I hadn’t stayed at a decent hotel in a really long time. That first day, I enjoyed the full cable TV and the room service, while still making time to study my GED manual, and do some practice tests. It had been hard to concentrate, initially, because all this shit about Deb kept flooding my thoughts, making me feel so guilty that I wanted to quit, go back up to Bakersfield and keep her company instead. I felt like it was all my fault, even though it couldn’t be. I never knew she was on her way out, or that she’d go out into the world and get herself shot up with HIV. I was too high to realize any of it, and the rest of the time, I was trying feed Ava.
I remember...falling asleep, and I didn’t wake up until the next day. I ordered breakfast, and ate it in bed, like a king. I tried to call Trace to keep him updated, but all I got was a voicemail, so I figured I would call him later, or the next day. When I was finished eating, I decided to shower, so I hobbled out of bed, but I banged my bad leg right into the night stand almost instantly, causing me to groan and fall back onto the bed. I sat for a long time, the pain agonizing, before I heard it...a sort of plopping sound, like something had fallen onto the floor. When I looked down...when I looked down it was just there. Like it had fallen from heaven, and I felt that feeling come back. The one I thought I’d turned my back on for good.
But I would never be able to turn my back on it. Not completely. That was what the meetings were for...
But I had skipped that meeting last Tuesday, to go up to Bakersfield, and that meant I was at my most vulnerable.
The clear bag felt soft, silky smooth in my hands, as I stared at the white powder inside of it. It was sick...I could smell the shit right through the bag and it made my mouth water, made my heart race. It was like reuniting with an old friend, and I could feel my body pleading with me, begging me for a hit. I just...I just wanted one taste. One taste wouldn’t hurt. Nobody would have to know. So I went down to the lobby and bought a lighter, before returning to the room, taking my shoelace out of my sneaker, and stealing a spoon from my room service tray. I also managed to fashion a makeshift syringe from a shampoo bottle, and a hollow needle in the sewing kit I found in the bathroom...an old trick of mine to get around using dirty needles.
I was all set.
It was only when I started to get it all set up on the dresser that something else kicked in. It was logic, and it asked me, ‘how the hell did a big ass bag of smack end up in your room?’ I stared at it, took a good long look. It must have been worth about ten grand on the street, and there I was, acting like it wasn’t a big deal.
But it was.
Thank God Trace answered that second time around.
“Flush it.”
I stare at the gaping bag now, hours later. All that beautiful powder...it’ll be gone in seconds. “It’s like throwing money away.”
“It’s a god damn prison sentence. I said flush it. Now.”
I sigh heavily, and feel the first tears start to travel down my face as I pour the bags contents into the toilet. Trace immediately steps in once it’s empty, and pushes down on the lever, sending the white clump swirling down into the depths below. Then I just stare at him, knowing that the look on his face is filled with anger and disappointment. It quickly hits me that he thinks I did this...that I decided to use, only...I didn’t, and I don’t know how to convince him otherwise. I slide down the wall and onto the floor, half sobbing, not knowing what’s going to happen next.
“Where’s the rest?” he states, bluntly, after several moments of silence.
“That’s all there was.”
“You know what I mean.”
Oh. Tools. “Dresser,” I croak.
He’s there and back within a minute, and I know the part of him that’s my sponsor has taken over completely. He quietly places everything into the ziploc bag he brought with him, making sure to seal it up tight with some duct tape, and puts it out of my reach. Then he sighs, crosses his arms and sits down on top of the toilet. “How’d you get a hold of that much smack, Justin?”
“It wasn’t mine.”
He laughs at me. “C’mon J.”
“I swear to God,” I say, desperately. “The bag...it was behind the nightstand. Somebody must have...put it there...”
“Somebody left ten thousand dollars worth of heroin in your hotel room? Well, it must have been your lucky day or something.”
“It’s the truth. It must have happened when I left the room the other night. I didn’t see anybody though.”
He sighs heavily, and rubs his face with his hands. “You were about to use, regardless of who’s drugs they were. Why?”
I shrug, and look down between my legs, hating myself for what I was about to do. “I just...I couldn’t stop myself. That’s why I called you.”
r32;“What would have happened if you couldn’t get a hold of me? I mean, I wasn’t exactly free, Justin. I was driving Kate back from Lamaze...she wasn’t happy when I told her I had to come to your rescue.”
“I don’t know. It’s not like I’m not thankful.”r32;
“My baby is about to be born,” he says softly. “Things aren’t going to be the same once that happens. You understand right? You’re going to need to find somebody else to call.”
I just nod. I know. I know I’m an intrusion in his life. He’s better off without me, actually, and his family will be too. “I’ll manage.”
“A couple of weeks ago I would have agreed. Now, I’m not so sure.”
“It was just...here!”
“Then who put it there!”
“I...” I trail off and shake my head, think long and hard about who knew I was staying here. There’s Trace, but of course he wouldn’t have done it. That leaves Betsy, and probably Carter. But Carter doesn’t seem smart enough to get his hands on that much smack. So...it’s back to Betsy.
But I can’t believe that.
“Maybe Betsy did it,” Trace suggests, before I can say anything else.
“No.”
“She’s the only other person who knows where you’re staying. I wouldn’t put it past her. Fucking DCF...they’ll do anything to win their case. I told you...I told you not to trust her.”
“She couldn’t have!” I yell at him. “She’s done too much for me...she wouldn’t just...do that.”
“Believe what you want,” he sighs and gets up again. “But you know I’m coming from experience. I better go, before Kate packs a bag and goes to stay with her mom. Are you going to be okay?”
I shrug. “I guess I’ll have to be.”
“Where are you going when you check out of here?”
“Back to Betsy’s I guess.”
He nods. “Well, just call me and let me know what’s going on. I’ll meet you at the courthouse on Wednesday, all right?”
“Yeah. Fine.”
He doesn’t say anything, just grabs the ziploc bag full of drug tools, and walks out, leaving me sitting on the floor. I understand of course. He’s having a baby and that’s his main focus right now. It’s just fortunate for me that he was available this afternoon, otherwise I could be lying dead on this very same floor, from an overdose.
I shudder.
It’s so unthinkable but...what if, for some reason...she really did do it? What if she’s been plotting against me this whole time? What if she allowed me to seduce her so I would trust her completely?
I don’t want to believe it, but what else can I believe?
*********
The knocking is soft at first, so soft that I almost sleep right through it. I cried for a long, long time on the floor of the bathroom before I managed to pull myself to my feet with the crutches and hobble over to the bed. I collapsed onto it, exhausted from the emotional day, and I wasn’t sure what would happen when I woke up again.
But now I do.
My eyes slowly drift open, and the knocking seems to get louder as I push myself up in the bed, wincing when my leg begins to ache again.
“Justin.”
I hear her calling my name through the door, and I stare at it for several minutes, debating if I should answer. If I should go there right now, because...I don’t think I can trust her anymore, and that’s very bad, considering everything that’s happening. It’s Monday, which means I have to check out of the hotel and go with her today...only, I really don’t want to. “Coming.” I call back, miserably, before grabbing my crutches and getting myself over to the door.
“That took forever,” Betsy gasps when I finally open the door for her. Her face is pale, her eyes wide, which means she was worried when I didn’t answer the door on the second knock.
She cares. There’s no denying that.
But if she does, then why do I feel like I’m being betrayed? Maybe I’ve let Trace get to me. Maybe easier to think that she did this, so I don’t have to worry about who else might be out to get me other than DCF. “I’m fine,” I say quietly.
She gently pushes her way into the room, and slowly sits down on the bed, staring at me what seems like forever, and I just don’t get it.
I don’t get it, but deep down I know there’s something going on with her. “I have to pack,” I say, not quite looking at her. “Give me a few.”
“I...I’m not taking you with me,” she tells me, looking down at her lap. “I paid for you to stay here the rest of today. Carter’s coming by later. You’ll stay at his house for a bit until you can find someplace else to go. His wife is fine with it.”
I just stare at her. “W-what do you mean?”
She licks her lips, and can’t seem to help but sob for a few minutes, putting a hand over her mouth to muffle her cries. Something deep down, tells me this is about those drugs but...
But that she’s not behind it.
“Betsy...” I hobble over to the bed, and gently sit down next to her. “What’s going on?”
r32;“Did you find them?”
My mouth hangs open for several moments, before I find the strength to answer her. “The drugs.”
She nods.
“Yeah. I...I found them accidentally. I was about to use them, before I got in touch with Trace. He came and we flushed them.”
She let’s out a long sigh. “Thank God. Justin...” She looks up at me again, the tears traveling down her face as she reaches out to touch my cheek.
But I draw back from her. “You put them in here, didn’t you?”r32;
“No...no I didn’t,” she sobs. “Justin...it’s Preston. He knows everything, he knows that...I slept with you. I don’t know how he found out you were staying here but, he managed to slip the drugs in the room. My worst fear was that you would find them and use but...but you didn’t.”
I stare at her, at a loss for words. This whole time I thought I was safe, that Betsy and I would be able to keep our thing private. But it’s obvious that Preston has enough money and power that he’ll always be able to find out what she’s up to. “Why didn’t you call me?”
“He took my phone,” she whimpers. “And he’s been watching me like a hawk since he came back. I...I’m leaving with him tonight. He’s taking me to Chicago, on the terms that he’ll leave you alone if I go with him. I told him I was going to say goodbye to Carter. It’s the only reason he’s not with me right now. If he knew...if he knew I was here...it would be really bad for you, and Ava.”
It’s silent for a really long time, aside from the sound of Betsy’s whimpering. I’m so angry, want to kill that guy for what he’s doing to her. He’s basically blackmailing her into leaving here with him. I know if she goes, she’s not coming back. She’ll never see her brother again, aside from the wedding, and the occasional holiday. I can’t let her do this...not for me, because that guy doesn’t love her, he owns her. “You can’t go,” I say, finally pulling her hands away from her face, and taking them in mine. “Betsy, you can’t do it. Not for me.”
“I can’t let you lose Ava,” she cries. “Preston can do things, you know that too. If he can hide drugs in your room, he can send you back to prison. If that happens it won’t matter if I’m here or not. Ava will be gone anyway. This way, you still have a chance. You need to get in contact with Deb’s friend...get the ball moving. Carter promised me he would help you however he can.”
“It’s blackmail, what he’s doing,” I whisper.
“I love him,” she reassures me. “I’ll...I’ll be okay.”
“You don’t love him, and you won’t be.” I put my face right up to hers, and feel the first tears escape my eyes. “He’s going to control you every way he can, Betsy. I can’t let you do that.”
“Things will calm down after a couple of weeks,” she nods. “He’ll turn back into the Preston I know. Right now he’s just...he’s upset, and needs time alone with me.”
“He took your cell phone. That should tell you how things are going to go.”
She shrugs. “It’s done, Justin.”r32;
I shake my head.
But she gets up from the bed, and I know she’s done discussing it with me. “Carter said he’ll be here after dinner, once the kids go down. He didn’t want them asking all kinds of questions. In the morning, he’ll just make something up to tell them. Go along with whatever it is, okay? And...take whatever Marilyn says in stride. She’s a bored house wife, but she means well.”
We actually laugh, briefly, and then I watch her head over to the door.
“When you get Ava back, give her my love,” she says, forcing a small smile. “Tell her that she’ll always be in my heart.”
“I...I will.”
This is goodbye, and that’s so fucking crazy. Betsy, the woman I’ve come to respect after so much shit. The woman that stuck by my kid when I couldn’t. The woman...the woman I love...
She’s walking out of that door, out of my life, like so many other people I’ve cared about.
I go after her, stop her at the door. “I love you.” I tell her, desperately. “I love you so much.”
“Justin...stop it...”r32;
But I don’t let her protest further. I grab her to me and press my lips to hers, backing up against the wall so I won’t fall over. She doesn’t pull away, she kisses me back, shaking and crying. I know she feels the same way, but she can’t say it. She’s too overwhelmed. “Don’t leave.” I whisper, when I’m finally able to break the kiss, and I press my forehead against hers as I continue to hold her in my arms. “We can figure this out.”
“Promise me that you’ll do everything you’re supposed to,” she says, running her thumb across my cheek. “Don’t give up. Pass that exam and let Carter get you in at the bank. Even if things don’t go well on Wednesday...don’t let them defeat you at the custody hearing.”
“Betsy...”r32;
“Promise. Me.” She says it through gritted teeth, as more tears seep out of her eyes.
“I...I promise.”
She lets out a harsh sigh, and wipes the tears off of her face. “I gotta go.”
She slips out of my arms, and I...I let her, as much as I don’t want to. Trying to hold her back, I know, would just make things harder for the both of us.
There’s nothing else I can do.
“Goodbye,” I say, as the door clicks closed.
Now, I know...it’s just me. But for the first time in my life, I think that I can face the world on my own, and that’s all because of her. She might be gone, but she’ll always be in my heart, and her voice will always be in the back of my mind, egging me on, not allowing me to quit.
And that will have to be enough.
