“Fuck...damn it.”
I’m so God damn jittery. My hands are shaking, so bad that I keep dropping the groceries, and it’s taking longer than usual to put them away. I lean back against the counter as I stare down at the floor. The smashed jar of Prego lays there, its contents splattered all over the kitchen floor, telling me I’m doomed.
“Don’t sweat it.” Carter says, trying to keep his tone upbeat as he brings over a broom, dustpan, garbage bag, and mop. “No big deal. We can clean it up, Justin.”
I continue to stare at the floor. “She’ll find something wrong. I know she’s going to find something wrong. They always do.”
“We were up half the night, putting stuff in this place that Ava is way too old for.” He smiles, and starts to sweep up the glass for me, encouraging me to hold up the bag so he can dump it inside. “The whole damn kitchen is locked up like Fort Knox. If anything, she’ll probably tell you that you went overboard. They can’t crucify you for that. It shows that you care, but that you’re a little inexperienced, and taking all the precautions you can.”
I let out a long sigh, and hold up the bag. I guess he’s right. I mean, we childproofed the whole kitchen, and the rest of the apartment, at the advice of my lawyer. He’s been trying to get me to take every precaution when it comes to Ava, no matter how ridiculous it seems. He says its better that I do it, than be questioned about why I didn’t do it later on. He’s good, so I trusted him and went with his advice. With Adam, Carter, and Trace’s help, we’ve got the whole place up to code in just a few days.
Audra should be here in the next fifteen minutes, to observe everything and jot it down in her fucking note pad.
It’ll be the first time she’s met me in person, and I have no idea what she’s assumed about me for all this time. Probably thinks that I’m a loser, that I’ll go back to my old ways, that I don’t deserve Ava. I probably won’t be able to change her mind either. I’m a nervous, fucking mess, and Carter has decided to stick by me, for moral support, since Trace and Adam both have other things to take care of today.
But he’s not Betsy.
Not that Betsy would be any better, at this point.
She won’t see me. I’ve tried. Went up to her place and knocked on the door, only to receive no answer. Carter has tried to persuade her as well. When she came home, he told me she needed a day or two to get her mind straightened out, and of course I understood. But when that day turned into a week, and I asked if I could see her again, Carter sort of...got really quiet, and then he told me that she wouldn’t even talk to him unless he forced himself into her place. She refuses to live anyplace else besides Preston’s condo, as much as that has freaked us all out. She wants to be left alone there too, all the time, and he said he was trying get her to take some help, before she can get worse, but hasn’t be successful so far.
Of course I’m worried. I know...I know if I could just talk to her for a few minutes, she might crack, might talk to me. But she refuses. She’s just...
I don’t even know what she is.
But right now, I can’t focus on her. I can only focus on this visit, because it’s the difference between getting Ava back or not. Carter has taken the week off from work just to help me, and I’ve taken a leave of absence until this whole custody thing is done with. I never...I never thought he really cared, that he was just doing a favor for Betsy, but over the past few weeks we’ve grown close. I’ve become a vital part of his bank staff, and we’ve become good friends outside of work. I can talk to him now, confide in him. He’s one of my best friends, and it feels good...because he’s a good person. Of course, I’m constantly reminded that it’s only because of Betsy that we’re even friends. She should be a part of it, a part of everything...but Preston...Preston just messed her up, so bad. It hurts me, because she doesn’t deserve to be going through something like this.
But she is, and...and it’s still so hard, not to blame myself for it.
I got my cast off a couple of days ago. My leg is still really stiff, and the muscles are much weaker than they used to be. They’ve scheduled me to start physical therapy after the hearing, so I can get all the strength back in it. For now, I’m walking with a cane when I need to, so I can steady myself. It feels great though, being able to walk somewhat normally again. I feel so much freer, like a person. It’s the biggest reminder that I have, not to fuck up again.
We get the mess cleaned up together, and I’m able to breathe a little bit easier once the glass is safely disposed of and the rest of the groceries are put away. Carter and I spent the next few minutes cleaning up last minute messes, and straightening things up, making sure the apartment looks clean, warm and inviting. I straighten out a few pictures on the wall. I framed the drawing of the puppy that Ava drew, the one Betsy gave me that first day. Then there’s the picture of Ava, Deb and me...right before she passed away. It gets me to smile a little, remembering her...remembering all the promises I made her. It builds me up slightly. Gives me that little push I need to get it together, to be strong and confident before DCF walks through my front door.
The doorbell rings just as I finish wiping down the coffee table with some Glade.
“Go on.” Carter pats me on the back and takes the rag and Glade from me. “You’ll be fine.”
I give him a pathetic look. “I’m freaked the hell out.”
He just smiles. “All you can do is be yourself. If she’s any kind of a human being, she’ll see how much effort you’ve put into yourself.”
The doorbell rings again.
“But if you don’t answer, you won’t have a chance in hell,” he laughs.
“Oh...yeah...” I nod rapidly, and bolt to the door, nearly tripping, before I steady myself. I take a breath, and squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, before I thrust the door open.
“Mr. Timberlake?”
She’s young, must be about Betsy's age. A reddish brunette with green eyes, and a nice smile. She has a black pants suit on accented with a little white blouse underneath and a cute little necklace with a pink gem. She seems normal...but looks, I know, can be so damn deceiving. “Yeah...” I trail off and clear my throat, remembering the formal way I’m supposed to talk to her as I shake her hand. “I mean, yes, that’s me.” I step aside, so she can walk into the apartment.
She smiles, and laughs a little, being able to sense that I’m fucking scared, before she makes her way inside.
Carter isn’t sitting in the living room. I’m assuming he’s gone out on the patio, wanting to stay out of the way so the focus can be on me. It makes me even more nervous, but I know it’s the best thing.
“I’m Audra Pires,” she says, as she begins to glance around my living room. “I’m sure your social worker and lawyer have told you about me by now. I’d been meaning to meet with you before this, but I’ve gotten so many case files dumped on my desk the past week or two...I’m sure you understand.”
“Of course.” Naturally, I know what she’s talking about. What happened to Betsy has effected her entire department. Right now they’re scrambling, trying to get everything under control with their leader in jail and their top agent out of the picture.
“I really apologize about everything...that’s been going on.” She says, as she steps towards the wall and observes the pictures hanging there. “It’s not fair to Ava, having three different case workers in such a short span of time.”
I cross my arms. “What happened to Betsy wasn’t fair either.”
Fuck. I’m not supposed to talk back. Carter warned me, told me not to bring his sister into this, but...but I’m still so angry. I miss her. I miss the person I knew, and if it wasn’t for Darcy, maybe all of it wouldn’t have happened, and she’d still be here right now, running the case for Ava and for me.
Maybe we’d be together. Maybe she would have let me love her.
She turns and stares at me for a long moment, before speaking again. “Betsy and I have been friends for a long time, Mr. Timberlake, and I know that Ava was a very special case for her. I think she may have given up the best part of herself for that little girl, and it’s unfortunate. Believe me, I know how horrible this all is, but...the work still needs to be done, whether or not she’s here, and I’ve been appointed to do it, with or without your cooperation.”
Shit. “I get it.”
“Can you show me around, please?”
She’s serious now, down to business, and I know I have no place talking back to her anymore today. She’ll let me have a pass with that last comment, because it was for Betsy, but any more, and I could be in serious trouble. “Yes. Of course.”
I take her into the kitchen first, show her all the precautions I’ve taken with the child guards on the drawers and cabinets, and the child locks on the refrigerator and stove. I show her the interior of my cabinets and the fridge as well, stocked with just about everything it takes to give Ava three balanced, healthy meals a day, plus a thousand snacks and drinks. She smirks as I show it all to her, takes some notes, but doesn’t say anything good or bad. Maybe that’s good...I guess it’s good.
We go down the hall, I show her the bathroom. It’s immaculately clean, with non skid rugs on the floor, and thick, non slip treads on the interior of the tub shaped like gorillas and monkeys. There’s a child lock on all the faucets and the medicine cabinet, and a step stool near the sink. I point out the little toothbrush, pink mouthwash and Barbie toothpaste on the sink, as well as the drawer set aside just for Ava with brushes, hair clips, and headbands. They get another little smirk, nod, and note jot.
I’m doing okay. Yeah. I’m doing fine.
The bedrooms are next. Mine is as barren as possible. Just a bed, a closet, and a dresser. The walls have a couple of old pictures of Ava on them, and nothing else. My lawyer said it was better this way, shows that I’ve taken the focus completely off of myself and sacrificed everything else for Ava. Audra doesn’t react much, just nods and asks to see Ava’s room next. It’s the grand finale of course, because my apartment is really small, and this is all there is to it. We go across the hall, stop in front of the door I’ve painted pink with a little wooden sign that says Ava in fancy script, and I take a small breath before I open the door and let her inside.
It’s all pink inside...the walls, the ceiling, and the furniture. I asked Ava what her favorite color was, and pink is what she told me, with a big wide smile, so I started with that. Marilyn came by and helped me paint everything. Once it dried, we stenciled some flowers on the walls, and she put up a nice floral border all around the room too. The toy box in the corner is pink too, accentuated with little flowers and personalized with her name. I filled it with whatever toys I could afford, mostly from Goodwill and tag sales. There are a few things from Carter and Marilyn, Trace and Kate, and Adam too. The most expensive thing I bought is on top of the dresser. A porcelain doll with hair the same shade as Ava’s, blue eyes like hers, and a beautiful hand made dress with a velvet purse to match. I spent fifty dollars on it at a tag sale. The lady said it had been in her family for a very long time, and needed to be handled gently, but I knew Ava. She’d never had much, and was always so careful with what she did have. I knew she would treasure something like that, so I had to buy it. I lose track of what’s going on for a while as I stare at everything, knowing how excited Ava will be when she sees it...
If she sees it.
Audra takes a seat on the bed that’s been covered with a Barbie comforter and shams, staring at the pink and white table lamp on the night stand, eyeing the small music box that has a dancing ballerina inside, and the picture of Deb and Ava next to it. “You’ve outdone yourself, Justin.”
I just stare at her. “Excuse me?”
“I’ve...I’ve been on a ton of home visits. So many that I’ve lost count,” she smiles and laughs a little. “Nobody I’ve met has ever made this much of an effort before. You should be...very proud of all this. Betsy...Betsy told me that you were different, awhile back, but I didn’t realize how much until now.”
I don’t know how to react. Do I thank her? Do I just say:‘okay see you at the hearing, hope you don’t fuck me over.’ I have no idea. I have no idea if I should trust her. She seems to care about Betsy like a friend would. I was never privy to Betsy’s circle of girlfriends of course, but I’m sure Audra has always been there, and right now, I think she’s starting to remember what her friend Betsy has always stood for...
Forgiveness and second chances.
“I’m...” She pauses and runs a hand through her hair as she gazes down at her notepad. I think I can hear her sniffling, but I can’t be sure. “I’m recommending you for full custody, Justin. You...you deserve it, more than anybody else. Even if those people have money, they don’t have your heart. I know you’ll do a good job with Ava.”
My mouth hangs open slightly, and it takes everything in me not to sob. I pull it together, rub my face with one of my hands, and take in a breath. “I...thank you...”
She rises from the bed and closes her notebook, nodding a little.
“I can’t even... I don’t know what to say...” I shake my head.
“Wear a suit to the hearing,” she says gently, with a small smile, as she walks past me and pauses at the doorway. “Something nice, with a tie, and new dress shoes. Get a hair cut too, make sure you shave, and start getting a good nights sleep. Those bags under your eyes stand out too much.”
“I...I can do that.”
“Good luck, Justin.” She shakes my hand again. “I really hope that it all works out for you, and I really am...sorry about all this, and about Betsy too.”
I bite down on my bottom lip as I watch her go, and when I hear my door open and shut again, I know she’s let herself out. I sit down on Ava’s bed, staring out into space as I try to process it all.
She’s on my side.
A DCF agent, one that isn’t Betsy, is on my side.
“So?”
I look up. Carter is standing in the doorway, smirking, like he knows everything went well. “She...she’s recommending me for full custody.”
He nods, his smile growing as he comes and sits beside me. “I knew she would. Audra is a sucker, especially when it comes to somebody she’s considered a good friend for years.”
“You knew?”
“I knew what her personality was like, and I knew she’d cave in if we did all this to your place,” Carter nods, and pats me on the back again. “It’ll be fine, Justin. Your kid is coming home. I’m sure of it.”
I smile and laugh a little, not being able to believe it...how much my life has changed, how my life is coming together. I start to think back, trying to remember how I got here, and then it hits me again...that it was all because Betsy believed in me.
“Do you think she’ll come to the hearing?” I ask him after a while.
He sighs. “I...I don’t know. I’d like to tell you yes but...you’ve worked too hard to let Betsy devastate you. You’re going to have to make it through this without her...you know that, right? We talked about this in the very beginning. I warned you.”
“I...I know,” I whisper. “I just miss her.”
“We all miss her, Justin.”
He’s too strong to tell me how heartbroken he is over his sister, but I can see it in his face, in his eyes that are the same as Betsy’s. They have that same trait...their eyes give their emotions away, every time. “Carter...”
“I’ll talk to you soon.” He gets up quickly and sucks in a breath. “You can come by on the weekend. We’ll all have dinner.”
“Yeah...sure.”
“It’s great man, what happened today.” He forces a smile. “Congratulations. You should be really proud.”
He walks out after he says it, without another word. He’s upset, that’s a given, and needs to be alone to deal with his feelings, because that’s how he handles tragedy, even though...I’m sure he never counted on having to deal with one this big.
Author's Chapter Notes:
enjoy!
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