“You’re getting up and you’re going.”
I roll over and pull the covers over myself, so he’ll leave me the hell alone. “I’m not going anywhere, Carter.”
He yanks them off of me, and I sit up, exasperated. “What are you doing!”
“God damn it!” He yells, and stands before me, panting harshly as he looks right in my eyes. “He’s counting on you to be there! Can’t you see that?”
“He’ll be fine.” I sniffle and lay back down again. “I fixed it all for him before...before. He doesn’t need me.”
“He wants his friend back, Betsy.”
“I’m not the same person I was.”
“But you could be.”
I turn slightly and look at him again. Carter is devastated, but he’s been this way for weeks. He thought it would be simple, that I’d take a few days, and bounce back, rejoin humanity and focus on my life again. He didn’t count on this, but I warned him. I told him I wasn’t ready...for anything, or anybody.
I’m safe here, and nobody, not even Justin, is going to make me go...go out there.
“Just go.” I wave him off.
“I can’t believe that you don’t care,” he continues. “After everything you pushed for to get his life on track, after you fucking dragged me into it, put my family at risk for a stranger. You fucking...you’re just going to turn your back on him when he needs you...”
“Fuck Carter! I don’t give a damn anymore! Just get out! Go save him yourself if you’re so hell bent on it!”
I’ve screamed at him, and I know I’ve never, ever talked to him that way before. But I’m just...
I’m just a big mess that can’t be changed. I’m not coming back. I’m just going to be this way, figure it out, and push Carter away because he deserves better than what I’ve become. When we got back to LA, of course he insisted that I come to stay with him. I made it to his house and was coddled by Marilyn, the kids, our parents, and Carter for a day. Then, early in the morning, I snuck out, called a cab and went back home here to the condo. It was the safest I felt since the police got me out of Preston’s prison. It was familiar, and I needed that familiarity. The juke in the corner, the contemporary furniture, the TV...
The smell of Preston.
His clothes were still in the closet when I went into the master bedroom where we’d made love so many times before. They still smelled like him. I stripped down, and put on a pair of his sweatpants and a hoodie that bared his college logo, breathed him in, and cried because I missed him so much.
I’ve been wearing them for weeks. They smell now. I wont’ wash them because they still smell a little bit like him. My hair is ratty, messy. I don’t shower, don’t do anything. I drink a lot, try to hide that from Carter by throwing the bottles in the dumpster behind the house. Makes me feel better, makes me feel free, keeps me from my nightmares.
I don’t sleep unless I’m drunk.
“You need help, Betsy.” His voice comes after a while, low and sad, like when we were kids and so uncertain of the future. “Look at yourself. When’s the last time you showered or changed your clothes? You stink like booze too.”
I’m silent, continue to lay in the bed, clutching a pillow, willing him away.
“Betsy.”
“Go away, Carter.” I whimper, even though I hate it, and then I sob just slightly. “Just go.”
“I’m not going to just...leave you.”
His hand is on my shoulder, rubbing it gently. He’s so worried, but I can’t do anything to calm his nerves. “I want you to,” I whisper. “There’s no reason for you to do this to yourself anymore.”
“This isn’t your fault. None of it is...you just...you’re not seeing the problem, Betsy.”
I’m silent.
“Please come to the hearing. I’ll get you fixed up.”
The tears glide down my face. Of course, I’d love to go, under normal circumstance, but things aren’t normal. They’re far from normal and I can’t just...go out like that. Carter told me that Justin passed his home visit with flying colors. That Audra is recommending him for full custody. I knew she would, that’s why I left my copy of the file with her before Preston could stop me. I hoped that if Darcy was out of the picture, she would pick it up, make things right, because she was one of the few who had some kind of heart.
And she did.
Ava will be back with Justin after today. My job is done, I made sure of that, so why can’t Carter just leave me alone about it? Justin may want to see me, but he doesn’t need me. There’s a big difference. “I can’t.”
“I’ll be right there, Betsy. I know you’re scared but...but nobody is going to get to you.”
“I’m staying.”
“If I walk away today...I...I don’t think I can come back. I can’t do this anymore, Bets. If you won’t let me help you, if you won’t help yourself, what’s the point?”
Again, I say nothing.
“Do you really want me out of your life? I mean, is that really what you want?”
His voice is cracking, and I know he’s on the verge of a breakdown. It’s really hard to get Carter to this point, I know that, and it hurts...it hurts so bad to know I’ve caused him to feel so horrible.
“Yes.”
I pray that he listens, because I don’t want to do this to him anymore. He deserves better, deserves to be happy with his family. The only person standing in his way is me, and I won’t have it. I love him too much.
“Because I...because I won’t come back. I won’t talk to you, I won’t take your calls.”
I’m silent.
“You’re serious aren’t you?” Carter rasps.
I sniffle. “Get out, Carter, and stay away. I don’t want to see you again. I mean it.”
The silence is deafening, and then his footsteps come, hard and heavy, across the bedroom, out the door.
Slam.
I cry so hard. So hard. Harder than I have in a long time. I know what I’ve lost, and because I’ve lost him, another big piece of me has been lost as well. The piece of me that was left. The piece that Preston didn’t get to. Now I’m just...completely gone, and...and I don’t know what’s next. Sandra has been in contact with me. She told me that since the condo is in Eli’s name and not mine, I better get out in a few weeks or she would have me arrested for trespassing. She blames me, tells me it’s my fault that her son is dead and her husband is going to jail. That I should have been a ‘better’ girlfriend, and ‘listened’.
All that’s told me, is Preston inherited his fucked up traits from his father, and his mother was just the little lamb that did what she was told from day one. They hid it all behind their wealth and power, but now it’s all come out in the wash, and Sandra is trying to hold on to what little memory of her family that she has left, and it doesn’t include me.
It means I have no place to go. I can’t stay with Carter, for obvious reasons, my parents...I can’t do it. They’ll nag me and try to get me to ‘talk’ just like Carter, and...and I don’t want to upset them, but I will, because they’ll push me and push me until I lose it and do something stupid. It’s not an option..staying with them.
I’m just...I’m just on my own. Lost. Funny, I feel like Justin and I have traded places. He’s the collected one now, has his life together. He’s responsible, while I’m on my way out into the streets. I have no money. The state paid me my last check, deeming me unfit to hold my position, with good reason of course. I spent it on booze, enjoyed myself, but now...now I have nothing. I have no more savings. I’ve spent it all on trying to block out my own personal hell.
“It’s not so bad here.” Preston smirks and stands before me, arms crossed, his eyes playful. “Just come on, Bets. Join me. There’s nothing left for you here. Nobody cares. I told you...didn’t I tell you none of them cared about you anymore? You had to play around didn’t you? Fuck things up for us. We could have been together forever.”
“I...I’m sorry,” I tell him. “I didn’t know.”
I blink and he’s gone. I sit up, trembling, and stick my arm under the pillow on Preston’s side, grabbing my bottle of Jack out. I unscrew the cap and raise the whole bottle to my lips and drink. It burns going down, but the after effects are worth it. Everything melts away, and I feel light, better, not like the world is weighing me down. It never lasts long enough, and I’ve been thinking, trying to figure out if there’s something else out there that can take me away for a longer period of time...make me feel free. Of course, there’s nothing that can completely take me away forever.
Only death.
I lean back against the headboard and think about it. Think about what Preston said. Maybe...maybe he’s right.
I just don’t know anymore.
I force myself up after a while, stagger around, and decide to just...pack and get out. Where I’m going I don’t know, but the sooner I’m away, the harder it will be for people to track me down when they realize I’m gone again. I actually find the strength to shower, and it feels...it feels weird. It doesn’t make me feel better. I still feel so dirty when I get out, but I feel a little more energized, and I guess I need to be, so it’s good. I pack Preston’s precious sweats, along with a few other articles of clothing, throw some fruit in my bag too, and then I...I leave the condo. I look around, the world seems so different from what I remember. Everything seems bigger, darker, scarier.
I need to hide. Get away, before...before I’m caught and imprisoned someplace. I get in my car, but realize it’s practically on empty, so I decide to walk instead. I walk for hours through the hills, and reach downtown just as the sky is turning purple and pink. Pink was always Ava’s favorite color, and I think about today, about what might have happened...if Justin is carrying a half sleeping Ava into his nice new apartment on his shoulder...or if those idiots got her after all.
Something is with me though, inside of me, telling me that everything is okay, and I can live with that, without having a real answer. Night falls, and so, I take cover under an old underpass, lit up by the fires of homeless transients. I pull on Preston’s hoodie, find some old tarp, pull it around me, and lean against the bridge.
“You need something?”
I look up into the face of a toothless homeless woman. She’s holding out a pipe to me. I know what it is, because I’ve seen it so many times before, both during my childhood, and when I worked for DCF. It’s heroin, in it’s smokable form, and she’s obviously willing to be charitable with it. “I need to get away,” I whisper. “I’m lost here.”
“It can help. You have the rest. See Cray about a job. He’ll give you more.”
It’s pushed into my hand, and I don’t think, I inhale the toxic smoke. I cough after the first hit, but compose myself. Nothing hurts me anymore, and I take another hit. Then...it’s all gone. Preston, chains, rape...Carter hating me, losing Justin. It’s not there. It’s just me, and stars, and space. I smile, even though the tears are crawling down my face.
It’s gonna be okay.
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