The sweet smell of kettle corn immediately filled my nostrils as we stepped through the large archway this morning, and paid our way into the fair. Lacey gripped my hand tighter and leaned her head against my shoulder as she smiled while our group walked to the first kiosk, and I didn’t stop her, because being with her was the logical thing, the only thing that made sense since I was officially back in Wytheville for good. After the visit she paid me that day, I couldn’t seem to resist her anymore. At the dinner table, she seemed like family all over again. Karen, my sister who is younger than me by a year, stopped over for dinner that night, and made small talk with Lacey about the fair, how she was baking a pie along with momma. My youngest brother and sister, Rebecca and Garret, talked her ear off about everything that was going on in their lives, as they always did in the past. My parents were all smiles, seeming to know that Lacey and I would be getting back together soon, just like they always wanted.
It felt like I was really back. Like I’d never left.
That night, after supper, we went for a walk down by the lake behind the farm, sat and watched the stars as the moon crept out from behind the clouds. We talked about everything...about what happened before I left for the city, about her and what she’d been doing, about me and my crazy situation. She didn’t hold it against me, tell me I was a bad person for getting involved with somebody like Tory. She said she was proud of me for doing what was right for Ben, and that if I let her, she’d stick by me, help me, and possibly even love me.
I remembered that girl then. The girl I used to love, and I couldn’t help myself. I kissed her right there, by the lake, and told her how much I missed her, that I tried to push her away after I left town, and how I regretted that decision.
We’ve been together ever since, just seemed to melt right back into the relationship we used to have, and I know I’m better for it. Ben is too. He’s taken to her right away, loves to spend time with her, and Lacey has been making a contentious effort to learn how to sign. I sit with her often, work on the basics with her. It’s brought us that much closer together.
I’ve almost forgotten about Esme.
Almost, but something inside is holding me back from letting her go completely. It’s frustrating the hell out of me. I just want to move on with my life and never look back at what I almost had. It’s too depressing, knowing I lost my shot at my dream. I know I’ll marry Lacey Cooper in a year or so, and we’ll start a family. I’ll work on the farm until it’s time for my parents to pass it down to me, and then I’ll run it, just like my father always has, and when Ben is old enough, he’ll start to follow in my footsteps as best he can with his disability. If Lacey and I have a son, he’ll do the same thing.
That’s our destiny, but I know it could be a lot worse.
“What’s his favorite?”
I smile as I look down at Ben. His mouth is smeared with chocolate from the homemade fudge we bought a few minutes ago, and his eyes are wide as he looks up at all the different balloon animals scattered around the booth. I sign to him, ‘which animal do you like’, and he smiles, real big, which I love to see.
“Bir...bir.” He manages and points to the one on the far right of the booth, excitedly. “Birrr.”
“We’ll take the bird,” I smile and fish a couple of bucks out of my wallet to hand to Becki, the lady that’s been doing this since I was Ben’s age, but she waves me away.
“It’s on the house,” she smiles, and begins to twist the blown up plastic into shape. “Welcome back, dear.”
It’s crazy. In the city I was nothing, vapor, but here it seems like I’m this big celebrity. Most of the locals know me as the one who got his shot in the big city, and even though I didn’t succeed, it doesn’t make them any less proud. That’s what small towns are like I guess. Nobody does much of anything, but when somebody does, it’s a big deal.
“Here’s a bird for big Ben.” Becki smiles and leans over so she can fashion the bird balloon hat on my son’s head. “Y’all have fun now. See you at the dance?”
“Oh, yeah.” I nod. “We’ll all be there.”
“Heard you’ll be there with somebody special,” she winks.
I feel the color rise to my cheeks, and clear my throat slightly. “Well, yeah...”
“You and that Lacey Cooper. We all just knew that would happen when they said you were movin’ back. When’s the weddin’?”
I laugh slightly and roll my eyes as I take my son by the hand. “Don’t push it. I haven’t even gotten to the sand art booth yet. Mary Wilkinson is gonna yak my ear off. We’re just starting out.”
“Well if you ask me, the two of you should have been married off a long time ago.”
I expect it, from everybody. People don’t forget you here, not easily. Everyone is in everyone else’s business, and if they like you, who you spend your time with, they let you know it. It’s one of the reasons I was so keen on getting out of here, but now that I’m back, I’m comforted by the welcome I’ve received. “I’ll keep that in mind, Beck. Thanks again.”
“Anytime, see you tonight.”
I have Ben sign her a thank you, and then we wander off, across the fair to the designated place I agreed to meet Lacey and our friends. Rebecca is competing in the beauty pageant this afternoon and has spent the morning getting made up by my mom, my sister, and Lacey. Momma always sent me these pictures of her dressed up in gaudy evening gowns when I was living in the city. Last year, she was second runner up, and I’m so...lucky...to get the chance to possibly see her crowned Miss Wytheville later today.
I’d much rather jab needles into my eyes, actually.
Ben delays our travels when he spots a clown doing face painting, and I allow him to stand there for a few moments, watching as the clown paints and makes funny faces. Later on, I’m sure I’ll be forking over ten bucks to have the same thing done to my son, but I’ll pay it, because he’s been through so much and I want to give back to him if I can.
“Hey.”
I turn slightly, smile when I see Lacey standing at my side, and I kiss her lips gently. “Hi. We got sidetracked a little bit.”
“It’s fine. You should see your sister though. She looks stunning, even more than she did last year. I think she has a shot at this thing.”
I shrug. “I’ll see her in a bit.”
“You know, if she wins, she gets a fifteen thousand dollar scholarship for state college. Isn’t that great? Your momma was telling me it would be a burden off her shoulders, since she’s been worried about how the family is going to put her and Garret through college. Money isn’t what it used to be for farm people. It’s a shame.”
I nod, slightly. I know it’s true. With foreign imports and the cost of equipment going up, we’re lucky that the farm hasn’t gone under. While my father never goes into specifics with me, I can see the strain on his face most of the time, even when I’ve brought in a good load from the fields. Our client list just isn’t what it used to be, and I know...his booth this year at the fair is a big deal. He needs to make money this time. It’s not about the fun of selling our produce to the locals anymore. If he doesn’t do well, it could mean bad things for the family come winter. I wanted to go away to college because I knew times like this were coming. I thought if I could get ahead, I could clear my fathers machine debt, get him into some new equipment, allow him to hire some more hands too.
But I failed.
I swallow hard, try to push it all out of my mind. “What’s next?”
She smiles like she knows I’m avoiding the subject, but doesn’t push me about it. Instead, she takes my hand and gives me a light kiss on the lips. “Trace and the other boys are trying their luck at the Strong Bell, but I told them you could beat them all.”
“Oh did you?” I laugh, thankful that the subject has become more light hearted.
“Yeah, the big prize for hitting the bell is dinner for two at Kurt Almond’s,” she sings, sweetly. “What do you say, honey? Try for me?”
It would be a nice night out on the town. Actually, Kurt Almond’s isn’t in Wytheville. It’s in Greensboro, about forty five minutes from here, but it’s worth the drive. My parents took me there after I was accepted at NYU, and I can still taste the steak with burgundy glaze to this day. It’s damn good, but insanely expensive for our area. “I’ll try, but no promises, okay?”
She squeals, delighted with me, and I pull her close, so she’ll lean her head on my shoulder again, while taking Ben’s hand with my free one. With all the other problems in my life, in hers, in our families, at least we can have this moment, happy together after everything else.
“Timberlake.” Trace swats me on the back as we reach the Strong Bell, and smiles widely. “Heard you’re up to the challenge. I didn’t hit the top, but I got seven bars from the bell. It’s tough this year.”
I look up the tall wooden structure, and see the shiny chrome bell sitting at the top. I think it’s taller than any other year I’ve been here, looks nearly impossible to reach the top, even with the strongest whack of the hammer, but I try not to let my insecurities shine through to him. “Childs play,” I smirk.
“It better be at six bucks a whack,” he chuckles. “Your girl seems to think you can conquer it though.”
“He can.” Lacey calls to us from her place with Ben and Trace’s family to the right of the Bell. “All that farm work has built up those puny city muscles of his.”
Trace laughs and then lands his gaze back on me again. “Glad to see you’re back in the game.”
“Yeah.” I fish my money out of my wallet and hand it to the man, who hands me the large hammer. “So am I.”
I step up to the steel plate, as my friends cheer me on from behind, and I smile, knowing even I if I don’t win a fancy dinner for my girlfriend, at least I’ll still have all that love in my life. I raise the hammer up over my head, take in a breath, and bring it back down as hard as I can.
When I hear the ding, I’m completely shocked. I look up, all the way up to the top and see the light flashing. I really did it, and as stupid as the whole thing is, I feel like I really accomplished something for once.
“You did it baby!” I feel Lacey’s arms around me from behind, and I know she’s more than excited about the win. I turn around and hold her in my arms, letting her kiss me harshly on the lips and laughing when we break apart.
“Burgundy steak,” I sigh, dreamily. “Farm chores paid off, I guess.”
“Here you go, son.” The man running the game butts in, and hands me the envelope with the prize inside. “Have a nice night out.”
“Thanks.” I take it from him, and dangle the envelope in front of my girlfriend. “You better be a good girl. Mind your manners and all that, or I might have to ask somebody else to dinner.”
She swats me. “You better mind your manners.”
I put my arm around her, suddenly thinking that life can’t really get much better.
“Justin, where’s Ben?”
I hear Trace say it, and I immediately look over at where he’s standing. I see him, his pregnant wife who is clutching their daughter by the hand, and look all around, hoping beyond hope that Ben is just hanging around behind them.
But he’s not there. The panic begins to surge inside of me, knowing he could be anywhere. The fair isn’t exactly small and there’s hundreds of people around. In all the excitement he probably wandered off, distracted by some amazing thing he’s never seen before. I feel sick to my stomach. Why wasn’t I more careful?
He can’t hear me calling out for him, and I doubt many people here know how to sign. “Oh...God...” I pull away from my girlfriend, and start to race around the area frantically, searching for my son. “Shit!”
“I’ll go find the sheriff,” Lacey calls out.
I barely hear her. I’m too busy freaking the hell out, my mind racing with a million different, horrific things that could happen to my son. He could get lost, go off with somebody he doesn’t know, he could get hurt by some massive machine...he could drown...
“Honey, goodness what’s the matter?”
I run smack into my mother, who looks just as lost as I feel. I hate to tell her this way, that I lost my son because I was too busy showing off for my girlfriend. “Ben wandered off,” I say, half sobbing. “I...”
“Does the sheriff know?”
“Lacey went to get him.”
“Then let’s start looking, together. In a few minutes they’ll page for everyone to keep an eye out for him. Thank God I wrote his name in all of his shirts. We’ll find him, son. We will.”
I’d love to believe her, but I know how grim the situation is. Finding a deaf child at the biggest town event of the year is the same as finding a needle in a haystack.
And I’ll never be able to forgive myself.
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