I guess I shouldn’t be out here on my own.  My parole officer and my parents would be pissed if they ever knew.

But Carter told me he trusted me.  It’s the first time in a really long time that he has, and so, I know I wouldn’t break his trust, venture out to get high.

At this point, right now, I don’t feel the need to, and while I know I’m not fully recovered, it’s a great accomplishment, as far as my rehab goes.  I don’t need an artificial stimulant, all I need is myself, and I’ll get by like this, on my own.

It’s bliss, sitting here on the beach, watching the sun go down over the waves while I smoke my cigarette.  It feels so much better than being stuck in a room where there are more strangers around me than friends, and when I told Carter how I felt, he told me to go down to the beach.  That he wouldn’t hold it against me.

“Miss Betsy!”

I jump a little, and it causes me to drop my cigarette in the sand, so I quickly squash it with one of the shoes resting beside me.  When I manage to look up, I’m immediately greeted by a smiling, very excited, Ava.  “Hey you!” I laugh and pulls her towards me.  “I thought you didn’t feel well.  What happened?”

“I feel better now,” she nods, and wraps her arms around me.  “Can I sit with you? Please?”

“Well sure.” I smile, kiss the side of her head, and move her next to me, encouraging her to lean her head against my chest.

Then it hits me.

“Where’s your father and Valerie?”r32;'

“Daddy’s up the beach.  He was fighting with Valerie so we came out here, but I was walking ahead of him and he got left behind.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Ava... Jesus.  Sorry Bets, she got away from me.”  

He’s out of breath, probably ran down the beach when she got too far away from him.  “She’s fine,” I say, smiling up at him.  He looks tired though, worn down, and depressed.  That’s really messed up too.

I mean, the guy is getting married tomorrow.

Something is wrong, and from what I can tell, it’s more than just a fight.  

“Sit.”

r32;r32;“I should take her in.”

“Justin.” I narrow my eyes at him.  

He does it, without another word.

The three of us sit there for a long time, gazing out at the water as the sky goes from pink to purple, to a dark blue grey.  Soon I can only make out shadows of the people sitting beside me, but that’s okay.  It feels okay.

I feel strangely used to this, like being here with them, is what fate always intended.

But it’s impossible to take this any further, for obvious reasons.

“She fall asleep?” He finally asks.

I look over, peer at her close enough to be able to tell that she is, and it’s really cute that he knows she was tired enough to do it.  “Out cold.”

“I...um....”r32;r32;

“Ava told me you were fighting with Val.”

“Yeah.  I was.”

“Why?”

“Because...I realized I didn’t know her like I thought I did, and it was starting to effect Ava.  She doesn’t understand her, and I can’t be in a relationship with somebody who wants to turn my daughter into somebody she can’t be.  Ava needs...time to be a kid, you know? She’s eleven but...when she was eight, she had to act like she was a fifteen year old.  I just want her to be able to run around and act a little immature, and when she wants extra attention, I want to be able to give it to her.  Valerie will never be able to accept that.”

I just nod, don’t need to get into it, because the fact is, nobody will every really be able to understand Ava.  Nobody besides her father, and I guess...me.  “So what are you going to do?”

“Well I can’t go through with this whole thing.  I know that much.”

“You’re in a big pile of trouble,” I smile.

“Wouldn’t be the first time,” he laughs.  “I’ve been through worse.  I just hope her poor parents can get some kind of a refund for all of this.  I feel horrible but...”

“You shouldn’t.  I know you Justin.  If you felt that something was going to effect Ava in a bad way, I know you would put a stop to it, no matter what it was.  Nobody knows her as well as you.”

“You do.”

“Well yeah but...I’m the exception.”

“Do you think you could be a part of her life...I mean, when you’re better, you know? When you start coming home full time?”

I feel the smile pulling at my lips.  I know how badly he wants Ava and I to spend time together.  I can understand her, help Justin figure out what’s best for his daughter when he runs out of options, and I think having that to look forward to, would probably push my rehabilitation even further along, until I didn’t need therapy anymore. “You know I will be, Justin.  You dont’ have to ask me.”

“I’m sorry, you know? I’m sorry about...everything.  I’m sorry that...that I wasn’t there for you, when I should have been.  I could have stopped that son of a bitch.  Stopped him from doing...all of it.”

“Justin you couldn’t have.  Nobody could have.  I was stubborn.  I was going regardless of what anybody else thought, and that included you.”

“I just feel like we were cheated, I guess, out of a good thing.”

I’m silent for a long time, processing it.  I know he’s right.  “Maybe we were.”

“You know I...I’ve denied it for a long time, but I know...I never stopped loving you, Betsy.  Not completely.  You’ve always been right here, in my heart, even when I didn’t want you to be.”

“But it’s not the time for us to try again,” I say, solemnly.  “You know that, Justin.”

“Yeah.  I do.”

The silence sweeps over us again, like it always does, and then...

Then I feel his hand land on top of mine, and a moment later, his fingers curl around it.  I don’t stop him from doing it, because it feels...it feels so insanely wonderful.  It’s electric, his skin against mine, even if he’s only holding my hand, and I realize how much I’ve missed him.  How much I truly do need him in my life.  “We shouldn’t.  It’s confusing.”

“Let me.”

I remember the way he said it, so long ago, just before we made love, before I knew that I wanted him to be my whole world, if he could be.  

So I give into him, let him do it, because it’s pretty harmless, and he’s not trying to push me into anything else.

Not yet.

“JUSTIN!”

Valerie.

“Damn it,” he grunts.  “You know, it figures.”

“I’ll get Ava inside,” I tell him.

“You’re sure?”

We rise to our feet and I hoist Ava into my arms, groaning slightly.  She’s gained weight of course, but I can handle it.  “She doesn’t need to be around for this.”

He leans in before I can stop him, and kisses my cheek.  “Thank you, Bets.”

I smirk, just slightly.  “I’ll put her up in my room.”

“I might need you to keep her for the night,” he whispers.

“Of course.”

And I leave him behind, there on the beach, waiting for Valerie as she charges towards him, in a last ditch effort to save their relationship.

Only, I know that it can’t be saved.

“Daddy.”

“Shh.”  I rub her back as I continue to walk across the sand and back up to the resort.  “He’ll be back later.”

“Miss Betsy?”

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Don’t leave again.  Please.”

She’s half asleep of course, but it doesn’t make it any easier to stop myself from breaking down.  I know how much she loves me, how much she needs me.

It’s the same way her father does.

But I can’t have them, not right now, and that’s so heartbreaking.  One day, maybe, but until then, Justin will be alone with his precious little girl, trying to raise her as best he can, until I get my life together again.

It’s so unfair.

But then again, as they say in therapy, I brought these problems on myself.  Nobody told me to leave home, and nobody told me to use...and if I hadn’t, maybe...maybe Justin and I would have been together for a while now, happy, and in love.

It’s just something I have to live with, as hard as that is.  All I can hope, is that one day, when our lives are different, free from the turmoil that has captivated them for so long, we’ll be able to try, really try, and fall in love all over again.

Until then, I’ll just keep pushing to better myself.

I have a reason to now.  Two precious reasons, that I know...I care about more than anything else in the world.

And I won’t stop until I get them back, make them mine, forever.
********
It’s crazy, but I’m glad it turned out the way it did.

Valerie came running up to me that night on the beach, and as I prepared myself to tell her that it was over, and face the repercussions of that, she took over the conversation.

“It’s about to be over, Justin.  All of it.  I don’t care if we’re getting married in twelve hours.”  She ripped the ring off her finger and placed it in my hand.  “I can’t do this with you anymore.  It’s either Ava or me, so make your choice.”

I laughed at her.  “Ava.”

She stood back, flabbergasted, panting harshly, not being able to believe that I could make my decision so quickly.  “What...what?”

“You heard me. A-V-A.  Ava.”

“I just...you...you jerk.  I hope you and that brat are happy together!”

“Thanks.”

She stormed away.

Even though it kind of sucked, the way it all went down, I can’t really deny that it turned out to be the best night of my life.  I didn’t have to go to Boston, risk my daughters well being, or lose my friends.  Things would get back to normal...

But first, a vacation.

I paid for the honeymoon myself, so I knew there would be no harm in cashing in the vouchers.  Nobody would be asking me to reimburse them, so the very next day, after I was chewed out by her mother, and wished a solemn good luck from her father, I went down to the travel agent with my daughter, and traded those vouchers in.  I took my daughter to Disney Land for ten days, and while it was probably excessive, I know that I wouldn’t have traded any of those moments with her for the world.  I got to know my kid all over again, having never been able to spend so much time with her in a place like that, once in my life.  If nothing else, it made us that much stronger, built that trust between us we so desperately needed, if we were going to survive on our own when we got back home.

Survive, we did, and a year later, we still are, somehow.  Ava is twelve now, and convinced that she’s twenty four.  It’s crazy, keeping up with her.  She’s almost a teenager but not quite, and I have to set limitions, some she dislikes more than others. I don’t let her go to unsupervised parties, and I don’t let her stay out past ten, even on the weekends.  Sometimes she’ll sleep at a classmates house, but it’s only because I know and trust the parents, otherwise, I won’t let her do it.  I’m terrified she’ll fall into that trap like I did, with the wrong sort of kids who only like to drink and use drugs rather than focus on school.  Sometimes we argue, sometimes I think I might be a little too strict, but I have nobody to talk me down and tell me to back off a little bit.  It’s just me and I have to make all the decisions on my own.  It’s hard but...I’m doing the best I can.

I know she still needs a mother, of course.  I’m reminded every time she starts to get a little more rebellious, every time I look at the picture of her and Deb sitting together, knowing I still have to keep my promise to her, but it’s something...that’s on hold for now.

She called me dad the other day, instead of Daddy.

I know the worst is coming.  I still have some pieces of that little girl left, and I’m trying desperately to cling to them, do as much with her as I can until she doesn’t want old dad hanging around anymore.

My heart will break when that happens, because, while I love that we’re together now, I know I lost a huge piece of her childhood.  Those years I spent using drugs, those years I was in prison, and the years I was forced to live with limited visitation only,...I’ll never get them back, and that’s my fault, but I have to make the best out of what we have left, and I’m trying...so hard, to make these years with her the best they can be.

When we got back to the apartment that following week, I found that Val had already been there, and stripped the place of everything she’d brought there, and decorated with.  The place was barren again, like it had been before we met, but I liked it better that way.  It was like starting over again, from scratch, just me and my kid, and it felt good.  I felt like I could do it, on my own, and I didn’t need a woman around to help me.  Of course we fell back into our normal routine.  Carter and Marilyn were always there to help if I needed them, and so was Trace.  I continued to go to school, spend time with my daughter, and do things with my friends, when time allowed for it.

Carter was promoted to regional manager of the SoCal division, and so Nancy was promoted to branch manager.  Then, I was promoted to head teller.  It happened so fast, but I was able to keep up with all the changes.  My salary was boosted again, and I was able to start saving some serious money.  I’d lost some awhile back, because of the wedding, but it didn’t stop me.  I worked hard, saved as much as I could, was there for my daughter, and I managed to get a degree in business finance near the end of the following year.  Recently, Carter has been helping me figure out the best options for me to use it.  He’s talking about moving me to a different branch, training me for entry level management, and he tells with all I’ve learned, I could eventually become a loan officer and make serious commission on mortgages.  I’m kind of nervous, but I know if Carter didn’t think I was capable he would never offer me the opportunity.

He’s a great friend, well, I should really say he’s family.  His kids are like my own, and he treats Ava like his daughter, Marilyn does too.  Trace is still around of course.  He got promoted to district manager at Staples, and he and Kate bought a nicer house last year.  She’s pregnant again, we think it’s a girl this time around.  Their son is big now, running around and talking.  Things have turned out really well for him, and I couldn’t be happier, after all that he’s had to sacrifice in the past.

Betsy’s out.  I mean, she’s home, out of rehab, and off the house arrest.  It’s been about a month, and we haven’t seen a ton of each other.  She’s been busy trying to get herself settled in.  Instead of going back to live with Carter, she was determined to get a place of her own.  Her brother put down the first year lease money on a small apartment, and she quickly got a job so she could start paying him back.  It’s not much of course, she answers the phone at a chiropractors office a couple of days a week, but it’s the best she can do for now.  They told her she has to start slow, take a part time job, only work a few days a week, so she can re-acclimate herself the right way.  We’ve all been helping her adjust, while trying not to be too overbearing.  Me especially.  Sometimes I just want to bear hug her, wrestle with her and kiss her, because...being around her drives me that fucking crazy.

But I hold it all back, because I know I have to.  Betsy isn’t ready for that, and I completely get it.  It’s just nice having her back.  She sees Ava a lot, has become a big part of her life, and it’s helping.  She got her period a week ago and I completely freaked out when she came asking me how to handle it, so I called up Bets and she knew exactly what to do.  She came over and sat with Ava, and they had a long talk about it.  I felt foolish, but hell, I’m a guy.

Christ, my daughter needs a mother.

“Chicken stir fry or Lo mein?”

She doesn’t look up from her cell phone, just keeps clicking away, texting her friends.  Thank God for the unlimited plan, otherwise we’d be out on the streets.

Damn it, that thing.  I can’t believe I caved in and got it for her.  I’m usually a lot stricter than that, and I didn’t want her to have a cell phone until she was at least fourteen, but she gave me those damn eyes, and a ‘please, daddy, all the other girls have one’, so I went to the store with her, telling her I was only getting her a pre paid one to make calls with, and that was it.

I walked out of the store with the newest flippy screen, texty thingy, my wallet three hundred dollars lighter.  I absolutely refuse to let her bring it to school, I hide it in a drawer before she goes to bed, and so far, she hasn’t complained that much.  I guess that’s good.  She’s learned to compromise.

“Ava.”

“Hang on, dad.”  She starts clicking the buttons faster.

“I swear, I’m going to throw that thing in a minute.”

She stops, looks up at me with wide eyes.  “Sorry.”

I sigh.  “Chicken stir fry.”  I hold up two bags of frozen food, and shake them in the air.  “Or Lo Mein.”

“I hate that brand.”

“Live with it, baby doll. It’s on sale, and I have a coupon.”

“Chicken stir fry, I guess,” she mutters.

I toss it into the cart. It’s still our tradition.  Grocery shopping is something we always, always, do together, although I can tell the excitement is starting to wear thin for her.  Jesus, she’s growing up, so damn fast. I mean, she’s only twelve.  I have time but...I just feel like it’s slipping away from me. In a year or so she’ll have developed her social group, even more than it is now, and she’ll want to hang out with them after school, instead of racing home to be with me everyday.  I’m so scared of losing her like that, but I know I can’t admit it to her.  I’d be considered her ‘dorky dad’, and that doesn’t fly with me.  I want her to live, to have friends.  She’s adjusted so well, socially, became a popular kid, and has a lot of girlfriends.  I’ve been trying to get to know all of them, and their parents, and they all seem like good, well brought up girls.  Their parents have welcomed me with open arms.  Sometimes one of the families will have a barbeque or birthday party and I’ll attend it with my daughter.  I haven’t let anybody else that close to me, but I guess...I can say that I have other acquaintances outside of Trace and Carter, even though I won’t get into details about my life with those people.  They don’t pry though, so I guess it works out both ways.

“Can we get deli cut meat instead of the wrapped kind?”

She’s put her phone in her pocket, and it makes me smile.  It’s not often I splurge, not anymore.  We’ve been on a strict budget the last few months, because...I’ve received an amazing opportunity.  It’s no secret that Carter’s promotion gave him a huge boost in salary, and for the past year, he’s been looking for a bigger, newer house for himself and his family.  They finally found one, a few months ago.  It’s still in Santa Monica, but much bigger, with a lot more room for the kids.   After they were moved in and settled, I asked him and Marilyn why they hadn’t put their house on the market yet.  That’s right, they paid for their new house, cash.  But, after everything Carter endured when it came to Betsy, it was about time something came easy for him.

“Well, we’re not really hurting for money right now.  I guess...we were waiting to see when you’d be ready to buy it,” Carter smiled.

I was floored.

He’s giving me an amazing deal, cut a few hundred grand off the price, and now, we’re in the final stages of closing on the house.  If everything goes right, we should be able to move in before the holidays.  I was approved for the mortgage, of course, and Carter and I have been working out a budget to include the house payment, and all the other expenses in my life.  It looks good, and he tells me that when I get into the bank management program, the finances will get a lot easier.  He’ll give me a decent raise, and it will help out a lot.  I told him that one of my biggest concerns was not being able to give Ava things once in a while.  Of course, she’s always understood why she can’t have a lot of material possessions, but it doesn’t mean I feel good about it.  Now that she’s becoming more social, I know she’s starting to notice the trends that her friends get into.  Most of them, I know, are too expensive for our budget, but she never complains, never tells me I’m horrible for not being able to buy her an expensive pair of shoes or designer jeans.  The phone was a stretch, but I wanted to do something for her.  She just goes with it, and I think the kinds of friends she keeps, don’t hold it against her.   So I’ve set up a special little savings account, with Carters help.  I can put twenty to thirty dollars a week in it, so when a rainy day comes, when I want to celebrate something, or when the holidays come around, I can dig into it and do something nice for her.

It’s reassured me, so much.

“That sounds okay, baby.”  I nod.  “The store brand though, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

She smiles, and then, she reaches out for my hand, which I give her right away.  “Stop growing up so fast, would you?”

“Oh dad,” she sighs.  “You’re silly.”

Dad.  Oh, man.  That’s twice tonight.  My little girl is definitely fading into a young adult, but at the same time, she’s turning into a great person, and I guess...that’s thanks to me.

But Betsy has played a huge part it in it too, from the time she was brought to her at that state home until now.  Without that guidance, I know, she wouldn't be the same kid that’s standing next to me right now.  Her birthday is next week, and while she’s told Carter that she doesn’t want anything done for her...of course we’re planning a small party.  She deserves it, more than anyone, and Ava and I talked about it, agreed to do something a little bit special for her that she’ll remember for a long time.  I hunted down a Wurlitzer, a rentable one, there’s no way I could buy one, but I was sure it would make a difference for Betsy, even if it was just for one night.  I was able to secure one that only plays 45’s and had them load it up with as many songs as I could remember from the one she had when she was living with Preston.

I’m praying it goes off without a hitch.  That she’ll like it.  That it won’t just be a reminder of everything he did to her.  The more I see her though, the more I talk to her, the more I can tell that she’s sort of made peace with that.  That she’s been able to forgive the guy, in a way.

We go up to the deli counter, and I grab some rolls while Ava surveys the store specials written on the board.  Her favorite brand of cheese is on sale, and it’s not the store brand, but I cave in and decide I can live with a dollar more a pound, for Ava’s sake.  We load up on bologna and ham, and turkey breast, before we’re satisfied.  “Make sure you don’t eat all the cheese in two days, baby doll,” I smile at her as we walk away.  “No picking from the package, it goes on sandwiches, got it?”

“Got it,” she smirks.

We get up to the registers, and I have Ava pick out a couple of candy bars as I push the cart into a lane.  She picks a Twix bar and a set of Reeses Peanut Butter cups, and as always, we open them up, eat them and talk while we wait for our turn to come.  It’s the best part of shopping, this part. We’re stuck in line, have no choice but to chat about nonsense for a while, and it’s lame, but sometimes I’ll pick the longest line in the place to get some extra time doing this with her.  There will come a time, I’m sure, that she won’t want to waster her time doing this anymore, so I cherish it, every time.

“It’s like this.” Ava laughs and backs herself further into the lane as she starts demonstrating some kind of crazy hand movements she saw on TV, managing to clock the person in front of her in the back.  

“Ava!” I laugh.  “Careful.”r32;
“Oh!”  She turns around and gasps when she comes face to face with the person she just clocked.  “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

“No bother,” she laughs.  “I...”

When she looks up, I know, without a doubt, who it is.  I feel my smile fade away, and all I want to do, is take my daughter and get out of here, say fuck the groceries, because I don’t trust her.  I don’t trust her not to...tell me I’m a bad person, that I don’t deserve Ava, that she’s going to try and take her from me.  “Ava, come on.”

“Justin...wait.”  

Ava comes and takes my hand, and she doesn’t say anything.  She’s confused, but she would be.  She doesn’t know my mom.  She only saw her once, when she was a baby, and then we were cast away like vermin, because Craig said it was a bad idea for her to try and help her son out.  “We’re good.”

I yank the cart back bitterly, and start to walk away.

“Daddy...”

“It’s fine Ava.  We’ll come back tomorrow.”

“Justin would you wait a minute please?”

She’s following me, but I have no idea why.  She hasn’t cared about me in years, not since I did all that shit to her, stole, became somebody else other than her son.  But I called and told her I was better...and she still wouldn’t trust me, wouldn’t help me, and I wound up in the hospital, bruised and broken because of it.

I keep walking.

“Justin, please.  Please give me just a minute.”

I stop, squeeze my eyes shut.

“Daddy who is that?”

I sigh, and look down at my daughter.  She’s looking up at me with those eyes, the eyes she got from me, that I was given by my mom, and I know...she deserves the truth, if nothing else.  After all, this was Deb’s wish too, although, I’m not ready to fulfill it.  Still, I turn, dont’ answer my daughters question just yet because I’m not ready to.  “What? You’re suddenly ready to talk to me?”

She stands before me, looking me up and down, and can’t seem to help but smile.  I know...she sees me differently now.  I’m put together, don’t have scabs on my face.  I’m not drained of all my energy, and obviously, I’m not trying to steal these groceries.  I’m also with Ava, the baby she hasn’t seen in twelve years.  Her granddaughter.  “You look good, Justin.”

“I know.”

“Hello, Ava,” she smiles, putting her attention on my daughter.

“Who’re you?”  She looks up at me again.  “Who’s she?”

And I know I have to tell her.

“Ava...this is your grandmother,” I say gently.  “She’s my mom.”

“Oh...” She looks back at her, and I can see a slight smile pull at the left corner of her mouth.  “Hi.”

They shake hands.  It’s fucking weird.

“How long have...you been doing all this?”

“A couple of years now,” I nod.  “I put my life back together, even though you didn’t think I could.”

She presses her lips together.  “I...I shouldn’t have pushed you away, but I didn’t know what else to do.”

“Where’s Craig?”r32;

“Home.”

I nod.  “Well, it was nice seeing you, I guess.”

“How about dinner? At the house? Maybe this weekend?”

I put my hand on the shopping cart, while gripping Ava’s with my other.  I shouldn’t.  It’ll be fucking awkward.

Ava needs her grandmother, too.

God, Deb.

“What about Craig?”

“It’s not up to Craig.  You’re my son and I’ll decide if I want you to come over my house.  Sunday afternoon.  Maybe five o’clock?  I can make a pot roast.”

I sigh.  Of course, it doesn’t matter how uncomfortable this is for me.  It’s important for Ava to have her in her life.  Deb died before she had a chance to spend time with her daughter, and I don’t want the same thing to happen with my mom.  If nothing else, Ava deserves time with her grandmother, because it’s not her fault that we had a falling out.  “I’ll be there, I guess.”

“Thank you.”

I nod, and then I go get into another line.  She leaves, doesn’t pressure me about anything else, and the longer I stand in the line, I start to calm down and realize that maybe...maybe I need her too.  I need this new start, a relationship with my mom, because she’s the only other family that I have out in the world.  It’s important, and I’ve come too far not to take this step.  

“Is she nice, daddy?”

I look at my daughter as we start to load up the conveyor with our groceries.  “She’s nice.”

“Do you think I’ll like her?”

I smirk.  “Yeah, baby doll.  I think you’ll like her a lot.”

And I know I’m right.