“Let’s go, Betsy.”

I sit up in bed as he hands me my usual morning cocktail of pills in a little plastic cup, along with a glass of water.  I take each pill, one by one, and he inspects the inside my mouth when I’m done with his little flashlight, to ensure I’ve swallowed them all. 

“You left your laundry in the dryer again,” he says, as he takes the empty water glass from me.  “Marilyn said she needs to wash some clothes before tonight.”

He’s moved to the doorway now, and is fixing his tie, his expression grim, and full of disappointment, as always.  It’s the third Saturday of the month, Carter’s turn to run the weekend shift at the bank, and I can tell already that he’d rather be home, keeping an eye on me instead.  “Oh...” I smooth a strand of hair back behind my ear.  “Sorry.  I’ll get it in a minute, Carter.”

“I don’t want my wife to be picking up after you anymore.  I had to stop her this morning.  That’s just being lazy on your part, and I won’t tolerate it.”

“Okay.”r32;

“You’re not even dressed yet.  I want you to take a shower, Betsy.  Make sure you put on some clean clothes too.  Nothing off your floor or out of the hamper. Then go get your laundry, fold it, and put it away.”

I just nod. 

“After you do all that, I want you to help Marilyn with some housework until I get home.  The top of the mantle needs to be dusted and the guest bathroom needs to be cleaned.  You can do that.  Make sure you’re thorough.  I want the bathroom floor mopped.  It’s the least you can do, considering she’s putting this thing together for you at the last minute.”

“Okay...fine.”

“Make sure you thank her.”

“I thanked her last night.”

“Thank her again,” he says, bitterly.

“Fine.  I’ll thank her again, Carter.”

“Don’t forget to remind Marilyn to give you your meds at noon, and make sure you take them with food.  I’ll count the pills when I get back.  The dose better be gone, and don’t even think about trying to ditch it.  I’m giving her the flashlight.”  He scowls, shoves his hands into his pockets, and stalks off.

“Have a great day.” I mutter it to myself, and after a few moments, I force myself to get up and start moving.  As much as I hate the way he just spoke to me, I know if he wasn’t so blunt, I’d probably just lay in bed all day, neglecting my shower and clean change of clothes.

It’s pathetic.

I’ve been home for a week, have been on my best behavior, done whatever he’s asked me.  Despite my efforts, he’s still angry, so angry at me, and he treats me like a child, every day.

I don’t think he’ll ever stop being angry at me, though, and that’s my own fault, because I’ve spun him around in circles this year, too many times.  He wouldn’t throw me out, no matter how bad the situation was, and...it was very, very bad.  The part of him that’s still trying to protect me from the rest of the world, like when we were kids, refuses to give up on me.  It’s the only part of him that I have left, and I know that this is my last chance to make everything up to him.  I know if I fail, he’ll slip away, forever, and I couldn’t take that...even though, in the past, I was sure I could make it through life without my brother.

He should have thrown me out the second time around, left me to fend for myself, because I was hopeless.

I’m still hopeless, only, I’m sober now.  Clean, for the first time in almost a year.  He’s not concerned about that though.  He’s only concerned about making sure I stay this way, and he’ll breathe down my neck like this, control everything I do, for quite some time, to ensure it.  I know, somewhere inside of him, he’s still my Carter.  My brother, my best friend...

I just have no idea when I’ll be able to get that part of him back.  It upsets me a lot, but most things upset me these days.  That’s why I’m on all these meds.  Anti depressants, mood stabilizers, pills that help me sleep, and pills that prevent my drug cravings from coming back.  They all make me feel weird, sometimes I get sick from them, but mostly, they cause me to be in this weird daze.  I smile, but I don’t feel it, but that’s okay, because everybody else sees it as “Betsy is doing okay.” My shrink advised us about the side effects of all the medication before she wrote the prescriptions, of course.  Said I wouldn’t be myself part of the time, but that I’d be regulated.  Carter said it was fine, that he could handle it, and monitor my dosage like he’s supposed to.  He doesn’t care how I feel on the meds, he just wants me to be his sister again. 

The one that’s not a drug addict.

I’ve scared the crap out of him.  He came so close to losing me, and I know he’s messed up because of that, but he’ll never admit it.  I won’t push him about it.  It’s my fault, after all. 

All of this is my fault.

I spent a week alone in a hotel room with my brother once he bailed me out of prison.  The police cut him a deal, giving him a week to find me a place to go, before they would step in and put me in a state facility.  He didn’t leave me alone for a moment, but I was so messed up then that I couldn’t have gone anywhere anyway.  I was going through a horrible withdrawal period that consisted of vomiting, diarrhea, and muscle aches that were so bad, I would literally be screaming from the pain.  Carter did the best he could to help me, got advice from some people over the phone. Thinking back now, I know one of them could have very well been Justin.  I mean, he would have known what to do better than most, and I was sure they still talked.  Carter put me in a hot bath to soothe my aches, and mixed up a special concoction that tasted horrible, but helped with the nausea and diarrhea.  By the end of that week, he had found a suitable, affordable place to put me into rehab and brought me there, not hesitating when they took me in and asked him to leave.

It’s in Riverside, which is about an hour from here.  The people there were okay I guess, but during those first thirty days, I barely made a connection with any of them.  I was catatonic again, too busy worrying about getting another fix, worrying about...Preston, about the horrific shit I’d been through.  By the time that first trial run was over, they told me I wasn’t ready to go home.  They kept me there for ninety days, and Carter was fine with that.  He visited a lot, sometimes he would even bring Marilyn.  Once, he even brought Lucas and Ashley, and it was nice...to see them, but I could tell they knew I wasn’t the aunt they loved anymore.  It broke my heart, made me want to try so hard to get clean.

When ninety days was up, they let me go home.  I moved back to Carters.  He was a little more upbeat then, ready to help me with the next stage of my recovery.  I was under house arrest, as a term of my probation.  Wasn’t allowed to be out past seven pm, and the furthest I could go from home was the place that I was to start serving community service.  A five mile drive to the DMV, where I would clean the bathrooms and sweep the floors for six hours a day.

I wasn’t ready for it.  That night, as I laid in bed, the thoughts seemed to take over my mind immediately.  They told me I needed the drugs, that it was vital.  That heroin was my life now and I had no choice, if I wanted to forget all the horrible things that had happened.

So I ran away, snuck out the window in the middle of the night.  I got some smack together and went on a binge, getting picked up by the police the next day, as I staggered around the streets, high as a kite.  I was so stupid, completely forgetting about the tracking device attached to my ankle, recording my every move.  They didn’t throw me in jail, though.  My lawyer came before they could, with Carter by his side.  He was furious this time, enraged, not my brother anymore.  I was thrown back into rehab for another two months.  Carter came to visit once, told me how things were going to go, that if I was going to continue on like I was, he wasn’t going to help me anymore.

So I decided to compromise, got involved with my therapy and started to feel better.  I was released, with praise from my counselors, after two months.  They said I’d done so well and come so far.  Carter forced fake smiles for them all, but in the car, he was stone cold, seemed not to care if I was happy or not.  He took me to my shrink the very next day, and I’ve seen her every day since.  She’s not so bad, pretty nice.  I’ve starting to talk to her a little more about Preston each time I go.  We started slow, talking about the drugs first.  I think she knew she had to do that, or I might have lost my mind.

My probation has been extended due to my little escapade.  My house arrest won’t end until late next year, and after that, I’ll still have probation for another couple of years.  My life, as I knew it, is over.  Now it’s just come down to this.  Stuck in a house with my brother, his wife, and their kids, being told what to do and how to live, without any say at all, for fear of losing the only family I have.

Marilyn is different about all of this.  When Carter isn’t around, throwing in his two cents, she’s really nice, makes me feel comforted.  It was her idea to have a little welcome home party for me tonight.  She just...wants me to feel better, welcomed here I guess.  But most of all, I think she’s trying to mend Carter’s relationship with me, because she can tell what a wreck he is right now.

I just wish she would realize how hopeless her cause is.  Carter won’t come around until he’s ready, and right now...I don’t think he has any reason to.

I’m a failure.

I shower and change, get my clothes folded and put away, clean the bathroom like he told me to, and manage to remember my medication at noon.  Marilyn gives me my pills with some egg and cheese sandwiches, and I make sure to thank her.  She tells me I shouldn’t thank her, that she wants to do these things for me.  Then she starts chattering away about the party tonight, and all the neat decorations she’s going to hang.  She makes sure to check my mouth for any stray pills, as always, and then tells me she wants me to go relax until my party.

“Well...Carter wanted me to help...dust and things like that.”

“I’ll handle Carter,” she says, huffing in frustration.  “You just go and have a nice afternoon to yourself, Betsy.  You deserve it.”

“Well...well I...”

“I’m not taking no for an answer,” she smiles, and shoos me out of the kitchen, before concentrating her efforts on the kids, who are running around outside in the backyard.

I decide to do as she says, although, I know that Carter will berate me for it, no matter what, if he finds out. 

I go into my bedroom, flop down on the bed and stare at the ceiling.  The medication starts to take hold, makes me a little sleepy, and I decide to take advantage, and doze off.  When I wake up again, I see him there, in the doorway.  He’s not looking at me, just at the door jam, is lips pursed together in annoyance.

“Hey.”

He looks at me.  “How long were you asleep?”

“I dunno.”

“Well you were supposed to help with the party stuff,” he tells me.

I shrug.  “The pills made me tired.”

He’s silent.  “Oh.”

I rub my hands over my face and through my hair.  It’s dried since my shower, feels nice and clean between my fingers.  It’s a newer sensation.  It’s been a long time.  “I’ll...I can help...what do you need?”

He shakes his head slowly.  “No...nothing...” He trails off and sighs.  “Betsy I...if I’m hard on you, it’s only because...because I want you to get better.”

Marilyn got to him.  I’m sure of it.  “I know that.”

“You know I don’t hate you, don’t you?”

I stare at him.  It’s news to me, but...I know it was never his intention to make me feel this way.  “I...I guess but...but Carter you’re so angry at me.”

“You’re right,” he nods, and slowly makes his way into the room, over to the bed, and hesitates for a moment before he sits beside me.

It’s been so long, since he’s wanted to be this close to me. 

“Carter I’m...I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to...to all of this to you. I just...”

“No...don’t.”  He shakes his head.  “It’s not worth it.”

I’m silent, sit back against the wall.

“I’m trying to forgive you, Bets,” he whispers.  “I just...I just don’t know how yet.”

“I know.”

He leans forward, and kisses my forehead.  It gets me to smile and I can feel it this time.

“Have fun tonight, okay?”

“Yeah...”

He gets up and walks out.

So I guess...I guess that’s a start, even if I know a long road lies ahead, to get my relationship with my brother completely back on track.  At least it’s something, and I know it’ll get me through this little get together with our family and friends, if nothing else.

I pick a dress out, the first one I’ve worn in a very long time, and I put it on, smiling slightly, remembering a part of myself I haven’t seen in forever.  It persuades me to take my hair down, curl it a bit, and then...then I do makeup, because I’m already halfway there anyway.

I see myself when I’m done.  I see Betsy.  Just Betsy, not the drug addicted version.  Not the terrified version.  This is the version that can do anything, conquer anything, and I know...I know I’m ready to go out there, wow my brother, and whoever else might have been invited to this thing.

I step out into the hallway moments later, the laughter coming from the living room telling me people have already arrived, and I take a long breath in and out, close my eyes and prepare myself for...for the real world, I guess.

I walk out, spot the decorations hung around the room, just as Marilyn described them.  There is a big banner tacked above the mantle that reads: Congratulations Betsy!.

Yeah, congratulations.  You’re not a junkie at the moment.  That’s what it should say.

An arm is draped around my shoulders, and I look up to see Carter there again, a beer in his hand, and when he starts to talk, I can smell it on his breath, knowing it’s not his first. 

“You look like my sister.” He smacks a kiss on my cheek.  “It’s great to see you Betsy.”

I just laugh a little.  It’s bad, but I like him this way.

“Hey...Betsy.”

And then I look in the other direction.  The direction of that voice.  The one I thought I lost, the one I forced from my memory because I was convinced he was the last person who would want anything to do with me once I left.  He looks so different now, so much more like...he always should have, with color in his face, and vibrant light in his eyes with a smile to match. 

He looks amazing.  More amazing than ever.

And me? I’m just a wreck.

 “Hi...Hi Justin.”

He licks his lips, opens his mouth to say something else, even though Carter is still hanging on me, obviously drunk. But he stops when his gaze lands on somebody else, and he seems to forget what he was going to say to me.

 “Can you believe my heel?  It just snapped." She holds her mangled shoe in the air for us to see.  "They were a decent brand too.”
 
"You can't take the clutz out of the blonde," Carter slurs, not seeming to care that I'm standing here, completely confused and overwhelmed by Justin's presence.

"Are you really drunk already?" The blonde smirks.  "Christ, Carter, you're the host.  The host isn't supposed to be drunk before ten.  Oh, and by the way, you owe me that twenty."
 
"Whatever, Val," he laughs and it gets a smirk from Justin.  "You got lucky."
 
"You still owe me twenty."
 
"Val" takes Justin's hand, and he opens his mouth to speak, yet again, but he's cut off  as she gives him a lingering kiss on the lips.  She’s tall, and very pretty.  Her blonde hair falls flawlessly at her shoulders, and she has this aura about her that tells me she's just full of goodness, and happiness. She has a great smile too, and a warm, rosy color in her cheeks.  She’s vibrant, and full of life too, and when Justin laughs and kisses her back tenderly, lovingly, I know all too well what’s brought her here. 

It’s more than obvious...

He’s fallen in love. Deeply in love, with this girl.  They're a couple now.
 
And it’s something I was completely unprepared for.
 
"Val, this is Betsy," Justin points out, keeping his eyes locked onto mine as he introduces me, finally.
 
"Oh my god really?"  She puts a hand over her heart, and bends her knees slightly, like she's star struck. "Justin has told me so much about you!  Carter, get off her.  She’s the damn guest of honor."

She seems so excited, and it makes me wonder what the hell Justin told his girlfriend about me.  I guess good things...and I guess...

I guess that means he never really stopped caring about me, even when I was gone.
 
"My sister."  He grins, pulling me closer.  “We’re twins ya know.  She looks great doesn't she? You should have seen her before...earlier today...I mean, wow, you want to talk about a train wreck? Drugs are bad Val.  Just remember that, for me, okay?"
 
He's laughing, but nobody else is.  I'm sure they've never seen him this way before.  Hell, I never have either.  “You’re an asshole.” I shrug away from him, disgusted, and cross my arms.  Shit, for the first time in so long, he's the one that needs the help.  I feel a part of me come back, but just briefly.

Then it’s gone again.
 
 "C'mon Carter," Justin says, taking control of the situation.  "I need some air, and so do you."
 
He drapes my brothers arm around his shoulders, and helps him walk away.  I flash Justin a thankful little smile, which he manages to return, before he leaves us behind.

Now I’m...I’m alone with this woman.  Well...no, it’s more like, I’m alone with Justin’s girlfriend, yeah.  Awkward.  “Sorry about...him,” I whisper.

“Not at all.” She gives me a genuine smile and sticks out her hand.  “I’m Valerie.  Justin’s told me...so much.  I’m really glad that I’m able to meet you.  You’ve made such a difference, really.  Ava is doing so well.”

I knew she was home.  Carter told me, and I was able to be happy about that for about three minutes before the darkness took over me all over again.  “I’m...I’m glad to hear that.  How um...how long have you been with Justin?”

“It’s been about seven, eight months now,” she smiles.  “We just kind of got together one day and couldn’t stay away from each other.”

“Oh well...that’s really good.” I force a smile back for her.  “I’m...I’m happy he finally found somebody.”

“Yeah it’s...great, you know? He’s such a great guy.  He deserves to be happy.”

I just nod.  “Well I’m...I’m going to make sure my brother isn’t like...catatonic or whatever.”

“Oh sure,” she giggles.  “I”ll see you a little later.  It’s....it’s really great to finally meet you.”

“Good to meet you.”

I feel like I’m going to hurl as I walk away from her.  Really? I mean she’s picture perfect, model pretty, why the fuck would he bring her?

But obviously I’ve been missing out.  My brother was talking to the girl like they were old friends and I guess a lot has changed since I decided to abandoned my life.  I make my way out back, to the deck, where I see my brother right away.  He’s leaning over the deck railing, hurling into Marilyn’s favorite rose bush.

He’s so going to pay for that tomorrow.

“He’s all right,” Justin reassures me, as he continues to rub my brothers back.  “He just...drank a lot in a little bit of time.”

“I figured.” 

I plop down in a chair, and take my cigarettes out.  It’s a new favorite past time of mine.  The nicotine saves me from a lot of things, like cravings, and meeting the girlfriend of a man that...that I’m not sure I ever stopped having feelings for. The first drag is bliss, and I’m able to turn out the wonderful sounds of my brother getting sick as I inhale the smoke and blow it out again.

“So what happened?”

I don’t look at him.  “Long story.”

“Well you just...left me hanging Betsy.”

I scoff.  “Justin, really, now isn’t the time.”

“Then make time.”

I shake my head.  “I have a lot on my plate.”

“I’d like to talk to you.  I’ve been waiting for a long time, Betsy.”

“Honestly, you don’t need to talk to me.” I shake my head.  “It was long time ago, and I’m really glad that everything worked out with Ava.  I know you’re life is probably like...God, amazing right now, am I right?”

He shrugs.  “We take one day at a time.  It’s only because of you.”

“It wasn’t all me.  You worked hard.”

“Yeah but...I wouldn’t have, if it wasn’t for you.”

He catches my brother as he starts to slump over, and helps him sit down on the deck, unscrewing a bottle of water so he’ll drink and get fluids in his system.  He drinks eagerly, and then groans, closing his eyes as he starts to pass out from the alcohol.  “You two are close now I guess.”

“Yeah, I guess.  But I’m not talking about Carter right now.  I want to talk about you.”

I take another drag.  “There’s nothing to say.”

“You started using.  Why?  You knew...you knew what that could do, and you still did it.”

“I didn’t have options.”

“No, you did.  There’s always options, Betsy, you just chose to run away instead, take the easy way out.  I was really disappointed when you didn’t show up at the hearing.”

“Because it’s all about you, Justin, right?”

He just stares at me.

“You have no...idea...what I’ve been through, okay?”  I get up, and squash the cigarette with my foot.  “You all just expected me to snap out of it when I came back from Preston’s, like it wasn’t supposed to effect me as much as it did.”

“People wanted to help you.  You didn't give them a chance.”

“Nobody could help me,” I grunt.  “People don’t understand...it’s just...my thing.”

“So you decided to use, rather than confide in your family...in me?  You didn’t have to leave, go to Chicago.  I never asked you to do that for me.”

“Fuck...I know.  Do you really think that I don’t realize how big of a mistake I made? I was reminded every damn day when I looked at myself in the mirror, when I was walking around in chains, in his warped fucking prison, Justin!  You don’t even know the half of it, and I’m not getting into it with you.  Get over it.”

He stares at me for the longest time, his expression telling me that he feels so horrible, but hurt by me at the same time.  “I still care about you, Betsy.  Maybe not like I did before, but...I want to be your friend.  I can help you...I know what you’re going through.  I can sponsor you.”

I let out a bitter laugh.  “Sponsor me? What’s that supposed to do? Make feel better?  What the hell don’t you get? Nothing helps.  Shit, I’m on so much medication right now, and that's supposed to help, but I still...I still can't get past it.  So don’t stand there and thrust your petty solutions in my face.”

“Cool. I get it.  Do whatever you want, Betsy.”  He says it quickly and seriously, like he’s done with me.  Then he glances back at my brother, and I guess he feels that he’ll be okay, because he pushes past me next, and goes back into the house.  I look back inside, see him with her, smiling and laughing, like she’s his world.  Marilyn joins in their conversation and soon...it’s like our conversation never happened.

I’ve successfully alienated him, again.

Congratulations Betsy.

“Bets.”

I stare at my brother, and he’s staring at me, longingly.  I know he’s in pain, and for the first time, in forever, he actually needs me.  So I go to him, slide myself next to him and let him lean on me.  “I’m sorry that I’ve turned into a big fucking mess,” I say, starting to sob.  “I really am.”

“You’re not all that bad,” he whispers and chuckles.  “ ‘sides, you’re my sister, and I love you.  Nothin’ else matters.  I don’t care anymore...I just want you to come back.  Don’t leave me again, okay?”

I kiss the side of his head and wrap my arms around him.  “I’ll try not to.”

It’s not much comfort, but at least it’s something. If nothing else, it feels good to be close to Carter again, even if it’s only because he’s too drunk to know what’s going on.  

As for Justin, I think it would be better if we never spoke again, because he’s obviously bitter.

And I guess I still am too.