The weekend before my hearing was as stress free as possible, and that was thanks to my amazing friends.  I spent time with Carter and his family on Saturday.  He loaned me one of his best suits for my hearing and took me down to get a nice pair of shoes and new tie to match it.  After, we had dinner, and Adam joined us.  On Sunday Trace and I took a much needed day together, attending an NA meeting at night that was absolutely vital.  I hadn’t been in such a long time, and it was bad.  If I was going to get Ava back, and keep her happy and healthy, I had to make sure I stuck to my meetings.  Not that I had any intention of going back on drugs, but the meetings played a big part in keeping me off of them.  Drug addiction isn’t something you ever really recover from.  You live with it, and meetings, sponsors, family support, and self control, all play a big role in keeping yourself from taking that step back into disaster.  

It was nice to go, see old faces.  Most of the people there shook my hand, and couldn’t stop talking about how great I looked.  I talked that night.  Usually I don’t, just listen, but I guess...I had a lot to share, had a lot I could say that would give the people there hope.  I told them about Ava, how I was on the brink of creating a new life for us, how I was scared but...that I was ready to take a risk, because I loved her.

It left me with so much energy, so much hope, for the hearing.

I felt like I couldn’t lose.  That something, or somebody, was there with me, helping me along, telling me I could do anything I wanted to, because I was strong.

I went to bed that night, confident that by the end of the next day, I would be walking away with my daughter in my arms, hers forever.

My lawyer, Gavin, picked me up the next morning, and we got to the court house a couple of hours before my scheduled time.  He said it made me look good, prepared, and I had to agree.  The Baxter’s weren’t even there yet, so I figured I had an advantage.  It was only an hour and a half later, when I saw them coming our way, their new lawyer behind them, that I started to feel the pressure again.  

I went into the nearest restroom, and splashed some water on my face, trying to calm myself down as much as I could.  I realized I was hyperventilating a little, my heart was beating furiously in my chest, and I felt sick to my stomach.  I really...I really needed Betsy then.  I pictured her in my mind, standing behind me, smiling, rubbing my shoulders, telling me that everything was fine.  That I had worked hard, and the judge would see that.  It made me feel better, but only slightly, because she wasn’t really there...

And I knew she wasn’t that same girl anymore.

“Justin.” Gavin stuck his head in the mens room and gave me a tight smile.  “Tammy just got here.  We’re waiting on you.”

It was time, and there was nothing else to do but hold my head high and go out there.  What came next, I knew, would be up to fate entirely.

Tammy hugged me when I got out there, and apologized that she hadn’t been in touch for a while.  Of course I didn’t blame her.  I knew how the business worked better than most people, and told her I was just glad she had come.  Gavin and Tammy briefed me after that, told me how things would work, and what I should say or do when I was asked questions by the judge, and the Baxter’s lawyer.  Trace came soon after that, sat me down and helped to calm my nerves like so many other times in the past.  I was thankful to have him there by my side, but I guess...I never doubted that he would be there for me.

Adam came next, joining in our conversation for a while, and Carter came last, his expression grim, and serious, like he’d just been through something.  Even when he forced a smile and wished me good luck, I could tell he was anything but okay.  I knew it had to do with Betsy, and that she obviously wasn’t coming.  I tried not to be disappointed, but I couldn’t help it.  I guess...I guess I thought she would have come to her senses and realized how important that day was.  It wasn’t just about me, it was about Ava too.  It was about all the hard work she’d done to get me this far, and she just...she was just blowing it off like it meant nothing.

I knew I would never be able to rely on her, for anything, ever again, and while that hurt, I’d been let down by others in my life so many times, that I knew how to pick myself up again, and move forward with my life.

So I did.

The hearing went by so fast.  One minute we were there, being asked to stand as the judge took his seat up high, and the next, I was on the witness stand, being asked questions by Gavin, spilling my heart out to the courtroom about everything I’d been through and everything I’d done to get Ava back.  Naturally, the Baxters lawyer came at me with his usual bullshit.  I was a drug addict, I couldn’t change, I was a high risk.  I was scum.  I didn’t let it tear me down.  I just answered his questions, keeping my daughter in the back of my mind, knowing I had to be strong for her.

It was only when they brought her into the courtroom that I started to get emotional.  Gavin told me it might happen.  That the judge might have wanted to hear her side of things since she was old enough to understand a lot of what was going on.  Audra brought her in, walking her up past the benches, and smiled at me as she led her up to the witness stand.  I was nervous for my girl.  I didn’t want them asking her too many questions or making her upset, but I had to keep my cool.  I knew it meant everything, hearing what she had to say.  The judge was going to take it into account.

“Hi Daddy,” Ava hissed it and waved, but everybody could hear her.  

I smiled softly, and held a finger to my lips, telling her to quiet down.  

“Hello, Ava.”

The Baxter’s slimy lawyer approached my daughter, and I had to literally sit on my hands to keep myself from doing something stupid.  

“Hi.”

“How have you been?”

She shrugged.  “Fine.”

“I heard that you’ve started taking riding lessons at the stables.  Is that true?”

She looked down at her lap, like she was ashamed.  She hadn’t told me, but it didn’t matter.  She wouldn’t have.  She didn’t want me to feel bad, because it was something I couldn’t afford.

“Is that true, Ava?”

“Yes,” she squeaked.  

“You like it, I’m sure.  You have your very own horse, don’t you?”

“Sarah said I could have him,” she said slowly, eyeing me a little bit.  I just smiled at her though, like I couldn’t have loved her more, and she seemed to calm down because of that.

“You know, Ava.”  The lawyer leaned up against the witness stand and smiled slightly.  “If you were to go live with your father, that horse wouldn’t be yours anymore.  You’d have to give him back to Mrs. Baxter.”

“I know that.”

“Wouldn’t you miss that? Having all that fun with the Baxters and their son?”

“Maybe,” she said softly.  “But my daddy needs me.  He needs somebody to take care of him and make him happy again.”

I laughed, and so did the rest of the courtroom, but I was still uneasy.  I knew how lawyers like that worked.  They could twist a childs words around, make them sound like whatever I could give Ava, would never be enough.

“Don’t you think that you’re too young to be looking after your father, Ava? Don’t you think it’s time that you let somebody with the means...give you the things you deserve?”

“Objection.” Gavin rolled his eyes.  “He’s leading an impressionable child, your honor.”

“Sustained.  Get to the point, Mr. Walkins.”

“Withdrawn.” He smiled slickly.  “Ava...who do you want to live with?  If the choice was yours, right now, what would you say?”

“I told you people already.” She rolled her eyes.  “I want to go home with my daddy.”

“What about if your daddy runs out of money, or food? Loses his job and starts doing bad things again?  Would you still want to live with him then?”

“I did before.  I can do it again.”

She smiled, but I knew how bad that sounded.

“Obviously, she’s too young to know what the best thing is for her your honor.  No further questions.”

The slime bucket returned to his seat and started whispering to the Baxters with a sick smile on his face.

I felt beat, but a small pat on the shoulder from my lawyer told me to keep my head up, because it was his turn.  He got up, and greeted my daughter warmly, stood in front of her so the slime bucket lawyer couldn’t intimidate her anymore.

“Ava, you’ve missed your father haven’t you?”

She sighed.  “I miss him every day.”

“And your mother.  What happened to her?”

She looked down at her lap, and my heart skipped a beat.  I didn’t want her to have to remember that, even though Gavin probably had a plan.  I wanted to get up then, shout at them all to leave her alone, that she was just a kid and didn’t need to be tortured like that.  But I couldn’t.  It would ruin my chances and so I just sat there, my head in my hands.

“She went to heaven,” I heard Ava say.  “She got sick.”

“So then...your daddy...he’s really the only person left, then.  Your only real family.”

“Yeah.”

“And you want to be with him, so you can keep your family together, is that right?”

“I just want to be with my daddy.  The Baxters are nice and all...but...but it’s not the same.  They aren’t funny like him and they don’t know how to listen to my stories like he does.”

“Do you think you would be sad, if the judge said you had to go live with the Baxters today?”

“I won’t go.” She said it firmly.  “I wont and you can’t make me.”  She pointed at the judge with pouty lips.  “I want my daddy you meanie!”

She stuck her tongue out at the judge, who sat back and narrowed his eyes at her, like any grandparent type would.  “That’s enough young lady.”

More laughter ensued but I just sighed as I felt a single tear glide down my face.  She was a character, definitely my kid. I felt terrible for her, how confused she probably was, and I knew I would feel even worse if the judge decided that she didn’t need to be with me after all.

“No further questions.”

Gavin sat down and gave my shoulder another reassuring rub as he laughed.  I just stared at Ava.  She was excused quickly, helped down off the stand by Audra, and led out of the courtroom.  Ava blew a kiss at me, and I pretended to catch it, forcing a smile for her before she vanished from view.

“Judge, I would like the court to take into account the fragile state of mind of the child.  Surely, she needs a stricter presence in her life with that type of disregard for authority,” Mr. Walkins said quickly.

I rolled my eyes.

But so did the judge.  He was the same judge that Eli had persuaded to only grant me monthly visitation, and I wasn’t sure what his game was, but I was glad that he wasn’t exactly siding with Mr. Walkins.  “A bit of childish antics aren’t such a bad thing, coming from a ten year old, Mr. Walkins.”

He sat back down.

Audra re-entered the courtroom after a moment, and was called forward by the judge to give her assessment of my case file.  It was Betsy’s account of events, I knew it was, right up until the home inspection.  I closed my eyes as she read the words off of her notepad, picturing Betsy writing them, knowing there was love there, when she wrote it.

I think that was the biggest thing that saved me, that stuff she wrote.  It was the woman I knew, not the woman she’d turned into, and I felt that longing.  The one that told me how much I really did love her, how much I needed her.  But I knew...I knew that was all over.

I couldn’t dwell on it anymore.

“...At this time, the state highly recommends that the minor be placed in the sole custody and care of Mr. Timberlake.”  Audra looked at me as she finished, and closed her notes up, smiling at me with tears in her eyes.

“Does the state have anything else they would like to point out to the court?” The judge asked.

“We do not your honor.”

“Very well.”

Audra took her seat and I stared up at the judge then.  He was looking over my file, just like the old always did.  There was a lump in my throat the size of a baseball, and I loosened my tie a bit, because I was starting to sweat a lot and I couldn’t breathe.

“I’ll take a short recess,” the judge spoke up as he removed his reading glasses.  “And will announce my decision when I return.”

He slammed his gavel down.

When he left, I went into the bathroom and hurled up my breakfast.

Trace came in, because he knew exactly what I was doing, and made sure I drank some fluids before he got me back into the courtroom.  

“Whatever happens, J, I know you’ll be okay.  You can re-file for custody.  Gavin’s good. We’ll fight this thing until they get sick of us and give in.”  He smiled.

“I know...I...I know, Trace.”  I smiled back.  “Thanks.”

He patted my shoulder, and then...then the judge reemerged.  

“Get her back, J.” He nodded, and then went to take his seat again.

I did the same, and Gavin casually whispered at me to relax as the judge took his seat and brought the court to order.

“I’ve made my decision,” he sighed, and looked between myself, and the Baxters.  They were smiling, naturally, thought their ultra expensive lawyer and money had sealed the deal long ago.

I started to pray.  To ask Deb to look out for us, to help us.  

“The child will need proper care.  Something she’s been denied for most of her life,” the judge began, seriously.  “Drugs, and homelessness, should never be a part of any childs life, but unfortunately, in this case, both of those things have played a major part in this childs life for many years.  She was left in the care of an irresponsible young man who was barely an adult himself.  Who can we blame in this instance? Who’s fault is it really? There is no one person to blame.  The reason we are here, is to ensure the welfare of this young lady will never be compromised again.  That’s the most important thing.”

I felt it.  That’d I’d lost.  Everything inside of me, started to crumble, and I rubbed my face with my hands, trying so hard not to lose it.  After everything, after how hard I worked, the judge could only sense that I would turn into a junkie again.  He was wrong though.  So wrong but...but there was nothing I could say.  It wasn’t my place to at that point.

“However.”

I looked up.

“I have reviewed this file many times.  It’s more than obvious, Mr. Timberlake, that you have worked extremely hard to create a loving, healthy, environment for your daughter.  You’ve also remained sober, obtained a job, kept it, and are well liked by your peers.  It’s been a drastic change in your life, young man, and if nothing else, you should be proud of your accomplishments.  My biggest issue, has been trying to determine if you would ever be tempted to go back to your old ways.  The Baxter’s, naturally, have never been in trouble with the law, have all the means to take care of Ava well into adulthood, and secure her with the finest schools and the best college education, among other things.”

I nodded.  I understood, and I was prepared for the worst.  It was going to come down to money.

It always did.

“My decision had been made for some time,” he continued.  “Until that little lady sat up there and stuck her tongue out at me.  I feel that...if I did award this child to her potential adoptive family, she would lose that light, that vibrate energy inside of her, and no child should ever be forced to be unhappy.  Therefore, it is my decision, that this child be placed in the custody and care of her father, permanently.  Parental rights are reinstated.  Adjourned.”

The gavel slammed down, and he smiled at me, before leaving the bench.

I just sat there at first, while my friends erupted into cheers from behind me.  Gavin shook me a little bit, shouting excitedly in my ear, while my mouth just hung open.

I just...I just couldn’t believe it.

“DADDY! DADDY! DADDY!’

Somebody had let my daughter in, and she ran to me before I could get to her, bursting through the gate that separated the benches and the courtroom floor, and throwing herself into my arms. I scooped her up, and I cried.  I couldn’t help it.  I just cried so hard into my baby, because I loved her, and she...she was mine again.

“Don’t cry, daddy.” She grinned when I was finally able to look into her face again.  “We’re going home now, right?”

“Yeah.”  I sniffled, and kissed her face all over.  “We are.”

I carried her out of there, my friends behind me, and I didn’t look back.  

I haven’t looked back since.  Just moved forward with our lives, determined to make it the best it can be, so my daughter will never have a reason to be so withdrawn from society ever again.  It’s been a few weeks.  Ava’s adjusting well, just started school a few blocks from here.  I walk here there every morning, and pick her up every day.  Carter’s adjusted my schedule at the bank so I’m always there for her, and my pay stays the same. Her teacher is really nice, very open to the situation.  She’s made it clear that I can talk to her about anything, any time I feel the need, and that’s good.  It makes me feel better, knowing I can trust somebody that sees Ava every single day.

I feel new.  I feel...I feel like a person.  Like the man I would have been if I didn’t get wrapped up in drugs.  I’m not stupid like I always thought I was.  I’m actually a smart guy with a lot of logic when it comes to working hard.  I learn quickly, and I’m excelling at the bank every day.  Carter has convinced me to take some business management courses down at the community college.  I’ll go to a class a couple of nights at week, leave Ava at Carter’s house, and possibly advance at the bank when I finish.  It would be good.  It would mean a promotion and more money, and Carter tells me I can start saving for a down payment on a house for us when that happens.  That he’ll help me with the loan when the time comes.

I’m on top of the world.

There’s just one thing missing.  It’s her.

She’s gone.

She’s been gone for about a month now.  No explanation, no note, she just left that condo and didn’t look back, didn’t call...didn’t care. Carter broke down shortly after we found out she was really gone, told me they had a fight the day of my hearing, that she pushed him away and that he left because of it.  Nobody holds it against him, but I can tell he feels guilty about it.  He’s worried sick but he’s been trying to hold himself together.  If it wasn’t for his family I don’t know where he’d be.  

Of course I’m worried about where’s she’s at, what she’s doing, what kind of people she’s met.   I know she’s lost herself, that she’s out of her mind right now.  It scares me, because I don’t know where she would go, and Betsy isn’t cut out for the streets.  If anybody would know that, it’s me.  

“This one!”

I sigh and smile at her as I take the box of cereal from her hands and look at it.  “Magic Mallows, huh?”  

“It’s alllll marshmallows shaped like magic hats and stars and it has little sugar puffs, daddy.” Ava informs me, expertly.  “Can we try it? Please?”

Grocery shopping immediately became a sacred past time for us when we started doing it.  It occurred to both of us I think, that in our old lives, we’d never done it, because the money was never there.  It’s kind of fun, going to the store with her, now that we’ve gotten a pattern down.  That first shopping trip, I bought more candy and sugar coated cereal than actual food.  Marilyn laughed at me when she, Carter and the kids were at my place one night for dinner and could only find cereal and candy in my kitchen.  She taught me how to make a normal shopping list, after that, budgeted to the amount I wanted to spend, and also taught me how to clip coupons for the things I bought all the time.  It worked.  We have plenty of food now.  Sometimes Ava will pout when I tell her something she wants isn’t in the budget, but as I’ve learned, saying no is part of parenting too.

I just hate saying it though.  

“Those Frosted Flakes have a bigger box for the same price, baby doll.”  I hand it back to her.  “We got the cupcakes you like, remember?”

She scowls.  “Ohhh! But Daddy!”

“Ava.”  I narrow my eyes at her.  It’s the same look the judge gave her on the stand that day, and I’ve learned quickly that it works well.

“Fine.”  She plops it down.

I laugh and drape my arm around her, rubbing her shoulder a bit to get her mind off it. “Go and get the Frosted Flakes, okay?”

She smiles and happily does it, completely forgetting about her beloved marshmallow cereal in seconds.  I laugh when she puts the box in the cart and starts skipping off towards the end of the aisle.  “Juice child!” I call out as I glance at my list, in a stupid ass voice.  “Yonder round the bend!”

“Aye aye!”

She races around the corner, and I step up my pace so I don’t lose her to the toy aisle or something.  I find her in the right place, thankfully, talking to somebody that I’ve never seen before.  I frown a little, and walk over, my protective instincts taking over automatically.  “Ava.”  I call out, with warning in my voice.

“Daddy it’s Miss Valerie!” She turns and smiles as she points at the smiling woman in front of her.  “From my school!”

“Oh...” I trail off and feel my cheeks get a little red.  It sucks.  I still haven’t learned to calm down, to get it out of my head that the rest of the world isn’t out to take my daughter away.  “Sorry.  Hi...”

“You must be Justin.” She laughs a little and shakes my hand.  “I’m Valerie Watts, the new teachers aid.”

“Oh...oh yeah, Mrs. Hicks was telling me she just got a new one.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you finally.  I hear fifty stories about you a day from your little chatterbox.”

I blush and laugh, glancing at Ava who has become distracted by the selection of Juicy Juice, as I let go of Valerie’s hand.  She’s nice, real young...kind of pretty...blonde.  I don’t usually go for blondes but there’s something about her.  I guess it’s her smile.  It’s real genuine, one in a million.  I feel like I can trust her, and right now, there’s nothing more important to me.  “Yeah...well...we’re kind of obsessed with each other.  If I took the bus, I’d be one of those people who would force you to see all the pictures I had on me of Ava.”

“My Gram does that.” She rolls her eyes.  “Tells everybody about her college educated grand kids...all that.  One day I’ll do it too, I’m sure.  How um...how is everything going at home?  Mrs. Hicks told me a little bit about Ava...I hope you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.”  I’m used to it of course, and since she sees Ava everyday, I’d prefer her to know her backstory.  “It’s going pretty good, you know...she gets mad at the normal stuff.  She can’t have a certain toy or cereal and she gets pouty but nothing major.  She’s a strong kid, she’s always been.  I think she likes school too.  She doesn’t complain, except when she doesn’t feel like doing her homework.”

“What kid likes doing homework,” she chuckles.

“Exactly.  You sure you want to be a teacher?”

She laughs.  “I always said I wouldn’t be one of those homework kind of teachers, until I learned why it’s given.  I want to be fun though, you know? I want to make it fun and exciting for them.”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll work out,” I smile.  “Ava’s a pretty good judge of character.”

“So if she likes me that means I shouldn’t pick a different career then?”r32;

“I wouldn’t.”

We both laugh.

“Well, maybe I’ll see you around,” she says, as she goes to get the cart that’s been resting behind her.  “I’m usually outside after class.  I work the after school program, chasing small children around the playground.  It’s a gopher job, and extra check, until I get my degree. Come find me sometime.  It’ll save me from talking to eight year old boys all afternoon.”

“Maybe I will,” I smirk.

“See you.  Bye Ava!”

“Bye Miss Valerie!”  She runs up to our cart again, and puts her juice selection inside, waving to her teacher as she laughs and walks away from us.  “She’s really nice.  She always helps me when I have a question, daddy.”
r32;“Yeah?”  I smile and pat her on the head as I stare after Valerie until I can’t see her anymore.

No.  No time for women.  I have to focus on Ava...yeah.

You have to live your life too, Justin.  I want you to be happy.

C’mon Deb.  Not now.  

But if not now, when? Betsy is fucking gone, gone, and she’s not coming back.

Maybe it’s time to start living some more, to move on.  Ava is practically settled, is doing great with me, and...she needs that female presence in her life.  Of course it wouldn’t happen right away, but a date once in awhile, with a female other than my daughter might do me some good.

Maybe I’ll go see her sometime.

Maybe it’ll be good.

“Come on daddy! Ice cream!”

“Get the sale brand!” I smile, laugh, and follow my daughter into the abyss of the grocery store.

Life doesn’t get better than this.