To be honest, I haven’t been this nervous in fuckin’ years. I keep thinking that she won’t remember me, and even if she does, she’ll tell me that she hates me. Hell, I would. The whole car ride here I kept thinking back to when she was living with me. I was a fucking mess, and I couldn’t even see what that was doing to my daughter. She was dirty, sad...not like a kid should be. I was too selfish to change, and when I lost her...it was probably the best thing that could have happened to her. I know she’s probably been living better in the system than she ever did with me. She’s had good food, decent clothes, and a better education.
But even though she’s been better off without me for a few years, it doesn’t mean that I’m ready to throw in the towel. I want to work hard, I want to be Ava’s whole family again, and take care of her the way a man should take care of his children.
Only, Betsy Collins seems determined to keep me from my daughter if she can.
“She has a job to do,” Trace said it to me this morning as I sat in the kitchen waiting for her to pick me up. “DCF doesn’t care about you. Just remember that. They only care about what they’re being told to do, so don’t take it personally and don’t give her an attitude. Every remark she can make against you, is something the judge will taken into account.”
I just nodded a little bit. “I just feel like they’re all against me, for no reason. They can see I’ve cleaned myself up. That’s all that should matter.”
“They are against you, and they don’t care what you’ve done to change yourself.” He smirked as he clipped his name tag to his shirt. “Why would you think anything different of state employees? Especially in California? You already got a heads up to what type of person she is at the restaurant. That should keep you on your guard. You’re lucky, J. I mean...it sucked, there’s no denying that, but at least it opened your eyes a little bit.”
“I just...I don’t think I could try that hard to take somebody’s kid from them.”
“That’s why you don’t work for DCF.” He smiled and put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. “We have inventory at the store today, so I’ll be late, but definitely call me and tell me how everything turns out.”
“If I strangle her, I’ll use my one phone call and call you for sure,” I smiled.
“Asshole.” He laughed and shook his head.
“Baby did you see the lunch I packed for you?” Kate, Trace’s wife, called to him as she waddled into the kitchen. She gave me her usual nod and look of sheer disappointment as she went over and gave her husband a kiss on the mouth.
“Shit...” Trace laughed and went to the fridge. “Thanks, babe.” He grabbed his lunch bag out, and put it on the table. “I was actually looking forward to buying. Gotta love leftovers, though.”
“Hmph, we need that money for the nursery.” She nudged him playfully in the arm, before looking at me again, then back to her husband. “Did you...tell him?”
“Kate...”
I stared at them both, and the look on Trace’s face was telling me he didn’t have to say it. I just knew. She’d finally convinced him, finally gotten her way, and that meant it was time for me to get out of their house. It couldn’t have happened at worse time. The job interview went well, thanks to Tammy, and I was hired, but in the meantime I had no money, and I needed a couple of months to get a bankroll going before I would be able to move out. I knew Trace understood that, but Kate...she had never cared before, and as the baby grew larger in her belly, it was all too big of a reminder for her that I was a parasite that needed to get out as soon as possible.
“Look Justin,” Trace sighed as his wife gave him the look of death. “It’s not that you’ve been a bad house guest. It’s just...with the baby and all...Kate and I were just...we just...”
“We need the room,” she spoke up with a roll of her eyes. “The finished basement is going to have to be the babies playroom when it gets big enough, and we can’t have you living down there anymore.”
“How long do I have?” It was all I could say.
Trace couldn’t even look at me.
“You have two weeks,” Kate nodded. “I’m really hoping that you can do this for us, Justin. I’d hate to have to...you know, use force or something.”
“Are you...you’re serious?” I looked more at Trace than his wife, but when he still wouldn’t look at me, I was forced to look at Kate instead. “There’s no way I can find a place that soon. I’m broke.”
Kate sighed. “It’s not our problem. It never has been. Trace was doing you a favor but...it’s time to move on, and I know that if I called the police on you, you’d be in a lot more trouble. You don’t need that, I’m sure, so if you could just get out without a fuss, it would make life easier for everybody.”
“I guess I don’t have a choice then.” I laughed bitterly and slid out of my chair, roughly pushing it back in, before snatching my backpack and gift for Ava off the table. “Thanks a lot for your hospitality. I’ll remember this, if you guys are ever in rough spot, you know?”
“Justin...come on, man,” Trace called out as I stormed over to the door. “It’ll work out.”
But I didn’t turn back. I couldn’t, because he was my best friend who had helped me out, no questions asked, and the last thing I wanted to do was say something to him that I would regret. Deep down, I knew it wasn’t him. It was all Kate, but he was too pussy whipped to override her demands. He just loved her too much, and I guess...I guess if I was able to love a woman like he loved her, I might have understood his attitude a little better. But I didn’t. I never would, because my life was too fucked up to make room for a relationship.
All of that already had me in a bad mood when I discovered Collins waiting for me as I stepped out of the house, and when she made her big speech about me never being able to provide for my daughter, I found that I was even more pissed off. I tried not to say anything else after I told her to go to hell. I mean, I knew better. I shouldn’t have said that, but I was pissed and fucking...worried.
I still am.
But I’m forcing myself to put it out of my mind as I sit here, waiting for Collins to retrieve my daughter. It’s been twenty minutes, and I don’t know what the hell is taking so long, but then again...DCF is out to inconvenience me and make me feel unwelcome here. It’s not such a bad place. The grounds are really nice, and there’s a giant playground out back. The interior is nice, clean, and hundreds of finger paintings and drawings litter the hallways and the classrooms. This one in particular is Ava’s classroom, and as I glanced around I noticed of couple of things that she made. One was a paint by numbers dragon, and the other was a drawing of a puppy. I wanted to rip them both down and take them home, but I figured Collins would probably catch on and nail me for theft or something. There’s a lot of kids here too, so I’m sure Ava hasn’t been too lonely, although I have no idea how good she is at making friends. I mean, I wouldn’t know. I never paid attention to things like that before.
I feel like the scum of the earth. Like the worst father in the history of man kind, because as I’ve been sitting here, I quickly realized that I don’t know my own daughter at all. I mean, I bought her a fuckin’ Barbie doll. I don’t even know if she likes Barbie dolls. I don’t know what she likes, what she hates, what she’s scared of...
Fuck.
The door creaks open, and it makes me forget my insecurites for the moment, because I know...I know she’s finally arrived. I sit up in chair, reach up and make sure my collar isn’t messy, and check he bow I made on her gift is nice and straight.
I’m shaking.
I’m so unprepared for this.
Collins walks through the door first, looking back over her shoulder as she makes her way further into the room. “Come on, Ava,” she smiles gently. “It’s okay.”
I shoot up from the chair, nearly knocking it over in the process, and almost drop the gift in my hand, but manage to catch it in time. I’m sweating, feel like I’m going to throw up.
I can’t do this.
I can’t do this.
My ten year old walks into the room seconds later, and I find that everything I was thinking about just...melts away. It’s amazing to see her, how much she’s grown, and how good she looks. She has color in her cheeks, and a brightness in her blue eyes unlike anything I’ve been able to see before. Her light brown hair isn’t ratty, it’s combed nicely and held back by a red headband that matches the sundress she’s wearing today. She stops and stares at me, and all I can seem to do is stare back at her.
“Daddy?”
I feel like crying, but I know that I can’t. I have to be strong, and composed, because we’re only going to get a few hours together. “Hey Avi.”
She sobs, and then races to me. I’m shocked, but it doesn’t stop me from dropping her gift, crouching down, and catching in her in my arms when she reaches me. She wraps her arms tightly around my neck as I lift her off the ground, like she’ll never let go, and then she just cries. She cries and cries like she’s been waiting for this moment for years...and I guess...
I guess she has been waiting for years. She never stopped loving me, even though DCF tried to play it off like she didn’t care anymore, and I feel a renewed sense of hope light me up inside.
I have something to work towards now, really work hard for.
“Where were you!” She yells at me as she cries against my shoulder. “Why did you leave!”
I rub her back consolingly, laughing slightly, not being able to hold back the couple of tears that trail down my face. “I’m sorry, Ava,” I whisper, and kiss her forehead and cheeks. “I...I didn’t mean to leave you.”
“Can we go now? Did you come to take me home?”
She’s looking at me now, while I wipe the tears off of her small face. She’s so hopeful, wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her, and I glance at Collins, who is sitting in the far corner of the room, looking absolutely bewildered at my daughters reaction to all of this. “I’m working on it,” I whisper and bend down to place her gently on the ground. “I’m going to work really hard to get us back home but...for now, I’m going to come see you every Saturday. How does that sound?”
She shakes her head. “But I want to go home now.”
It kills me inside, because there’s nothing I can do to give her what she wants. “I know you do but...you wouldn’t want to live where I’m living right now anyway. It’s cold and...dirty.”
Because it’s called living outside.
She seems to understand, and simply takes my by the hand, clinging to it like she’ll never let go.
“I got you somethin,’” I say as I pick the gift up with my free hand, and let her lead me over to the opposite corner of the room that has a couple of bean bag chairs to sit on. “It’s not much but...”
A smile of delight takes over her face as she snatches it from me and rips it open.
Well, I guess that was a good idea.
“Oh Daddy!” She shrieks when she realizes what it is. “I wanted this one! I saw it on the TV!”
I realize that it doesn’t matter how long I’ve been gone. She always kept me with her, in her heart, and I did the same. I help her get the doll out of its package, and we spend the next several hours playing with it, talking about her school, what she likes and what she doesn’t like, who she’s friends with, and who her teachers are. I can tell she’s starting to get into boys a little bit, as much as that freaks me out. She keeps talking about those Disney Channel kids and who she thinks is the cutest, but I guess I don’t care what she talks about, as long as I get to spend the day with her. She picks out some books too and we read them together. It’s amazing to hear her read to me as we lay on the floor mats together, her snuggled up against my chest. She’s so smart, reads so well, and I’m thankful to the people who helped her along in life.
But of course, our happy time can’t last forever, and before I know it, Collins is standing above us, and I know that our time together has run short.
“All right little girl,” I sit up slightly, and help her to stand up. “I have to go but...I’ll see you next week.”
r32;“Why are you...why are you leaving, Daddy?”
I glance at Collins, infuriated. It’s not fair. I mean, why do I only get five hours with my daughter? That’s not nearly enough, but I don’t want to start questioning DCF’s methods in front of my daughter. She doesn’t really understand any of this, and that’s not her fault.
“Well your Daddy has to go work, honey,” Collins bullshits. “He has to make money so he can come see you every week.”
“No!” She yells. “No, I don’t want you to leave again!” She throws her self at me, and wraps her arms tightly around my legs. “Don’t leave!”
I press my lips together, and glare at Collins again. “Satisfied?”
She sighs harshly, and pulls a small walkie talkie off her waistband. “We’re having an issue in room twelve.”
“On my way.”
It’s a male voice, and I can’t help but wonder what the hell she’s doing. “Just leave it alone. I can stay for a little while longer.”r32;
“No.” She shakes her head, as Ava continues to wail against my legs. “This is the time alloted, and there’s nothing else I can do.” She crouches down, and smoothes her hand across Ava’s shoulders. “Ava, honey...please try to understand.”
“Get away!” She finally lets go of my legs and swats at her. “Leave me alone!”
For the first time in years, my parental sense seem to take over. I brush Collins aside then, and crouch down to talk to my daughter, face to face. I put my hands on her shoulders, and shake her just a little bit. “Ava, listen to me.”
“NO, I DON’T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME!”
“AVA, STOP IT!”
She shuts up, and her eyes get really big. I hate yelling at the kid, and I know...it’s probably not the best thing I could have done in front of Collins but I want to get through to Ava before she can just be...ripped away from me. “Listen,” I say it softer now, as I caress her face gently, wiping more tears away. “I’m not leaving you. I’ll never leave you again okay? I just...I have to work, and you have to go to school, but I’m coming back the same time next week. That’s seven days. You can count them down, maybe pick out some books you want to read and games you want to play next Saturday. Okay?”
“D-do you...do you swear?”
I laugh gently, and look down at the ground for a moment to retain my composure. “I pinky swear.”
She sniffles loudly, and holds up her pinky finger, and I laugh as I wrap mine around hers. “You believe me now?”
“You can’t break a pinky swear,” she says. “You get in big trouble.”
I laugh out loud. “You’re right. Miss Collins over there would probably ground me or something.”
She rolls her eyes, just as the classroom door opens and a security type walks in.
“Everything okay Betsy?”
Collins sighs. “Yeah...I...I think it’s under control now, David. Sorry.”
“You sure?” He looks at me uncertainly, like I’m scum.
I expect it.
“Yeah, we’re just about to go out to the car. Could you please take Ava back to her room for me?”
“Sure thing.”
“Come on, Ava. Say goodbye now,” Collins says, impatiently.
“Bye, Daddy.”
I wrap her up in my arms, and hug her tightly for as long as I can, before I feel somebody tugging her away from me. I find that it’s Collins, and I try my best not to glare at her. “I love you Ava.”
“I love you too.”
It’s the last thing we’re able to say to each other before she’s lead out of the room by the security guard. She glances back at me for as long as she can before she’s gently pushed through the door...and then just like that, she’s gone again.
“Well, I guess that didn’t go as badly as it could have.”
Collins says it but I barely acknowledge her comment. I’m too busy staring at the empty doorway, occasionally rubbing my face with my hands, trying hard not to start whimpering like a fucking pussy or something. Right now, the only thing I want to do is see my daughter, and seven days seems like seven years, but I’ll wait, and work hard, because it’s the only chance I have at this thing.
“Ready?”
She’s standing there, with her stuff in her arms, ready to take me back to my life...not that I really have much to go back to. The minute I get back to Trace’s I’ll have to start packing, and trying to figure out where the hell I’m supposed to go. Collins can’t know anything about it. If she finds out I’ve become homeless, I’m sure she’ll see to it that my visitation is revoked all over again. No, I’ll have to lie. Make sure I’m in front of Trace’s house every Saturday morning so she won’t suspect anything. It will be hard, and if Kate sees me she’ll probably freak out, but I’ll do it for as long as I can. r32;
“Yeah.”
We walk out to the car silently, and I say nothing to her when we both get in and she drives away. I just stare out the window, remembering the good times I had with my daughter today and nothing else.
“Ava seemed really happy to see you. I wasn’t sure how she would react when I told her you had come to see her.”
I shrug. I really don’t care what she thinks.
“I um...I meant to tell you that I’m really sorry about what Preston did to you the other night. He doesn’t think sometimes.”
I roll my eyes. “That’s nice. Feel better now?”
“No...”
“Just drop the act, all right? You didn’t give a damn then, and I know you still don’t.”
“Fine. Forget it.”
We ride on in silence, and I wish I could keep things this way for the rest of the ride. But there are too many questions brewing inside of me, and since Collins is the only person that has direct contact with my daughter every day, she’s the only one who will have the answers for me. “Who buys her those outfits?”
“I bought her that one.”
“You?”
She shrugs. “I don’t have kids, and she’s one of my favorites. I’ve gotten a few things for her, but I don’t let her wear them unless she has a visit or something.”
“What else do you do?”
She stares at me briefly, before focusing back on the road. “Sometimes I’ll help her with her schoolwork. We took a few hours a week together when she first came to the center. She reads much better now than she did.”
“Yeah. I saw that.”
“She’s smart. She’ll be okay,” Collins nods. “She just needs a little more stability. Today was a lot for her to grasp, I think.”
“No kidding.”
“I just...I hope you don’t let her down, that’s all.”
“You really have no faith in me at all, do you,” I scoff.
“I’d like to.”
“So what’s stopping you?”r32;
She laughs at me. “Justin, you don’t even have a drivers license.”
I scowl. “I did. It was revoked because of the drugs. It was part of my probation.”
“Well can’t you get it now?”
“Yeah.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
“Fuck, I dont know...maybe it’s because I wouldn’t have car to drive even if I did have one!”
“What about your GED?”
“That’s...I don’t know...”
The truth is, school was never my strong point. I have trouble focusing, don’t read all that well either. I mean, I can read, but I’m slower than most people I guess. I dropped out of school when I was seventeen, and before that, I cut class so much that I barely grasped anything that was taught to me anyway. I know it could help me a lot if I got my GED, and Trace has been pushing me to take the classes for years.
I just haven’t been motivated enough.
Up until now anyway.
“If you got your GED you could get a better paying job, you know? It would help your case,” she says. “Maybe you should look into it.”
“I have to work right now.”
“There’s night school. You’re going to have to work really hard, Justin,” she says. “I mean, you may think it but I...I don’t want to see you fail. You don’t seem so bad, and Ava obviously loves you. I guess...I underestimated the visit.”
“DCF always underestimates everything.”
“Maybe we do.”
Did she agree with me just now?
“So let me see her an extra day next week.”
“I can’t.”
“Why not? You seem to be the one in charge of her right now.”
“I am, but I can’t go against the court ruling. I could be fired for that,” she explains. “There’s nothing I can do, Justin. It’s six months and then the judge might let you start seeing her more if you meet the requirements. Focus on that for now.”
“This is bullshit,” I grunt. “And you know it is.”
“She wouldn’t be where she is if you’d made different decisions in your life. Don’t forget that.”
I shut my mouth and look away from her again. Of course she’s right, but fuck, she doesn’t have to throw it in my face like that. “You’re probably going to try and get her adopted when I’m not around anyway. Am I right?”
“I still have to conduct those visits, yes. It’s required by the state. If you were arrested, or something were to happen to you during this process, we would still want to have families lined up to take her. It’s only fair to Ava.”
It’s not what I want to hear, and I can feel my emotions pulsing inside of me, threatening to break me down so I turn into a mess, and that’s the last thing I want to do in front of Collins. I can’t give her the satisfaction, can’t let her know how much I hate myself for everything I’ve done to Ava. That sometimes I think she’d be better off without me. I just can’t, because I’m determined to get her back now, especially after this visit.
But the tears don’t hold back, and before I know it, my eyes are welling up and feel them on my face. I pray that she won’t notice, and when we pull up to Trace’s house again, I quickly get out of the car and do my best to get away from her.
“Hold on a second.”
I don’t want to stop, as I’m almost to the front door now, but I know I have to listen to her. Anything I do wrong goes against me, and I can’t afford that, so I slowly turn around, and wipe my face harshly. “What?”
She sighs, and walks over to me, before opening the notebook she’s been carrying with her all day, and pulling a piece of paper out of it. “Here.”
She hands it to me. It’s the picture of the puppy that I was looking at earlier. The one Ava drew. “Why are you giving it to me?”
“Because you deserve it. I’ll see you in a week. Think about what I said about the GED courses.”
Then she leaves, without another word, beeping at me twice before she drives away.
And I realize that as much as I want to hate her, I just can’t right now. It’s weird it’s like...now that she’s seen me interact with Ava, she doesn’t think I’m as big of a loser anymore. Hell, she was even giving me advice. Advice that I should take, even though I’m not sure if I will. I’m just confused...worried about where the hell I’m supposed to go after I leave this house, and what will happen to Ava if Collins discovers what I’m about to start keeping from her.
Strange as it is, I almost feel bad about lying to her right now. Her apology seemed genuine even though I was a dick about it, and then she gives me a piece of Ava, something I haven’t had in years. I don’t know what to think, if I can trust her...if I can eventually consider her a friend.
The only thing I know for sure, is that Ava will always be in good hands as long as Betsy Collins is around, and that makes me feel good, reassured that while I’m suffering, my daughter won’t be.
That’s all I’ve ever wanted, after all.
Author's Chapter Notes:
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