They think they have all the answers.

But they don’t.

Moving up to Napa Valley is their dream, and sure, it was nice, taking a trip there to see the house they built.  I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gone on a real vacation, even if it was just for a couple of days.  My mind drifted back to Preston on the flight up there, how we’d gone to Paris the last Christmas holiday we spent together.  I’d pulled a long shift at the office the day before, and spent most of the night packing before falling asleep in his arms.  I...could still remember him...the way his cologne smelled as he hovered over me, getting me settled in my seat on the plane that morning, before he even thought to take his own.  I fell asleep on his shoulder with his arm around me before we took off, feeling completely safe, and protected, because that version of Preston was the one who had his mind in the right place.

“I love you, Bets,” he said to me.  “Merry Christmas.”

What the hell went wrong?  

It was all I could think of for most of that weekend, and while Marilyn and my niece and nephew were enjoying their time, I would feel Carter’s eyes on me constantly, telling me he knew I wasn’t there with them mentally.

And I wasn’t, but he should have known that I wouldn’t have been before bringing the trip up to me at all.

He’s been talking to me more like he used to since my homecoming party, but it’s still not the same relationship we used to have.  Carter is still cautious when we talk, doesn’t hesitate to tell me what he wants me to do, and I go along with it, because...because if I lost him I would lose myself forever.

But now he wants me to listen to our parents, go live with them in Napa and spend my time with some doctors at a treatment facility.  It’s twelve hours away, if you drive, so I tried to compromise with my brother.  I told him to pack up his family and come with us.  I didn’t see anything wrong with my idea.  Carter is a good banker and could get a position anywhere, and his kids are young so they could relocate without any issue.  I begged him, pleaded, cried, told him I needed him to do it.

But he just...he refused, and said he wasn’t going to put his family through it.

For the first time in my life, he’s sacrificed our relationship for the good of his family.  I couldn’t believe it.  I was so angry...so angry that I wouldn’t talk to him for days.  But then Carter, he came to me and said if I was going to be that way, he would throw me out right then and there.  He said he didn’t have time to sit around while I acted childish, and naturally, I told him that I was sorry.  That I didn’t mean to ignore him.  He forgave me, I guess, but after that...I think he was done.  He hasn’t pressured me lately, he’s been a lot more focused on his kids and wife, like he should be...

Like he used to be, before...just...before.

The job of nagging me to death has been left up to our parents.  They come by all the time, try to get me to see the light or something.  They say they’ll take care of me if I move with them, pay for my rehabilitation, until I’m able to stand on my own two feet again.  But I won’t go.  I won’t leave Carter.  I’m determined to do something, to help myself somehow, so Carter won’t resent me living under his roof anymore.

So far, I haven’t...I haven’t come up with a plan.

But I’m working on it.  I really am...working on it.

I forget things sometimes. Lately, more and more.  I dont’ know why...it could be the medication.  My shrink put me on this new drug, it’s supposed to help, but all it’s really doing is clouding my mind so I can’t think straight.  I’ll be thinking about what I can do, who I can talk to about getting my life started up again, but then I’ll get distracted by a memory or something and blank out, completely forgetting my train of thought.  I forget other things too, like things Carter asks me to do.  The same thing will happen, he’ll get home and ask me why I didn’t shower or change my clothes.

It’s so embarrassing to tell him I forgot.

He’s so disappointed.  For a couple of weeks I’d gotten myself a little bit more together.  It was after the party.  Maybe it was a boost for me, knowing my brother didn’t hate me, that reminded me to get up, shower and try to live.

But it didn’t last long.

I know my doom is coming closer and closer.  If I don’t move with my parents, Carter has told me...he won’t have a choice.  He’ll have to put me in a facility, because he can’t trust me to live on my own, says I’ll go back to using, and he’s probably right.  He tells me that I’m making the house an unhealthy environment for Lucas and Ashley, that Marilyn agrees, and he doesn’t have a choice.  It’s either Napa or get carted away like my father did when he went up to Bakersfield.  I’ll dwindle away in a place like that, be so far gone on medication, and the fact that the world has given up on me that I’ll give up.  Either way, I won’t be able to be with my brother all the time.

Sometimes I feel like...I’d be better off...gone, or something.

But I can’t do that to Carter.

I think it’s the only thing that’s keep me alive, at the moment.

“Happy Thanksgiving.”

His voice is clear, and bright, but I can tell he’s forcing himself to do this.  I look up at Justin, take a drag of my cigarette, unfazed.  He looks good, but he always does.  I see him all the time, here in the house with that girlfriend of his...Val.  Trace comes sometimes, with his wife.  They’ll all sit around together, laughing and talking, sometimes they go to dinner.  One big happy fucking group of friends that I can’t be a part of because I’m too fucked up, and will mess up everything if I try to include myself.  “Happy Thanksgiving.” I mutter.

He sits.  “How...how are you, Betsy?”

I scoff, and take another drag.  Really, it’s nice that he’s trying.  I’m sure Carter gave him a whole song and dance before, about how somebody needs to talk to me, that maybe he could help because he supposedly knows me so well.  I saw them when they were up on the deck.  Of course I knew they were watching me, talking about me, despite the fact that I didn’t look over at them, pretended to listen to mom and dad instead.  “I’m here.”

He’s quiet for a long time, looking down at the grass, rubbing his hands together.

“You can go back inside,” I tell him.  “I know Carter put you up to this, as a last ditch effort to ‘save me’, or whatever it is.  I’m not savable.”

“Why don’t you stop pushing me away for five damn minutes, and let me talk to you,” he blurts out. “Christ, Betsy.  We don’t even talk anymore.”

I shrug.  “You’re better off.  You and Ava.”

“Fuck...I wouldn’t even have Ava if it wasn’t for you.  You just...you took me, built me up when I had nobody else to turn to. I know you got to Audra before Preston took you away too.  You made sure I’d get her back, right from the beginning.  Nobody else would have done all of that, not for a washed up junkie like me, Bets.  I’ll always love you for that.”

He’s right of course.  I did a lot, worked hard, and then...I don’t know.  I was a prisoner, for no other reason other than Preston wanted to make sure I would never leave his side again.  “Well, I’m glad that you’re happy, Justin.  But I don’t need your gratitude.  I know what I did, and I wanted to do it.  Don’t let Carter guilt trip you into feeling sorry for me.”

“Do you really want to be in a facility?”

I stare at him.

“Because that’s what it’s coming down to, you know? You’re going to end up like Thomas, washed up and alone.  Is that what you want?”

“If it will make Carter’s life easier, I guess so.”

“Going to Napa will make Carter’s life easier.”

“It’s too far.  I can’t be that far away from him.  I need him.”

“Sometimes you have to make sacrifices...you should know that better than anybody else.”

“Right, because I sacrificed myself for you, so that must mean you know it all, right Justin? You just know everything...because you’re stronger now, in a relationship with your pretty fucking girlfriend, father of the damn year, and everything is...”r32;
“Damn it Betsy!” He gets up and kicks his chair over.

I’m paralyzed.  

“What the hell don’t you get? I’m trying to talk to you! I’m trying to help you!”

“How can you help me Justin! How?”

“I know what you’re going through, fuck...I went through it.  I pumped myself full of so much shit, I couldn’t even function.  You say I don’t understand, but I do! I do understand! You just...you just pushed me away! Do you know that I waited for you Betsy? I fucking...I waited to tell you how much I loved you.  I wanted to be with you!  You just...you just turned your back because you were too afraid to face me for whatever reason!”

“Oh well.  It’s too late now.”

He laughs bitterly.  “Yeah, you’re right.  I found somebody else, that has a hell of a lot more going for her.  You know I’m thankful for everything, and yeah, I feel like shit that I’m probably most of the reason Preston did what he did.  But I can’t stop my life for that, Betsy.  I have a kid and...I’m getting married.  I want you to be...I want Betsy back, but how the hell can I get her back if she won’t help herself?”

Married.  It should be a shock but...it’s not.  Justin has his life together, and I know he loves that Valerie chick.  It was inevitable, and in a different life, I would be a lot happier for him.  But I’m just numb, to everything.  It’s just another occurrence in his life that I won’t be a part of.  “Well, congrats,” I whisper, and take another drag.  “I’d say that I hope everything will work out for the best, but I know it will, Justin.”

“I don’t want to see you just...waste away, Betsy.  You’re better than all of this.  You know, you’re letting him win.  This is what he wanted for you, to just...be sheltered and never live in the real world again. That’s why he did what he did.”

I won’t look at him.  I refuse, because for the first time in months I feel like I could crack in front of somebody else besides my brother.

But why?

What makes Justin so fucking different?  We were almost in love but then, it just didn’t work out.  We were never close after that, and I know it’s probably my fault but...but he shouldn’t be able to break down my barriers like this.  Not after I made sure he was completely out of my system before I locked him out of my life.  “You’re a shrink now too?”

“No...” He slaps his hands on his thighs.  “I just care about you, and I owe you...something, after everything you did.”

“You don’t owe me anything.”

“Have you even been to an NA meeting yet?”

I shake my head.

“I’ll take you.  Tomorrow night there’s one a couple of miles from here.  We can get you started before you move up to Napa with our folks, and when you come back, you can go back.  You’ll feel better.  The people there...they’re like us.”

“They’re not like me,” I whisper.

“You don’t have to talk about that.  It’s about...it’s about learning to cope with the addiction.  Rehab can only take you so far...you still need help to cope with everything after you get out, and going to shrink doesn’t have the same effect.  I was stubborn too, I didn’t want to go, but I did and then I met Trace and he pulled me out of the fucking gutter.  I told you before, I’ll sponsor you.  That means I’ll be there for you, no matter what.  We’ll work through the twelve step program together.  In a year or two you won’t even...you won’t remember how you are now.”

I laugh at him.  He makes it sound so easy, like some kind of stupid self help preacher.  “I don’t need your help, Justin.  I’ll be fine.”

“You’re a fucking mess and you’re greasy...you stink like some serious body odor, and nobody wants to be around you this way,” he says, bluntly. “I’m giving you a chance, because hell, everybody else has given up.  Even Carter.  Do you think he cares if you end up in a facility anymore? He’s tired, Betsy.  He’s just about given up, even though you think he’ll continue to sacrifice himself for you.  His family means a hell of a lot more to him.”

A tear falls down my face, and fuck..no, I will not cry.

I won’t.

“Betsy.”  He’s crouched down next to me, slowly reaching his hand out to connect with my face.  “Please don’t...don’t slip away from us. We all care about you.”

“It’s too late.”

“It’s not too late, Betsy.  It's never too late.”

Then I just...I sob.  It’s different.  I can feel it, more so than anything else that the medication seems to block out.  The tears are there, in rivers, as he holds my hand and tells me it’s going to be okay.

“I’m so scared, Justin.  All the time.”  

He helps me sit up, and puts his arms around me.  “You don’t have to be scared.  You just have to...have to try.  Please, try, for yourself.  Go up to Napa, Betsy.  It’s going to be hard, and far away but...eventually, you’ll be able to come back to us.”

“What if I can’t do it, Justin? What if...what if I just...mess up everything?”

He smiles then.  It’s the smile of his that I’ve missed seeing.  The one that always reassured me that he cared, that he would keep trying to better himself, because...because I made him feel like was better than the drugs.  “You can do it.  I know you can.  You’re strong, Betsy.  You’re so strong and that made me want to be strong too.  I mean, how else am I going to get to dance with you at my wedding, if you give up now?”

“You’re really getting married,” I laugh, through my tears.  “You?”

He laughs, and wipes at his eyes, and I know he’s gotten really emotional too.  “Yeah, I got suckered into it.”

“I’m sorry.” I whisper it and sniffle back my tears.  “I’m sorry I left and...and I’m sorry I gave up on everything...on us.”

He shakes his head.  “No, it’s...it’s not important.  Not anymore.”

I hug him next, hold him so close for so long and it feels amazing because...because I know he’s going to be here for me.  He’s going to help me as much as he can, and that gives me the reassurance that I need.  While I might be far away from him for a long time, I know it won’t be forever and when I come back...maybe, maybe I can have some sort of a life again.

“Thank you.”

He smiles.  “Come on, there’s a million calories calling our name right now, and I know Ava is probably dying to say hello.”

“I should probably shower first.”r32;

“Might be a good choice.”

I take his hand, laughing for the first time in God...I don’t even know how long, and let him lead me inside.  He gives my cheek a quick kiss, and tells me he’ll see me in a little while, and I bid him a goodbye as I make my way to the bathroom.

“Napa?”

Carter is standing near the bathroom door when I get there, his arms crossed, his eyes red, bloodshot, like he’s been crying in private again.  He’s asked me this same damn question every day for weeks, and every time, I’ve shot him down and retreated into my room.  This time it’s different though.  This time, I know how many people I have on my side that are routing for me, that will wait for me to come home to start my life over again, as soon as I can.

“Napa.”  I smile a little, and nod.

He smiles and walks over to me.  “You're serious?”

I hug him and sob, and he hugs me back tightly crying too.  He does it despite how much I smell, how dirty I am.  He just doesn’t care.  He knows this is the stepping off point.

That he very well might be getting his sister back.

And...and I think he will, one day.