“So Justin, you’ll stand here, yes, just like that.  Then the ushers to the left...yes, and then the ladies, yes...to the right.  I’ll have all the children down front.  Ava and Ashley next to Caren, and Lucas in front of Trace.  Now my bride, where is my bride...ah, yes, Valerie, you and your father will start up the aisle when the music is cued...and...music please!”

The music cues, Valerie giggles and takes her fathers arm yet again, as they walk up to the alter together.  I give her a goofy grin as she reaches me and puts her hand in mine.  “Something tells me I’ve done this before, with you.  Have we met?”

She shrugs.  “I feel like...oh...wait, remember about twenty minutes ago?”

I snap my fingers.  “Oh yeah, that’s right.  You’re that cute blonde with the diamond ring, and the ample bottom half...” I trail off, smile, and move my hands down over her ass.

“Justin!” She gasps, and quickly moves my hands off of her before anybody can see.

I lean in, and kiss her quickly.  “I can’t wait to get out of here tonight.”

“I know.  You’re so damn antsy.”

“But you love me.”

“I guess I have no choice.”  She tries to be serious but fails.

“That’s four times now.” Trace whispers it from behind me, after I kiss Valerie a couple of times.  “What does he think we don’t get?  I’m starving.”

“I gotta piss.” Carter chimes in.  “I’ve been waiting for like an hour.  I know where to stand, why can’t we just get out of here?”

“Carter stop talking like that.  There’s a priest right over there,” Valerie scowls.

He grins at her.  “It’s the call of the Lord.  He said, thou shall pisseth in the downstairs lavatory.”

My ushers crack up, and I can’t help but laugh along with them, even though my bride to be is giving me the evil eye.  

“Really, Carter?”

“What did he do?” Betsy chimes in, leaning over Val’s shoulder.  “Carter?”

“I didn’t do anything!”

“Carter.”  Marilyn pops up next, and the look on her face tells us all that she’s not playing around.  “I don’t know what you said, but I want you to apologize to Valerie.”

“But I...”

“That couch was looking very lonely this afternoon when we checked into the room.  Maybe I’ll have to give it a friend for the night.  Pity.  That tub in the master bedroom looked big enough for two.”

Trace and I look at each other, and crack up.

“Sorry, Val,” he mutters.  

“Better.” Marilyn pecks his cheek, smirks at him, and gets him to return it, before she takes her proper place in line again.  “I swear to god,” she mutters to the other women.  “Sometimes, I feel like I have two sons.”

“Women,” Carter hisses after a moment, confident his wife is distracted by her friends.  “You sure you wanna get married, Timberlake?”

I stare at her, the woman I’m marrying in the morning, as she gazes up at the beautiful chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, marveling at their beauty.  “Definitely.”

The only good part about having a meticulous ceremony coordinator, is the fact that our rehearsal dinner is going to take place a building over from here, and we’re all staying the night at the hotel, so in a sense, he has the extra time to get everything exactly right.  We’re getting married at a place called Casa Del Mar.  It’s a big resort in Santa Monica, right on the beach.  The ceremony is going to be inside, but the reception is going to be both outside and inside, and we’ve also opted to take a bunch of pictures on the beach as part of our package.  It’ll be a nice, peaceful day tomorrow, with a great party to follow at night.  I couldn’t be more excited, and I know that Val is going to look just...amazing in her dress.  I’ve been dying to see it, but she’s kept the details under lock and key and sworn her bridesmaids to secrecy.  

One more night.  Just one more night, and then...everything will be done.  We’ll get married tomorrow, we’ll stuff our face with cake, we’ll dance, and then, the next afternoon we’ll kiss my daughter goodbye, get on a plane to Jamaica, and have sex in a hot tub, in the bed, and hopefully...on the beach, for ten days.

All will be right with the world.

Am I nervous about the ceremony? I guess.  I mean, it’s natural, but compared to all the shit I’ve gone through for the past ten years, marrying Valerie is going to be a walk in the park.  I can’t wait to do it.  I can’t wait to make the three of us a family, and I guess...I’ve learned to keep an open mind about our move to Boston.  It might be new and different, but we’ll have each other, and at the end of the day, I know that’s all that will really matter.

Val’s bridezilla syndrome seemed to wear off after that day she broke down at Carter’s house.  I think she needed me to reassure her that I cared about all the things that were going to happen at the wedding, and I guess I could have been giving her a little bit more support when it came to planning the whole thing.  That’s never been my thing though...planning.  Actually, this is the only wedding I’ve ever been to, as lame as that is.  It’s the reason why I trusted Marilyn to plan everything for us, but I got a dose of reality when I realized how upset Val was.  I tried to be a little bit better after that, started looking at things and giving her my opinion, which she seemed to appreciate.  We got back on track quickly.

And it was all because of Betsy, again.  She talked to my fiance that day, found out what was on her mind, and forced me to go talk to her too.  I don’t have a clue why.  She has her own issues, after all, but she just...cared that day, so much, and seemed to want to make things right.  It was a blast from the past.  I saw that woman I used to know.  The strong, determined one that wasn’t letting anything get in her way.

I just...don’t understand her.

But I never have.

Of course, I knew she wasn’t completely healed, but it was a start, and I was so thankful.  I knew I could leave, move to Boston, with the reassurance that she was going to be able to cope, eventually come home and learn how to live again, without me.  I forced myself to cover up the longing I felt for her.  No, that never went away, but I couldn’t afford to feel that way about her anymore.  I made a choice, I was getting married, and the bond Betsy and I shared, outside of a friendship, was gone for good.

“I think that’s good.” The coordinator decides.  “We’ll see you tomorrow.  I need the full wedding party here by ten am.  Valerie, the bridal suite will open at seven thirty for you and your bridesmaids as well.”

“Finally.”  Carter storms off, probably to the bathroom, and I chuckle after him.

“We’ll see you at the restaurant,” Trace nods, and walks down the steps.  “Nature calls.”

Tug tug

“Daddy.”

I look down, find my daughter is tugging at my trousers and I smile and begin to answer her, but Val distracts me before I can.

“Baby, I am so beat.” she says, gently moving Ava aside so she can lean against me.  “I really don’t feel like going to this thing.”

“We have to,” I laugh, and kiss top of her head.  “Your parents paid for it, and I’m not going to subject myself to your mother’s wrath.”

Tap Tap Tug

I look down.

“Daddy I...”

“Ugh.” She continues, and loops her arm through mine.  “Maybe we can just eat one plate and then leave.”

I shrug, and hold out my hand for my daughter.  “Maybe.”

YANK

“Daddy...”

“Ava,” I laugh.  “What’s...”

“Your daddy and I are having an adult conversation right now, sweet heart,” Val interrupts through a forced smile, as she leads me down the alter steps.  “You can wait minute.”

I stop, and stare at her, feeling the anger quickly spreading across my face.  It’s strange.  I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry at her before, and I try my best to push it back down, but fail miserably when the words leave my mouth.   “Are you serious?  Did you really just say that?”

She shrugs, she knows how I feel, but she doesn’t care at the moment.  “What?  What’s the problem?  I’m trying to talk to you, Justin.”

I shake my head in disbelief, before I pull away from Val so I can get to my daughter.  She’s never talked that way to Ava before, but..but I can’t take it to heart.  It’s been an exhausting day, that’s all it is.  Tomorrow, she’ll be back to that woman I know so well.  I’m sure of it.  “Avi what’s wrong?”

She comes to me, wraps her arms around my waist and leans her head against the bottom of my stomach.  “I feel sick.”

“What hurts?”

“My head hurts.”

“Well, maybe you need to eat something,” I say softly, and kiss her cheek.  “We’re going to dinner now.”

She shakes her head.  “I don’t feel good, daddy.”

“All right.”

I know there’s only one solution, and that’s to bring her back to the room.  It means I may very well miss my own rehearsal dinner.

But Ava is more important.

“You go on ahead,” I tell Val, with a sad little smile.  “I’m going to bring her up to the room, try to get her to relax a little bit.  It might blow over.”

“You just asked me if I was serious! Are you serious?” Val huffs.  “Justin...this is our night, heck, our week.”r32;

“I know that.”  I gently pull away from Ava and kiss her one more time, before going back over to Val.  “But you know how it is, Val.”

 “Have one of the girls stay with her.”

“C’mon, I can’t ask somebody else to stay with her.  That wouldn’t be right, and besides, she won’t stay with anybody else if she doesn’t feel well.  It’s better that we resolve this tonight than have me miss the reception tomorrow.”

“Whatever Justin.  Do what you want.  I’ll just go toast to myself.”

She walks off, disgusted.

I don’t get it.

I mean, she loves Ava.  I see it everyday, but right now, I wouldn’t know it.  She’s acting like it doesn’t matter that my daughter isn’t feeling well, but it does matter.

She’ll always come first, no matter what, and until now, I thought she understood that.

All this the night before I get married? What the hell?

“Daddy.”

Ava is groaning, and I’m forced to put it all out of my mind.  I go back over, and lift her up, despite how much heavier she is now, and carry her out of the ceremony hall.  I bump into Marilyn on the way to the elevator and tell her the situation, and she offers to stay with Ava so I won’t miss dinner, but I decline, tell her Ava needs me, and she understands, says she hopes I can make it down at some point.

It’s crazy that she understands, and my fiance, the woman who is supposedly going to take on the role as Ava’s mother, doesn’t.  It’s gotta be the stress.  She’s nervous, that’s all it is.

That’s all I’ll believe, too.

I get Ava back to our room, and get her out of her sundress and leggings so she can take a hot bath.  I put some of her favorite bubbles into the water, and it seems to soothe her a little bit.  When I get her out, I wrap her in a towel and quickly get her pajamas on, tickling her as I lift her up and carry her to the small room off the main area, that’s been designated for her this weekend, taking care to place her gently on the bed.

“What do you say?” I smile down at her, as she gets her laughter under control.  “Better or worse?”

“A little better...but...but not all better, daddy.”

I slide into the bed, right up beside her, and pull her close to my side, so she can lay against my chest and stomach.  “How about now?”

She laughs.  “Daddy...”

“No?”  I reach up, under her shirt and start to tickle her stomach, and it gets her to squeal with laughter.  “Maybe now?”

She gives me an approving nod.  “Better.”

I give her a suspicious look.  “Did you really have a headache?”

“Yeah.”  She pulls down on her bottom lip so it gets real long, and lets it spring back into place after a moment, but she won’t look at me.

I know she’s lying.

“Ava.”  I say it seriously, and it gets her to look me right in the eyes.  “Did you lie?”

“I just...I...just...”

“You know it’s wrong to lie, don’t you?” I stroke her hair lovingly, and kiss her forehead.  Even though I’m mad, I can’t be gruff with her.  It’s not in my blood.  “Why would you do that? Tonight? You know...this is a special time for Valerie and me.  Everybody is downstairs having dinner without me, and I’m supposed to be there.  Val is upset now, you know?”

She nods, and her bottom lip trembles.

“Tell me what’s wrong, baby.  C’mon.  Yesterday you were excited about having dinner at the fancy restaurant.  It was all you kept talking about.”

She hesitates for a long time, seeming to fight with herself, before she finally lets it all out.  “Do you hafta marry her, daddy? Do you really hafta?  I liked it fine when it was just you and me.”

I stare into her eyes.  They’re mine, they’re my mothers too.  I never realized how beautiful they are.  I don’t spend enough time looking at them I guess, and I definitely wouldn’t gaze into my own.  I take in her facial features, realizing how much she’s starting to look like Deb.  When she hits adulthood, she’ll be the spitting image of her mother.  Beautiful, and strong.  Right now though, she’s still a little girl.  One that’s confusing the hell out of me.  I don’t get why she would say that.  I mean, she loves Val.  They’ve bonded, and spend loads of time together.  Until now, she was so excited that I was marrying her too.  I don’t know what’s happened, and I guess...it’s a conversation that Val and I are going to have to have, as much as I’d like to avoid it.

“Well..yes, Ava.  I do have to marry her.  I promised her I would.  Why wouldn’t I want to?”

She looks down at the comforter underneath us, traces the pattern with her finger, and sighs.  “I just thought maybe...maybe you would start to like Miss Betsy again, now that she came back.”

I let out a short, exasperated burst of laughter.  “Miss Betsy?”

“Yeah...you liked her before, daddy.  I could tell.  She liked you a lot too.”

She’s smiling again, and that twinkle of playfulness has reentered her eyes.

But I can’t return it, because...all of that, it’s just not possible.

Christ, I’m getting relationship advice from an eleven year old.

“Ava, Betsy and I are just friends,” I nod slowly, and stroke her face and hair.  “That’s all we’ll ever be.  Valerie...I love her, and I know you love her too.”

“I don’t want to go to Boston, Massachusetts with her though, daddy.  I don’t love her that much.”

I sigh.  That’s what this is all about.  That’s all it’s been about, since Valerie brought up the subject.  “Did you know that I’m nervous about going there too?”

“You are?”

“Yep.” I nod, and lace my fingers through her small ones.  “But sometimes, we all have to do things we might not like, and then...in the end, they work out better than we thought.  Like you and me.  Remember how hard it was?”

She nods.

“So we have to be that strong again, like before, and make the best of it, Ava.”  I lean down and kiss her forehead and cheeks.  “Otherwise, Valerie will be sad, and I’ll be sad, and then you’ll be sad too.”

“I’m already sad, daddy.”

I sigh again, and smile gently.  “It’s not so bad.  It’ll be fun, getting to see a new place.”

She looks away, up at the ceiling.  

“How about I make a deal with you?”

She’s silent, waits for me to continue.

“You give me until January in Boston, and if you’re still miserable, we’ll compromise.  I’ll move us back here.”

She gasps.  “Really, daddy?”

“Really.”

I must be crazy.  Val would kill me if I tried to go through with it, but I just don’t care.  If my daughter is miserable come the new year, what’s the point of staying? I can’t raise her that way, letting her waste away in a place she hates, and as my wife, Val will have to understand that.  Marriage is about compromise after all, according to my friends.

“Pinky swear it.”  She purses her lips together and holds up a baby finger.  “You can’t break a pinky swear.”
r32;I grab her finger with my own.  “You get in trouble, otherwise.”

She smiles.

“Compromise number two,” I say, as I let go of her finger.  “Come down to dinner.”

She groans.  “Daddy...”r32;

“Hey, I think I’m being pretty fair.  I could have grounded you for lying to me.”

“Okay, fine.”

She rolls off the bed and starts pulling an outfit together for herself.  I smile.  She’s a crafty little shit, gets it from me.  I can only hope she’ll never put those tools to unlawful use, but I feel like she’s being raised so well, that she’ll never have a reason to.  Ava brings a fresh dress, underwear, tights and shoes over to the bed, and I help her get them all on, before brushing her hair and pulling it into two tight little pigtails, per her request.  I’ve become kind of good at it, mastering the art of hiding the frizz with those little hair clips, so she doesn’t look like she crawled out from under a rock.  Marilyn taught me a couple of tricks, and sometimes Ava will ask me when I can learn to braid her hair too.  I’d like to say I won’t learn, but...but Ava gets what she wants from me, within reason.

I bought a book about hair braiding a week ago, but I haven’t had a chance to look at it yet.

I’m such a pushover.

“Beautiful,” I say, when she’s finally ready.  “Give me some lovin’.”

We kiss each other on the lips quickly, and then I change into some fresh clothes, before heading out of the room with her, hand in hand.  We take the elevator down to the lobby, and by when we get out, I can already hear all the noise coming from the restaurant.  I know that’s good, means we haven’t missed too much, and maybe, just maybe, Val will be able to get over our little spat in the ceremony hall.

“Oh, look who made it.” Carter smiles as we walk in and approach the long tables designated for the bridal party.  “Ava Timberlake bounces back to life.  It’s a miracle.”

She giggles.  

I look at Val, and she looks at me, but she doesn’t smile, and that means she’s still pissed at me.

Great.

“How about you go sit with Lucas and Ashley.” I kiss Ava on the cheek, before letting go of her hand and pointing her in the direction of the children's table.  “I need to talk to Valerie.”

“But I want to sit near you, daddy,” she pouts.

“Ava, please?  For me?”

She doesn’t answer, just hangs her head low and trudges over there.

A drama queen, through a through, just like Deb.  It gets me to smirk, remembering her, but only for a moment.  I have to focus on Val, so I go over there once I’m assured that Ava is settled with the other kids, and take my seat.  “Hey.”

“Hi.”

“Val, come on.  I had to do it.  She needed a bath and a change of clothes, anyway.”

She nods.  “And if she needs a bath and a change of clothes before our ceremony, then what? If I get pregnant, and she needs a bath and a change of clothes when I go into labor, then what?”

“Then I’ll...you’re being ridiculous, you know?”

“You’re totally just hesitated, and that’s what has me worried, baby.”

I just stare at her.  

“Honestly, Justin, you need to draw the line somewhere with her.  She’s too spoiled.  I mean, I love her.  I do, and when we move, I plan on teaching her a lot more about how to behave, and not be so needy or glued to your hip.  That’s what she needs, and it’s not your fault.  She’s never had a mother who cared about her before.”

“Deb did care about her,” I whisper.  “You shouldn’t say that kind of shit. You shouldn't even ben talking about her. You didn’t know her.”

“Justin, please.”  She huffs, and pulls her napkin on her lap.  “You’re getting into things that aren’t appropriate for our rehearsal dinner.  Let’s just drop it for now.”

“What the hell has gotten into you,” I say, refusing to drop it.  “We’re getting married tomorrow.”

“Right, we are,” she says, seriously.  “And things are going to change when it comes to Ava, that’s all I’m saying.”

I sit back in the chair, and cross my arms.  “You’re not going to tell me how to raise my daughter, Val.”

“Our daughter.”

“She’s not your daughter.  I won’t let her be.  Not when you’re dead set on turning her into some kind of obedient drone.”

“Sir, for you?”

I stare up, into the face of the waiter, having no idea how long he’s been standing there.  “Oh...what?”

“For dinner, sir?” He smiles.

“I’ll have the roast chicken,” Val speaks up.

I throw my napkin down, disgusted that she feels she can order right now.  “I’m not hungry.”

“Justin...what...are you kidding me?”

But I don’t answer, don’t look back.  Of course I feel everybody's eyes on me as I storm away, and as I look at them all, I realize that Betsy isn’t among them.  But why would she be? She doesn’t like most of these people, with the exception of her brother, and he’s caught up in the moment right now with his wife, enjoying himself.

“Come on Ava.”

She’s by my side in seconds, obviously happy about my decision.  I pull her out of there, and we walk in silence for a few minutes, before I decide to go down to the beach.  I’m so angry, I just don’t know what else to do, and it’s the only way I know of to let off steam...walk.  It’s what I’ve always done, because I was so fuckin’ broke in the past, didn’t drive, didn’t have a place to go, so I would just walk, and it always helped me.

I mean, hell would freeze over before I would ever let Val control Ava’s life like that.

Fuck.  I mean, really?

This is all coming out now?

“Can I pick up shells daddy? Can I please?” Ava asks me when we get down to the sand, and I take off her shiny black Betty Janes.  I know her tights and dress will be a wreck at the end of the night, but I don’t care right now.  

“Sure, just don’t go too far ahead where I can’t see you.  It’s getting dark.”

“Okay!”  

She skips ahead of me, and I smile as I watch her...so happy, so carefree, and for once, I’m the reason for it.  

I don’t think I could live with myself if that light ever faded out of her, and it’s the very reason the judge wanted her with me.  I make her this way, so happy.

I stop walking, because it hits me like a ton of bricks.

I can’t go through with this.  I can’t marry her.

Christ, it just wouldn’t work.  As much as we’ve connected, and clicked, and have a great romance, when it comes to Ava, things are just completely opposite, a bad kind of opposite that I won’t bring into her life.  Ava isn’t like other kids.  She hasn’t had a chance to really be one, and nobody has ever understood that.  Well, Betsy is the exception I guess, but that’s obvious.  Valerie though, I should have known better, should have explained my daughter a little more, but I thought our love was strong enough where she would go with it, accept Ava as she was and accept the way I decided to raise her.

There’s no way I can get married, or be with anybody for that matter.  Not unless they understand my daughter, and Val never will.

I was so close to fucking Ava up even more, and shit, I never would have forgiven myself.  If we moved to Boston, I can’t even imagine what that would have done to her, and I should have taken what she said in the bedroom before, a lot more seriously.  The truth is, she’s not ready for a move like that, she never has been, and pushing her into it...just isn’t an option. It’s time to slow down again, be single, and let it just be Ava and I for a while.  That’s the best thing for her, and I know that.

My breath gets short, heavy, because it’s hit me so hard.  

It’s just...over, Val and I.  Completely.

I’m going to be massacred tomorrow.