“I can’t help that I don’t have the hours,” he sighs and looks back down at his paperwork.  “The work just isn’t there this week.  I promise, I’ll let you know if I get a job.”

“What am I supposed to do until then?”

“I...” He pauses and sighs.  “I’m not real sure, Justin.  It’s not my problem, and I’m sorry.”

It’s never his problem.  Never anybodies problem.  It was real easy for him to give me the job, because he could afford it two weeks ago.  Now he’s finding that work is slowing down, and instead of finding something else for me to do around the office, he’s decided letting me go is a better option.  Is that even legal?  I guess so.  “Great. Thanks.”  I slide out of the chair and storm away from him, praying he’ll tell me to stop, that he can figure something out.

But he doesn’t.  He just lets me go, and when I get back onto the sidewalk, I realize that I’m once again unemployed, on top of being homeless.

This is bad, and when I start to cough again, I know things are going to get much worse.  My last visit with Ava, I was able to hide the fact that I was doing so horribly, but this week...I just don’t know if I’ll be able to pull it off.  It’s rained the last couple of nights, and as much as I’ve tried to shield myself from the elements, it hasn’t really helped much.  I bought a cheap tent when I was given my first weeks pay, but the wind has already taken it’s toll on the thing.  The water seeps in through the top, and drips down on me while I try to sleep.  I know I’m only going to get sicker if I don’t find some civilized means of shelter, but every shelter I’ve gone to has been full, or only accepting women and children

It’s like someone up there is against me.

Sometimes, I hate God.

I had all of my stuff packed a week after Kate gave me the deadline, and even though Trace told me to wait and stay until my two weeks were up, I told him I couldn’t handle being in the same house with his wife anymore.  He didn’t ask questions, of course.  He knew how I felt about her, so instead of creating more bad blood between us, he offered to bring me to lunch and see me on my way, casually slipping me a hundred dollars because he wanted to make sure I was going to be okay.  I told him my mom was going to let me stay with her for a few days, because I couldn’t handle the guilty expression on his face as I got out of his car that day, or that fact that I didn’t know when I would see him next.

But what I told him, was so far from the truth.

“Justin, you know I would let you if I could,” she told me, when I called her a few days prior, out of desperation.  “But you know how things are, and how Craig feels.”

I knew how things were.  Of course I did.  As much as she loved me, because I was her son, there was a still a big part of her that couldn’t trust me, and that went double for Craig.  The truth was, when I had been living with her, I did a lot of underhanded things so I could get my drugs.  I would steal money out of her purse, and sell things that I knew meant a great deal to her.  My grandparents wedding bands, her best jewelry, china, silver...anything I could.  It was when I decided to start stealing Craig’s stuff that he finally put his foot down.  He had me arrested, and it was the first time I ever spent more than a month in a prison cell.  You would think that would have taught me a lesson, but I was too arrogant to learn from my mistakes.  When I got out, I went back home, but the two of them told me I wasn’t welcome.   That’s when I went out into the world, alone.  I continued to use drugs, made a baby, and wound up in prison again, losing my daughter because of it.

“But mom...I...I have no place else to go.  I’m clean now.  I swear to God.”

I heard her sigh heavily, then sob a little, and I clung to the phone tightly as I leaned my head against the glass wall of the phone booth.  I knew she didn’t want to tell me no, that it was one of the hardest things she had to do, but I also knew that she wasn’t going to help me either.  

“I’m sorry, Justin.”

“So am I.”

Then I hung up.

I decided to make due, because I had no other choice.  I worked, I bought a tent, and eventually found a semi-safe spot to set up camp under an old underpass.  There are a few other guys there, and after talking with them a bit, they said I was welcome to share their space.  They do a fire at night sometimes, when they can find things to burn, but mostly...we keep to ourselves and stay in our tents at night, trying to keep warm.  It’s barbaric and sick that in a country like America, people are still forced to live this way.  I have no idea how I’ve been able to keep my current situation from Collins, either.  She hasn’t caught on I guess, because I’ve been able to change my clothes, and shower at the YMCA.  It’s been good, she’s seemed to warm up to me a little more each weekend that I go visit Ava.  Last weekend I said something, can’t remember what, but she actually laughed.  It reminded me that she had a personality, and a really...nice smile.

I pray that I can keep things going like this, find a job and a real place to live before I’m caught in a lie.  I know that...it would destroy everything I’ve worked for up until this point, and things are so great between me and Ava right now.  We have a real connection again, just like before...when I wasn’t high anyway.

I can’t lose that.

Because I’ll lose myself.

I go to the check cashing place on my way back to the underpass, and cash the tiny paycheck I was given today.  My final pay.  130 dollars for fifteen hours worth of work.  It’ll last me a week, maybe more if I really stretch my money.  I wish like hell I could stay in a motel, just for tonight.  But it’s either that or starve, and I’d rather not go hungry if I can help it.  I shove the money in my sock, and decide to make my way to the homeless shelter, to see if I can get in for dinner, and possibly a bed.

“We can give you a spot at supper, but we’re full for the night,” The man sighs as he flips through his occupancy list.  “You should try to get here in the morning, you’ll have a better chance at getting a bed.”

I nod, but don’t say anything else as he lets me walk past him and into the warm cafeteria.  My stomach is growling, and I can’t even think about anything else.  I didn’t eat last night...no room for me at supper, so I’m thankful to be getting a meal.  I grab a plate and silverware before jumping into line with the thirty or so other people that got here before me.  I can smell soup...chicken soup, and my mouth begins to water.

Fuck.  I feel like such a transient right now.

And I start to cough again, making sure to cover my mouth when I spot the two young kids in front of me, clinging to their mothers waist.  They look absolutely famished.  They’re dirty, tired, ragged from the elements.  The girl reminds me of how Ava used to look when I had her, and immediately my stomach begins to hurt, so I have to look away.  Then the line starts to move again, and I’ve never been so thankful for anything.

“Hey little ones,” I hear a woman’s voice say gently as I stare at the soup looming a few feet away from me.  “If you want some more tonight, you just come and find me okay?”

I hear their mother thanking her profusely, and it gets me to smile, look up at the compassionate woman who is trying to help those kids the best she can.

And I really, really wish I hadn’t.

Collins is standing behind the counter, smiling at the two kids and their mother as she hands them their dinner, and I know she hasn’t seen me yet.

Fuck.

I eye the soup, then her, then the soup, and decide to pull my ball cap down low over my eyes and hope that she won’t pay enough attention to me as I move through the line.  I do it silently.

“Hey there, how are you doing tonight?”

I just hold out my bowl and don’t make eye contact with her.  Then I hear the ladle hit the bottom of my bowl, and start to think that I’m off the hook.  I walk away.

“Wait a second.”

I pause, flinch.  

Damn it.

“You dropped your gloves,” she says brightly from behind me.

Crap.  My work gloves were in my back pocket.  “Don’t worry about them.”

“Well you must need them, right?”

Then she walks around to the front of me, smiling at first, but after getting a good look at my face, her expression falls into a confused glare.  “Justin?”

I brush past her.

“Don’t you....don’t you walk away from me!”

I feel her hand on my shoulder when I reach a nearby table, and I gently place my food down before letting out a harsh sigh and turning to face her.  “What, Collins? Gonna report me for trying to get some food?”  I plop down at the table and start shoving the soup into my face before she has a chance to stop me.

But she doesn’t say anything for a few moments, just stares and then takes a seat across from me.  “What about your paycheck?”r32;
I shrug.  “Bills.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I can just hear her eyes narrowing.
“I can’t eat Trace’s food.  It’s just not fair, so I come here sometimes, that’s all.”

“I volunteer here a lot and I’ve never seen you here before.  Did you get kicked out?”

How can she just...sense this shit? I don’t get it, and it’s getting on my very last nerve.  “No.”  I say it serious enough to be believable, and make sure to look in her in the eye.

“So if I go ask Trace he’ll confirm that, right?”

“Of course.”

I make a mental note to have Trace lie for me.

“Because if he lied to me I could have him arrested.”

I just stare.

“You look sick,” she tells me next.  “Justin...”r32;
“Look...I’m not lying to you, Collins.”  I drop my spoon into my empty bowl and get up harshly.  “I’ll see you Saturday, like always.”

“At least let me take you home.”

I wave her off.  “I got it.”

“Justin!”

I blow out the door, and start to run, taking a million different turns to make certain she can’t follow me.  After a while I find an empty alley to duck into, and I lean over, clutching the stitch in my side, looking over my shoulder every few seconds to make sure she’s not there.  

I’m alone, for now, but I have no idea how long I can keep this up or where the hell I even am.

The coughing starts again, and I slide down to the ground, clutching my legs tightly to my chest as I stare up at the sky, praying that things start to get easier soon.

“Well...what do we have here guys?”

I hear snickers following the deep, cold voice, and I shudder a little as I finally look towards it.  Men.  Four of them, looming above me.  I can tell right away that they’re all much bigger than me, and since I’m sick as a dog, I know hell will freeze over before I’ll be able to fight them off.  “I was just leaving,” I say, pathetically.

“You realize that you have to pay to hang out on our territory, don’t you street rat?”
The leader type says it, crouching down to meet my level, pinning me against the brick wall when I try to stand up.  I try to make out his face, but the moonlight is completely blocked out by his posse, and all I can see is the outline of a hooded sweatshirt, and deep black nothing.  “I...I don’t have anything.”

“Search him.”

In a flash, I’m kicked in the gut and pressed face first into the cement.  I groan and struggle, but it’s useless.  My arms are pinned behind me as one of them sticks his hands in the pockets of my jeans and sweatshirt.  I pray to God these guys aren’t smart enough to look in my socks...

But then my sneakers are yanked off, and when I feel the cool air hit my bare feet I know they’re going to find the rest of my money.  The only money I have.

“Well...looks like you do have something after all,” the leader laughs as my money is pulled free from my sock.  “Why’d you lie?”

I don’t say a word.

“Show him what happens to lying scum.”

I’m yanked to my feet, held up by two of the men as another stands in front of me, cracking his knuckles.  I’m shaking so hard, I couldn’t call out for help if I wanted to.

“Don’t let me find you snooping around here again.”

The leader walks away.

Then everything is a blur, a whirlwind of frightened, desperate cries and indescribable pain.  The man must kick and punch me in every single accessible place on my body.  I feel a rib, maybe two, crack, and my left leg is completely numb when they finally drop me down onto the pavement again.  I can’t move, just groan, and cough harshly when I’m kicked in the stomach one last time.

“Better learn your lesson, vermin.”

I lie so still, for such a long time. I know I’m sobbing, but I don’t care.  I’m too scared to care, and in entirely too much pain.  Then I finally realize they’re gone, and I try to move, to crawl, anything, but my leg...I just know it’s broken.  I let out a harsher moan, cry out for help, but nobody hears me.  Nobody cares.

I’ll probably die here.

But maybe the world....and Ava, will be better off that way.

With all of that in mind, my world goes dark.