Ava’s visit with Deb went well, for the most part. While it was awkward as hell having that DCF agent sitting there with us during a very private family meeting, we both made the best of it for Ava’s sake. She’d been sulking most of the way up to Bakersfield, kept asking me why we had to go there, why we had to visit her ‘real mom’. I knew she wouldn’t understand or like it. She barely knew Deb at all, and I had to explain to her that it was important that she went to say hello. I couldn’t tell her the real reason of course...that her mother was dying and it might have been her only chance. I couldn’t spring that on my kid, with everything else going on in her life.
Although, when we were there in the hospital room, it was all too obvious that she was sick. Deb’s health had seriously declined from the last time I saw her. She was much thinner, much more pale, and could barely get out of bed without help. The nurse helped her into a wheelchair, and we went outside. It made Deb smile, feeling the sun on her face, and Ava seemed to warm up to her after that. She sat there and read a story to the two of us, and I think...it may have been the first time we’d ever done something like that with our daughter.
It was good. We took some pictures, so when the time comes, Ava will always be able to remember the visit. I mean, I was making plans. Once I got custody I wanted to take Ava back up to see her mother every chance I got before she passed away, but I had no idea how much time she had left.
Her nurses told me the worst had come. That disease had destroyed her immune system and she’d stopped taking most of her medication. It meant she would start to deteriorate, dwindle away until all the life had been sucked out of her. She was literally waiting to die. I sat with her for a while that day, before I had to take Ava back to the Baxter’s. We talked about nothing in particular at first. She said she was glad to be spending the time with me. That it was something she’d been hoping for, because she wanted us to have some closure.
“I wish I could have stuck around,” she confessed to me. “You were one of the better ones, Justin...for me.”
“I don’t know about that.”
“It’s true. I knew you’d get off that stuff eventually. You always had too much will power for it. Right now, you’re the person that I always hoped you would be. Please just...don’t go back, ever, okay?”
I shook my head slowly. “I won’t. I promise.”
“And you should talk to your mom, even if she doesn’t want to listen.”r32;
I laughed a little. “I’m not going there.”r32;
“You should, though. She’s still alive and so are you. It’s time to make amends, for Ava’s sake. She needs her grandmother in her life, too.”
I sighed. I knew she had a point, and because she was my daughter’s mother, what she said yanked at my heart, telling me I couldn’t back down. “I’ll...I’ll try, okay?”
“As long as you try. If she’s the one that wants to be stubborn, there’s nothing you can really do. I just...I want our daughter to have as much family in her life as she can. My parents are gone.”
I nodded.
“When do you think...it will happen?” I asked her after a long while of putting it off. I couldn’t look at her, but...but I had to know, so I could prepare myself.
“Soon,” she rasped. “It’s just...gotten so bad. I thought I could make it until after the hearing but I’m not so sure. I feel good though about it though, I really do. It’s like...God is telling me that everything will work out for the best.” She smiled and reached out slowly across the table so I would take her hand. “I think...I think he’s forgiving me, Justin.”
I couldn’t say much. God hadn’t been an entity in my life for many years, but I couldn’t tell her all that. She had too much faith in her religion, believing that she didn’t have to be afraid, because she would be taken care of when she passed away. I smiled simply for her, and took her hand. It was cold as ice.
“Thank you,” she whispered. “Thank you for bringing her here, J.”
I just nodded. “Deb...I...I wish things could be different.”
“So do I, but things are the way they are. We can’t change them, but I know...I know you’re going to take care of our girl.”
“I will...I promise you.”
She gave my hand a squeeze, and I slowly got up, coming around the table so I could kiss her cheek gently.
“Make sure you’re happy too, Justin. Don’t forget to live your life. Once you find that special girl, don’t you dare let her go.”
“She might have gotten away, actually.”
“So make her take you back,” she said, her eyes wide and intense. “Fix it.”
“I’ll...I’ll do my best.”
It was the last thing we discussed, before I left that day. The next morning, I would get a call from Adam, telling me she’d passed in her sleep. I was numb. I didn’t know how to think or feel, because I’d never lost somebody before...and it was Deb. Deb who I hadn’t spoken to in years and then...she was back in my life, just like that. Just when we were finally able to talk to each other and get along, when she might have been able to be a part of Ava’s life...she was gone again. I was angry. I didn’t get it, felt like somebody had decided to fuck around with me again. I wanted to fix it, to bring her back or something but I knew that was impossible. It was just another thing I would have to deal with, and it hurt so bad that she was gone forever. I had to stay strong though. I knew it was the only way I could fulfill her dying wish.
There was a short service held for her a few days later. Ava was able to come and I stood by her side, holding her hand while the priest said a few words. Adam stood slightly over to the left, staring at the coffin with a blank gaze. I knew it was going to take him some time to get over it, and I fully intended on being there to support him, since he’d already done so much for Ava, and myself. Aside from the three of us, Carter and his wife were the only other people there. It was sad, really. Deb should have had a big, loving family.
She just never got that chance, because of the drugs. I would do better, I would live my life and be happy, because I had made a promise, and I wasn’t going to break it, like so many others I made in my past.
The first thing I did when I was able to function again, was get my drivers license. Adam found a decent used car for me, and bought it outright, making a deal with me that I could pay him back in increments each month. It’s nothing special, just an old Ford, but it runs well, has AC, and gets me where I need to go. One day, I’ll be financially secure and get a nicer model. Right now, I’m just thankful I have a car at all.
“I’m going. Mom and dad are meeting me at the airport. I’ll call when I can.”
“Just get there safe.” Marilyn strokes his face lovingly. “Make sure you give her love from me and the kids.”
He nods, as he holds in her in his arms. I know it’s taking him every ounce of strength not to break down right now.
“I should be getting on that plane with you.”
Carter looks at me then, and shakes his head rapidly as he pulls away from his wife and throws on the light jacket she hands him.
“You need to stay here, for your daughter. I’ll call when I get settled. I promise.”
Of course I get it. If anything were to happen to Ava, and I was away, DCF could note that I was being negligent again. Everything is a risk these days, but it’s so fucked up, because this is about Betsy, the one person who’s tried to get me back with Ava from the start. I mean, she’s coming home, and she’s been through hell. I can’t even imagine what Preston put her through. As it is, Carter has only told me the basics. That he was keeping her locked up somewhere, cut off from everybody she loves...like a prisoner, for months.
I feel responsible for all of it. She only left because of me, to protect me. If I’d pushed her a little harder, persuaded her to stay, she would have been safe. But how could I have prevented her from leaving? She was firm with me. Nobody would have changed her mind. She was determined to make things work with Preston.
And I guess he was determined too, in his own sick way.
She’s in Northern Illinois. Apparently, Preston bought a house there, specifically to keep Betsy his prisoner. The sick fuck is dead now. Carter told me something happened with a gun. I’m sure Betsy fought hard for it, and shot him before he could do anything else to her.
The bastard should rot in hell. I hope he does.
“Will you tell her I love her?” I ask him as he grabs his duffle bag and begins to walk out the door. “That I want to talk to her when she gets back?”
He looks back, his expression fatigued and serious. He hasn’t slept at all since she called him. “Yeah. Yeah I’ll tell her.”
“Bring her home, baby.”
His wife says it gently, her voice shaking, and kisses him goodbye one more time. Then he’s rushing out the door and into the awaiting taxi.
All we can do now is wait.
I sit down on his sofa, next to Marilyn, who immediately says she’s going to fix dinner for us. Carter asked me to stay over until he got back, so she wouldn’t worry herself sick. I doubt I could eat a bite, but still, I force a smile and thank her, knowing she’s only doing it get her mind off of what’s happened. The kids have gone to stay with her parents until Carter comes home. Of course it’s better for them, to be away from all of this drama.
I keep thinking about what it’s going to be like when I see her again. What do I say? How do I even act? I love her. I know I love her, and I want to be with her more than anything else. But is she even ready for that? It’s occurred to me over the past day or so that I have no idea how she’s going to act when she gets back. I don’t know if she’ll be able to function and be social, or if she’s going to just crawl inside herself and hide from the world. With almost three months of terror staring her in the face, I know she’s going to need some help to stabilize herself again. I want to help her through it of course, give her what she needs, because she’s given me everything.
I just have no idea if she’ll even want my help, and to top everything off, I still have to go to my custody hearing, and win it...God willing. If I lose, we’ll both be in a bad place, and I know I won’t be coming back from a blow that big. I’ve struck an advantage, however. Eli has been arrested, along with Betsy’s boss. Apparently they both had a hand in what happened to her, and so, the Baxters have had to seek new council, and somebody else from DCF has taken over my daughters case. I haven’t met her, with everything that’s been going on. Her name is Audra, but that’s all I know. Next week, I’m supposed to have a visit. She’s coming to look at my apartment, to make sure it’s suitable for Ava to live in. Carter wrote out a work statement letter for me, describing what an outstanding employee I am. Audra has that in my file, and my lawyer says it will help the judge see how much I’ve improved my life.
The week after she comes to inspect my apartment, I’ll be in that courtroom with her. I’m hoping that she’s not a spiteful bitch, that she’ll see what I’ve done, how hard I’ve been trying, and persuade the judge to let me have my daughter back. Something is telling me though, with everything that’s gone wrong politically with this case, the state will want to mend it’s reputation, and that could possibly mean they’ll award me custody, no contest.
That means I could walk in, and the judge could award me custody on the spot, dismiss the case entirely.
It’s the biggest thing I’m hoping for, so I can give my daughter the life I’ve always wanted to.
I guess I’m just hoping that Betsy will be my side through it all too, and allow me to be by hers.
*****************
“I should have seen this coming. I should have known when you stopped writing...”
“Preston was writing those emails,” I say, gently cutting him off. “There was no way you could have known about any of that. I didn’t even know what was happening until it was too late.”
He squeezes my hand and pulls me into another long, tight embrace. I hug him back, still trying to let the idea of freedom sink in. It’s been five days. The 911 operator stayed on the phone with me right until the end. The police found where I was hidden in no time, once they arrived, and knocked down the code locked door with this long metal thing. Then they carried me out of there, put me in an ambulance and drove me to the hospital, having the decency not to ask me too many questions. Carter and my parents were contacted by the police over the phone. They were put on the first flight out, and I was reassured that I’d be with them by the next day.
I was brought into the ER and laid out on a table so I could be examined. A kind nurse held my hand as the doctor examined my body...my privates. I trembled and sobbed, but didn’t fight back. I knew what that could lead to and I didn’t want to be put in chains or gagged anymore. After the examination was over, the doctor quietly asked me if I had been sexually assaulted in any way, but of course, I barely responded. I was pretty catatonic the first day in the hospital. I was alone, and scared to back in civilization for the first time in months. It hit me all too quickly how scared of I was of other people. While he’d been deranged, Preston had protected me, kept me safe, unless I was bad. I had put every ounce of my faith in him after we made the move, and that was what he’d wanted all along.
I know the doctor told my family different. She knew the truth without me telling it to her, because her examination told the story for me. That Preston raped me, left marks and injuries outside and inside of my body. I couldn’t deny that I was still in pain from all the times he’d forced himself inside of me, but...I wouldn’t talk about it. I just...couldn’t. I put all that away, because it confused me, made me cry even more than I did, and I couldn’t take it. Later, the lead officer would tell me that Preston’s death was an act of self defense, and I didn’t need to worry about it anymore. It was so easy for him to say it, like I could just forget about it.
I’ll never forget about it. The way he tied me up, forced me to wear chains, the things he said...the awful ways he would touch me, and force me to have sex. Those things will stay with me for a lifetime. I’m sure of that.
The police also informed me that there were other parties involved in this whole thing. Eli, who I already knew about, but they also told me Darcy had a hand in this too. She knew all along what was going to happen, and Preston’s father apparently gave him the idea, and helped him fund all the things he set into place to prevent my escape. Apparently, when questioned, Darcy caved in like a little coward, and was arrested on the spot for conspiracy or something like that. Eli’s been more of a hard ass. He’s denying the whole thing, blaming it on his son, who is now dead. The DA has been in touch with me by phone, asked me if I’d be willing to testify against him, if it comes down to it. Of course I agreed to. Nothing would ever stop me from seeing that bastard get locked away. Darcy has already made a deal with the DA. She’s doing thirty to fifty years, mandated to thirty before she’ll be eligible for parole. Eli will probably get life, or close to it, depending on the deal his expensive lawyer can get him to keep the case from going to trial.
It’s going to be weird, going back to my life. Nothing will ever be like it was, and I...I already know I’m going to be a shell of who I used to be. I’m so angry...angry at the world, at Preston for doing it, at Eli and Darcy for provoking him when he was at his weakest, mentally. It’s just not fair, because I used to be such a happy person, with hardly any problems at all.
Now my life is just...swimming with them. I feel like I’m drowning. Like I’m still a prisoner.
And I don’t know what I’m going to do.
“What about Justin?”
It’s the first time I’ve brought him up since I was taken out of that horrible prison. I guess my mind is clear enough to think back on him now, and I’m praying that Carter has managed to take care of him, in my absence.
“He’s at the bank...doing well.” He looks at me, and flashes me a small smile. “The Baxters won temporary custody, but...I helped him put it out of his mind. He’s worked so hard, Bets. You’d be proud. His hearing is in a couple of weeks, and we’re all really hopeful that he’ll win. That friend of his ex’s...Adam, he’s been a huge help. He got Justin a decent apartment, and helped him furnish it, got him a used car too. I really think he’s going to win this thing, and put everything else behind him.”
A smile pulls at my lips briefly, but it’s impossible to keep it there, and I feel it fade just as quickly. “Does he know...about...everything?”
“I told him the basics. He wanted to come, but we all thought it was better if he stuck around back home, for Ava’s sake. I figured I’d let you talk to him when you got back. He wants to see you when you get home.”
“He does?”
Carter smiles. “The guy is in love with you.”
I don’t return it though. At this point, I can’t even think about being with anybody, even if it is Justin. Even if I know I love him, I’m just...not ready. I know I’m handling everything entirely too well at the moment. When I get home, I know I’ll break down, when I’m alone and nobody else is around to see it.
“I’m going to need some time before I start...talking to people,” I tell him. “I’m...I think I’m still in shock. I...I don’t want to lose my mind when I get home.”
“I know, Bets.” He gives me a tight smile. “You can take however long you need. Nobody is expecting you to bounce back right away. I’m right here for you, like always.”
I nod, but I know it’s not the truth. Everybody is going to want me to talk about it when I get home, especially Carter. He doesn’t get it. He thinks when I say ‘people’, I don’t mean him. But I do. I mean everybody, and....and I know it might start to put a rift between us for the first time in our lives.
I just...I don’t want to talk to anybody about this, about what happened. It’s too hard, too much, too fucking terrifying, too embarrassing to tell them all how my own fiance raped me over and over again. I should have been stronger, I should have stood up to him.
I was too weak. I just...let him. I let him do whatever he wanted to do, and in the end, when he was lying there dying...I was there for him, stroking his face like I loved him, telling how I wished things could have been different for us. Sure, he died, but he died with the person he loved in his arms, comforted as he slipped away, while I’d been tortured for months.
I can’t make any sense of that. The more I think about it, the more my mind seems to swell up with all the thoughts and memories of him...of the good times, of the times I couldn’t do anything more but love him. It makes my head hurt. I’ve been getting migraines the past couple of days. Bad ones. No amount of medication seems to make that particular pain go away.
A part of me, a big part, misses him still. A part of me, will always love him, no matter what. I blame myself, tell myself he didn’t deserve to die. That he could have gotten help, that I could have worked through his problems, helped him. He wouldn’t have gone to prison...maybe we could have gotten married.
A part of me...
A part of me wishes I would have just died back there, in that little locked room, because I feel like I can’t function without him now. He trained me too well, made me completely dependent on him. I keep listening for my chimes, telling me when to dress, when to piss, when to sleep, when to smile. They’re not there now. They’re not there and I’m so fuckin’ lost without them.
I feel the tears on my face, but I don’t bother to wipe them away. More will be behind them, like always.
“Betsy.”
I look at my brother, staring down at me, so concerned, wanting nothing more than to help me. I think...I think it’s the first time in my life that I haven’t clung to his every word. He can’t understand this time around. He’s just...removed. He didn’t know Preston like I knew Preston. Nobody did, and now, because of me, nobody ever will.
“Everything is going to be fine now.” He strokes my face lightly, and flashes a soft smile. “You’re safe. Tomorrow they’re going to let you leave and...and I’m gonna get you home, back where you belong. You’ll be able to start fresh. You can stay with me and Marilyn, we already set up a room for you...”
“I have the condo. The lease is paid up through the rest of the year. I’ll stay there for now.”
He stares at me for a long time, like he doesn’t know what to say. “Betsy you can’t...you don’t want to stay there.”
“Why?”
“It’ll mess you up more, don’t you think? It’s like...one big memory of that bastard.”
I shrug, stare straight ahead at the muted television. “It’s home.”
He’s silent. I know he’s trying to process it. “Maybe...we can decide all of that when you get back home. It’s a little much right now. You should rest, you know? Mom and dad will be back soon to nag you some more.”
He laughs, but I know how forced it is, and kisses my forehead, but I don’t react. I can’t. I’m so...
I’m so numb.
“Do you need anything? I’m going to call home.”
I just shake my head, and continue to stare at the television as he leaves my bedside.
“I’m going to...to do whatever I have to do to help you through this, Betsy.” I hear him say it to me after a moment, but I still won’t look at him. “I love you...I’m...I’m so glad you’re safe.”
I press my lips together, but I don’t answer him. When I look over at the doorway, he’s not there anymore. It’s going to take a long time.
He knows that.
But it’s going to be really hard for him to accept it. He’s Carter. He’s not just my twin brother, he’s my very best friend, and we’ve never kept anything from each other, up until now. With my parents, it’s different. They’ve come and sat by my side throughout the days I’ve been here, but it’s more to just hold my hand and ask me if I’m hungry or thirsty...or in pain. They don’t try to get details from me. They know how I am, they know when to back off, because I was a little bit like this, quiet, unemotional, and very closed off, when they first met me. I was still messed up then, about my father, and it would take an emotional breakdown and a couple of years of an expensive shrink to take me out of my shell completely, so I could be the daughter that they always wanted. I’m grateful for all of their sacrifices, how they took care of us, made us into strong, responsible adults, instead of delinquents without a future. Even so, they’ve always had a better bond with Carter. He was the one they wanted originally. I was just the baggage. The one they took in when Carter refused to go live with them if it meant I couldn’t go too.
But Carter will never back off like they do. He’ll nag me until the day I say something so regrettable, that he’ll turn his back on me forever.
I’m so afraid I’m going to lose him. That I won’t be able to change back into his sister that he loves so much.
I guess Preston is still winning, beyond the grave. One of his main missions was to keep me from my meddling brother, after all, and now I feel like I can’t ever confide in him again. Not in that way.
I know I'm back to that insecure, hollow person, like i was when I was just a pre teen. I'm broken, shattered, and I have no idea what lies in store for me when I get home. All I know is that I’m terrified, and locking myself in my house sounds a lot more comforting than going about my life like nothing happened at all.
Author's Chapter Notes:
Here you go! Enjoy!
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