Balloons, streamers, a long table with a few trays of food laid out, and a pile of plates and silverware for the guests to use.  There’s a rented jukebox in the corner too, and I know it’s been brought in because of my love for records, even though it’s been ages since I’ve felt like dancing.  I wish I could say this is Carter and Marilyn’s housewarming party.  I mean, they haven’t been in the new house all that long, but it’s not that, at all.  It’s for me, for my damn birthday, and I really wish my brother would listen to me sometimes.  

“Carter, I’m going to kill you.”

“Just go with it.” He laughs.  “People want to celebrate your birthday.”

“I told you I didn’t want a party.”

“And you actually thought I would listen to you?”  He rubs my shoulders a little and laughs in my ear.  “C’mon Bets.”

Of course there was no stopping him.  That’s Carter though.  The minute he showed up on our parents doorstep that day to bring me home, I knew how excited he was, and he’s been blissfully happy, complete in a sense, ever since.  I was finally ready to start my life over again, for real, after another year in Napa.  It wasn’t as awkward this time, coming home.  It felt right, for once, and for that I was thankful.

It’s been a month.  I was able to get a temp job as a receptionist at chiropractors office, and she likes me so much that she’s considering keeping me once my contract expires.  By that time, I’m sure, I’ll be able to pull off a full work week.  For now, I’m just pulling two or three days a week, six hours a day.  My therapists insisted I start off slow, that pushing myself too hard right away could result in a relapse, and I took their advice seriously.  Carter has been helping me, making sure I don’t take things too far.  He wanted me to move back in with him, but I put my foot down.  I was tired of living with other people, leeching off of them.  The therapy helped me to change, and in return, I was able to become a little more like that strong independent woman who had a place of her own before Preston came into the picture.

So Carter finally caved in, and helped me move out on my own.

It’s not huge, just a one bedroom apartment, but it’s good enough for me.  I can have privacy now, everyday, and as much as I love them, I don’t have to listen to Lucas and Ashley screaming at each other while they play.  My life is simple now, and much more relaxed.  I take bubble baths and burn aromatherapy candles, read books and eat chocolate covered whatevers.

It’s great.

Although, there’s still a void.  I know there is, as much as I hate to admit it.

After all this time, after how independent I’ve become again, I still miss him like crazy.  I...feel like I need him.

I just don’t have enough guts to tell him, or let him captivate me, though.  I’m afraid I guess.  Afraid I’ll let him down, or something tragic will happen.  There’s also Ava to think about.  While we’ve grown close again, while I’ve been helping her through the early stages of puberty and whatever else she needs, I know that if Justin and I were to start something and it ended badly...she would be crushed.

I can’t let that happen to her.  Not again.

But it’s still hard...to ignore that longing inside of me.  Maybe it’s why I spend more time with Ava than I do with him.  It’s too painful for the two of us to be alone together.

Justin’s doing so well, despite everything.  Carter helped him so much.  He’s even selling Justin the old house, and because he went to school, he’s been promoted at the bank, and is about to enter the management program.  I couldn’t be prouder of him, for building himself up from that guy who seemed to have lost all of his hope.  He’s going to be okay now, won’t turn back.

And I won’t either.

The doorbell rings, just as Marilyn makes her way into the party area with a big birthday cake.  I roll my eyes, cross my arms, and begin to pout.  Carter smirks and tells me to put on a ‘happy face’, as he makes his way to the door, and I know I have to, because nobody else will be coming to this thing besides members of the family and close friends...

Justin too.

That’s the only thing that makes me smile.

Our parents arrive first, and naturally, Carter and I get caught up in a conversation with them for a while about how things are going up in Napa, and how I’m progressing down here.  It’s good, talking to them, communicating with them, letting them love me completely.  It’s like...having parents for the first time.  Before I saw them more as guardians, even though I called them mom and dad.  Then, it’s Trace and Kate, and while we never became super close, he’s still great friends with Carter so he shows up to crap like this anyway.  Surprisingly enough, I get a quick kiss on the cheek from him, and hell, even a birthday card.

Times are a changing, but I guess its a good thing.

Everyone has already made plates for themselves by the time the doorbell rings again, and even though I’m shoving some chicken in my face, Carter comes over and takes my food from me, winks and says, “You can get that one.”
It’s Justin, without a doubt, and I roll my eyes.  “Seriously?”

He just laughs, and wanders away, with my food too.  That jerk.  

“Hey.”  He smiles when I swing open the door, shoves his hands in his pockets and rocks back on his heels.  It’s obvious that he’s uneasy, but then again, he’s usually like this when we come face to face, and I guess I can’t deny that my face is burning, just a little.

“Hi, Justin.”

We lean in and give each other a long hug.  It warms me, makes me feel loved, when his arms encircle my body and pull me tight to his chest.  He feels stronger, thicker, like he’s been building up his body.  I know he and Carter have started to go to the gym together.  That must be it.  He smells great too.  Aftershave mixed with fabric softer, and the subtle smell of his daughters favorite bubble bath that she knocked all over the clean laundry last week.  I don’t want to let go.

But I have to.

“Happy birthday,” he whispers, when I pull back from him.

“Thanks.”

“Miss Betsy!”

I look down.  She’s the only thing that could force me to tear my gaze from his intense blue crystal eyes.  “Hi Ava,” I smile
r32;She hands me a bouquet of flowers and smiles brightly as I take it from her.  “Happy birthday!”

“Oh thank you!” I smile, smell them, and then crouch down to kiss her cheek and hug her tight.  I think Ava might be the only other person in this world that matters more to me than my brother, and Justin.  I know I’ll always be here for her, no matter what life throws at me.  

I’ll just...I’ll never be able to abandon her, walk away from her, and even though Deb didn’t really know me, I like to think she can rest in peace knowing her daughter will always have some type of a mother in her life.

“Did you see the juke?”

I give him a strange look.  “It got here this morning.”

He nods.  “I didn’t know what else to get you, and I couldn’t afford to buy you one to keep so...I figured this was the next best thing.

I glance over at it, and then back at him, the smile pulling at my lips.  “You got that? I thought it was Carter.”

He shakes his head.  “We never got that dance, you know?”

I stare at him.  “What’d you mean?”

“Well you know...my leg was broken and that jukebox at the condo just sort of went to waste.  I thought maybe...you would let me have at least one dance with you tonight.”

“Oh...”

The idea of letting him hold me in his arms while we slow dance together absolutely terrifies me, even though I wish it didn’t.  I know how good it would feel but I’m so scared of letting him that close.  So scared that I’ll screw it up.  “Well, maybe later.”

I walk away, leave him standing there, like a fool.

God, I’m an idiot.

Soon, he settles in on the other side of the room by Trace and his wife, and Ava runs off to play with Lucas and Ashley.  They start an upbeat conversation, filled with laughter and happiness that I know I’m not a part of.  It’s okay though.  I’d rather get his mind off of me before Carter decides to start a dance party.

“Okay everybody.” Marilyn smiles.  “Let’s light the candles on this cake and get the party started already.”

Naturally, everybody gets to their feet and watches Marilyn light the candles on my cake.  Thirty.  Seriously.  It’s supposed to be one of those birthdays that you get wild and crazy at, but as far as my life goes, for now, this is as exciting as my birthday party will get.  

“Make it a good wish, Bets.”  Carter laughs and puts a stupid party hat on my head.  “You only get one.”

I feel Justin’s eyes boring into my head, and I glance at him quickly.  His arms are crossed, and he’s staring me down, like he’s dying to tell me something that I know I’m too afraid to hear.  

“Blow em out, Aunt Betsy!” Ashley giggles.  “You gotta blow really hard!”

With that in mind, I smile, close my eyes and start to blow, the only thing running through my mind, being the memory of Justin’s kiss on my lips, on my skin, and his smile.

His faith in me.

Everybody is clapping when they open again, and I find that I’ve blown them all out in one shot.

“Daddy can I have a piece with a rose on it? Please?”

Justin has decided to be the one to cut the cake, and he smiles at his daughter as she points to the exact location she wants cut.  “Yeah, baby, just let Betsy have her piece first.  It’s her birthday.”

He stares at me again, but I can’t meet his gaze.  “Thanks.”  A piece is cut for me, I take it from him, and then I decide I’ll be better off outside, so I go out to the deck to eat it.

“You’re killing the poor guy.”

Carter.

I glance behind me, and find he’s standing in the doorway, hands in his pockets, smirk on his face, like he knows how annoying he can be.  “What are you talking about,” I grumble, and shove more cake in my face.
r32;“C’mon.”  He slowly approaches me, and takes the seat next to me.  “You can’t see it?”

I look down and pick at the cake with my fork.  “See what?”

“Betsy.”

His eyes are narrowed when I finally look up at him, and I groan, roll my eyes.  “He’ll get over me.  Right now...there’s nobody else in his life, that’s all.”

“He doesn’t want anybody else.  He wants you.  Do you know how many times a week he asks me for advice on how to get you to come around? Betsy, he’s in love with you, and I know, somewhere inside you, you feel the same way.  Hell, I can see it on your face right now, you’re just...hell, I don’t know, afraid I guess.”

“It doesn’t matter how I feel.  I’m too messed up to have feelings for him.  I’ll just...hurt him.”r32;

“Or he’ll hurt you, right?”

I just stare at him.

“Betsy, if you don’t start taking chances now, when will you? It’s been a long fucking road, believe me, I know, I’ve lived it right along with you...but you’re...you’re better now.  You’re my sister again.  I know you can handle this and I know...if you don’t try, he’s going to find somebody else, and really get married this time around.  I don’t want you to live with that kind of regret.  You don’t deserve to.”

I press my lips together, and look up at the sky.  I don’t know what to do, but I know...my brother has a point, and the more I think about it the more I know that there’s nobody else in the world that I want by my side.  Am I just going to sit around, and let the opportunity pass me by? Let Justin meet some other chick, and marry her, instead of being with me?  “What if...”

“That’s just something you’ll have to live with.  What if.  But I wouldn’t be sitting here, telling you to go for it, if I thought you were making the wrong choice, Betsy.”

He’s right, and if nothing else, I know I can rely on Carter to point me in the right direction.  I’m so glad I got him back.  

“Do you love him?” He asks me.

I nod slowly.  “Yeah.  I do.”

“Then get in there, and tell him,” he laughs.  “Go on, already!”

I sigh, but when Carter gets up and pulls on my arm, I don’t hold back.  I get up, and let him push me into the house, ripping the stupid party hat off of my head so I won’t look as foolish.  I see him there, Ava in his lap and Ashley and Lucas stand in front of him, rambling on and on.  He’s laughing, and so is Ava, but he stops paying attention to them when I finally reach him.  He just stares at me for awhile, like he’s in awe of me...and I guess...I guess this is the way he always looks at me lately, I’ve just been too stubborn to see it, up til now.

“C’mon kids,” Carter calls from behind me.  “I set up a pinata in the backyard.  It’s filled with the good stuff from Target, not the cheap dollar store goodies.”

Naturally, Ava jumps down from her fathers lap, and the three of them barrel out of the house, leaving Justin and I standing there on our own.  We laugh, and then...it dies away, because we know that it’s just us now, left with no distractions.  It’s the first time, I think, since I came home.

“I didn’t mean to freak you out,” Justin whispers.  “About the jukebox.  We don’t have to dance.”

I sigh, and take a seat beside him.  “I’m just a mess.  It’s not you, Justin.”

He nods, and swallows nervously.  “I guess I just don’t want you to feel like I’m putting pressure on you...because...I’m not.  Sometimes I still get caught up in you, that’s all.  I’m sorry.  I know you’re...we...we’re not really meant for that.”

“Can we get our money’s worth, people?” Carter calls out, as he pops some of the provided coins into the machine and punches in some numbers.  “Get your asses up.  The kids are pulverizing the pinata.  They’ll be busy for at least an hour.”

We look at each other and laugh.  

“Your brothers a nut.”

I shrug.  “Yeah, but I wouldn’t have him any other way.”
Suddenly, a song that I recognize from my youth fills the room.  Wilson Pickets Land of 1000 Dances, and I know Carter and Marilyn are about to put us all to shame.  He grabs her by the waist and they start to dance just like they did when they were in high school and he was working at the diner.

“I didn’t know he could dance like that,” Justin whispers, as Carter continues to twirl his wife around.

I laugh.  “Yeah, he’s full of surprises.”

“I can probably fling you around, if you want.”

I laugh at him.  “Sounds painful.”

His smile fades.

“Lets do it,” I giggle.

He lights up again, and I pull him out into the middle of the room.  It’s really Carter’s living room, but the new one is so massive, that when you move the furniture out of the way, it’s big enough to have a dance party in, which I know, is one of the main reasons he chose this house over all the others.  Before I know what’s happening, Justin has taken both of my hands, and we’re dancing like two fools.  Neither of us knows the right moves, we’re just twirling around and swinging each other back and forth, laughing until the tears are pouring out of our eyes.

I’ve never had so much fun.

And then Wilson’s crys of ‘oh help me’, die away.  What happens next, is what I would always expect of my brother.

A slower song begins to play, forcing us to calm down, and fall into each others arms.

“I’m getting old,” he laughs.  “I think I pulled a muscle.”

“I probably did too.”

He pulls me closer, and allows me to rest my head against his chest.  I can hear his heart thudding, like so many times in the past, and it gets me to smile.

“Better?”

“A little.”

His hand is on my cheek, and I look up at him.  Then, he smiles a little, and after hesitating for a moment or two, he leans in, and kisses my forehead.  “How about now?”

I stare up at him, and my smile grows wider.  “Even better.”

He doesn’t hesitate after that, just leans in, and plants a long, sensual kiss on my lips.  The one I’ve missed.  The one I’ve longed for, since the day we were forced apart.  I kiss him back, make it last, pulling him down towards me, forgetting about everybody else in the room, including my parents.

“And now?” He whispers, when our kiss finally breaks.

“The best I’ve felt.”

He laughs gently, his eyes glossed over with emotion.  “I love you.”

And when I look up at him again, I know that there’s nothing holding me back from saying it this time.  There’s no Preston, no drugs, no fears of the future.  I have to go with my gut on this one, and I know...there’s nobody else I want to say it to more.  

“I love you too.”