I've been up since 5am, cleaned the house top to bottom and paid a few bills that are due next week online. I do that while telling him not to worry and that he should just kick back, he needs to rest his heart. He usually falls asleep around 1 or 2 and it gives me enough time to run around the block a time or two before snagging a shower, starting dinner after.
Once we've been here two weeks I'll have him start running with me, one of the changes he needs to do. I've begun making healthier meals for him, getting recipes from a sight online.
Paramore plays from my iPod deck, my head bopping to 'Pressure' and it just strikes a nerve and I change the song to 'That's What You Get' before I give up on changing the mood I'm in. I feel his strong hands around my waist and his head on my shoulder, kissing the side of my neck softly. I can't help but smile for God allowing me to have this time with him, for letting Nick live.
"Thank you, Jazz."
"You know I don't always run when things get tough, just when I need to clear my head."
"Can I be honest for a moment?"
What could he have to confess? Did he cheat? Did he slip up and get high? Did he drink? Did he lie? Does he want to break up? "Sure," I say, smiling at him.
He kisses my lips, pulling me closer and holding me tight. "I thought you would've ran considering the severity of everything and how serious we've become. You have a history of running, we both know it and it's what I expected you to do."
That's the truth, I won't deny it and I didn't expect him to say it to me after only being here a week. I rest my head on his chest, sighing. "I didn't because you need me the most right now."
His cell rings, he glances at its display and his sky blues meet my turquoise ones. "It's your older brother."
My half brother stopped calling and writing, only commenting on my Facebook once in a blue moon and the only brothers I do have are Nick's and the two Chasez ones. I smirk, knowing it's because I haven't called him in close to two weeks. I take it and accept the call. "Hey, Oshai. Sorry for not calling."
"Well, what's going on?" he questions, concern dripping from each word.
"I turned my phone off to let him rest."
"What did the doctor find?" He's even more up in arms now.
"Oshai, he has cardiomyopathy. He needs to relax and change his life around, eat healthier. It's he either does a whole 180 or his life dangles by a single thread."
"What has he changed?"
"He hasn't had any drugs or alcohol since you saw us last, he's eating better and in a week, he's going to start running with me."
"WOW! That's great!" he exclaims happily, almost chirping.
Nick's eyebrows raise and he smiles, pecking the tip of my nose. "Yes, I'm proud of him."
"You should be! Make sure you don't expect him to be perfect, he might relapse."
"I know, I've already put that into perspective."
"Would it be okay to come see you?"
"I'd rather it just be Nick and I for now."
A couple days have gone by and I'm talking to Aaron via Facebook messenger while Nick's still asleep. 'Has he gone back to himself?'
'Yes, he's back 2 the sweet man I fell for b4 we met'
'good :)'
'he does have his days tho. :('
'How often is that?'
'it happened yesterday, but I think it's cuz his system is ridding itself of the toxins and he's going through withdrawl'
'could be'
'I hope so'
'would he want me around?'
'after he calmed down and we were lying in bed, he said that he misses you...he wants you to visit at least'
'X)'
'stop cheezin, airboy lol'
'I'm his fave'
'out of the first set'
'what abt Kam and Tae?'
'Tae'
'hahahahahahahaha! of course.'
'when can I expect u?'
'just after 7/4'
'that sat?'
'during the wknd, yea'
'love you lil bro :*'
'love u 2. keep him strong. :*'
'I try'
'thnx 4 coming < when he needed you the most n 4 staying with him. Idk wht we wld do wo u'
'I never cld turn away when any1 really needs me'
'I appreciate that. thnx 4 helpn me before, always there 2 bail me out of trouble'
'u cld never keep urself out of it!'
'hahahahahaha ikr?'
'always bailing ur ass out of one thing or another smh'
'not lately X)'
'finally! XD'
"Jazzabee?" he calls through the house.
'g2g Kaos is up ttyl txt me <3'
'ok will do. dnt tell him I'm coming, make sure he's knows we're all proud of him n <3 him :)'
'def will :)'
I log off and leave the laptop on its home screen. "Who were you IMing?"
"Aaron. He and the rest of your family say hi, they love you and are all proud of you," I inform him as he crouches down to my level in the chair, his arms resting on my thighs and we smile at each other.
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
"I'm sorry for being an idiot, not listening to you and hurting you the way I did," he says, his fingertips brushing the sides of my lower back. He puts his head in my lap and I run my fingers through his hair, waiting to see if he has anything else to say. "Thank you for being here."
"Nick, you need someone to help you and I don't see why I can't."
"You've put everything on hold for me and I don't deserve it."
"You do, you needed someone to stand up and say enough. I wasn't enough, that's when I told Howie about the whole situation."
I hiss when he brushes a bruise he gave me the last time he snorted. "Did I hurt you?" he asks, scared he just did it.
"A couple weeks ago."
He feels bad, I see it in his eyes and I know it's genuine remorse. "Why would you put up with that?"
"Nick, it wasn't you; it was the monster."
He looks so weak, so tired and I'm surprised he's even awake. "You need to lay down, come on." I rub the side of his face and he pulls in a sharp breath.
"I am tired alot lately."
"You're crashing, that's why."
"What'd you do? Look up cocaine withdrawals online?" he jokes.
"Other than reading books concerning it and talking to other people who have gone off it."
We get up and I lead him to the couch. He sits in the corner piece of the couch and pulls me down to him, my knee almost hitting him in the crotch. "Whoa."
"Sorry." I bite my lip and he smiles while I readjust my body, making sure that I straddle him.
"Not your fault."
His breath smells like mint and he won't let me touch his stomach. "Did you throw up?"
"Yeah, soon as I got up."
I nod and cuddle to him, a phone interrupting us. I go to get up to answer it and he holds me tight, refusing to let me up. "Nick."
"Let it ring." He hasn't said that to me since the first time we had been together.
"For you." I lay my head on his shoulder and play with his hair, his body relaxing under mine.
The answering machine clicks on and we hear their publicist, J's voice pour out into the house. "Nick, we need to figure out what to tell the press. Why isn't Jazz answering her cell? Or her Facebook? Or her Twitter? Or her e-mail? Call me back."
His hand lazily rubs my back while the other slips in my hair, scratching my head. I notice how exhausted he is and I don't want to pin him, so I try to get up again. "Please don't go."
I relax my body again, kissing him. He's so needy, but I guess it comes with the whole situation. This leaves me with time to think about the past three years and everything I've been through, especially when it comes to Nick. Oshai has stood behind me for the most part and I think he understands why now. I never told anyone that Nick had been abusive to me when he was high and angry, but then again it wasn't really him; it was the monster.
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