“Stop biting your nails.”

But I can’t.

This is it.  The day I was working my ass off to prepare for.  Now it doesn’t even matter, because I’m currently unemployed thanks to a self righteous asshole that couldn’t have cared less what happened to me.  I had a shot.  My boss was willing to give me a test run that night, let me serve some elite’s their wine, and I was excited...until all hell broke loose.

I wish I could find that guy, because I’d kill him.  I would.

He’s probably the one person that’s going to keep me from my daughter.

“I’m going to lose her forever.  She’ll probably term my rights today.”

“You have that interview tomorrow.  She’ll have to cut you some slack.  You can’t help that some asshole decided to play around with you and get you fired.”

“If I hadn’t lost my temper...”

“It was a little extreme, J,” Trace laughs.  “I probably would have done the same thing.”

He makes excuses because he’s my best friend, but I know the truth.  The truth is I should have held my tongue, just cleaned up the mess and gone back to work because I’m positive I would still have a job right now if I did, and if I had a job, I would be getting my supervised visitation back today.  

Now it’s like...fuck, I’m right back where I started, at rock bottom.

It’s not fair, makes me want to shove a needle in my arm and forget...

But know I can’t.  I can’t turn back.

“Justin, they’re ready for you.”

My social worker smiles as she opens the door for us, and Trace nudges me out of my seat when I don’t move a muscle.  I stand up, stare straight ahead for a few moments, seeing the empty courtroom just waiting for me.

Waiting to shut me down like it has so many times before.

“Come on, lets get this done.”  Trace puts his hand on my shoulder and gently guides me forward.

Then I’m in the courtroom, and my social worker instructs me to sit down next to her at the table beyond the courtroom benches.  I do it silently, slug down two glasses of water, and look back over my shoulder at Trace, who forces a smile and mouths ‘good luck’ to me.

I know I’m alone, and it’s up to me to convince this judge that I’m not a bad person...that I deserve to see my daughter again.

One little slip...one fucking arrogant asshole could cost me this whole thing, and that’s ridiculous.  Nobody should be able to shut me down like that guy did at the restaurant, and if Frank would have given me ten minutes to explain the situation, I’m sure he would have understood why I lost my temper.

His clients money was a lot more important than my personal life though.  I guess I should understand.  If I had a business, and my employee called a client a piece of shit, I probably wouldn’t tolerate it either, but it’s like fuck...that guy was just out to get me, get anybody that he could just because he had money.

I wasn’t going to put up with that, after everything else life had dealt me.

When they tossed me out of the restaurant, I saw him sitting in his flashy car too, all cozy with his girlfriend.  I felt like a piece of shit then, but I guess...that was probably his intent.  She was staring at me too...the girlfriend.  It was like she was sorry I had to go through all of that, but...she didn’t try to defend me.  So in reality, she’s as guilty as her asshole of a boyfriend.

Those elite Hollywood people are all the same.  You can’t trust them, because they’ll stab you in the back or make you look like an asshole just to get a laugh.

My probation officer got me a job interview a couple of days after I was fired.  He was disappointed that I lost my cool, but like Trace, he understood and said what happened to me wasn’t fair.  He was prepared to call and grovel to get my job back, but I told him I didn’t want it back.  Too much bad blood isn’t good in the workplace, and I told him that.  I also told him I would take any job he could get me, and so, he found an opening with a painting company.  They go around to businesses and homes and paint the exteriors and interiors.  I can do that...I know I can.

But they have to give me the job first, and as of today, I can’t guarantee that they will.

“I tried to clean up as much of that restaurant episode as I could so it would look decent on paper,” Tammy, my social worker, whispers while we wait for the judge to come out.  

“How clean did you get it?”

“I...did my best.”

I sigh, look down at my lap.  I know that means things don’t look good for me, but I can’t blame her.  I know she tries hard, because she likes me...for whatever reason.  “Thanks for trying.”

“She might give you a break, Justin.  Don’t lose hope yet.”

“She hates me,” I laugh.  “She’s always hated me.”

“You’re not the same arrogant kid you were a few years ago,” she reminds me.  “I’ve seen the change in you, and I made note of it in your case file.  She has to take that into account.  At this juncture I don’t see why you shouldn’t be granted supervised visitation.  You’re making an effort to change yourself...you’ve just had some bad luck, that’s all.”

“Really bad luck.”

“Whatever the outcome, we’ll work on your interview presentation over dinner, deal?  Getting that job means one step closer to seeing Ava if the judge won’t grant you visitation today.”

I sigh.

“Justin.”

“Yeah...fine we can go over it.”

She pats my shoulder.  I’m not reassured at all.  

“Just don’t swear at her like you did the last time around.”

I chuckle.  That was a bad decision, but the bitch deserved it.

“All rise.”

I think it’s so stupid that we have to do it, because there’s five of us here.  The court reporter, me, Tammy, Trace, and the child welfare worker who is just determined to keep me from my daughter.  I hate her, even though I’ve never met her before.  There’s a different one every time.  They never know me, and I really don’t think that’s fair.  I think in order to stand there and tell a judge that someone is unfit to parent, you should at least have coffee with them beforehand.  When you have coffee with somebody, you can find out what they’re all about in about an hour.  Of course, the state of California doesn’t believe in things like that.

“The honorable Judge Shaller presiding.”

She takes a seat on her high throne, and stares me down through her thin spectacles.  She reminds me of my ninth grade history teacher.  Strict, and bitchy, for no reason at all.  If I got close to her, I’m sure she would smell like chalk and coffee too...but I’ll keep my distance.

I might strangle her otherwise.

“Be seated.”

We all do it, and I watch her intently as she opens a folder on her desk that I just know is full of my life’s history, and my current situation.

“Well, Mr. Timberlake,” she sighs and shows me a tight smile as she looks up from the folder.  “We meet again.”

I just nod, but Tammy nudges me, and forces me to speak up.  “Yes, ma’am.”

She looks back down at the file again, and shakes her head slightly.  “You’ve been slipping up again, I see.  Freshly unemployed, and still without a permanent residence.”

“The job wasn’t...”

But she silences me.  “I’ll let Ms. Collins take the floor first, then your social worker can say her piece.”

I cross my arms, frustrated as I lean back in my chair.

“Relax,” Tammy whispers.

But I can’t.  It’s so fucking unfair.  I just want to yell, scream, do something to stop what I know is about to happen.

“Thank you judge.”

I look up to see who is about to tear me apart.

And I just...I just can’t believe it.

It’s like a slap in the damn face, and all I want to do is get the hell out of here.

“The minor currently resides at Five Acres Center for Children.  Since her induction, she’s been attending classes regularly, and her grade point average has increased fifty percent.  The state has found it is in her best interest to remain at the facility rather than a foster home, until a suitable adoptive family is located.  She has been very social, talkative, and happy in general compared to her past mental state.  We do not feel it is in the best interest of the child, to reintroduce her father into her life during this mentally fragile developmental stage.”

My jaw drops open, and I begin to tug furiously at Tammy’s arm.  “You never said anything about adoption!”  I almost yell it, but stop myself.  “What the hell...Tammy!”

“Just wait a minute,” she grits out.  

I rub my face with my hands.  Honestly, I never thought it would come down to this.  How can they just...just try to give my kid away without my consent?

Oh yeah, because I barely have any rights to her anymore.  Once they strip your kid away from you, that’s it.  You have no say, just gotta hope that they’ll have some compassion.

But they don’t give a damn about me, and Ms. Collins over there? Yeah, she’s just some arrogant rich bitch who’s boyfriend got me fired.  

Damn, it’s like, I can really say it’s her fault that we’re here like this.

God, I want to rip her apart.  I wish like hell that I could.

“Are there any prospective families at this time?” The judge asks.

“We’ve found several couples who have fallen in love with Ava.  The state only needs your consent to get the paperwork started, your honor.  Complete termination of parental rights is requested at this time.”

I hold my breath, waiting for her to say‘granted’, and end my life right here and now.

“Miss Sommers,” the judge nods at Tammy.

Now it’s her turn, and I’m hoping like hell that she earns her paycheck today.

“Judge, I’d like to focus not on the current situation with Mr. Timberlake, but on his file as a whole.  Since his release from prison, he has submitted himself to therapy, gotten a sponsor, and remained sober.  As we all know, the job market isn’t what it used to be, especially for ex prisoners.  While Mr. Timberlake may not have a job at the moment, he did hold down one at a local restaurant for six months while trying his best to seek other work.  He has become a model citizen, and I truly feel that he should be able to have supervised visitation reinstated, if nothing else, at this time.”

I look over at that Collins Chick.  She’s not looking at me, just at her notes, smiling pleasantly to herself as if she’s already got this thing won.  

“You seem to forget, Miss Sommers, that your client also verbally bashed an innocent customer at that restaurant, possibly destroying the owners reputation for quite some time.  What type of example is that for a child?”

“Again, we are not asking for reinstated custody, just supervised visitation.  Mr. Timberlake has not slipped back into narcotics, and I think for that he should be granted some compassion.”

The judge just sighs, and sits back in her chair.

I feel eyes boring into my head now, and when I look over...I find that the Collins Chick is looking at me now, her eyes wide.

And I know she remembers me now.

“Look, can I say something?”

Everybody looks towards the back of the courtroom.  Trace is standing up now, hands shoved in his pockets, making an attempt to defend me.  Only, nobody is going to listen, but I smile at him anyway, because he’s the only person in this room who actually gives a damn what happens today.

“Who are you?” The judge says.

“I’m Justin’s sponsor.  I just want you to know that Justin really is trying, and I wouldn’t just say that.  The only reason he got fired from that restaurant is because some arrogant idiot decided to mess with him.  So he lost it? So what? We all do!  I would have done the same thing!  You know, you take his kid, and you expect him to do miracles.  Give the guy a break.  He can’t always be mentally stable.”

Tammy smacks her forehead.

I’m done for.  Trace, God love him, he’s not the best public speaker.

“I mean...I mean he is...mentally stable, most of the time.  It’s just sometimes...you know...”

“Trace...stop...it.”  Tammy hisses.

He just nods quickly, and sits back down.  I turn back around again to face the judge soon after, and watch her intently as she sits in her chair and continues to look at my file.

“Well, since we’ve heard from everyone else...Mr. Timberlake, do you have anything to say?” She finally asks.

Well shit, she’s never done this before, and I’m completely unprepared.  I rack my mind for the right words, anything I can say that will prove I love my daughter, and I’m capable of taking care of her.

“Justin.” Tammy whispers, nudging me again.  “Say something.”

“I...um...” I lick my lips.  “I guess I agree with Tammy and Trace, and...not because it’s what you want to hear.  I mean, I’m sober.  I’m sober for the first time since I was seventeen, and I don’t really think you can understand how amazing that feels but...it does.  I’m a different person now.  I just need a chance here, your honor.  It may not seem like it to you but I do love my daughter, but nobody seems to want me to be around her at all.  I’m really sorry that I fucked up.  I mean, it happens, you know? But I’d like another chance at this, before you just...hand her over to some strangers.”

Silence.

I sit back down.

“That was good,” I hear Tammy say.

I can’t even look at her, though.  I’m too scared.  Scared that the judge will just scatter my pleas to the wind just like Miss Collins over there.

Stupid bitch.

The judge takes her time, ponders what I’ve said for a long time, before saying anything more. Then she sits straight up in her chair like I’ve seen her do so many time before, and I know...

I know she’s made a decision.

“You’ve had faults, Mr. Timberlake, that’s a given, and your living situation at this time, is unsatisfactory in this courts eyes.  That said, I do not see a reason to terminate your parental rights at this time.  I am willing to reinstate the supervised visitation for six months, as long as you abide by the following.  You must seek out and find a stable job within that time frame, as well as obtain suitable living conditions.  If these conditions are met, I will consider allowing you back full custody of the minor in question pending a formal hearing on the matter.  However, if these conditions are not met, I will be forced to hand over full custody of the minor to the state, and terminate your parental rights.  Are we clear?”

“Yes...yes...” I trail off and suck in a long breath, so I don’t start sobbing like a fool.  “Thank you...thank you so much.”

“Adjourned.”  She slams her gavel down, smirks at me very quickly, and then walks out of the courtroom.

Tammy shrieks and I get up and hug her tight.  I can’t believe it.  Just like that...even after the Collins Chick stood there and berated me to high heaven, the judge decided to give me a break.  A short one of course.  I mean, I have to work hard the next six months...but I can do it...

Ava will get me through it, make me stronger.

I can’t wait to see her.  Fuck, I need a new outfit...gotta get her something too.

“See! I knew it would work out buddy!” Trace grins as he steps up to me and throws his arms around me in a celebratory hug.  “We did it!”

“Yeah, no thanks to you...Justin's mentally unstable,” I laugh.  “Idiot.”

“Hey I think it might have made you look saner when you spoke.  You sounded good...real intellectual and shit.”

“Trace, next hearing you’re waiting outside,” Tammy laughs.

“Congratulations, Mr. Timberlake.”

The three of turn to face her...Collins Chick.  I can tell she’s pissed that her plans for my kid were spoiled...but as for me, I haven’t smiled this much in a long time.

“Karma’s a bitch I guess,” I say to her.  “How’s your prick boyfriend?”

Trace and Tammy look at me, completely bewildered.

She scowls at me.  “Your first visit is Saturday.  I’ll be out front of your home at eight sharp.  If you’re late, I’ll report it.”

She storms away.

I look at Tammy.  “What’s she talking about?”

“Well..she has to escort you.  She’s going to be supervising those visits.  It’s her job.  And by the way, you better be explaining that comment you just made to her, or I really will kill you.”

“That goes for me too,” Trace says.

Fucking great.  Just when I thought things were going to be fine, that I was getting my little girl back and I’d be back on my feet in no time...

Now I have to deal with the Collins Chick from hell, and it’s so fucking surreal.  I mean what the hell are the odds?

I guess nothing can ever be perfect, no matter how hard you try.