It’s a weird feeling, discovering yourself again for the first time, after a complete emotional breakdown.  That moment you look at yourself and you see...that person that had been with you all your life staring back...it makes your head spin.  Makes you feel like you’re on this incredible high that no drug could ever top.  For the first time in over a year I like who I see when I stand in front of the mirror.  I feel strong now, triumphant, like nothing can ever bring me back down again.

It’s a weird feeling, but a good one.

Rehab in Napa is a lot different from what I thought it would be.  I was used to sitting in a circle with a bunch other people, a doctor trying to force me to tell my story day in and day out.  Up there it’s different.  It’s day sessions, so I go home to my parents at night, have dinner and sleep in an actual bedroom, surrounded by familiar comfort, instead of white walls and hospital bed rails.  They tell me staying with my parents is the best way to create a ‘family cocoon’ or something.  I’m okay with it.  I think...it’s the first time in my life that I’ve really let them in.  We communicate better now, and we’re growing closer than we’ve ever been.  Naturally, Carter is thrilled.  It’s something he’s always wanted, from the time we were adopted by them.    

When I go to the facility, there isn’t any pressure.  You can see the doctors, or you can just...write everything down in a journal if you’re not up to communicating that day.  They allow you to go outside and enjoy nature, instead.  It’s beautiful up there, serene and colorful, with a breathtaking view of the Napa Valley Mountains.  Sometimes, on the hardest days, I’ll sit on my bench swing with my journal and gaze out at them for hours, letting their grandeur give me comfort, reassuring me that everything will be okay.  It’s a different world, nothing like the gritty streets of downtown Los Angeles.  They have these really great people up there, botanists, who teach the patients how to garden.  I found my niche I guess, because I’m obsessed with it now.  I must have planted more than a dozen flower beds and other types of plants, before I came back home for this visit.  My favorite thing to do is participate in the Bonzai trimming sessions they hold in their brand new Zen garden a couple of times a week.  Grooming those little trees, with the subtle sound of water trickling in the background, soothes me more than anything else.  It takes my mind away from reality for as long as I want to be away from it.  When I’m ready to go back, to focus on my problems, my mind is a lot clearer, makes it easier to talk to my doctors, and communicate in group therapy.

The more days pass, the more I find that Preston, the memory of him, isn’t weight me down as much.  

He’s just not...so important anymore, and neither are the drugs.  I know, when I’m finally ready to come back home again, I’ll be that strong, determined girl I always used to be.

But I still have a long way to go.  This is only the conclusion of part one, so I’m told.  After the wedding, I’ll go back to Napa, and probably won’t see Carter again until the holidays, unless he finds time to come up for a visit.  It’s unlikely though.  Between the kids, Marilyn, and his career, he doesn’t have much time for anything else.  As it is, his boss is about to be promoted to some kind of corporate level executive, and Carter has been told that he’ll more than likely be getting the open position.  When that happens, and I know it will, he won’t be able to dote on me nearly as much.  He’ll be the regional manager for his area, have to oversee branches all over Southern California, go on business trips, and do everything else that comes with having a position like that.  It will ensure his families future, give him a huge salary boost, so they can buy that big new house that Marilyn has been after for years.  The old me wouldn’t have been able to deal with the separation, but the renewed one can see past it and remember that Carter has his own life to deal with, outside of my problems.  

It’s better for us.  Carter can finally...live his life, without lying awake at night, worrying about what’s become of me, and I hope...I hope like hell, that he’ll never have to go through that kind of heartache again.

It’s one of my biggest regrets, what I put him through, and I’ve put it on my list...promised myself that I’m going to make all of it up to him, somehow.

“I’ve told you before, it’s either the ice sculpture or the gourmet caterer.  You know it’s unreasonable to expect us to pay for both, after the cost of the dress, and that immaculate wedding cake you suckered your father into.  I think you know what the right decision is, and how best to utilize the funds available, Val.  Your guests shouldn’t have to eat Hometown Buffet quality food, simply so you can stare at a block of ice all night.”

“It’s my wedding.  I want them both.  I don’t see what the big deal is, it’s not like dad doesn’t have the money.  He said I could have whatever I want.  I’m the only girl, so it’s only fair.  You gave the boys everything they asked for when they got married.”  Valerie pouts.  When her mother glares at her, like she’s going to flip out, she doesn’t say another word, just continues to flip through and sort her pile of RSVP’s instead, waiting for her mother to calm down and give in.

Other people are starving, homeless, and hopelessly addicted to drugs.  Miles from here, babies are growing up without their parents, they’ll never have a real home.  As for Valerie, this is the biggest problem she’s probably ever had to deal with, and it makes me want to resent her so bad, call her a spoiled little bitch who has no idea how hard life can be.

But I won’t, because Justin loves her, and out of respect for him, I’ve decided to play nice.  Honestly, I was shocked when I got the call from Carter, telling me that she wanted me to be a bridesmaid.  I couldn’t fathom why.  She barely knew me, outside of the friendly hello she would give me whenever we would be in the same vicinity.  I felt awkward, and even tried to turn down her offer.

“She’s doing this for Justin,” Carter explained to me.  “She knows how much you helped him with Ava, and everything else.  She’s just trying to...make you feel welcomed, I guess.”

“I don’t need her sympathy, Carter.”

“C’mon, you’ll get to wear an expensive dress and eat a fancy meal at the rehearsal dinner.  I’m an usher, we can be in this together.”

I laughed at him.

“It would mean a lot to him,” he said next, his voice softer.  “I think he needs to know that you’re okay with this.”

And then...I totally understood why I was being asked to be a member of the bridal party.  Carter wasn’t exaggerating.  Justin had fallen in love with somebody else, while I was off, living my fucked up life, and he didn’t want any hard feelings between us.  Neither did Valerie, because she knew...she knew I had a history with her fiance.  It was closure, in a way, for both of them, having me be a part of everything.

So I agreed, but I think I might have underestimated how this whole thing would go.  I’m now constantly surrounded by a gaggle of girls that, outside of Marilyn, I never met before this.  They seem to tiptoe around me, and I can tell they’ve deemed me ‘the one that’s a little off.’  I’ve overheard them saying:‘she’s only in the wedding because Val felt bad’ and, ‘My God did you know she was like...on drugs?’.  I dont say much, to anyone, just help out with whatever Marilyn needs me to do, and stay out of the girly drama that always happens before a wedding.

The rest of them are all so superficial, definitely not the type of people I’d ever want to associate myself with, and when Val is with them, her personality seems to slip, and she becomes just like them.  I don’t know if she lets Justin see this side of her.  The spoiled bratty side that wants what she wants and that’s it.  Valerie is borderline, a fine line between becoming a superficial hag like the rest of her friends, and staying on the better side, the side that Justin loves.  The side that gives her a real personality, and a genuine goodness.

I know that’s the only part of her he’s in love with, the reason their relationship has blossomed like it has.  They’re not like...how we were for that brief span of time...where he could see right down into me, dig up my deepest fears and secrets, hold me and tell me that he understood me, that he loved every part of me.  It’s not like how I was with him either, the way I could push him, make him feel like he could do anything.  The way...the way I was the first woman who had ever valued him for who he was, and saw past the dark shit that had taken over his entire life.

Do I wish it were me, sitting there pouting over an ice sculpture?  I don’t know.

I don’t think so.  I mean, I don’t even like ice sculpture.

Okay, I guess...I’m not ready, either.  I’m not ready to be with anybody, to be...engaged, and hell, I don’t know if I’ll ever be again.  That’s not my fault though.  It’s Preston’s, but I guess...if he hadn’t done what he did, we would have gotten married and I have no idea how controlling he would have become after we were settled.  Ultimately, I would have wound up the same way, locked in his house, away from my family.  My life is better off this way...without him, but that doesn’t mean I’ll ever really be over what he did.

“Valerie Melissa.”

“Fine, the caterer,” she mutters.  “Christ, mom.”

“Very good.  Make sure you get those RSVP’s finished today, girls.  I need a total head count for the venue.  We’ve already delayed it long enough.”

The other bridesmaids snicker as her mother walks away, the clip clopping of her heels getting fainter as she ventures into another part of the house.

“Honestly, ice sculpture isn’t that big of a deal, Val,” Marilyn says brightly, trying to cheer her friend up.  “Carter and I had one, and all it did was melt by the end of the night.  We barely paid attention to it.  It totally wasn’t worth the investment.”

She has one hand on either side of her head, rubbing her temples as if she has a migraine.  So dramatic.  “But they were going to carve our names in ice, inside of a big heart.  I designed it myself.”

Oh God.  Can I hurl now, please?

“They even said they could refreeze a piece of it for us, and turn it into a candle votive to use sometime in the future.  I wanted it, you know? So when we ate the cake in a year we could take that out too and relight the candle from the unity set, and everything, make the whole thing really special.  It’s not that much more.  I mean, it’s our wedding for crying out loud!  She’s so selfish!”

She looks like she’s about to cry, and it’s so fucking laughable.  She’s a nice girl of course, and out of all the other women in the world, I guess I wouldn’t want Justin to be with anybody else, but Jesus, she is the biggest bridezilla I’ve ever met.  Marilyn wasn’t even this bad, she just panicked about everything, until Carter got her started on some booze right after they took their vows, during limo ride to the reception.  I don’t think she remembers much, at all, about that night, but at least she has it on video.  

I’d suggest the idea to Justin too, but as he doesn’t drink, I doubt it will happen.  I’d love to witness it though.  She doesn’t seem like the type of girl who can handle her liquor, and watching her stumble around in a stupor would be hilarious.  Although, it probably wouldn’t be the best wedding memory for her.

I gotta stop.

I can’t think...badly about this girl.

It’s not that I’m jealous, it’s not.  I guess...I guess I’m just a little protective of Justin, and I want to make sure he’s going to be happy, because after the wedding, I have no idea when we’ll see each other again.

He’s moving across the country, and that might as well be another planet, because there’s no way I could go out there with my probation and rehab the way it is.

I know I’m really going to miss him, and it took everything in me not to get emotional when he told me about his plans with Val, about her teaching opportunity in Boston.  He didn’t wait, told me that first night after dinner.  We sat out on the deck together, while Carter washed the dishes with his kids and Ava.  Marilyn and Valerie sat in the living room, looking through different editions of Bride’s Magazine together.  It was the first time we were able to be alone in...so long, and for a while, we just sat there together, watching the sun set, smiling a little, enjoying each others company.

“So it’s really good...the place?”

“Oh, yeah.” I looked over at him, but he was still staring off into the distance.  “It’s better than I thought it was going to be.  It’s very private and peaceful, nobody pressures me, and my parents and I are communicating a lot more than we ever have.  I guess...I should thank you for kicking my ass into gear, Justin.  I was a stubborn little bitch for way too long, and I’m sorry.”

“No big deal.”  He just smiled, but still, didn’t look at me, as he folded his hands on top of his stomach.  “You did it for me.”

He was right.

“Maybe you guys can come up and visit some time,” I suggested.  “My parents have plenty of room.  I think Ava would love the outdoor space.  She could run all over the place.  When Lucas and Ashley come up we don’t see them all day, and I’m sure you know how devastated Carter and Marilyn are with all the free time they get.”

“I’m sure.”

But he didn’t smile, and I knew...there was something he was trying to tell me, but I didn’t know what it was, or if it was a bad thing.

“Are you...happy?”

This time he looked at me.  His eyes were peaceful but his expression was pained, like he was fighting a war with himself.  “Yeah.  I really am, Betsy.”

I forced a smile.  “Then...I’m happy too.”

He nodded.  “Valerie got a job offer.”

“Oh yeah? At a school?”

“Yeah.  It’s a good one...I mean, not just good.  It’s an incredible opportunity for her.”

“Well, that’s great, Justin.  Carter told me she’s a great teacher.”r32;
“She is.”r32;
He said it, like he was trying to force me to believe it, but the thing was, I hadn’t doubted the idea to begin with.  

“It’s in Boston,” he said gently, before I could ask him what else was wrong.  “Her orientation is August tenth.  Everything is set into place.  The school is giving us a place to live and everything we need.  We just have to show up.  Val says I won’t have to work right away, I can just focus on school, and Ava, but I still might do something part time.  I like to have some extra pocket money.”

I sat up slightly, almost not being able to believe it.  I had just got him back, and was getting myself together.  I was convinced, after the wedding, after some more rehab, I would start to see more of him, and we would start to rebuild our friendship from the ground up.  If nothing else, if I couldn’t have him...that way, having his friendship, and seeing him a few times a week, was the most important thing.  

“You’re moving to Boston?”

“Yeah.” He laughed this time and rubbed his eyes.  “We’re leaving a couple of weeks after the honeymoon.  Crazy, huh?”

“I...yeah.”  I sat back and looked into the distance, shaking my head a little, shocked that he would just...pick up and leave his life behind like that for her.

“You’re pissed, right?”

I looked back at him, and I knew how much it hurt him, to tell me like that.  The truth was, he didn’t want to leave me behind.  He wanted me in his life too, but...Val, he’d fallen to his knees when it came to her, and would have done anything to make her happy.  It was too late to stop him, and that was my own fault for pushing him away.  “No...no, I’m not.  Of course I’m not.  It’s good Justin.  You should do it, you know?  You should, for Val and for Ava.  It sounds like a good opportunity.”

“Ava will get to go to a fancy private school for free.  It’s one of those elitist academies.  Ivy league level and all that, one of the best in the country.  I mean, I could never afford to put her into an expensive college myself, but with Adams college fund and a possible scholarship fro this place...she could really do something when she graduates, get into an Ivy League college, and get any job she wants.  I want her to have a better life than I had, than Deb had.  A different life.”

“Definitely.  That’s really important.”

The silence swept over us.  We both knew the truth.  While it was step in the right direction, the only thing that was going to make his marriage to Val work...we both knew there was a consequence.

We wouldn’t see each other anymore.  We would be long distance friends, communicating by phone calls and emails, running into each other during the holidays and the few times they would come to visit outside of them.  A casual hello, and catching up for a bit before they flew back to Boston, would be what our friendship came down to.

I felt a desperate, sinking feeling in my stomach, but I couldn’t say anything.  It just...wouldn’t have been right, because what we had...just didn’t work out, and I wasn’t about to hold him back from the new life he’d worked so hard to create for himself, and for Ava.

Valerie had won Justin’s heart a long time ago, and now, she’s taking him away from me.  I refuse to be resentful, or bitter, because I know that could lead to Justin and I parting on bad terms, and after...everything, I couldn’t take another blow.  So I’ll help make his wedding wonderful, celebrate his marriage with him, and wish him luck when he gets on that plane to ensure he doesn’t have any regrets.

It’s the only option I have, because I chose to push him out of my life, when he was ready to love me.

“Dinner time!”

Ava runs into the dining room, Ashley and Lucas at her side.  They’re followed by Justin and Carter who are carrying two stacks of pizza boxes in their arms.  She’s grinning brightly, the area around her mouth caked with tomato sauce from the pizza slice Justin probably let her have on the car ride here.  Naturally, all the girls fuss over her, clean up her face and pinch her cheeks, while telling her how adorable she is.  She squirms and wriggles out of their grasps and immediately runs to me when she’s free, because she knows I won’t smother her like that.  She hates it, so much, and everyone in Val’s extended family doesn’t seem to understand, but they wouldn’t.  Most kids that have gone through the foster care system, hate being smothered or touched too much.  I can’t point it out, of course.  They’d just hate me for it, and I can’t be on bad terms with these people with so much at stake.

“Did you have fun with the boys.” I giggle as she leans her head against my chest.  

She shrugs.  “Daddy and Mister Carter took us to the zoo.  There were some giraffes with black tongues and I liked those the best, but honestly Miss Betsy, the zoo gets boring.”

I smile and kiss the top of her head.  “Well, you didn’t miss much around here, kiddo.  We’ve been going through these envelope things all afternoon to see who can come to the wedding and who can’t.”

She huffs.  “I’m tired of this wedding stuff, Miss Betsy.”

“Me too.”  

“Valerie made me try on my dress for the wedding yesterday.  It’s itchy, and has puffy sleeves that hurt my armpits, and I don’t like the colors, and I have to wear these gloves and they are all baggy on my fingers so I have to keep pulling them up.  I wanted to be fancy before but now I just want to wear my favorite dress with the roses, the one you got me, but she says it won’t match.”

I laugh a little.  “Well, do it for your daddy and Valerie, okay? It’s only for one day.”

She nods and gets quiet for a while.

“Miss Betsy.”

“Yes, Ava.”

She looks up, into my eyes, and I see a pleading, hopeless gaze in them.  One I’ve seen before, in the past, when she didn’t know if she was ever going to get to be with her dad again.  “I don’t want to move away to Boston, Massachusetts.”

I know by the tone in her voice, I’m the one and only person she feels she can confide in about this.  But it shouldn’t surprise me.  Before, at the center, I was the only person she would talk to.  Nothings changed.  She still values me as much as she did then, no matter what I’ve done wrong in my life.

She hugs me suddenly, and I don’t say a word as I put my arms around her and return the embrace.  A huge lump has formed at the base of my throat and I feel the tears start to push from behind my eyes, but I know I can’t let my emotions take over.  I just can’t.  “It won’t be so bad,” I whisper as I stroke her hair.  “You’ll get to live in a big, exciting city.  I know your daddy has been showing you all the neat places you’re going to visit, right?”

“Yeah but...I won’t get to see you anymore.”

“We can write each other, all the time.  You can take pictures and send them to me on the computer too.  Your daddy and Valerie can show you how.  I’m sure we’ll see each other at Christmas and Thanksgiving too, right?”

“Yeah.”

She doesn’t like my answer, but neither do I.

“Hey...Avi.” Justin is standing by us now, his hand on his daughters back, rubbing it gently.  “She okay?” His eyes searching mine, curiously, when she won’t let go of me right away.

I just shrug.

“Baby doll, what’s the matter?”

She pulls away from me and looks up at him, solemnly, like she was doing something wrong.  “Nothing, daddy.”

Then she walks away, back into the adjoining room where I can hear my niece and nephew squealing with laughter.

“What was that about?” Justin says, a confused expression on his face.

“She had a long day, I guess.”

He raises an eyebrow, but I just go back to RSVPing.

If he knew how she really felt, it would kill him, and possibly his marriage too.  I know that, and his daughter, despite being so young, knows that too.  We both want him to be happy, to protect him, but if Ava is miserable...I just don’t see how things are going to work out in Boston.

But it’s not my place to tell him he’s making a mistake.

“Hey.” Justin continues on, sits down next to his fiance and smiles at her, as if everything is fine.  “Here...” He pulls one of the pizza boxes towards them, but Valerie doesn’t react, just continues to flip through her envelopes miserably, obviously still pissed about her ice sculpture drama.  “I got one with no cheese, for the calorie counting bride to be, just like she wanted.”  He plants a sloppy kiss on her cheek that gets Val to swat at his arm, and glare at him.

The laughter fades from his eyes.  “What?  What did I do?”

“Just lay off, Justin,” she says quietly.  “I’ll eat in a bit.”

“What’s wrong with everyone? First Ava and now you too?”

She doesn’t answer, and I can tell that the anger is brewing inside of her, waiting to be unleashed since she couldn’t blow up at her mother.  She’s holding it back from him, because she loves him, but I know she can only hold out for so long.

“Mrs. Watts laid down the law,” Marilyn pipes up from her spot at the table.

“About?” He directs the question at Val.

“She won’t pay for the ice sculpture.  She says its too expensive,” Caren, the maid of honor, informs him.

“Valerie...is that...really why you’re pissed?”  Justin gets a queer look on his face, and laughs lightly as he leans in closer to her neck.  “Why do we need an ice sculpture?”

She doesn’t stop flipping her envelopes.  “So they can freeze a part of it and turn it into a candle votive for us.”

“Oh.”  He doesn’t get it.  “Won’t it melt when we go to use it?”

“Well, yes but...but we would just use it once, when we have our one year anniversary and pull the cake out of the freezer.”

“Cake?”

“The piece of our wedding cake, baby.  You’re supposed to save a piece and eat it on your one year anniversary.”

His face gets contorted, like he’s never heard of anything so gross.  “We’re going to eat year old cake? Nasty, Val.  You sure you want to do that?”

All the girls laugh at him.  He’s so pathetic, but I wouldn’t expect anything different from him.  Justin isn’t formal and has no idea what a wedding really involves or what the traditions are.

It’s adorable.

“You’re fucking insensitive.”

“Huh?”

“It’s a big joke, right Justin?”  Valerie throws her envelopes down, and pulls away from him, harshly getting up from the chair, arms crossed, fuming.  “That’s all this wedding is to you, isn’t it!”

“Val...come on, you know that’s not true.  I just...I didn’t know it mattered that much.  If you want to eat old cake, then that’s what we’ll do.”

This does nothing to help the situation though.  It sounds even more hilarious, and even Marilyn is cracking up now.

“Just forget it! Forget everything!” Val screams at him.  “We should just go to Vegas, let Elvis marry us, and throw all the tradition out the window because it’s obvious you don’t care about any of it!  Just cancel the fucking wedding!”

“Valerie.”

She storms off.

He throws his hands up.  “What’d I say?”

“Somebody should go out there,” Marilyn sighs.  “She might throw herself over the deck, into my begonias.  I’ve worked too hard on that spot...Carter puked in it last year, and I had to gut the whole thing.”

“Screw it.”  Justin plops down and picks up a pile of RSVP’s.  “I’ll lose it on her and I can’t afford to sleep on the couch.  She’ll cool off eventually, we’re not cancelling anything.  She’s just being over dramatic, for whatever reason.  You girls are evil.” A sly smirk creeps back onto his face.  “Y’all provoked her didn’t you?”

“She’s been like this all week.  How have you not noticed?” Marilyn laughs.  “She’s stressed out, trying to make sure her dream wedding goes off without a hitch.  I know how she feels.  I did the same thing before I married Carter.”

“Count me out of he whole consoling thing,” Caren says.  “I had to walk around Bed Bath and Beyond with her for six hours, trying to make sure she put reasonable shit on her registry, and tomorrow, I have to run Bridal Bingo at the shower.  I’ve played my part.”

“I have to get this RSVP list finished for Mrs. Watts,” Marilyn says, pathetically.

The other girls, just act like they’re completely oblivious.

Some friends.

That leaves me, but I shouldn’t give a damn.  Let her spoiled ass sit out there and hate life.  

God.

“I’ll go.”

Everybody stares at me, and when I lay eyes on Justin, I find that he’s gone completely pale as he stares back at me, like he can’t believe I even offered to do it.

“You don’t have to subject yourself to the rath of Val,” Caren reassures me.  “You’re an innocent bystander.”

I shrug.  “That’s why it doesn’t matter what she says to me.”  I get up and flash them a tight smile.  “I’ll be back.”

When I walk out, none of them follow me, not even Justin.

But I guess they’re all tired of this wedding stuff too.  

“Bridal meltdown.” My brother smiles at me when I walk through the kitchen and over to the sliding patio door.  “She gave me the look of death when she marched out there, so I didn’t bother trying to get on her good side.”

I stare out the doorway, see her sitting there at the picnic table, her head in her hands, her body shaking with sobs.  

“You’re not going out there are you?”

I shrug.  “Nobody else will.”

“Is your inner social worker coming back out to play or something?” He laughs.  “What the hell did they do to you up in Napa?”

I smirk.  “I guess they snapped me out of my funk a little bit.”

He kisses my cheek and gazes back at me, like I’m the sister he remembers, like I’m back.  “Good luck, Bets.”

He leaves me then, and I take a deep breath, before I slowly walk out there, and sit down at the picnic table with her.  “V...Val?”

She stops crying long enough to pull her face out of her hands.  Her makeup is smeared all over, the mascara running down her face in thick lines.  She’s a mess, and for stupid reasons.  “W-what...what do you want?”

“I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”

She laughs out loud, leaning her head back as she does it.  “I bet they sent you because you were the last resort?”

“No.” I shake my head slightly.  “I wanted to come.”

She stares at me for a long moment.  “Why?”

“Because I...I know Justin loves you, and when you’re miserable like this, for reasons that don’t really matter, all it does is hurt him, and Ava too.”

“He hasn’t helped me plan a thing, Betsy,” she snaps.  “Not a thing, and I’m just supposed to be fine with that?”

I sigh.  “Justin isn’t really used to all this formality, Valerie.  He’s trying his best but, he’s never going to be...like that.  Besides, you know what you want.  The whole wedding is getting planned exactly to your ramifications so why complain? You have an amazing fiance and a complete wonderful kid in Ava.  I think you need to take a step back, and re look all of that before you crucify him.  I mean, Jesus, the guy is moving to Boston for you, and that means Ava’s life will change again.  He’s doing it for you, even though Ava would probably be better off staying in one place.”

She just stares at me, and I think I might have hit her pretty hard.

I didn’t know I was capable of all of that.  Not anymore.

Maybe there’s still hope for me after all.

“Do you...do you think I’m doing the...the wrong thing, Betsy?”

If I ever had a chance to stop this whole thing, now would be it.  But I saw that look in Justin’s eyes, the completely defeated one when she yelled at him.  I know what would happen if he lost her.  He would lose himself, all over again, and that would make me horrible person for provoking it.  

“No I...I just think that you should give him a little leverage, considering all the things he’s juggling right now.”

She looks down, and flicks her tears away, sniffling loudly, before continuing.  “I’m such a dope,” she laughs.  “I’m so scared about this move, but I can’t tell him, because I don’t want him to worry about it, either.  It’s such a huge deal.  We’ll be on our own, you know? There won’t be any family there to back us up.”

I wasn’t expecting it.  This whole time I thought she was completely confident in the move, but in reality, she’s just as terrified as Ava is, as I know Justin is.  “So tell him.  Don’t hide it.  Right now, I know he probably feels the same way, and maybe...if you both are on the same page, this whole thing will get easier for you.”

“Val.”

We both look up, and Justin is standing there.  His expression, is sad, and pathetic, and I know all he wants to do is make things right between them again.

“I..um...” Val stands up, and licks her lips.  “Justin, I’m so sorry.”

“I just wish you would tell me what’s wrong, instead of going off into all these little fits of yours.  The girls are sick of it, and I don’t want to be angry at you baby.  Not now.”

She just starts to sob again, overcome with emotion.  With a roll of my eyes, I walk over to Justin, take him by the hand and thrust him at his fiance.  “Talk to her, would you?”

He gives me an odd look, like he didn’t expect me to be so forthcoming, so strong.  Then he...he smiles, as if to say, ‘so you’re back in the game, huh?’

And I guess I am.

I leave then, glancing back out the door when I get into the house.  They’re kissing like fools now, making out on the deck, and so I close the blinds, to give them some much needed privacy.

I guess I did my duty as a bridesmaid, paid my dues, and nobody can say anything about me now.

But if I’ve done all that, shown Val the light, why do I still feel so hollow inside? I should be happy, relieved, but...but seeing them kiss it just...

It kind of knocked the wind out of me.

But there’s nothing I can do about it.  They’re in love, and that’s it.  In a few weeks, we’ll watch them get married...

And then Justin and Ava will be gone.