get clean sooner if I hadn’t influenced you so much.”

“My addiction was my own fault,” I tell her, because it was something I learned when I first started rehab.  “I just wish that you might have taken a little more responsibility for your daughter.  I went to prison, and I couldn’t find you.  Maybe if I had, Ava wouldn’t have been taken by the state.”

“I couldn’t have taken her,” she says, sorrowfully.  “I was heavy into drugs.  I think...heavier than even you ever were.  It took a lot to make me wake up, and now...I just want to get clean so I can enjoy what I have left.”

“What you have left?”

“Justin...I...I have AIDS.”

I’m silent for a really long time.  I can’t say it surprises me.  Deb was always into sharing, which was something I was never cool with.  Even when I was at my most desperate stage of withdrawal because I hadn’t been able to afford my drugs that week, I refused to put somebody else’s needle in my arm.  I guess I would have rather lived another day, even if I couldn’t have my drugs.  “How long do you have?”

“They’re not sure.  They say I might make it to the end of the year, but the drugs...you know, they messed up my body so much that the disease is killing me quicker than it normally would.  That’s part of the reason I’m here.  They told me that I can stay here and get clean, and they’ll take care of me until...you know.”

I nod, and rub my face with one of my hands.  “Shit.”

“You have to get her back, Justin.”

I look at her suddenly, and for the first time, I see a sense of caring in her eyes.  Of course, she always loved Ava, but the drugs made her numb to her emotions, and she couldn’t care about her like she does now.  “I’m working on it.  I have to pass the GED, and I have a job lined up once that happens.  There’s some people...they want her too, and they have money and an expensive lawyer, not to mention the full support of DCF.  It’s not going to be easy, but I have some support.”

She presses her lips together.  “I...I have somebody that can help you.”

I laugh.  One thing Deb was never good at, was being reliable.  “If it’s one of your so called connections...”r32;

“My life isn’t like that anymore,” she says roughly.

And I know she’s not lying.  “Who?”

“He’s a man I met, before I came here.  We fell in love but, we knew it wasn’t meant to be.  I already knew I was sick, and so...he’s just been there for me ever since.  He’s paid my way in here, and he knows about Ava.  I know he’d be willing to help you get her back...he has money.  You just tell me what you need...”r32;r32;

“I don’t need your fuckin’ charity,” I say darkly.  Sure, she’s sick and I feel horrible just because Ava will never be able to have a relationship with her mother now...but that doesn’t mean I trust her, or that I can warm up to her after all these years.  “I made it this far, I can go the rest of the way.”

“Being your usual stubborn ass self would be fine normally, but this is for Ava.  My God Justin, I’m dying.  At least let me die knowing that she’s going to be taken care of by her father and not a couple of yuppies.  There’s nobody else on this planet that loves that little girl more than you.  I saw it the first time you held her in your arms.  That’s why I left.  I knew she would be safe with you.”

I feel the smirk pulling at my lips.  It’s the Deb I remember meeting for the first time, before I knew what she was like when she was completely stoned.  She was always strong willed when the drugs weren’t fucking with her head, never let anybody stand in her way, and I know right now she’s become that person again.  She only wants what’s best for Ava too, and I know I owe it to Deb, because while I could never be in love with her, nothing will ever change the fact that she gave Ava life.  For that, we’ll always have a bond.  

“I need a decent two bedroom apartment,” I finally say.  “In a good area.  It will have to be furnished, and Ava’s bedroom will have to be perfect.  She’ll need clothes and a few other things too.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

“I just...” I trail off and sigh, before looking her right in the eyes.  “Deb...thank you.”

“Just promise me one thing.”

I shrug.  “Anything.”

“Let me see my baby one last time, before I die.”