I'm scared shitless to find out what the doctor found, but here's Jazzabee at my side as she assures me during the drive there and I squeeze her hand with mine, my fingers intertwined with hers. 'Next Contestant' plays, both of us fans of this song Nickelback released a couple years before and we smile at the CD playing as we sing with it. Belting this out, brings back memories of some of our fights we've had and I feel bad because of their contents. "Baby?" She hums her acknowledgement. "Can you play 'Far Away'?"
"Yeah, any others?"
"Just 'How You Remind Me' after."
"Mmm, okay." She plays the first song I requested, I'm unable to stop my voice as I sing it to her and I mean every single syllable. Between verses and throughout, kissing her when I get the chance and as we pull into the parking lot, she straddles my hips for a sensual kiss full on my mouth when she's sure it's parked. Our bodies end up pressed so intimately together in the driver's seat that I almost don't care about the appointment, but I have to push her away because of a promise I had made to her and I know I need the answer to what's wrong with me.
"I said I'd find what's wrong with me," I remind her, gently pushing her away.
She nods, giving me a small kiss and I can see the fear set in her eyes moments later. She sighs, tries to give me her most reassuring smile and closes her eyes a few seconds. She was praying for me. "Let's go get the results."
"Yeah," I reply, scared of knowing.
We're sitting in his office waiting for him, Jazz is trying to sit as patiently as she can and fails miserably. "I'm so scared," she whispers.
I stand up, pull my chair closer to her and place a sweet soft kiss to her lips. "I'll be fine." I hope I'm not lying, that would tear her apart from the inside out. She gives me a disbelieving glance. "I love you."
She slowly blinks her eyes, lips between her teeth and takes in a sharp breath. Just after I press my mouth to hers again, the doctor walks in. "Nick, how have you been feeling?"
"A little better."
"Well, I can tell you that you need a total 180 lifestyle change or you will die."
I don't think I understand what he's saying, I hope I'm wrong. "What?"
"You need to eat healthier, exercise and stop using controlled substances now or you will die before you're 35."
I search his eyes for any clue as to being funny, only spotting sincerity and honesty. I look at Jazz as she rubs my palm with her thumb, her ocean orbs watering show me that she doesn't want to lose me and I know she doesn't want me to die like this. "What did you find?"
"You have cardiomyopothy, it's a heart condition and it can be caused by many things, including use of controlled substances and alcohol abuse which is your case. It's also paired with eating poor nutrients in your diet."
"What is that?" she asks the gentleman across the desk from us.
'Siberia' has a new meaning to me, one I thought I'd never see or know and the roles are reversed, she's in the narrator's shoes. I never want her to feel like I have over the past few years when it comes to her, she's important and I truly mean I love her. I can't lose her, she's been there through most of the worst times that I've had and I need her support. So many more songs seem to reveal a second meaning to me now, songs like Kravitz's 'I Belong To You' opens my eyes when I hear it and I hear her fight back sobs. She squeezes my hand with one of hers, the other palm rubbing up and down my forearm as she tries to soothe us both. "I love you," I quietly tell her, my thumb caressing the side of hers.
"I love you," she reminds me.
"Nashville?" I suggest, trying to lighten the mood a little.
"After we get a place there."
She agreed to it and I suppose I'm surprised, she might just be in shock from it. "Okay, we can search online." I have to tour again soon, but I'm going to trust her with that.
We walk in the house, her cell pressed to her ear as she gabs away with Peter Katsis once she informed Fatima and I know the tour dates in Africa have almost been cancelled at this point because of my heart condition. "Thank you, Peter. He needs a few weeks to digest this and adjust to the necessary changes before heading back out on the road. I will have him check in once we've settled in. Yes. Of course. No, it's no problem. Bye."
"When do we tell everyone else?"
"We just take off, settle in and only tell those who need to-the guys, Oshai and your family," she suggests, her head falling to my chest and she pours out her emotional torment in tears on my shirt. I wrap my arms around her, pulling her as close as I can and I want to cry with her. She's soaking my shirt as she cries, the fear quickly becoming real to me and I can't let myself breakdown emotionally because I have to be strong for her. I take in a deep breath and release it, taking a moment to organize my thoughts into words.
I kiss her head and rub her back. "We can do that."
It's been a few days and we've aready found a place here in Nashville, settled in even. My family knows and she hasn't had much of a chance to get around to telling JC yet, but has been taking care of everything for me. Do I get a say about what she takes care of? No. I pull her short jean shorts and halter top clad body into my lap, kissing her. The house phone rings and she tries to jump up to answer it, but I pull her back into my arms to hold her in place. "Nick," she whines.
"Sam," I mock, holding tight to her hips.
"It could be important."
"We know what's wrong and nobody is sick."
"You are."
I sigh from frustration. "I'm going to be fine as long as I make the necessary changes in my life," I remind her.
"I won't lose you."
"You aren't going to, not without a fight."
She leans her body against my front, turning her torso toward mine and looping her arms around my neck. I hug her tightly and she sighs. We stay like this for a long time, not watching the clock because we have no reason to. "I love you," she tells me.
"I love you." I can't lie to her, I always have and everything has been put into perspective using different lighting. "Seven weeks, right?"
"Yeah, seven weeks to help you get settled into a better lifestyle." Things have been completely different since we got here, calmer and more laid back. I must admit it's nice and comforting, absolutely soothing to me.
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